Melissa Ferrick Is Right Here, Still: The Autostraddle Interview

Melissa Ferrick‘s career kicked off with a freak chance of fate back in 1991 when she was called in last minute to replace Morrissey‘s opening act less than an hour before showtime. She seized this golden opportunity and built an insanely loyal fan base by touring the world and releasing 12 studio albums (plus four live) over the last 20 years. Many have been introduced to Melissa through her tours with fellow female-centric, gay friendly, acoustic singer songwriters like the Indigo Girls, k.d. Lang, Tegan & Sara, Rachael Sage and Ani DiFranco, in particular. However, she is probably best known as the singer of “Drive,” that uber sexy song you love from the mix tape your ex-girlfriend gave you.

Her live shows are a unique experience as she draws the audience into her inner world, sharing the back stories and inspiration behind many of her songs. After a four year hiatus, her frustrating bout with writer’s block is finally over with the release of her new album, Still Right Here.

I chatted with Melissa about life as a sober musician on the road, her friendship with Ani, her coming out story, the inspiration behind “Drive,” and why she’s a little irritated that the lesbian anthem was never used on The L Word.

What’s the funniest or most memorable thing that has happened to you on stage or on the road?

Well, I had a show in Buffalo where I was in the middle of playing an older song and – this isn’t the first time this has happened – and a fan who had been partaking in far too many alcoholic beverages decided it was time to come up on stage. I was literally in the middle of playing a song and she walked up on stage and started talking to me! Like, “I need to tell you about my girlfriend….” and I’m still playing the song and the crowd has obviously got my back. She’s stumbling a little bit and I know tomorrow she’s not going to remember that she’s done this thing so that’s horrifying. There were wires everywhere and she was obviously intoxicated and I didn’t want her to fall and hurt herself, so I ended up talking back to her like, “Oh that’s really neat! I will totally hang out with you after the show, but you need to get off the stage because you’re gonna fall down.”

So, really weird things like that happen. I remember in Northhampton I walked over to the side of the stage and there was a girl sitting on the stage and I went over and she was just smiling at me. She seemed really nice, so I made out with her. She just seemed like someone I would make out with and I wanted to kiss her, so I did.

That’s amazing.

Because sometimes I play and I feel invisible, you know? It’s an experience for me too — it’s kind of a give and take thing. That show was packed. It was standing room only and Tegan and Sara were opening for me, so it was huge. This was at the height of that scene in the early 2000s and I just thought “fuck it, why not!” I will say I did manage to keep playing the guitar while I made out with her, so I was pretty proud of that! I can kiss and play guitar at the same time.

How is it to be a sober musician playing in bars and clubs? I have friends who are musicians so I know they are sort of obligated to hang out after their shows and party with the crowd and club owners. How has it been for you?

Most of the time, 95% of the time, I just don’t have the desire to drink anymore. But that comes and goes. Sometimes I do want to, but I don’t drink. It’s not that I feel any sort of obligation to drink — I’m an adult and I never feel any pressure from club owners to hang out with them. If I were to say that I feel pressure to drink and hang out, that would just be an excuse, you know? It’s my responsibility. If I drink or do drugs, it doesn’t work for me. I’ve done it, and it doesn’t work for me. I’m really comfortable with just trying to be who I am. What I do struggle with is fear, which is part of being an alcoholic. For me, fear expresses itself in anxiety and panic, and when that happens it’s difficult for me to interact with people. It’s difficult for me to take care of myself physically, so I lose weight. I get anxious. There are lots of people have that problem.

Was there a defining moment when you decided to quit drinking? You were 26 or something, right?

That part of my story I’m really not comfortable sharing because it’s so private. I think I’m comfortable saying it got to a point where I had a moment of clarity where I felt that I could no longer continue to live my life as I was. That has happened to me in sobriety. It’s not just about the drinking. The disease of alcoholism is a mental and physical experience. It’s a lifelong problem. It’s literally a day at a time. Some days are really easy, and some days my head feels like I need a drink. It gets crazy up there and other people who have this problem will relate to that.

You teach song writing at Berklee, right? What advice do you have for singer/songwriters looking to get to the next level of their career? Obviously there are the competition shows like “The Voice” as a fast track to a career, but so few have that opportunity.

Well, for the students I notice that everyone is trying to be somebody else, and the point is that you already are somebody. You don’t have to try to be anybody else. Taking that pressure off is something that has to be re-taught over and over and over again. You need to be reminded that you can stop trying to be somebody. You have to play live. And the truth is, in the indie world you have to do it all yourself. You are responsible for your own career.

I highly suggest they take music and business classes. It’s incredibly important. There is a lot of great co-writing that’s going to happen and stuff that you can learn about melody and metaphor and similes and beats of measures that make songs stronger. It’s a craft, and it’s something I’m still learning. I’m currently auditing four classes right now at Berklee. For a long time I didn’t really believe you could teach songwriting, but I think I’ve changed my mind about that. There’s a lot of talent. There are women and men who are writing circles around me and other people that I know who are really inspiring me to be a better writer and that’s what I love about it.

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A while ago you had said that you don’t mind people downloading your music for free online. You likened it to sharing a mixtape with a friend and people discovering you that way and you’ll make the money other ways, whether they’ll come to a show or buy merchandise. Do you still feel that way about online piracy?

That’s a good question. My instinct is to tell you yes, I’m still cool with it. But I gotta tell you, I’m quite certain that a lot of people have stolen my song “Drive” and I would probably be retired if every single lesbian had downloaded it legally, versus what I’ve made from the women who’ve actually bought a ticket to watch me play live. I don’t know? I think the real question is, aren’t you supposed to get both?

When I go to YouTube and I see people using “Drive,” particularly to edit better scenes from the The L Word, when my song was never in The L Word! I have a little bit of a problem with that. I don’t think that’s really fair. First of all, it’s just misrepresentive because I never got placed in that show, that song never appears. The whole world of intellectual property and copyright law — Oh my god, I get ramped up over that. It’s crazy. But do I care? Ultimately no. I just had ravioli and I have a car in the parking lot. I paid my mortgage this month. Ultimately, everything is cool. I think I just can’t get wrapped up when I think I’m owed. It’s such a negative space to be in like energy wise. I can’t walk around thinking people owe me stuff, you know?

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When “The L Word” was on the air were you actively trying to get a song of yours played? Did you submit to the music supervisor (Elizabeth Ziff aka EZGirl)?

Yes, yes… I was offended that none of my music was on “The L Word.” I was disappointed and kinda shocked, actually. Even though I didn’t actively pursue it, I know the creator of the show and I know the music supervisor. But I was never asked, so that’s a bummer. I would’ve written a song — I probably would’ve let them use it for free! But I’m still a fan and I’m a fan of those people. I still like them as people. But I thought it was a little odd.

How do you know Ilene Chaiken?

I filmed my first music video at her house in Los Angeles. I was friends with her ex. I’ve had many dinners with her.

Wow, that’s funny.

That’s one word for it! [laughing]

What do you think of The Real L Word?

I think it’s awesome! I think it’s like The Bachelor for lesbians! [laughing] It’s so bad it’s fantastic! I love it. I’m obsessed with that girl with the fucking dreads.

Whitney.

I hate her and I want to make out with her. You know what I mean? I love it! It’s not like I DVR it, but if I’m home from a tour and I’ve missed three weeks of The Real L Word I better watch all of them. It’s reality TV for lesbians.

We need to talk about “Drive.” How did the song come about exactly? Your girlfriend at the time dared you to write a song about sex? Were you avoiding writing something that was so explicitly sexual before that?

Ok, well Janet Jackson‘s Velvet Rope album was a huge record and I fell madly in love with this girl who lived in California. I was moving back home to Boston and she drove across the country with me, and while we were driving she played me Velvet Rope. And Janet Jackson was making these sexual noises on that record and I cannot even describe… I’m just like… hearing sex drives me crazy. Seeing sex — if you were just like watching sex on TV with no sound — it wouldn’t phase me. But I’m a sound person, obviously. So she played me this record and I couldn’t even listen to it because it just worked me up so much. And so, you know, we had to drive across the country and there were some car moments with the record [laughing]. We would fool around in the car while Janet Jackson‘s Velvet Rope was on, and that’s how it happened. I was like “This is unbelievable. Janet Jackson is so ballsy to do this. This is amazing.”

And my girlfriend at the time was teasing me saying, “You could never do a song like this.” So I basically wrote the song for her to show her I could do it and she said I was crazy if I didn’t release it. The original version I sent her was like 14 and a half minutes long but I don’t have a copy of it. She still has it.

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What are you listening to right now?

Honestly, and this is so boring, but I mostly just listen to classical music. And not to give another nod to my friend Ani, but her new record is brilliant and “Hearse” is just absolutely amazing.

That’s my favorite song on her new album.

As soon as I got the record I let her know. I just replied to her immediately and was like, “Forget about it with ‘Hearse,’ It’s awesome.” It’s a killer song.

How did you and Ani meet and become friends?

I met Ani originally in 2005 in New Orleans. I was playing a gig there with her old drummer and keyboard player, so she came and hung out backstage after the show. It was really random. The next day we were off, so she invited us over for dinner. Then we did a tour together — the first of a bunch of tours we’ve done together. We’re becoming great friends and she’s just an amazing human being and an incredible artist. She’s the real deal, ya know? She’s trying to be the best person she can and I really admire that about her. I admire her generosity and also her ability to separate her artist self from her personal life and set boundaries and take care of her personal life. There are really different sides to her. I don’t have that ability, so I really like to learn from that.

Next:
Melissa’s coming out story, how not to sell albums
and a weekend affair-turned-inspiration

I’d love to hear your coming out story. When did you come out in your personal life versus your industry life?

Well, I came out when I was 16, but I realized I was attracted to women before that. I knew there was something different about me when I was very young. I remember I was driving in the car with my dad and I told him that I thought I might be gay. He said, “Okay. Do you want to talk to someone about it?” And I said yes, so I went to therapy. It was a therapist who didn’t hate gay people because my parents are awesome. So that’s how I came out to my parents. What happened after was one of those things like “Melissa has something she’d like to tell the family today.”

[laughing]

My mother started crying. I told them that I was gay and she said, “I knew it was either going to be that you were gay or you were going to quit school.” My dad said he loved me, that he wanted me to be happy and it didn’t matter. Whoever I fell in love with was okay with him. He expressed that he realized that my life would be more difficult. Which, looking back on it, is a kind of amazing thing to say, you know? He gets it. It’s a hard thing to say.

And my mother, being a relatively religious woman, came to me a few days later and told me that she prayed to God about it and the answer she got was that God wouldn’t let me fall in love with anyone if it wasn’t alright with him. And ever since I’ve had an amazing experience with my family and my sister accepts me wholly for who I am and for who I choose to be with – whoever it is.

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And how was it with regard to record companies and deciding to be out publicly? How did you navigate that?

Not so well. I was on Atlantic. My first record came out in 1993 and they wanted me to come out to use it as a story. At that time I think Melissa Etheridge was already out. It was a very popular thing to be an out gay person. Out Magazine and The Advocate were really big on the scene. I think Melissa Etheridge was on that billboard with Julie Cypher in the middle of Times Square. It was a way to get publicity, they felt. They created a gay marketing division at the label that a gay guy was heading up. But I didn’t want to come out. I was afraid. I was 22-23 years old and in a relationship with a woman who worked at the record label and I just didn’t want to come out. I felt really scared. So I lied about my sexuality and it was terrible. I felt terrible.

That’s so interesting that the record label wanted you to come out, but you personally did not want to. What were you so afraid of?

I knew I didn’t feel ready to say it and I knew they were going to use it to sell records. I wanted to sell records because my record was good, not because I’m gay. This was when Ellen was saying “I’m gay” on her sitcom and Melissa Etheridge was on a billboard and k.d. Lang was coming out and being on Diane Sawyer or whatever it was, so a major record label looked at that and thought, “This is how we can get her on 20/20 or whatever. This will be our spin.” They were going to use my sexuality as a spin and I felt completely uncomfortable with that so I didn’t let them.

And then, of course — this was a very selfish time in my life — I really wanted to have my record be mainstream. Meaning what I really wanted was to be a musician who sold records, and my record wasn’t doing that. When I made another record, there was all this buzz about this girl named Jewel who had a record coming out. So I thought, “Why don’t I come out now? Use my sexuality to try to sell records.” It wasn’t coming from a bad place, you know? There was just sort of an ulterior motive. It was a very young decision, but I’m not mad at myself because that’s were I was at and that’s what I did. Ultimately, I’m really glad I’m out. I think at that time it was 1995 when I did officially “come out.” It was because of an article in The Advocate and obviously all the gay people who read The Advocate already knew I was gay, and guess what — it didn’t sell any more records. It’s kind of hysterical. Out and The Advocate came out with articles at the same time and they both titled my article “The Other Melissa.”

Oh my god.

Pretty much fucked me up for years because Melissa Etheridge is awesome. She’s one of the most famous rock and roll stars regardless of the fact that she’s gay. So all the Melissa Etheridge fans saw that and thought I was trying to be like her and revolted against me [laughing]. It was terrible.

Who did you idolize musically, growing up?

In my teen years when I started to write songs, I would put on the New Bohemians record Shooting Rubber Bands at The Stars. Edie Brickell was amazing. You probably know the song “What I Am.” I loved The Cure. I loved any sort of dark music. Sinead O’Connor – her first record was a huge record for me. I mean I shaved my head. Aimee Mann, Tracy Chapman. I loved Suzanne Vega‘s first record. I loved the second record, too, with “Luka” on it. But Suzanne Vega’s first record, that was awesome. And the Indigo Girls when I was in college was a huge record for me. I listened to that record I can’t even tell you how many times. That was when I was first starting to write songs. Those were inspirations. R.E.M. I loved Depeche Mode. That’s what I like.

Do you have a dream collaboration?

Annie Lennox. I’d love to work with Annie Lennox. I think that would be awesome.

I love how you go into such detail about the real meaning behind your songs at your shows. A lot of artists are shy about the real inspiration behind the song, because they want the audience to have their own experience with it. But I REALLY appreciate how you tell the whole story behind your songs.

Really? I try not to do it on every song because then its like freakin’ Soundstage or Storytellers.

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I absolutely loved the brand new song you played at City Winery this week. You introduced it as the result of meeting a girl during a crazy long weekend you had in New York opening for Ani DiFranco last fall. Can you tell me a little more about that experience that you had?

Sure! The song’s called “Wreck Me.” It was the last three dates of the tour and I had met another musician on the West Coast and we had a connection. She’s originally from New York and was coming home to visit family, so I’d asked if she wanted to come to one of my shows and she was like, “Yeah, that’d be awesome!” She’s much younger than me and I had recently gone through a breakup and was in one those spaces when you’re really down and and you think, “Fuck! I’m through with girls, it never works.” And so I was on the tour, having a great time on the outside, but on the inside I was kinda depressed about this volatile, back-and-forth relationship I’d been in for the past three years.

So, when this girl came and we started hanging out we just had this nice, out of the blue, wave of joy for those four days and I had such a good time. I felt in my body and I felt free and inspired. I mean, that’s kinda what happens when someone flirts with you. So when I got home I wrote that song, because I wanted to write a song about walking into a hotel. I remembered that — I remembered that she took the elevator up and it was an older hotel in New York, and the heat was clanking and it was sexy. I just remembered all those elements of it… I remember walking back from Town Hall to the hotel with her in the middle of New York City when there is hardly anyone out, and I just felt happy. That was really nice. So it’s not a sad song. I find it to be like a torch song. There is no sadness in that for me. I’m willing to let you just have me and let it wreck me, or not. I didn’t fall in love with her or anything, it was just this awesome weekend affair. When I got home I was thinking about whether or not I would see her again and what does that mean… You know all that stuff you think about. And I just came to the conclusion that I would be willing to let myself have anything I wanted to have of it. She’s a friend, she’s in my life, but we’re not together. It’s a great song, I sent it to her. It was a gift. She was a gift for that weekend.

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Do you have plans to release the song?

[laughing] It will be on the next record. This is the first song of many new songs, I’m sure, along the same lines, that I’ll be writing over the next 8 months. I feel like I’m in a really good place to write now just because I’m clear of that relationship I had been in. I’m starting to feel good about being out of it. It’s taken a long time. Losing this relationship has been a real mourning. I lost my grandmother right at the same time at the end of December so it was a very difficult January, which I think I alluded to at the show, and I’m starting to write again now. I’m feeling like I’m on the verge of having a good 2012 though.

My final question is actually from my girlfriend who is a big fan of yours… she wants to know if you are a cat or dog lesbian. This is a real question.

Cat, absolutely. I’m a cat lesbian. I have two cats — Moon, who is coming down the stairs right now. Hello Moon. She’s 16 and I’ve had her since she was born, when I lived out in LA with my girlfriend. It was a full moon that night, so I called her Moon. And I have Indie, who is 8 years old. I got her on Cape Cod, two years after I opened my record label.

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Jess

Jess is a pop culture junkie living in New York City. She enjoys endless debates about The L Word, Howard Stern, new techy gadgets, DVR, exploring the labyrinth of the Lesbian Internet, memoirs, working out, sushi, making lists, artsy things, anything Lady Gaga touches, traveling, puppies, and nyc in the fall. Find her on Twitter @jessxnyc or via email.

Jess has written 240 articles for us.

27 Comments

  1. Great interview, Melissa Ferrick’s intense live shows are INTENSE. Also, how did the world stay in one piece when she shared the stage with Ani? Lastly, to The Ex that still has the original 14 minute copy of Drive – that is a designated Lesbian National Treasure and belongs to the people.

  2. I love this woman..The first time I heard “Drive” I needed a moment to compose myself..And I can’t listen to “I’m A Lesbian” without laughing! Love her..Love her..Love! LOVE!

    • This is the first time I have heard “Drive”. I think I just had earsex with my headphones.

    • “Drive” is one of the many things I credit with my sexual awakening. First time I heard it, I was 14 and just starting to label myself, and I had such an intense reaction to her voice and her lyrics that I was like “oh… oh yeah, I think I might be a lesbian.”

  3. I’ve been listening on repeat ever since ever since I found MFs music a couple of years ago. It has been the perfect + heartful soundtrack to many a long coach journey/tube journey/late night Tumblr editing.

    The thing is, I’ve been listening on Spotify – does anyone know if they pay decent royalties to artists on Spotify? I don’t want to be one of those listeners who really really loves the music but doesn’t contribute.

    • No, the pay is crap. And thank you for having an awareness that it does matter. She’s on a relatively small woman-owned & run indy label so I think the support is extra warranted.

      • Thanks JMo. Yeah, I’ve read in other interviews where she’s saying how record sales make a big difference for independent labels. And because I get so much joy/meaning/comfort/relevance from her music, I’ll be buying all the albums from now on.

  4. Melissa Ferrick was the first concert I ever went to! I was a 17 year-old college freshman, had just come out and was on my first road trip with my brand new lesbian friends. I remember standing up by the stage and we were so close that when she sang Miss Liberty we got spit on. Sexy spit. Sexy singer spit. So obvs I immediately bought all of her albums and a t-shirt.

  5. Just paid for that song.

    That’s not something I do very often, and I wouldn’t have if not for this article.

  6. Love Love Love her. Beautiful sound, sexy as hell, gives great interviews… what’s NOT to love?

  7. Still Right Here is fan-fucking-tastic and I would buy it again.

    Also, I’ve put a Melissa Ferrick song on every mix I’ve made for a girl I’ve liked, and used Drive to hook up with at least 2. So there’s that.

  8. Weird, I was just thinking about Melissa Ferrick today and how she inspired me to pick up the guitar again. Nice interview…must check out her new album stat!

  9. Fab interview Jess! How have I never managed to listen to Drive before?! Time to listen on repeat for a few days…

  10. Thank you for introducing me to another talented 90s lesbian. Ahh, to be born in that era… This lady sounds so real and awesome, and we both love Annie Lennox.

  11. Melissa Ferrick is a wonderful musician and performer. *soapbox* I would like to just mention that she is also one of the performers who performed at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival when they very actively banned trans women from attending that event. And at the time she played there (2006) there were very publicized arguments and discussions about this issue (so it wasn’t an unknown or obscure issue) and, moreover, there were performers who stated they wouldn’t perform at the festival because of the policy. It bugs me the interview never even addressed that issue. *soapbox over*

  12. I’ve loved Melissa’s music forever. I have a bunch of her cds,have been to two of her shows, and have even met her a couple times. She’s an incredible person and a fabulous musician. Loved the interview.

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