1. I came downstairs this morning to find my brother trying to evangelize to our cat.
2. I think you look like Saoirse Ronan.
3. You look a lot like Kate Hudson’s son Ryder. I mean seriously it’s adorable.
4. I just want someone to dedicate James Blake songs to.
5. One of my students looks exactly like Brandy Howard. I assume they are siblings or cousins.
6. I had to write about the Italian autostrada and spelled it as Autostraddle by accident. Three times.
7. I want to “do me.” Mostly though, I want someone else to do me.
8. I want to chop off all my hair so bad but I’m so scared.
9. I’m watching Celebrity Apprentice with my mom and I keep getting turned on when I see Marlee Matlin because I want Bette to come in and fingerblast her. I don’t even like Jodi.
10. Sometimes I wish I could swim inside of Autostraddle.
11. When you say “the deepest pits of homosexual hell,” you just make it sound sexy.
12. I love it when really femme lesbos that look “bottoms” are very accomplished closeted tops.
13. SUCKIN’ ON MY TITTIES LIKE YOU WANTED ME CALLIN’ ME ALL THE TIME LIKE BLONDIE CHECK OUT MY CHRISSY BEHIND IT’S FINE ALL OF THE TIME.
14. Hai means shark in Norwegian.
15. Pronounce boi for me then pronounce Moennig, please I go to say these words and realise I don’t know what I’m doing.
16. Reach for the femmes reach for nice hems reach for the stem of the rose it’s a gem.
17. Today I was woken up @ 11:30 by 4 of my city’s finest fireman knocking on my door. IT WAS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE anyways, they escorted me out of the building THEY WERE ALL SO HOT. There was a big fire in the basement, but we’re all safe.
18. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Or long nails inside their vag.
19. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I think I have Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.
20. I read “Big, black amazon button on the Autostraddle” as “Big, black amazon butthole on Autostraddle.”
21. I’m in love when Tegan Quin does that quotation thing with her hands, anddd I want mint chocolate chip ice cream.
22. I’m high now and these pants are UNBEARABLE.
23. HOLY SHIT SANTANA IS A LESBIAN HOLY SHIT.
24. I wish autostraddle was a place or that we could come home n literally go into the computer n live in the autostraddle website it would be like a big apartment n we would all hang out but then I feel like it would turn into a big orgy n have to many cats!
25. As I get gayer and gayer, I like cats more and more.
26. Capslock is sexy it should be used at all times G T F O it.
27. A day without Autostraddle is like a day without sex.
28. So drunk. So drunk my ipod won’t stop repeating “Perfect Sonnet” Bright Eyes.
29. I just stopped liking you as a person.
30. I think everyone is scared and they’re taking it out on everyone. But the way right-wingers take out their fear is scary. Everyone gets more scared and causes more fear and on and on.
31. Cara from The Coffee Bean is very attractive; therefore you should keep in contact with her.
32. Your glasses are really cute.
33. I want to give you my seed. Please give tips.
To leave your own statements (or, you know, questions) for an Autostraddle team member, go here:
‘listicle without commentary’ concept inspired by / stolen from the awl