Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t Your Family Said At Last Year’s Thanksgiving

Statements plucked from the Thanksgiving 2009 Open Thread [that's happening this year, too, but here!]:

1. My family thinks Obama hates white people.

2. My Aunt was “offended by [Adam Lambert's] performance, not because it was two boys, but because he was so aggressively sexual! Sexuality, I’m okay with. Aggressive sexuality is something different!”

3. My grandmother told me she doesn’t like vegetables because they are “sexless”.

4. My Dad asked me when I was going to get a real job. I said I had a real job. He said “Women’s Rights is not a real job.”

5. My uncle told me I need to lose weight. I’m sorry, I can’t. I love beer too much.

6. My grandfather asked if by Adam Lambert we meant Eddie Lampert.

7. My grandmother kept referring to herself in the third person.

8. My mom used the phrase “queer as a 2 dollar bill” in reference to someone she saw on TV.

9. My aunt and I argued over whether or not it is racist to ask if my Kenyan friend uses deodorant, whether or not Lady Gaga is a man, and whether or not a pineapple upside-down cake that’s been in the freezer since September is still edible.

10. My sister, in her “50′s housewife” outfit, told me I need jewelry so that I don’t look like a boy.

11. My uncle babbled about a chain email he couldn’t figure out which proved immediately that I’m too intelligent for my family and OMG I’m too elite for all this you guys.

12. My cousin decided I was a boy. He called me “Andy” the whole time.

13. p.s. My family has no clue who Adam Lambert is even.

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Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

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    After my sister’s boyfriend explained he is Iranian and has family there, my grandparents started a long conversation about the merits of Persian architecture, how the word Iran comes from the word Aryan, and how obnoxious Iranian Jews are. After a lapse in conversation, my grandfather called me over and explained Ezekiel Emanuel/Obama’s ‘death chart’, and my uncle entertained us with his theory that Obama is addicted to cocaine.

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    Last year was the year I came out to all my family. After this announcement my bio mom was the only one to accept it calmly and rationally and invited me and my partner to her house for Thanksgiving so she could meet my partner.
    Upon our arrival Mom turned into a whirlwind of fun taking us shopping and out to lunch and whatnot. On the last day, as we were loading the car my mother hugs and says “Now, you take care of this woman because if you break her heart I know a woman at work that would just LOVE her and I WILL set them up if you mess this up.” Funny thing was see was saying that to ME and NOT to my partner!!! Basically telling ME that she had someone to set MY PARTNER up with if I messed up!!!!!! LOL! That was my first experience as an out lesbian and my partner and I remember it fondly; especially since we are now celebrating our 2nd Thanksgiving together and have been together for almost 1 1/2 years now!!

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    My grandma thinks that because the man up the street was (according to her) wearing some sort of Middle-Eastern type of clothing the other day, that he was a muslim. When I told her that he had served in Iraq for a while her reply was was, “Well maybe he converted when he was over there!”
    Yeah, no chance I’m coming out to this particular grandma.

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    My grandmother thinks it’s appropriate to discuss the size/colour/texture of her bowel movements at holiday dinners.

    Oh wait…nevermind, that wasn’t at Thanksgiving. That was EVERY DAY since she moved in with us.

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    Highlights from this year:

    My Uncle: “Are you graduating?”
    Me: “No. I’m going to study abroad in England next year.”
    My Uncle: “Pft. All the Muslims are in England. MUSLIMS.”
    Me: “What is wrong with you?”
    My Uncle: “Sure. Just wait ’till they’re choking you with a burka.”
    Me: * horrified*

    My Aunt: “That woman! She’s secretly a LESBIAN.”
    Me: “Ok.”
    My Aunt: “A LESBIAN.”
    Me: “Does anyone need more wine?”

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    After breakfast my whole family watched E true hollywood story on Adam Lambert. My mom was cooking, she was upset she couldn’t watch it with us. Then we talked about how he was 21 when he lost his virginity. 

    Then at dinner my brother was talking about how he is glad my sister’s new bf doesn’t dress like a white boy “thug”… Then she said “it isn’t me who loves the thugs it’s MoRae… Oh wait she was using them to cover up the fact she is a flaming lesbian”

    Good news my father’s thankful speech was about me finally coming home and coming out. 

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    my cousin’s 16 year old son told some joke about how when he got arrested (yeah, he’s 16 and been arrested…) and the cop bent him over the car to cuff him he said “you better call me tomorrow”

    i love homophobic jokes made by my redneck family right in front of my homo face

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    when carving the turkey my mom’s boyfriend asked me which part i wanted meat from and i said “i’m all about the breasts” to which he said “me too, but i’m SUPPOSED to be”. he’s a charmer, that one.

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    My sister: “I’m going to shove a turducken up your ass if you don’t get me some pie.”

    My brother: “Get me some pie too.”

    Me: “so we can all agree, we love pie? ;)”

    My sister: “ugh do you have to make EVERYTHING dirty? But yes, if girls had pumpkin pie between their legs I’d probs be gay too.”

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    We had a friend over for Thanksgiving cause his wife is back in Australia. At one point, mum mentioned her gay former aerobics teacher and playwright Rikki Beadle Blair and explained how he did a film called Stonewall. Dad’s friend leaned over to me and said: “That wouldn’t be in your 13 would it, Anna?” I changed the subject after that.

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    My dad is one of six kids and two of his four sisters are lesbians (he also has one gay great aunt and one my cousins, as well as a daughter who happens to be me). All of us, gay or straight, are pretty raunchy. It makes for fun holidays, and Grandma still has enough lingering racism from her youth to throw out some choice moments of mass discomfort.
    Highlights!

    When referencing old episodes of that old vampire soap Dark Shadows, my dad asks, “Who was that one chick that had the really big eyes?”
    My uncle laughs, “My second wife!” (insert inside family reference #1 – my uncle and dad have both been married 3 times).
    My dad retorts, “Which one was that?”
    My grandma interjects, “Or which color?” (insert inside family reference #2 – my uncle’s most recent wife was a very young and attractive but absolutely batshit crazy drug addict who happened to african american in origin. My response was to spit cabernet onto the front of my light blue v-neck t-shirt and try to crawl under the table while not spilling my plate of pasta salad).

    I regaled them all with my previous night’s experience with a much younger man who could not comrehend that if I didn’t want to accept the first 2 beers and 2 shots he insisted on buying me, then I sure as shit was not going to appreciate the next TWELVE he sent over to my table.

    My cousin who just got a DUI and lost her license told how she got a ride to the grocery with my other cousin, who then shoplifted 3 lbs of Jelly Belly beans.

    My family revived a tradition that I am sure is totally not native american in origin called “Indian Leg Wrestling.”
    My aunt punched two of my male cousins in the balls while they were in the position and this ended the party.

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    While in the middle of dancing to techno music in the dark in my grandparents’ basement, glow sticks and all, with me and several of my cousins, my grandmother said, scornfully, “I can’t believe Justin Beiber won Best Artist at the AMAs!” …. my family rocks.

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    Winner for best comment:
    My grandmother decided to bring up Chaz Bono, explained it is very hard to turn female genitalia into a penis and she thinks that Chaz wears a “dil-doo” all the time. She then announced to the table that many lesbians wear “dil-doos” to pleasure thier lady friends.
    (Cue family staring down my butch girlfriend and myself)

    She impressed me by calling Chaz transgedered and using the right pronoun instead of “it” or “she.”

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