Lick This App: Exactly What It Says On The Box

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I just have to come out and say it: Lick This App is a mobile oral sex teaching app. It will get you uncomfortably close to your phone.

Our first lesson was rough. I just saw my phone as a utility, occasionally a friend. But the Lick This App gave us an opportunity to grow closer — my phone wanted to teach me how to get better at oral sex! This was a new step of mobile intimacy.

First, I asked my Siri app, “What would you do if I licked my phone?” And for some reason, this is what she pulled up. I’m not sure this is a good sign.

Go home, Siri. You're drunk.

Go home, Siri. You’re drunk.

Before I started lapping at my phone screen with reckless abandon, these fears and questions slipped through my mind:

  • Will my OS become emotionally attached to me, like in the movie “Her?”
  • What if a friend or family member calls me while I’m practicing oral sex with my phone and kills the mood?
  • What if I accidentally button-mash into a FaceTime call and someone gets a screen full of my face vigorously licking my phone?
  • Will my warranty cover this? How do I explain this to the Genius Bar?
  • Can I submit fanfic about this to Amazon Worlds?
  • Phones are dirtier than toilet seats.

If you’re worried about any of the above, you’ll probably want to switch on Airplane Mode and/or invest in plastic wrap.

02

Poor Joaquin’s face got stuck after using the Lick This App.

But I soldiered on! Determined to try this out, I loaded up the web app in my mobile Safari browser by visiting lickthisapp.com. I was greeted by this screen:

Wait. Am I going to lick you? Or are you going to lick me? Should we discuss our roles?

Wait. Am I going to lick you? Or are you going to lick me? Should we discuss our roles?

There are three exercises that are supposed to help you work out your tongue. I was expecting something racy, but the mini-games were anything but. They helped put me at ease.

I started with this game. You gotta swipe your tongue up and down over this non-threatening light switch. After a few seconds, I realized that my nose had swiped over the screen, pulling down the Notification Center. Or I’d lick up, and the Control Center would pop up! Damnit iOS 7, you’re preventing me from earning Authentic Lesbian Points!

I wonder if I'd be any better at licking a real light switch?

I wonder if I’d be any better at licking a real light switch?

The final exercise is “Freestyle,” where you try and, ahem, tap a ball rapidly with your tongue. I found myself cheating at this game and just hitting my phone against my face repeatedly. I shouldn’t have left my apartment windows open, someone’s gonna call the police.

Be careful, don't strain your neck!

Be careful, don’t strain your neck!

By the end of the exercises, I was SO FRUSTRATED with the lack of control I had over my phone. I had accidentally enabled music, swiped “back” in my browser, and failed to collect points. It’s not. Supposed. To be. This Difficult!

My partner wandered into the room to watch my oral battle and laugh. She mentioned something about patience and control. Embarrassing.

Here is a video summary of my first time using Lick This App:

I was so frustrated that I made my friend Allison do and review the circular exercise. Here are her observations:

“This app:
1) is great for killing time on public transportation!
2) made my tongue sore without having to suffer the fun of sex.
3) reminded me that I don’t know how to effectively manipulate cling wrap.
4) didn’t leave me feeling any more proficient at cunnilingus.”

I don’t have the heart to give this web app a poor rating, since I’m sure it could help some people gain better eye-tongue coordination and increase actual endurance while “keepin’ the beach balls afloat.” The premise is fuckin’ hilarious.

I think most of my problems stemmed from user error. Also, I blame some of it on my inability to form a stronger mentor-mentee relationship with my phone. Or something.

Oh Lick This app, it wasn’t you. It was me.

Readers, I want your feedback:

Do you think this app has a shot at improving your sexy times?

What would be the best hardware / OS / mobile browser combo to run this app on?

Why don’t you attach photos and videos of you demoing this app in the comments? (C’mon, I dare ya! I did it!)


This has been the seventy-second installment of  Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover is queer per se, but we talk about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to web sites you have to favorite to any other fun shit we can do with technology.

Header by Rory Midhani

Avatar of Loraine Kanervisto

Hapa haole queer writer who flew away from an island of nostalgia. Inspired by gadgets. Uninterested in quitting her coffee habit. Conjuring up a collection of sci-fi and horror short stories. Find Loraine at lorainekv.com or @lorainekv.

Loraine has written 25 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Thumb up 11

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    Ok, this may be goofy on the one hand, but it strikes me as a kind of weirdly fun way to not completely lose my endurance in-between visits with my girlfriend. Long distance means that we get about a week every two months, so in those visits I feel like I have to build up critical sex-stamina in those precious days… maybe spending the lead up week before a visit trying to rack up points on this would help? Ha! It’s a pretty clever app-idea anyway

  2. Thumb up 7

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    I’m the last remaining person in the world without a smartphone (yeah, I know), so I won’t have a chance to try this any time soon. But I feel like a 2D representation would really be missing a lot? A whole bunch of fun stuff requires three dimensions!

  3. Thumb up 4

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    “I had accidentally enabled music, swiped “back” in my browser, and failed to collect points. It’s not. Supposed. To be. This Difficult!”
    So we’re still talking about the app? At least it’s realistic. Now I’m wondering if they’re gonna make something for the wii…

    • Thumb up 0

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      No joke! You know those clear screen protector thingies? They’re made of material much thicker than plastic wrap, but they work. Accuracy might vary depending on the type of touch screen. Lots of consumer electronics, such as iPhones and Droids have capacitative screens, which work when they come into contact with conductive materials, like your hands or tongue.

      You can even get your phone to work with fabric barriers, like gloves, if they use conductive thread.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    This might be the weirdest app I’ve ever seen. I would definitely not be able to lick any of my electronic devices, I already wipe down the surface a silly number of times every day because I don’t even like fingerprint smudges…

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