“i think i’m the only gay girl in the country who is in her early 20s and doesn’t look and act like the stereotypical ‘tomboy’ that the Filipino society is so used to seeing, and therefore, thinks that every lesbian is like that”.

//
i have this running argument with myself that goes something like this:

me1: Your idea of femininity comes from an overbearing patriarchal society which makes you buy into the whole women-have-to-do-a-lot-of-crap-to-themselves-to-look-beautiful mentality and if you don’t find *THAT kind of lesbian* attractive then something’s wrong with you.

me2: But this straight girl is so pretty. I want to kiss her. I don’t want to kiss that butch girl over there, the one who might actually want to go out with me.

me1: You are denying yourself a chance at love by clinging to such a narrow definition of attractiveness.

me2: But this straight girl is so pretty.
//

so i feel kind of evil because i really don’t want to be with a butch, they’re just not my type. and you made me feel better about that i guess.

i’m studying in a pretty good high school (i think!) and i’ll also be graduating next year.

i dress like a boy most of the time but since i’m so vain about my face and hair people usually disregard the clothes and when the conversation turns to homosexuality (which seems to happen a lot these days) and they start making their disparaging comments i just sit and laugh along and squirm unobtrusively. I never tell people if I can help it.

i feel so isolated. i’m too young to be part of the community and too shy to go out and try to meet lesbians individually.

i think of my life right now and of my upcoming college years as mere preparation for the never-ending festival of rainbows and unicorns that will surely be my life in some other country. i don’t know what country. anywhere but here.

sometimes in my most emo moments i feel like i am going to die of loneliness here.

ehh i’m sorry if you think i’m just reading too much of myself into you but… well. i read so much of myself into you.

graduate, make a fuckload of money, and begin your never-ending festival of rainbows and unicorns. i’ll follow along in four years.

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One of the things that kind of disturbed me a bit when I visited the Phils. a few years ago was when I overheard my cousins being all scandalized because a girl asked out a boy at their school. Women still have a long way to go in Filipino society, let alone queer women. Gender roles are really hard to break.

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I dont have anything against masculine-looking filipino lesbians here. I mean, if that’s the way they feel comfortable looking, awesome for them. But to be quite honest, i am so sick and tired of feeling like i really dont have any hope of meeting lesbians here who don’t look and dress like they’re guys. Just not what i’m attracted to.

I’m studying in a prestigious university here, already in my senior year, and i’ll be graduating in 2012. I haven’t met any attractive lesbians here. It’s just so00ooo sad. I’m open about my sexuality,(my fb pic right now is even a round pin that says, “We’re here, we’re queer. Get used to it) but not just to my family yet. However, i think no one really thinks that i’m gay bec. of the way i dress. So no one asks, and i dont go around declaring my sexuality. I mean, that would just be weird and unnecessary.

I really wanna migrate to San Francisco or to Vancouver since i’ve heard that those cities are “gay capitals”. But even if i get to that point, i don’t know if it’ll get any better for me, romance-wise. I don’t even know if that’s really the solution.

Right now, im still figuring out what to do with my life. I know i just cant continue on living a life devoid of any lesbian-loving moments, i have to find a way!! By the time i can be financially independent, i hope i can!

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That didn’t mean that I was safe from “homophobia.” I know I always have to watch my back because people in my neighborhod will always talk about me. Also, I may be out in my organization but my sexuality is treated as a joke. They treat me as a man. They also always tell me that being a lesiban is just a phase, that I should date a man, dress in a more feminine way so that guys would find me attractive, etc. They sometimes even joke about how they would get me very drunk and do something (you know what it is) to “convert” me into a straight woman. I got used to being treated like this for around 3 or 4 years although I still feel insulted by how they treat me.

I still feel lucky though, because nothing bad hasn’t happened to me yet. And yeah, love hasn’t found me yet either but I wish I could find new friends who are lesbian. I really wish the lesbian community in the Philippines would make up a secret handshake or sign. XD

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Now straight to the topic. I guess the biggest problem being gay in the Philippines is the “Hate the sin, not the sinner” mentality of the Filipinos. While gays in other countries have to deal with discrimination at work, or gay teen suicides, or corrective rape, or gay killings, here we are in our Gay-friendly country where we can be “OUT” (almost) everywhere (even in many conservative provinces) without having that “disgusted” look on other peoples’ faces. How can we complain, right? I think that’s the main reason why there’s very little LGBT movements in this country. Now back to the “Hate the sin, not the sinner” idea. Yes, “the sin” – gay relationships, gay sex, gay marriage, gay couples adopting kids, anything related to gay + marriage + family – are NON-existent, [of course they do, there's a lot of them, but people (the church being number 1) are in a VERY DEEP denial ground (more like we have to wait for year 2025)].

In the 20+ years that I have been watching Philippine television, the roles gay guys play haven’t changed – they’re the funny gay bestfriend to the lead female character, lesbians are no where to be found, unless you count those “tomboy-looking” pretty girl characters who (ALWAYS) turn straight after meeting the handsome looking lead male character. It’s so painful to watch, I could vomit! There are a few indie films about Gay relationships (mostly about gay guys), but other than that we’re stuck. I remember watching PLL shown on a local channel, they cut-off the Emily-Paige kiss by the window scene!(me = outrage, thanks to the internet). So yes, gays are portrayed very “shallowly” and lesbians are “what-are-they-?-they-don’t-exist-wait-for-year-2025″.

As for me, I don’t feel the rush to come out. All my friends are straight except for one gay guy. Even though, my gay guy friend is very much accepted by my other friends, it does not make it easy for me to come out. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be all different standards for me, I fear that 1) they don’t get it, treat it like a joke, and I would have to come out 3 or 4 times until they get it or 2) they get it the first time, and treat me so differently like I have evolved into a stranger. Or of course, they can accept me and everyone happy! My biggest worry is not my family or friends, it is the possibility that despite being brave, talented, smart, caring, pretty and just amazing (yes that’s me! hahaha), I can’t still find love (and marry) because of the fact that I’m gay and I’m in the Philippines.

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In the Philippines, parents tend to accept more, their daughters who are single mothers than those who are lesbians. Do not get me wrong, I am also celebrating that women can be mothers, without the necessity to marry. I’m just pointing out that Catholicism has paved the way for the ultimate hypocrisy in this country.

Just to share my experience, I moved out of our family home four years ago. Financial freedom and independency are great friends when it comes to accepting your sexuality. And although I do want to come out to my family, they have made it harder for me by giving snide remarks (my sister have guessed my sexuality based purely on my decision to move out as it is customary for Filipinos to move out only when they are married).

Even if my sister has already shouted in front of my family when we were fighting, “Go back to your lesbian lover!”, what irritates me the most is their denial stances, as if noone shouted it. Am I the only one who feels awkward? Should I continue what I was doing? Is this the proper time to say “yes”?

And even if there have been hints of my orientation, my mother still asks me THE question “when are you getting married?”, shortly followed by “maganda ka naman, wala bang nanliligaw (you’re beautiful, no one is courting you?)”.

For each time my mother asked, I answered:

“Don’t bet on me, I’ll never marry here in the Philippines”
“When divorce is permitted here.”
“Please ask my brother instead.”
“No, I’ll die single.”

The other thing I related to is when my some of my straight friends advise me to date boys instead as if that’s the solution to my relationship problem. I always tell them that they are insulting my sexuality.

I would like to share some more, but I might have bored you already. Sorry for the long post. Your article was well-written and speaks the truth.

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