Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: Share Your Homo-Holiday Feelings!

Hot-Christmas-Cheerleaders-6Hello ladies & male allies! We had such a good time sharing all of our homo-holiday feelings with you during Thanksgiving that we thought we should probably do it again for Christmas. It’s so hard to be away from each other this holiday season and so here is a space for all ye lesbians, bisexuals, girls, bois, strais, muppets, stuffed animals, mothers, fathers, and twin sisters to share your terrible/AWESOME Christmas-related feelings from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and beyond!

It doesn’t really matter if you celebrate or not, because at least in America where we have no separation of church & state, this is pretty much a nationally imposed holiday. Or perhaps you are a poor Jew like me having Christmas with your Puerto Rican Atheist Girlfriend because you cannot afford to fly to Ohio to drink copious amounts of alcohol with the Quaker/Native American side of your family. Perhaps you are a Jew having Chinese food at the movies or perhaps you are Buddhist or Islam or Hindu or Bahá’í or PAGAN or something. You are all welcome here, bitches witches!

How’s it going? Are you decked out in tinsel and figgie pudding? Is your Dad drunk? Is your daughter crying because you’re just too feministy to give her the Barbie she asked for? Did you burn the giant animal in the oven? Is the health care debate at your dinner table anything like the one we’ve been watching on the TV? Are you shoving lots of food down your gullet while your aunt tries to convince you that you’re pretty enough to get a boyfriend? Did you get a flannel?

Don’t drink too much eggnog, you big Lez!

But it wouldn’t be Christmas without presents, right? So whomever comments with the most Terrible/AWESOME holiday story ever will win A YET TO BE DETERMINED PRIZE WHICH WILL PROBS BE AWESOME AND MIGHT BE LESBIAN EROTICA.

Oh, here’s the Muppet Family Christmas 1987. You can watch the entire thing on this playlist, here’s the first video:

Associate Editor Sarah is currently having lunch at Hooters with her parents, so really, beat that.

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Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1720 articles for us.

338 Comments

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    There is something called the “Matzo Ball” that takes place in most major cities that I may go to tonight. It’s basically the party for Jews on Christmas Eve.
    -
    Right now, I’m alternating between the following: working, reading about the health care plan, talking to people who are bored at home so they’re sitting on their computers, and playing Doom (I just downloaded it) on my computer. I MISSED THIS GAME.

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    So, last night we were supposed to get this crazy blizzard that lasted until Friday night, and all the churches in town canceled their Christmas Eve services, and I rejoiced. Well the blizzard was a little lackluster, and church is back on, now I have to go pretend to be a religious little straight girl, like I do every year on this one night… :( I knew I couldn’t get off that easy…

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    It’s Christma Day and I’ve so far spent the morning playing Mario Kart. I’m winning, f’real kicking ass on the Mushroom Cup. But my mother is in town (she lives in Dubai) and so now I have to put the steering wheel down and be sociable and go to some sort of family lunch thing in her and Jesus’ honour. I hope my grandmother likes Twilight ’cause she’s getting the books. I’ll update y’all on my fascinating day later. Merry Christmas everyone.

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    The kids have already knocked my tree over 3 times, and I may have drunkenly knocked it over once as well. Its now leaning, super sturdily, into the wall. I’m feeding the fam chicken nuggets for Christmas Eve dinner. Is it Jan. yet?

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      hahah oh geez.. my mom is catholic and my dad is jewish, but we just weren’t raised either.. and my dad is way more into Christmas every year than Hanukah– so he is probably a worse jew than your dad . Especially because growing up we were never allowed to tell my Jewish grandmother that we got any presents for Christmas, it was a secret

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          hahah ya we literally just don’t talk about it in my family. My Jewish grandmother totally has a thing against my mom just because she was raised Catholic. She went as far as having my fully Jewish cousins tell my sister & there was no santa when we were like really young… meanie

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      My Mom is Jewish and my Dad was Quaker but he said in his church they just were quiet until someone wanted to say something about G-d and if they fell asleep they got hit with a ruler, so we went with Judaism, and now my Dad is dead, so here I am in Long Island with my atheist girlfriend fighting about gratuity on bar-tips with her brother

      TIME FOR MORE ALCOHOL

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          Hah. I’ve been going to a Quaker meeting for about 8 years or so. 30 minutes of silence every Friday…I have fallen asleep though, shhh. The other day I stumbled upon a Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns pamphlet which made me break the silence with a loud “Ohh!!!!”

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          I sort of prefer Quaker services to other Christian services because there are less moments where I feel awkward about thinking that Jesus was super awesome but not necessarily “the son of G-d,” b-cuz everyone’s so quiet. But when my Dad was a kid teachers were still allowed to spank students and shit, so I guess slapping a sleeping congregant was nothing compared to that

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          Yeah. Hah, I usually sing Tegan & Sara in my head for half an hour. It’s very lax, whatever floats your boat works. We don’t really talk about beliefs & faith, we just wish people well. Last week I read holiday cards from kids, almost all of them wished for peace & friendship. It may be fruity, but it’s kinda cute.

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          Man, the internet is great because there are other Quakers on it. Hi guys! I love being quiet, and falling asleep in Meeting, and not having a service I have to go to on Christmas! Also when other people ask if we celebrate Christmas I tell them we dance around trees in the woods. The end.

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    Dad: “Here, have a Christmas beer. We’re gonna need it.”

    Mimosas planned for the morning. The Riesling is finished. Gonna go kick my brothers ass at darts. I will not put on the Reindeer antlers and sing carols. NEVER AGAIN.

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        so, almost convinced the family that beer pong with the festive solo cups would be better than church. no go. ended up donning the reindeer antlers, broke out the guitar, sang carols and split a 6 of Leffe with Dad before hitting up church with the grandparents. at least I felt a little warm on the inside.

        totally looking forward to the mimosas in the AM. It will help when the family starts planning my life for me. according to mom and aunt, I should be popping out a baby by 26. fml.

        anyway. happy homo holidays! hope santa left me a girlfriend under the tree…or Natalie Portman, whatevs…

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      Omg. You and I drink exactly the same thing… well I haven’t drank anything, yet, actually. But I have Brut in the fridge for mimosas tomorrow, and a bottle of my favourite reisling…

      I also have a six pack of (STRONG 9.5%) holiday beer and a very large french vanilla Kahlua that was marked down at the liquor store… and I haven’t drank anything. I don’t even feel like drinking.

      I actually feel good. A few days ago I was feeling sorry for myself and bawling into my bottle of booze, but my coworker cheered me up and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie tomorrow – so I feel much better.

      I have no family in town and I don’t like travelling in the winter – especially up to the 55th parallel – where they live. The weather was nice – cool but not cold – and beautifully sunny.

      I went and got some stuff for a little care package type gift for my coworker-friend and…

      I bought myself some maps for my dungeons and dragons miniatures and glued one to a table-shelf thing that I redecorated and refurbished…

      and I set up my little angels and dragons and monsters and heroes on it. DORKTASTIC.

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        Any story that ends with a sweet tale of making maps for dungeons & dragons miniatures and setting up angels, dragongs, monsters and heroes is a successful happy Christmas story

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      your dad and my dad would get along great. i flew in on monday afternoon and as soon as we got in the door he was like, “i think this calls for a welcome home bourbon” and poured two fingers of maker’s into a tumbler and handed it to me. and i was like, “DAD. it is 1:30 in the afternoon. i need ICE WITH THIS.”

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    Also, for terrible stories, one year a girl I was dating CAME OUT TO HER FAMILY BY INTRODUCING ME ON CHRISTMAS EVE. LOLZ.

    It would have been hilarious had it not been awful, especially she had told me before that her parents “Knew and were totally cool” LIES.

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      OMG. Awesome.

      That is a great bad christmas story.

      For me, the last bad christmas was the last christmas I spent in my hometown – when my family bought my grandpa (who has a degenerative brain disease) a firepit – and proceeded to set it up in the backyard and burn all of our christmas garbage in it… *black plumes of dirty plasticky smoke billowing into the sky*

      I just about died of embarrassment and horror.

      Thankfully they have all given up on convincing me I am straight at this point – but they still have a horrific tendency to espouse racist viewpoints and generalized ignorance that just makes me CRAZY.

      Which is why it is so utterly awesome that I am spending christmas eve, alone, at home… and spending christmas day with my coworker.

      Weird. But awesome.

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    Christmas eve is usually pretty tame [with the exception of the ridiculous amount of stress and frustration I dealt with earlier today] so I have nothing to add to the open thread. YET. I will be all over this tomorrow when I’m with my extended family who last saw me with long hair and sans lip ring. IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN BEING SO OBVIOUSLY GAY YET HAVING TO AVOID TELLING THEM THAT I LIKE GIRLS ESPECIALLY SINCE I WILL BE SO BEYOND SOBER.

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    It’s christmas eve here in Texas-it’s 23 degrees, SNOWING (that never happens here on Christmas)and I’m STILL not in the holiday mood! All I want to do is cry in the shower and drink spiked fruit punch- happy holidays!

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    I’ve spent the last ten hours renovating a house with the fams, which is probs really gay. This is also how I spent Thanksgiving, at least one other Christmas I can remember, and vacations for the last three years.

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    This is going to be my first non white christmas ever – unless someone pulls some mega miracle off.

    I am good with it though – I am -happy- it is warm out, to be honest.

    I hope you all have happy holy days.

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    Second year in a row that my west coast-residing brother couldn’t make it back east for Christmas. Its hard to get into the spirit when its just me and my parents.

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    started the day playing Donkey Kong 64 and finding out from my dad (half a country away) that my uncle is out of jail and now aware that I’m a lesbian. Oh, and that my mom accidently spilled the beans to the rest of the family, so I’ve spent the evening dreading the impending conversation about me being a vagitarian – my mom gave me the summed up version of her conversations to date: “so how does she know she’s gay?” “who’s her significant other?” “well THAT’S disappointing!”

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    you guys i have to go to the 11pm Christmas Eve service tonight and i forgot my business belt in the states. WHAT NOW. i can’t fit a flask in my dress pants, i don’t have my business belt, and the next Christmas joint is HOURS AWAY. I NEED A FESTIVUS MIRACLE. also realizing i don’t know how to iron a shirt.

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    So I’m in the process of transferring schools and Christmas came early last week when I got my acceptance letter into my #1 school for spring semester of 2010!! I am going to celebrate by getting stoned before entering my childhood church to celebrate an eerie midnight service.
    May the story of the birth of baby Jesus Christ Emmanuel warm all your homo-hearts. At the end of the day, you know he would have totes been on team Gay.

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    Christmas is usually pretty non-tradition since my mom is a buddhist/possibly christian that works on christmas day and is asian. The past couple years I’ve pretended to be in friends’ families, eaten their food, and heard stories of baby birthing and conception (I was at a table with OBGYNs), but this year is different.

    I’m starting off with my Bailey’s and hot chocolate and not looking back. No awkward table talk for me!

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    Every 5 years we get to host our family christmas party. It’s our year. Locking myself in my room since my mother is anal about everything. Decided I was starving about 30 minutes ago only to find out everything is closed on Christmas Eve even my last choice of food, McDonalds. Such a disappointment. Christmas Eve I spend with my father so he can give me his gifts. I got a yankees sweatshirt, a necklace, a new pair of sanuks & a teddy bear? allllrightyyy then. Xmas break has been a huge fail. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

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    right now i’m incredibly sober and my mother is showing all of my childhood / awkward teen photos to my children. my phone has no signal so no one can call me. these pictures, y’all — it’s like there must not have been a pair of tweezers in the entire county.

    i am so fucking sober.

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    My first chrismukkah without a home to go home to- my parents sold the house in NJ and it’s a terrible feeling of displacement- just started to sink in. I feel like all of my friends flew away from new york and left me with their pets- but there’s something sort of nice about having a chinchilla and a cat to play with for the next week. EVERYONE NEEDS TO COME BACK SO I STOP GOING TO MOVIES BY MYSELF!

    I bought my brother Rock Band for helping my parents move. I dropped it in a giant slushy puddle outside best buy. WOMP WOMP!

    On a much lighter note, we have the most secular, boozy christmas eve as half jews and now that catholics can’t stay over, Jesus is FIRMLY out of the picture. it is a happy holiday and happier because you’re all here to kvetch with.

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      I was just fretting the day my parents sell this house, which will be soon, because the last child is almost out of high school and mother wants to move… I have a year and a half to come up with the money to buy the home or convince my parents there is no reason to move… the 2nd is the more realistic ha

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    As the lone Jew in a group of Shiksas, Christmas Eve was spent at Starbucks with my friends doing a little freak watching while trying to make our coffee “irish”. Tomorrow will be spent eating Chinese food and watching Fiddler On The Roof.

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    You know all the insanity, chaos, and awkwardness of ONE day spent with your family for the holidays? I get to do it four times this week. Fortunately, I am prepared to be at least mildly blazed for the duration of each. Thanks a lot, broken home.

    Bonus: I got a box of Nicorette gum from my mother for Christmas #1.

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    im sober and i’m feeling gayer then i ever felt this entire year(not even when i…)
    I usually feel this happy/gay with three or four shots in my system(i’m a lightweight) but i am nowhere near alcohol, i cant even smell it…
    this cannot be healthy

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    Just had Christmas Eve Present Time! Um, we had a birthday cake for Jesus [I don't really like cake... or Christianity SO.] Then we read from the Bible y’all! Also, Peef: The Christmas Bear which is the cutest book ever and we’ve been reading it since ’95. THEN WE OPENED PRESENTS WHICH IS THE ONLY THING I CARED ABOUT #materialistic. Accidentally was given two gifts in one so I got The Just and Fame. So now I can spend Christmas talking to my family about terrorism and musicals. AWESOME.

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    I just spent the last several hours being consoled by various family members for not having found the right man yet. Apparently it’ll happen someday. …Don’t bet on it.
    If I can make it through another week of this I think I can make it through anything.
    Where’s the rum?

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      Oh what that is terrible! massive internet hugs, cant believe you’re stuck with the english and sober for christmas! (jokes, i don’t hate the english). How do you not have snow? There is snow everywhere here. Like everywhere. The news was just half an hour of Jackie Bird talking about snow. This is why I don’t like London.

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    So far so good: managed to convince my family not to go to church tonight… my reasoning: because we were all getting along so well (which is rare), why ruin it with church? Instead we stayed in, baked cookies for the first time ever, played DJ Hero and Mario Karts, and are now ending the night with Elf. Hopefully we can keep up the goodness through to tomorrow when we get to join the extended family.

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    my aunt has spent the last year teaching her 1-year-old granddaughter to “blow out” the lights before she turns them off. this means all 18 people at my grandma’s house spent the night watching her try to blow out the christmas tree. guys it was soooooo cute.

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    My day has consisted of: work, very late lunch/early dinner, home on the couch alone watching tabatha’s salon takeover, dollhouse, and now a summer heights high marathon on HBO-comedy. jamesons consumed: 2.
    DO NOT BE JEALOUS OF MY SOCIALITE LIFE.

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    I’ll tell you my worst holiday story: This year, my grandfather’s third wife (think stepford wife) called my family to tell us we we not invited for christmas dinner. To top it off, she wants us to help her cook the food for the event without actually coming. The nerve!!

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    So I am Jewish because my mom is however, My step mom and her mom make a gynormous christmas eve dinner traditional italian style: Clams, oysters, shrimp and lobster. My dad makes wine so we had homemade white and red. Then we open presents. The only emo part I had to the whole night is that my step grandmother is old and she is joking about how she is going to spoil my kids and that my husband should be my equal. I mean she is 93. I’ve talked with my step mom about how we aren’t going to tell her just because we don’t want to upset/confuse her. *sigh* now I am playing modern warfare and will probably have some Jameson and some gingerale and then go to bed.

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    Got in from Australia 2 days ago and still jet-lagged (or at least that’s my excuse for going to bed @ 6am and waking up at 3 in the afternoon). Happy to be home though…even if there is no tree, or decorations, and all my limbs are freezing off in NH!!! There’s soy eggnog for my vegan bro and stockings though…and I’ve smuggled some Bundy and Baileys into the country cuz I’m locked in the house til Monday as the fam “desperately needs to reconnect…or connect rather.” No place like home for the holidays. Regardless of your religion, have a great day everyone! :D

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    Thus far I’ve received a super-duper gaymo flannel shirt (which sadly, I really liked…) and a nyc for dummies book. Then I had too much to eat/drink during a Christmas Eve party, got uber sick, & fled to the comfort of my home/bed.
    —–
    On a positive note, one of my friends made me a Christmas song to the pokerface beat. Ho… ho ho ho ho… ho ho ho happy holidays, happy holidays.

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    Drinking hot chocolate and wishing for the first time ever that my alcoholic mother was still hiding bottles of hard liquor around the house. You know, in order to make the dinner tomorrow easier to cope with.

    I might be going to hell for that comment. I might be okay with that.

    I’m also kind of hoping that my pregnant, teenage step-sister and the 10-years-her-senior baby daddy will cause some drama. That way, as a gravy boat goes flying across the room, I can casually mention that I am in fact on academic probation because I’m too proud to allow anyone to tell me what is the “right” way to write/think/act.

    So, yeah. Marshmallows.

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    Oh, man, I wish I were enough of a liar to try to make up something crazy/hysterilarious enough to win some erotica. But here’s how it’s really going, bahaha:

    Okay, I have a non-rev ticket to Detroit at 7:10AM that I might not get a seat on. And speaking of feministy anti-barbieism, my mom told me my little second cousin got a Barbie four-wheeler, a Barbie scooter, AND a Barbie bike and my sole response was: “I don’t support Barbie.” Besides, where is this little girl going? She’s got enough transportation for the whole dyke march worth of dykes. Santa was definitely in my house, because my lonely tree got full with gifts and my stocking stuffed shortly after midnight. Although, like two of those gifts are for me. You get older, get a job, everyone thinks you want to buy your own gifts. Like wow, I’m legitsickle not a kid anymore. It’s all good though. I used to get like 37 gifts on avg but it’s allll good in the hood. I did howevs get a blackberry today from pops (307c137c). That’s cool. I’ve got some weird allergy/sinus infection hybrid crap and my half gf just decided we are to shag no longer; she’s going back to her self-destructive ex. I oughta hurt myself some more, maybe I can get some girl to stick around, no? Actually, I’m less morbid than I sound, I love Christmas. I’ve got gifts to collect in Detroit and my D-town BFF just told me we’re getting a hotel room for three nights, including New Year’s. Hotel room trashing, anyone? Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

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      wow lol your half gf totally sounds like my self-destructing ex. she left me for her ex boy toy because she “couldnt handle the pressure of being with a girl” but i guess she can handle the pressure of being with a guy who hits her when he gets a little carried away with his drinking.
      so you see? you’re not the only single dyke spending xmas with fam/friends (at least you bff is *present* -> see what i did there? lol)
      So yeah get wasted, get high! thats what i did and right now life is GREAT

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        Permission to tweet such grand advice? It’ll look something like this: “So yeah get wasted, get high! thats what i did and right now life is GREAT” – Jamie via @autostraddles

        Grand words those are! Lol. I plan on getting a little tossed for New Year’s.

        I’ve never understood those kinds of people. My much less present other Detroit bestie has gone down a completely different road than I and the first friend, mainly because of her destructive relationships. She gets bored with boys who treat her nicely. Go freakin’ figure.

        P.S. Autostraddle is the only place no one has said to me “wtf is a half-gf?” And I’ve referenced her several times, lol. I love this place.

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          permission granted lol
          i never understood those type of people. i just try not to get involve with them, but since god has a sense of humor i get involved with nothing but

          PS> Autostraddle is exploding with awesomeness! i love it also actually i’m like obsessed (it is now my home screen lol)
          And in reguards to your half gf, everyone has/had one…at least i did…quite a few actually…

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      love this: “my little second cousin got a Barbie four-wheeler, a Barbie scooter, AND a Barbie bike … where is this little girl going?”

      I imagine this girl with like all of her little barbie transport items all dressed up and no-place to go.

      Yah Detroit! Hotels there are a steal! That’s where my Mom is sort of.

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    I went to the 11pm service with the fam, which was cool, and I ran into this girl that I’ve had a crush on since I was like 13. We had an awesome conversation until her brother interjected to talk about his Bible college and how the education system in America started going downhill when they took ‘scripture’ out of public schools… Gotta love the Bible Belt!

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    Tonight we ate sushi and drank. We went to Christmas Eve service post-drinking. We came home and watched ALL of the Christmas episodes of The Office and 30 Rock on DVD. We drank more. My older brother and I told our family stories about a recent trip we took to Japan. We drank more.

    We’ve now all gone to bed and will wake up tomorrow to much of the same only a traditional Christmas dinner instead of sushi and gifts instead of church. My Grandma will also be over where we will listen to her tell stories she has made up completely (for example, we recently heard that a 19 year old repair guy who works in her complex proposed to her). Christmas with my family, totally good times.

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    Yus no religious books/pamphlets in my stocking this year! There’s always the possibility that they might have been saved for actual presents though, but I am cautiously optimistic. And we still have fuckloads of snow! Maybe it won’t be so bad this year…maybe.

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    I just realised it’s now boxing day in Australia. I’m in hospital ATM & my number 1 feeling is “Can I get something stronger please?” they were giving me panadol you guys! Panadol! I can get that from the supermarket! I hear americans call it acetaminophen. I’m impressed I still remember that cos they finally gave me some good painkillers & now I can go to sleep. If I wasn’t here I’d probs have spent Christmas playing wii.

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    Last night I had a dream that Autostraddle had come up with some sort of gay map you could load onto your iPhone. It was very pretty.

    Also I love Christmas because I can drink around my parents. Though my mom did give me the evil eye when I was looking at my cousin’s swimsuit calender this morning.

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    haha i did get my mom the susan boyle cd.

    i also sat and made up jewish jersey shore nicknames with shoshana bean via twitter.

    and i wrote a parody to empire state of mind. my life is lame. and i helped calm my boyfriend down about his flight via gchat.

    xo

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    I’ve been spending the last 24hours with sigourney weaver, realizing that falling in love with a giant blue pocahontas is possible and remembering John had interesting pre-Ally macbeal career choices: Avatar+ghostbusters christmas mashup brought to you by @Hennessy

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    Got the BBC version of Planet Earth. FIRST THING I DID WAS WATCH SUNFLOWER STARFISH OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION EATING THE SOFT INNARDS OF HELPLESS SAND DOLLARS.

    Now I’m cleaning my room and getting ready to go see my extended family in the city. Let’s see how long it takes for them to ask me the following questions:
    - Why’d you cut your hair so short?
    - Did it hurt when you got your lip pierced?
    - Do you have a boyfriend?

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    this xmas was just a reminder of how white and gay i am. i feel like there should be a drinking game for this. going to play with my new messenger bag, moleskine notebooks, and awesome sweaters from l.l. bean/rei.

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    Oh my god i think i might be going insane. I am currently playing ‘War on Terror – the Board game’ with my siblings, which is what my mother gave me this Christmas, yay. It has an ‘axis of evil’ spinner and my little sister is wearing the ‘evil’ balaclava atm as she is being a terrorist this turn. There is an actual thesis size book of instructions and the most dyslexic out of all of us is in charge of deciphering it. Would much prefer to be playing scrabble or risk. This isn’t even the most bizarre thing that has happened today.
    In severe need of alcohol right now, thank fuck for Autostraddle.

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    Christmas eve/christmas morning was spent with my gay boyfriend’s brazilian family. Drinking and smoking up with sexy, funny brazilians made for a very happy, gay start to xmas.

    Now my mom wants to know why my friend isn’t coming to our christmas dinner.

    I think she got too excited to hear that I went to a male friend’s family christmas party. Time to pour some alcohol on that hangover.

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    I’m being blizzarded in at this very moment so any festivities that were going to happen, are no longer. However, I am happy that various beer gifts were exchanged this morning, meaning the fridge is stocked. Nothing says Happy Bday Jesus like a case of Miller Lite. Also, I’m happy I can steal the neighbor’s internet and get my dose of A-to-the-Straddle.

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    HEY IT LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT TO 201 WITH NO PROBLEMS! (tess said it was going to break at 200 but we are in the clear)

    Also, this is my new favorite part of the holidays. I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day!

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    IMAGINE: you leave college for break. your friend/ex-girlfriend basically tells you she won’t speak to you again if you don’t spend christmas break with her, because you know, you went to off to college and you haven’t seen her since summer. so you get there, and your friend/ex-girlfriend is there and she is crazier, bitchier, needier, more obsessed/in love with you, more of a tool than ever. while you’ve been gone she’s “become an artist” but is actually just copying the paintings you left at her house. she freaks out if you spend time with her sisters, if you go out of her sight. she is afraid of aliens and computers and will only let you use your computer if she’s not around (which is rare). she’s compulsively telling stories you know aren’t true, because she’s trying to sound cooler/smarter. she stares at you for extended periods of time even though you’ve told her it bothers you. she asks you what you’re thinking too many times a day, even though you have told her that this, also, bothers you. you’re generally distraught. THEN YOUR INTERNET DIES. Then Christmas happens.

    She is sleeping. I’m on her computer researching whether to fly to California or take a bus to Maine and I feel like a secret agent. Which is really all I’ve ever wanted… you know, to be a secret agent.

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    my xmas has been pretty quiet, no tree, no presents, the only xmas tradition we didn’t ignore is the food part. it’s just my mum, sis and me, one side of the family lives a few hundred miles away and we decided not to drive up this year, and we’re not talking to the relatives that live here in town. so overall it was just like a normal day with really good food and entertainment provided by the latest installment of mystery case files. my grandma did call and ask “did you go to church?”, even though the last time i went to church was 13 years ago…

    happy holidays everyone :)

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      the food part is the best part. that’s what we did last year too actually. we kept the food, and the white elephant gift exchange which is when my cousins try to pass off a roll of toilet paper and a broken california rasins singing doll as a legitimate gift and my aunt regifts all the things her preschoolers got her and I find something in the glove compartment.

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    OH HEY WHAT’S UP CRYSTAL I’M JUST KICKING SOME JESUS-LOVING MOTHERFUCKING ASS ON GUITAR HERO 5 RIGHT NOW WHERE ARE YOU. oh yeah, you’re in WEAKTOWN, being THE MAYOR.

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    I just had to leave my living room because my nana won’t stop talking about finding me a rich husband. It’s really awkward for the entire family since they all know I’m gay but also know that my nana CAN NEVER KNOW.

    BUT!! because my parents are awesome people they know that I have a probably unhealthy love for Kathy Griffin and bought me 6th row tickets to see her show in February! So who cares that I have to put up with my nana’s constant talk of boys and husbands.

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    My grandma called because she couldn’t make it and everyone was taking their turn talking to her. The only thing she asked me was if I had any boyfriends [plural] and when I said no she asked to talk to my dad.

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    It’s Boxing Day now. My Christmas Day was strange, my family are for real strangers. I got given a mouse pad shaped like an oriental rug for Christmas, which is better than it sounds. It defo one-upped the Holy Water I got for my birthday, something I thought was impossible. Now I’m going to go into the city and buy shit that I don’t need in the Boxing Day sales.

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        it’s okay rach, i didn’t realize nobody knew what boxing day was outside of canada until recently. i guess they have it in Australia, too? must be a commonwealth thing :) Boxing Day is the day after Christmas and it’s our equivalent to your Black Friday. it’s the day where everybody goes to get stuff at crazy sales and camps out in front of Best Buy. the actual origin comes from (i think) back in the day when on the day after Christmas people would take gifts over to their neighbours and families’ houses. in boxes, i imagine.

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          oh, i like your name for it much better! black friday always makes me think of plagues or mourning or how i can never go back to cabela’s again. boxing day sounds fun! don’t go to best buy though for realz.

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          I like to play in Cabela’s with the outfits and the stuffed animals. Not “stuffed animals” but you know, the animals that were alive and are now stuffed.

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          In stores of the Cabela’s/Bass Pro Shops genre, I am equally disturbed by the giant stuffed animals and the vats of animal pee to be used for hunting. I gotta go the gift card route every time because the store gives me the heebie-jeebies.

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          Yay for the commonwealth, I love Boxing Day! You’re actually expected to sit around in front of the fire all day, its aces. I was always told by my gran that its called Boxing Day because thats when you would give the servants presents, and that she used to do that and also to homeless people and stuff. ohhhh the olden times.
          The sales are mental though. One year one of my friends had a woman try and use her as a stepladder when she bent down to pick something up. She quit after that.

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      don’t get trampled to death! if there’s a type of shopping worse than christmas shopping it is boxing day shopping, people are all grabby and shit. i think i’ll stay at home and possibly watch antichrist.

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        Okay I just experienced my first ever Boxing Day Sales and it was LIVING HELL. I spent 30 minutes just trying to get into the damn department store, totally not worth it. I bought a Blu-Ray player and Wii Resort to numb my pain.

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    My family is watching Four Christmases, featuring phoned-in performances by Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. I’ve been counting the gender stereotypes. I’ve been watching for 17 minutes and i’m up to 34.

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    My family’s having a refreshingly low-budget holiday. I gave my sister
    my harmonica (she really wanted one for the record) and she made me a necklace from a broken cymbal I had. We got my parents Scattegories, and some wine, and we’re anticipating breaking into those later tonight.

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    Seem to have survived another day of ‘do you have a boyfriend?’ relatively un-scathed. Tough moment when the neighbour mentioned she almost bought me a ‘grow your own boyfriend kit’ though. What would that even entail?!

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    my christmas is pretty quiet, but i realized it’s a friday and i’m back from school…back in the city, it feels great. the food thus far has been pretty good. my mom has asked me if i’ve found a nice boy. i went to church with her last night for the x’mas eve service…i was surprised that i wasn’t burnt to a crisp the minute i stepped into the door. that’s always good news. now i’m anticipating the craziness that is boxing day.

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    My Christmas feels so chill after reading all these comments.

    I’m away from home for the holidays, so I’m staying with a friend’s family in England and they are pretty laid back. His parents gave me a masala dabba (http://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Masala-Regular-Traditional-Box/dp/B000T3E96O) and even though I don’t have spices yet, I already don’t know how I ever lived without it. I can’t wait to get spices, go back to France, and have every Anglophone within 100 kilometers knocking on my door going “OMG!DOISMELLSPICEYFOODINFRACE?!”. That’s right, in their awe they will be unable to leave any pauses.

    We’re meant to go spend Monday with some of their extended family tomorrow, which will probably provide for a more awkward/inspired story to post here. Apparently last year a game of spoons brought someone to tears, their favorite relatives regularly eat roadkill (only if it still has the eyes), and I’ve been warned that everyone will assume I’m Alix’s girlfriend which will be a double gaydar fail of EPIC PROPORTIONS.

    But actually the holiday has been really nice- a good break from work and a comforting alternative to the things I’m missing at home. Dammit, that won’t win me any erotica will it?

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    THIS HOLIDAY WON’T END. I think we drank everything in the house. At Big Holiday Dinner we talked about gays in the Lutheran clergy and Tiger Woods. Now we’re talking about the economy. So it’s like every other family dinner, except, I’m trying to get back to school ASAP and there’s pretty lights, trees, ‘n shit.

    and it’s raining.

    I want it to be Boxing Day so I can watch all the soccer I want.

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      It was kind of funny listening to the men talk gossip about tiger woods,(and I am really sick of anything having to do with the guy) because any other year they would be bored out of their mind hearing any of the women gossiping about like idk brangelina

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    i would like the equivalent of an auto-purple heart for living through my uncle picking me up at the cincinatti airport tweaked out on meth and driving me to central kentucky in the rain OMG DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? yes. yes it did. HOW AM I ALIVE?! divine intervention!

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    Low key Christmas. Went to my grandfather’s house for lunch/presents. Partner has been going with me for years. The other side of the family does their thing on Christmas Eve. Everyone asked where my g/f was…we split the holiday on Christmas Eve because her family does nothing on Christmas Day. It’s been eight years so everyone has gotten to the acceptance level of the drama.
    Did not stop me from sneaking in Mimosa fixins into grandpa’s house. About to hit up the last of the champagne bottle right now!
    Best present so far…my younger brother got me a copy of Pride and Prejudice with Zombies…I love zombie flicks and this should be an interesting read.

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    my two grans genuinely spent a good chunk of time this morning discussing the colour (can it be called that?!) beige, and its pros and cons, which pretty much set the tone for the day. made slightly more exciting when my crazy (actually) auntie turned up and made everything awkward about 300 times, including making not-so-discrete references to my gayness ALL THE TIME as i just recently came out and shes a pro at making me feel about as uncomfortable as possible. one of my grans is a super homophobe and doesnt know so we all had to laugh off/change the conversation many many times which was kinda funny the first time but then actually started driving me insane, plus my gran is quite deaf and she just looked really sad that she didnt know what was going on! anyways in comparison to the absolute mess that has been the last few years it all went quite smoothly.

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    The comments work now for me.. Yay

    anyways i am so confused by how many peoples relatives ask if they have a bf. My grandparents/aunts/ uncles have never asked my sisters and i or even my cousins such a question.

    Also the whole thing with the not bein able to come out to grandparents thing… In my head i think that will be the last generation of that.. If that makes sense

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      WHAT?! Seriously? Everyone in my family’s first question is always “Do you have a boyfriend?” and I’m pretty sure that the first question from any that know I’m gay will be “Do you have a girlfriend yet?!”. But that may be because most of them got married by 23 (for the first time anyway) and still think it’s a woman’s job to find a good man and make babies.

      And I agree, hopefully in another generation the grannies out there will have grown up with queer friends and won’t be so difficult.

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        Ya, I don’t know … none of my friends really seem to get that question either though … I asked haha. I I mean I don’t think anyone in my family got married before 29 or 30 or even older… and I am only 23 so who knows. I am sure not complaining though haha — however it is awkward when people I babysit for ask that, regardless if I am single or not because idk why they are asking haha

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    my last grandma just passed away after being in a vegetative state, so for me there are no grandparents to come out to… but my mom has asked me and hinted that i’ll be a lot happier when i have ‘someone’ with me, or something along those lines… ugh…

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    Home from a pretty decent outing to the suburbs. Not out to anyone there except my mom due to the extreme Catholicism. Appears to be another Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Christmas. Then my cousin busts out with a “If we were doing a movie of our lives you would be played by Sue Sylvester” (not Jane Lynch mind you, Sue). “But I don’t wear tracksuits” I reply. “Oh that doesn’t matter. You’re not as mean as her either, well at least not out loud”. Ummm, thanks I think.

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    sometimes i brag about my awesome family, but i also have a not awesome other family and then i feel really bad because i remember how it sucks when your family is no fun.
    like, all morning at my not-fun family, we talked about how fox news is the most reliable source out there and then watched fox/napped for two hours.
    but then this afternoon at my fun family’s we ate cake and talked about team edward v. team jacob. and then my 80-years-old-today grandma said she was going to stick around until i got married even if it takes 20 years for it to be legal.

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      I really don’t know how people live through conversations about foxnews without dying. this is why i can’t hang out with anyone besides tinkerbell, i can’t keep my strong opinions to myself. perhaps this is why i am at my girlfriend’s parents’ house alone with the dog while she is at a bar or something with other youths.

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      I love your Grandma, that is just the best thing I’ve ever heard!

      I got my 15 year old brother an Edward poster for Christmas as a joke (him and his friends do Twilight parody films, so it was perfect), and he’s taken a picture of him with it for his facebook hoping to ignite a team Edward vs. team Jacob war. It’s the cutest thing.

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    FYI: I just said “salamat po” to my Mother, thanking her for getting me a beer (it means “thank you ma’am/sir” in Tagalog) and she thought I said “slam that poe” and was quoting some unknown rap song. The likely issue is the combo of me being terrible at pronouncing Tagalog along with my Mom not knowing the language at all, but we could also blame the wine/beer/rum.

    I needed to share that with someone somewhere and this seemed like the right place.

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    i cannot sleep so i read this thread even though christmas is over. I drank too much red wine and some chocolate martini’s so i read this thread. and talk to my best lezbro on the phone while she talks about the lady love of her life who is in Afghanistan. :(

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    This was going to be another unremarkable, low key Christmas until my sister buzzed her head at a house party we went to last night.
    So now this is forever going to be the Christmas when “Julia took Jeanine to a this radical Christmas party and she came home bald!”

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    So on turkey day I posted how my stepdad looked at me n my gay stepbro n said he was thankful for the grandkids he MIGHT have since then.

    Update: since then one of my gay friends is home for the holidays aka living with us. My girl best friends mom found out about her and her girlfriend (kicked the girlfriend who was living with them
    out) and her girlfriend is living with us. So now I’m my house is three non-hetero teen and twenty something kids rockin it out in my small room with my step dad scorning the ground we walk on.

    Christmas day the two roomies were gone and my gay stepbrother was over. After my stepdad makes fun of his nose then sneaks a side shot photo to prove to him that is bulbous. (which it’s not) everyone is on edge. But wait there was still room for a “someday I can only hope I can share the magic of Christmas with a grandchild”. Guess what just cause were with the same sex doesn’t mean there isn’t tons of artificial reproduction technology and tons of adoption agencies.

    Basically my stepdad is an ignorant homophobe but it’s ok because there’s three of us living in the house! Happy holidays!

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    In addition my mom said she’s had her taste of both side of the fences so we like to think there’s power in numbers against my stepdad homophobia. 3.5 non-heteros v. One hetero homophobe. The saga will continue new years.

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    This thread is pretty awesome. Among other things, I love reading about other people’s Christmas traditions and cool and/or wacky presents. All in all, an hour well spent.

    Spent Christmas with immediate family and family friends, as all my other relatives live in Greece – and received many phone calls throughout the day as a result. Ate lots of lamb and drank lots of sake that one of our guests brought, which is probably uncommon having those things separately much less in combination.

    The best gift I received was a University of Alabama jacket, even if that meant recounting for the ten millionth time the details of my forthcoming trip to L.A./Pasadena in 2 weeks, which I’m absolutely stoked about. I didn’t care too much about the religious historical fiction book I got though and I didn’t have much patience for the religious discussions either.

    And as I’ve read about the awkward questions about dating and relationships, all I can say is just be glad you don’t have overzealous matchmaking Greek relatives and family friends trying to find you a “good Greek girl.” Well, maybe you do, but you get my gist.

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      i was JUST (literally just) reading the archives for like 3 hours because i’m like really really really cool and i thought to myself “where has that crazy sapphicsass kid been lately?” glad you’re here, sorry you’ve had a bummer of a vacay.

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        I’m glad I’m here too. And I am glad you are here too..too. And where have I been lately? I have been on a roller coaster ride to holiday hell. I will write a longer comment with more deets later because it was the most awesomely terrible experience in the history of history. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a tit, but it will live in holigay infamy forrrrrevvvvvvvvver.

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    i love this thread. i’m out of hospital now! i SO missed autostraddle. i couldn’t deal with using just my iphone’s internet argh!

    i especially love Crystal’s & bcw’s trash talking. i feel as if this guitar hero show down should be an autostraddle event. except, you guys, why don’t you do this in austraila. please?

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    So it’s time to open my the gifts, I open a pack on pink girl beif boxers. To which my dad says “thoes are the kind that thoes women wear..the bods?? butts?? what are they called?” I look at him blankly, I have no clue what he is talking about. “you know, we were having this conversations a couple weeks ago, what are they called?” after thinking about it again I said “Oh you mean butch, studs”. Then my mom and aunt told looked at him like we was stupid (because he is) and my mom told him to change the subject then my dad said “that she was just jealous because, and likes takling about the “real world” with his daughter” my dad is trying connect to me it’s funny he thinks I’m a big butch Lesbian which is funny, because I’m not butch and not even a lesbian I’m bisexual.

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    So……ok, I know I’m a little late on the jolly hollyday open thread, but my internet/enthusiasm for life was temporarily out of service. SO… I’ll hit the highlights of Christmas in Alabama. Also: keep in mind that no one in my family knows that I’m a ho ho homo. Seriously though, I’m like the lezziest lez in all of lezville. I’m the tip of the gay iceberg… which you could really just call the nipple..hmmm… yea.. so as I was saying. I’m the lezbicon of lesbians.

    10) My family tried to set me up on three blind dude dates. THREE. in the span of 2 weeks people. It was a testosterone trifecta in the deepest dimension of hell.
    9) I listened to my uncle equate being a democrat with murder for three damn hours.
    8) I saw a goat. A FREAKING GOAT. And not on a farm. I am talking front yard in place of a lawnmower pet goat.
    7) My family members boycott Whole Foods. Apparently being healthy insults God. I think he is insulted by getting dragged into all this nonsense. I think he wants a break and a beer.
    6) I was overheard by my grandmother talking to my best friend about visiting the “toy shop” to which my grandmother responded that she thought it was so nice that I care about giving to children and she offered to drive me. Of course I said hell no, but only because my grandma can’t drive worth a shit.
    5) There are more billboards telling me to repent than restrooms which had me asking the Lord for forgiveness for drinking three big gulps in two hours on the way to my cousin’s house.
    4) I bought my best friend the ForYourEntertainment album to which my mother informed my that I was funding Satan’s work by purchasing anything from Adam Lambert. (I swear I am not even kidding).
    3) As much as I insult the intelligence of hateful homophobic pricks, I have to applaud their creativity. I had to have seen over 100 tacky signs telling me that god hates me. Which I knew wasn’t true because God is a much better speller and could fund much better advertising campaigns.
    2) I was forced to watch “Facing the Giants” and Kirk Cameron’s sequel over 1 times! More than once! brain meltdown.
    1) I got nuts in my stocking. NUTS.

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    And I asked Santa for Mariska Hargitay for Christmas but instead I got a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”. I think Mrs. Clause needs to be in charge. I bet there is a lot more going on in that head of hers than nutcrackers and tinsel. I bet there is also a lot going on under that red robe of hers too. I’m just saying.

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