Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Gymnastics, Bikini Volleyball, and Synchronized Slapfights

Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

all images by intern geneva

 

SYNCHRONIZED DIVING


Brandy: Let’s do the ‘lympix!

Julie: Okay. God I wanna go to the land of castles and crumpets and beer and chips and accents and tea.

Brandy: Yeah. I’m so jealous of all these betches in London. Princess Kate and Lilly Allen and Keira Knightley and Daniel Craig. And Henry Cavill. And Kate Winslet.

Julie: And Mr. Bean. And Tom Hardy.

Brandy: And black people with British accents.

Julie: And Notting Hill. And good Indian food.

Brandy: Hugh Grant. Eating pizza with a fork and knife.

Julie: Do you have an extra fag. Is just a cigarette. Not a faggot.

Brandy: Ooooh, love that.


Julie: I can’t believe the synchronized diving.

Brandy: Synchronised diving. Let’s watch the girlies.

Julie: Okay. Damn! How the feg do they do that??

Brandy: It’s a trip. I wonder if any of them are real twins. If so, they’d have a big advantage.


Julie: Yeah! I wish there were actual couples doing it. And they’d dive off and hold hands. And then kill themselves.

Brandy: Ha! Actually, there’s a few couples I’d like to volunteer for that.

Julie: The Chinese are killing it. Why do they keep showing that cigarette?… I mean faggot.

Brandy: These Chinese synchronised divers are legit. They took gold! It’s gymnastics time!

 

GYMNASTICS

 

Julie: I can’t stop sweating, god. Here comes Justin Wieber.

Brandy: They robbed Jordyn. Wow. 16.233? I don’t get it. She stuck that landing like she was in quicksand! These damn Euro douches are judging it wrong!

Julie: What’s the best you can get? They all said that was perfect. It looked perfect. Why are the judges being such assfucks? Ohhh shit. Sorry Russia.

Brandy: The good scores are 16 and over. And they need to start giving them out. They’re being bitches.

Julie: Ok. Got it. Jay-Z needed to make a Budweiser commercial? That girl from China was pretty incredible on the uneven bars.

Brandy: Yes! This is their shit for sure. Very impressive. Here is the Russian lady that they say is a big bitch and a diva. She’s my new hero <3

Julie: Oh, is this the bitch?

Brandy: Yes! This is her. What’s her name? Aliya Mustafina!

Julie: The coach says he calls her a little devil. Ton of makeup. That is so fucking cool, the flipping from one bar to the other like that. Damn this girl is flying. Ohh kiss kiss kiss… ladeez.


Brandy: She’s really good. Victoria Komova. This little girl is Romanian. Like Nadia and Teodora.

Julie: And this stripper is Romanian, too.

Brandy: Hahahahahaha

Julie: She did fucking great though. What’s her name? Destinneee Van Hooterslinkavitch. Jordyn was OHkay.

Brandy: She’s kinda not delivering. I LOVE Kyla. Yes. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Killed it!!!!!!!

Julie: Killed it, betches. Who’s prettier her or the Jew?

Brandy: It’s between McKayla and the Jewess for prettiness to me. Kyla and Gabby are very cute, too. Kyla killed that and only got a 14.9. I guess it wasn’t difficult enough.

Julie: Yeah, the Russians were doing major more difficult stuff.

Brandy: Whoa. She got a 15.2. So, the USA is in the lead!

Julie: Yes, but they’re gonna have to keep killing it cause the Russkies are catching up. Here’s the Jewess’ story… Oh, actually that was dumb.

Brandy: The Jewess is pretty. I love how she knew everyone wanted Jordyn Bieber, and she didn’t let that bother her and just quietly rocked it and didn’t look back. No regrets.

Julie: Yeah, that was verrrryy cool. The Olympics competes with Franklin and Bash. I’m sure all of America is torn.

Brandy: I’m sure. I’d love a nighttime mimosa. Panda is getting ready for gymnastics. He’s stretching it OUT!‬ Kyla is gonna rock this beam.


Julie: Damn, she is rocking it.

Brandy: She sounded like she was dancing to Kill Bill. Very cute.

Julie: Ohh, that’s what that was. Yesyes. It did sound like that.

Brandy: And Kyla and McKayla are besties. Did you see them hug after she finished her beam?

Julie: Here’s your gerl. She’s doing great!

Brandy: Aly is doing great! I’m so nervous on beam.

Julie: She did so good.

Brandy: Veeeery gooooood. Her cupcake bootie was POPPIN!

Julie: Ha, it was it was POPPin. Her mom looks like she’s having a nervous breakdown. Omgawd haha..this poor Russian girl. She’s so upset.

Brandy: She’s the bitch and she’s showing it now. I feel for her, as I relate to bitches.

Julie: Ohh, whoa. She’s showing what a bitch she is… yeah… and she stomped off.

Brandy: She’s crying. And she’s pissed. Damn. Sorry Russia, you’re gonna have to lick our pussies.


Julie: They wish they could. They’re not doing good on the beam. These girls need to get it together. They’re giving up and it’s not a good look.

Brandy: Well, I like their depressive Russian bitchy attitudes. We have the floor left. Okay, gymnastics floor time! The bitchy Russian is the best for her attitude. She wins a gold from me for her scary ‘tude.

Julie: Major gold for ‘tude. She’s not letting any of the men touch her. Haha. She gets a gold from me for that. These gerls are all totally unfocused and they’ve given up. They’re dead inside and something is missing. That’s sad.

Brandy: It is sad. They’re all crying. Wow. Her score is so low. Lowest we’ve seen. USA has got this shit. We are about roll up on these gold medals, son!

Julie: Jesus, Gabby. God, her height is insane.

Brandy: She’s doing so good… ! Ahhahahhaha! That was amazeballs!

Julie: Ok, Jordananana… Whoa! Holy shit. She is FEELING herself, she’s saying F YOU. You shoulda had me for the all-around, you fucks.

Brandy: Here comes Jordyn Bieber. It all happens here. She’s smiling!!!!!!!

Julie: She should be smiling. That was fucking incredible. She stuck every landing. That’s a comeback baby.

Brandy: We want Jordyn to get the gold. Not Ali. Ali can get the gold in the all-around or the balance beam… They won the GOLD!!!!

Julie: Yeah – !

Brandy: Yay!!! Americans!!! USA!!!!!!

Julie: Yay!! So, Jordyn got her gold!

Brandy: Five girls came together and won the gold for USA. So good. And Julie and Brandy were just in Russia less than six weeks ago! Ha! Take that stinky Russia!


Julie: Ha! That’s right. Dos va fuck youu.

Brandy: I love that McKayla Maroney rolled in, did one giant vault, dropped the mic and was done.

Julie: And now look at us. Haha! Yes! The giant vault was increds. Yay! Awesome. Now you guys can go back to 7th grade and make good choices.

Brandy: Ahahahhahahaha! Good one.

Next: Swimming, fencing, beach volleyball, and boxed mac’n'cheese!

 

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17 Comments

    • Thumb up 8

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      I’m not big on the whole technical side of things so I don’t know how to DM you or whatevs that shit is referred too, but I just thought you should know the following…
      Thanks for making Autostraddle.
      You are more awesome than a unicorn flying over times square eating a poptart whilst shitting a fire rainbow whilst finding the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict, whilst roundhousing Chuck Norris in the face.

  1. Thumb up 1

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    Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3

    also

    Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don't care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn't change their lives the way it would change mine. I'm drunk.

    i may as well go to sleep now because nothing else i read today can top this.

  2. Thumb up 2

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    “April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too” :D :D

    “are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?” :D

    I loved this whole post. Thank you one and all. Please let’s have more drunken musings from Julie and Brandy whenever possible.

  3. Thumb up 0

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    “I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.”

    THIS.

    Also Julie and Brandy should totes come to london and eat pizza with a fork and a knife with me

  4. Thumb up 2

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    ahahahahahahaha – THIS –>

    “I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!”

    …thought Synchronized Swimming was the stupidest thing EVER. Seeing it in a whole new light now. Many thanks.

  5. Thumb up 0

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    I always find it amusing when people who aren’t from England have this perception of it being really sophisticated and English people being really refined going around in top hats. God it couldn’t be further from the truth. But anyways, this is hilarious. Thanks.

  6. Thumb up 1

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    I’m glad the underrated posts post sent me back here because I didn’t make it very far the first time. The graphics are amazing and hilarious! Favorites: PAMPLEMOUSSE, dead Russian puppet synchronized swimming, Morgan Freeman.

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