High Femme: You’re On a Smoke Date, Dandelion!

Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.

Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.

Header by Rory Midhani

High Femme_Rory Midhani_640px


It’s Friday night. Or Monday night. Maybe it’s Tuesday afternoon. I don’t know your life. But that girl you’ve been swooning over is on her way over here. You know, the one who makes you hear strains of “Closer” in your head whenever you look at her? She’s coming over for a hangout. And she’s bringing an eighth of OG Kush. Time to put on a clean shirt and rinse that bong, because you’re on a smoke date, Dandelion!

emaya

So excited about this Taco Bell run
Via fanpop.com

Smoke dates can have many advantages. Obviously, you’re relaxed enough in each other’s company to partake in semi-illegal activities together (unless you live in a progressive state and are a card-carrying medical marijuana user). Also, she doesn’t mind spending long periods of time with you. There’s no such thing as a “quick weed break.” Toking up is, by definition, a time-intensive process. You have the awkward small talk, the first spark up, the passing around of the goods before they are cashed out. Then you have the high itself, which will usually ground you for at least an hour, depending on your strain/tolerance. Then of course, there’s the procurement of munchies, and the eating of said munchies. Then probably another joint/blunt/bowl. We’re talking a good four or five episodes of Futurama here, so get comfortable. This might take awhile. But another human being wants to spend that much time with you! High five!

Music

First, turn off the Bob Marley. This isn’t Freshman year. We all know who shot the sheriff and the deputy too. Just play something mellow in the background or spin Carmen’s mix for smoking.

Talk About

+ Smoking. What you are smoking. Where you got it. How you are smoking it. What your preferences are.

+ ANYTHING pop culture related. Feel free to expound on your theories of Leisha Hailey’s Yoplait commercial, the tragic cancellation of Bomb Girls, or who the fuck A is. Because it’s gotta be Aria, right? I mean, come on.

+ Conspiracy theories! High people are drawn to conspiracy theories like moths to a dubious flame. Is Area 51 an alien think tank? Are the Illuminati running American Apparel? Are Tegan and Sara Quin THE SAME PERSON?

Do Not Talk About

+ Complicated geopolitical problems. Can you really be articulate about the global financial crisis when you’re tripping ovaries? Unless you’re an Aaron Sorkin character, the answer is no. It just took you twenty minutes to figure out how much to tip the pizza delivery guy. Slow your roll.

+ Sad personal stories. It’s awesome that you want to open up to this person. But now is not the best time. Serious stories are for sober moments, and you want their full attention to make sure you’re in a safe space. Also, nobody wants to harsh their buzz.

Recommended Viewing

Too Cute! Puppies is a real show that exists because America. It’s just puppies running around. It’s basically what plays in my head on a constant loop when I zone out. It’s possibly the greatest thing that has ever existed ever.

Cartoons: Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy, Bob’s Burgers, Archer (Pam!).

Youtube videos of cats. EASY ENOUGH.

Honorable Mentions

The greatest Beyonce fan video of all time.

I love this video so much I want to marry it. I want it playing in the delivery room when I birth my children. I want it playing on a fixed loop on my tombstone like an eternal flame. This video completes me.

The Only Party Trick You Need

shotgunkiss

Shotgun Kissby Megan Allard
Via megan-allard.deviantart.com

Ah, the time honored tradition of shotgunning aka the blow back. It’s silly, it’s sexy and it gets your mouth in very close proximity to her mouth. Shotgunning is a gateway drug to making out. Your basic shotgun is where Person A inhales and breathes the smoke into Person B’s mouth. Pretty simple.

Now for the advanced smoker: Person A takes the joint (WARNING: this only works with a joint!) and puts the lit end in their mouth. Person B then sucks on the other end while Person A blows. This has the effect of making Person A seem like a fearless, fire-swallowing badass. Just don’t lick the burning end, kids. Some of us learned that the hard way.

And Finally

Make sure to stay safe. Smoke within your limits. Don’t pressure your date or feel pressured to smoke more than you want to. Cannabis consent is sexy. And make sure everyone has a safe ride home and a soft place to crash. Because stoned cuddles? The best kind of cuddles.

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

Chelsea has written 42 articles for us.

38 Comments

  1. Thumb up 1

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    Recently for me an good ice breaker has been my equipment, specially I you have something she never used or familiar with. For me it would be my vaporizers, and I like to show them(hopefully it comes off in a subtly cute manner) how to best use it. This always leads to me having conversation flow progressively to various topics. At least that’s how my last social session worked out.

    The only thing I think you missed is snacks, drinks, and what nots. I like mangos, and oranges, because they are healthy, but more importantly there vitamins and chemical properties that make the high more enjoyable*.

    *vitamin c is suppose to help with paranoia and mangos are suppose to make the high more enjoyably/stronger.

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    I think that only like, ten percent of people that smoke weed are into it in a way that isn’t annoying. In that they don’t want to watch a reggae band with only white members, or try a pot flight.

    The mild stoner girl = fucking unicorn, hang onto that one.

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      A group of friends I used to quite often spend time with really got me into playing absolutely ANY genre of music while watching ocean documentaries on mute. It was insane, and awesome. ESPECIALLY, the deep sea. Alien like fish varieties, many of them bioluminescent. Try it at least once!

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    To those precious souls who are mildly into it, check out magic flight vaporizers. They are pocket sized, perfect for shows, battery powered, health(ier) and you can totally used the leftovers for baked goods, if you’re into that. Plus, sure to be a panty dropper. Kidding. Kidding.

    Well, maybe it worked once.

    • Thumb up 2

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      I just searched for that. Wow. That is definitely awesome and worth the value I’m consistently seeing it at.

      Also, “Well, maybe it worked once.” haha.

      Oh, and I would like to say, that if an individual does not have or plan on having that vaporizer or the like, there are always smoke buddies. Double carbon filter for the win.

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      I agree, I have 3 different vapes at the moment and it has impressed a few. If the MFLB is too pricey and rather not deal with batteries(cause you know you’d forgot to recharge them), the Vapor Genie Coil model can be had for really cheap, is flame based, and can work on many bongs. I am thinking about getting the ZenPen next as the kickstarter page makes it looks to be amazing for the size and the 4 hour battery claim if true, is legit.

      And you maybe kidding about panty dropping, but this woman I knew wanted to take her dress off cause she didn’t realize how more efficient these devices are. I had to say no, cause I was at my exs studio apartment at the time.

  4. Thumb up 3

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    Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of Kaki King while stoned, it works really well. Also, Ben Lee is another great one. I didn’t even know smoke dates were a thing! I feel like this might be the first kind of date that I would be good at :)

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