High Femme: What We Wear When We Blaze

Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.

Header by Rory Midhani

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Homoganjas, I would like to share something with you. Something extremely embarrassing that I’ve never told anyone before. I feel like this is a smoker circle of trust, right?

When I was a little kid, I thought that everybody smoked weed naked.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Let me explain. When I was a kid, the movie Hairspray was on a constant loop in my house. And this was the late ’80s, so I’m talking about the original John Waters Hairspray, starring Ricki Lake and the incomparable Divine (who I was obsessed with as a child. Who has two thumbs and two flamboyantly gay uncles? This girl!)

If you haven't seen this movie, you are doing life wrong

If you haven’t seen this movie, you are doing life wrong

The movie takes place in 1962, and there is a scene when Tracy and her crew end up in the mean streets of Baltimore and stumble into the home of a couple of beatniks. These beatniks, played by Ric Ocasek of The Cars and Pia Zadora, proceed to flirt with the crew and offer them some reefer. Specifically, Pia says the following:

formative moment for young Chelsea

A formative moment for young Chelsea

This might be the first time I ever heard of marijuana (which explains SO MUCH) so I assumed that everyone smoked weed naked. I also became obsessed with beatniks and wanted to be just like this Beatnik chick when I grew up. This desire lingered for a few years, until I saw Batman Returns and decided I’d rather be Catwoman. Kids are fickle.

I grew older, and eventually realized that most people smoke with their clothes on. It comes down to math, really.

Fire + Exposed Genitals = BAD.

This got me thinking about what we wear when we blaze. Is there such a thing as weed fashion? I’ve certainly seen my fair share of stoners in tie-dye tees and dirty sandals. College campuses are replete with frat bros in Bob Marley shirts. Does ganja fashion exist outside the realm of Spencer’s Gifts?

Now, I am hardly an expert on fashion. I dress like a 13-year-old boy, and I almost always value function over form. But I’ve compiled a few different essentials that I think make great smoke wear. You can call it Dolce & Ganjbana. Or DKNYTHC. Or Oscar De La Renta Vaporiser because you can’t afford one. Okay, I’ll show myself out.

1. Hoodies:

Everyone loves a hoodie. Chances are you’re wearing one right now. Warm, comfy, familiar; they are the clothing version of hugs. I especially like pullover hoodies with big pockets where I can stash a joint/pipe/lighter. Plus, they come in a million different colors, fabrics, and designs. Hoodies are love, is what I’m saying.

2. Cargo Shorts:

I realize selling queer girls on cargo shorts is like selling them on vagina. Once you get inside one, you realize what you’ve been missing your entire life and the world makes sense again. Cargo shorts get a bad rap, mostly by people who don’t know what pockets are. SO MANY POCKETS. There’s room for a lighter, a spliff, a grinder, a vape pen, your phone, a Cliff bar…the possibilities are endless.

3. Onesies:

Remember when I said that hoodies were like a hug? Well, onesies are like a full body hug from a lovable weirdo who wraps both legs around you. Animal onesies are having a major moment right now. The trend started in Japan, where they are known as kigurumi, or “disguise pajamas.” Costumes AND pajamas? Obviously designed by a stoned person.

4. Accessories:

There are certain fashion accessories that lend themselves to smokers. There is the ubiquitous knit hat, which is a classic stoner look. Also, it is super comfortable and great if your hair is a mess. Sunglasses are a must if you have some post-smoke red eye action happening. Fingerless gloves are great because you won’t set your mittens on fire trying to use a Zippo. It happened to a friend, and it was hilarious/unfortunate. And I may be a major nerd, but I will never apologize for wearing a fanny pack: hands free y’all!

5. Weed Socks!

Going to work/church/family dinner and have to play it straight edge? Let your toes be counter-culture in these weed socks! Just make sure your mom doesn’t find them in dryer, because she will definitely have questions.

What about you, homoganjas? Any favorite smoking outfits? Have you figured out how to smoke naked without injuring your tender parts?

Avatar of Chelsea

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

Chelsea has written 42 articles for us.

15 Comments

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    I love how you refer to “hoodies” as a clothing hug. Here in Saskatchewan we refer to “hoodies” as “bunny hugs” and often get made fun of for doing so from other provinces and countries! That being said, my favourite weed attire is my Grey Vans bunny hug and my RoughRider boxers! Loose and comfy is exactly what I need when I’m higher than a kite!

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    First off check out coralreefer420 on tumblr, she regularly does naked bong hits and dabs, even has pictures to prove it as a bonus. That said I tried it a few times before a shower, and it’s not that hard, and I’m a hairy(relative to most humans), without much issue.

    You could always try a magickwand with your bongs, but then your latched to anywhere near outlets, but I hear they work amazing.

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