Glee Episodes 518 and 519 Recap: You Need a Back Up Plan for Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks

Welcome to the 18th and 19th recaps of the fifth season of Glee, a show about a bunch of teens and their dogs hunting out mysteries in they super cool van.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling gym teacher!

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling gym teacher!

This show is normally recapped by Riese but today will be recapped by me. You might be wondering what all the delay was about. Well, I actually gave up on Glee like eight episodes ago and then when I found out I was recapping these episodes, I had to marathon six episodes before I could get to this here situation. It was not pretty. I have suffered. Sure, I have no suffered nearly as much as my girlfriend who had to sit in the next room hearing episode after episode of Glee, only popping her head out occasion to roll her eyes and ask confused questions about how the hell the cast all ended up in New York.

But here we are. Glee has been watched and I am here to recap. Oh, and these episodes? Not worth it. 518 was okay but 519? Now that was a stinker. Let’s take it from the top.


 

Episode 518: The Back That Ass Up Plan

We open on Rachel Berry who is just like so famous now. Like so famous. Almost as famous as Lea Michelle when she started in Spring Awakening. Almost.

Wahhhhhhh

Wahhhhhhh

Rachel is so famous and perfect she has immediately signed with a talent agency. Rachel’s got big plans for her future including a nice long run with her show followed a hit TV series revival of The Nanny, a movie trilogy based on a YA novel and, if she’s really lucky, a made-for-TV movie on HBO where she does a partial nude scene.

Let me just get this butt plug out of my bag!

Let me just get this butt plug out of my bag!

Unfortunately her agent doesn’t care about such plebeian things like “Creative freedom” or “Career advancement” or “Making money.” He just wants Rachel to do Funny Girl forever. Also he calls her ugly because of her huge nose which is so season two. Also it is really not that big so like whatever.

Excuse me if we're going to be revisiting plot lines from season 2 does that mean the writing is going to get good again? Just wondering.

Excuse me if we’re going to be revisiting plot lines from season two does that mean the writing is going to get good again? Just wondering.


Over at NYAYDADADA Kurt announces to Blaine that June Dolloway (played by the legendary Shirley MacLaine)  is coming to campus! Initially Blaine assume, like I do, that Dune Dolloway must be the original founder of the now closed/relocated lesbian bar The Dalloway but it turns out she’s actually some rich lady who just gallivants around New York throwing money at things. I guess technically she could be both. But regardless Kurt has been asked to sing like a nightingale for Ms. Dolloway and he wants Blaine to sing with him! Kurts like blah blah blah we’re codependent soulmates and I couldn’t possibly just sing alone even though I’m obsessed with having the limelight.”

Wait. The Dalloway is owned by that chick from Tila Tequila?

Wait. The Dalloway is owned by that chick from Tila Tequila?


In some other unspecified neighborhood Mercedes and Santana meet up at Mercedes’s place. It’s unclear if Santana lives there or is just stopping by to use her toilet. Santana is pissed because she’s still working at the diner after quitting Funny Girl for basically no reason and Mercedes is pissed because her producer didn’t think any of the songs on her album were going to make good singles.

I envision your album being sort of a tribute to Ohio

I envision your album being sort of a tribute to Ohio

I know this question should have been posed when Mercedes first came to New York, but didn’t her album already come out and result in her, like, selling them out of her trunk because she wouldn’t let them stick her voice on someone else’s body? Didn’t that happen? Please someone tell me I’m not crazy.

Like what was I even doing yesterday anyways?

Like what was I even doing yesterday anyways?

Anyhoo so Santana and Mercedes decide the best way to fix both of their lives is to have the Millionth annual Diva Off. Just kidding this isn’t high school anymore, thank god, they just decide to like be friends and sing a duet together.


That night Rachel does her usual Funny Girl gig and is just like so totally bored as we fast forward in time the whole week watching her perform the same show night after night. God, isn’t it just the worst when all your dreams come true? Like literally the worst ever to have consistent work in show business in the role you were born to play. Barf.

Your second head is here Ms. Michele

Your second head is here Ms. Michele

Rachel laments a la that Avicci song that I like but my girlfriend hates so we never get to listen to it. Most importantly Rachel does her own makeup as the star of a Broadway show every night. This feels like a stretch. Here watch:

Some night in the arbitrary future, the Dean from Greendale Community College pays Rachel a visit. Do you remember back when Brittani and I used to recap all the good half hour sitcoms including Community? I do because it basically ruined TV for like three months until we threw our hands in the air and decided to only recap shows with gays.

Let's keep our conversation on the Dean low

Let’s keep our conversation on the Dean low

The Dean is actually a producer type and he’s here to tell Rachel how amazing and special she is. He wants her to come to LA to audition for some show on called Song of Solomon. Just to be clear, the show is on FOX because this shit is so meta. Rachel’s all like “Squeeee! I really want to but I’m supposed to be in eight shows a week and I already fired my understudy for being my friend. Opps!”

You know what they say about opportunity: here to-Dean gone tomorrow!

Well you know what they say about opportunity: here to-Dean gone tomorrow!

Rachel asks her producer if she can have the night off to go audition but he’s basically like, “Lol you’re never allowed to leave ever. Move on with your life. You are my pet actress forever”

Is this a real "No" or like saying "No" when actually you're just doing it for fun and you'll use your safe word if you really mean no?

Is this a real “No” or like saying “No” when actually you’re just doing it for fun and you’ll use your safe word if you really mean no?

Later, Rachel decides to just lie to her boss about being sick and take the day off because that always works. You know, she’ll just take the 6am flight out of JFK that gets into LAX at 9am and then audition for the show and catch the 11pm red eye back home to waltz back into New York at 7am the next morning. Good luck with that.

Who even thought that leather mini skirts would go in style?! I mean who even?

Who even thought that leather mini skirts would go back in style?! I mean who even?


At the recording studio Mercedes and Santana are having trouble harmonizing. It’s probably because they’re so distracted by how wrong I was about peplum going out of style.

I mean how do two girls even have sex?!

I mean how do two girls even have sex?!

Instead of sitting down with some sheet music and plotting out parts they decide to instead record in every room of the building. For some reason this entails Santana carry a brick around while the two sing “Doo Wop (That Thing)” by Lauryn Hill, which is an excellent musical situation.

Like, seriously, Santana carries the brick in the elevator.

Annddd everyone jump right as it starts going down!

Annddd everyone jump right as it starts going down!

Santana carries the brick in a gender neutral bathroom.

Weeeeeee all deserve equal access to amenities and the right to use the bathroom in peace without harassmeeeenntttt

Weeeeeee all deserve equal access to amenities and the right to use the bathroom in peace without harassmeeeenntttt

Santana carries the brick down a random hallway.

Anddddd this is how I would cat walk were I ever to get faaaamoussss

Anddddd this is how I prove that peplup is still cooooool

Finally, Santana carries the brick to a basement that supposedly has good acoustics but I think we all know would more realistically smell like leftover eggs.

And I carried this brick the whole time!

And I carried this brick the whole damn time!

Before I get barraged with comments, yes, I know it’s a speaker. Here’s the performance, which is the best part of this episode:


Across town Blaine and Kurt perform at NYADADADDAD and they do that thing where they sing together and everyone in the audience thinks Blaine is sexy and Kurt is meh.

I’m pretty sure we did this during season two also.

Debonair

Debonair

Debon-don't

Debon-don’t

After the song the two present themselves to June Dolloway in hopes that she will take them on as her latest project and make them rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. June is just so totally into Blaine and it’s definitely definitely definitely not creepy at all.

One of you lucky boys gets to come home with me.

One of you lucky boys gets to come home with me.

That night June takes Blaine as her date to a fundraiser she’s throwing where it is, again,  definitely definitely definitely not weird at all. The two decide that people aren’t donating enough money so June and Blaine pop up and just randomly sing “Piece of My Heart” by Erma Franklin and later recorded by Janis Joplin. I would say this is unrealistic and impossible except I actually saw Kylie Minogue do it once at the New York GLAAD Awards.


The next morning Santana and Mercedes head back into the recording studio. Even though the two just made sweet sweet metaphorical and literal music together, Mercedes’s producer is so not interested in a duet. I mean, c’mon, there’s no way that a duet has any place on a debut album. No place whatsoever.

Sorry, I just don't possibly see how we could have two women on this album

Sorry, I just don’t possibly see how we could have two women on this album

The producer says that if Mercedes really wants to do a duet she can do it with Katy Perry. Ew. Upon realizing she won’t be on Mercedes’s album, Santana has a totally out of character moment and says she’s “Just not worth it.”

This is why we can't have nice plot lines

This is why we can’t have nice plot lines


Off in LA Rachel goes to her very first TV audition! What do you do at an audition? Duh! You sing a Bette Midler song because that is definitely going to make you sing young and hip. Nothing, and I mean nothing gets the kids going like Bette.

Now even though Ms. Rachel Berry has probably gone to hundreds of auditions, she fucks this one up! Why? Because it’s not a musical show, it’s a science fiction drama that will probably be a mid-season replacement that gathers tons of devoted nerd fans but ultimately gets canceled too soon.

Seems to me like your dick is too small

Seems to me like your dick is too small

Also she didn’t read the script which is like audition rule #1. C’mon Berry!

Lesbian's First Kiss With A Dude

Lesbian’s First Kiss With A Dude

Upon leaving her terrible audition, Rachel is mortified to find that she has 15 missed calls! Looks like her understudy fell off the stage and now everything is ruined. Do you hear that? Everything! (Sidenote she would have more than one understudy, and there would also be a “swing” person who is able to play any role in the show at a moment’s notice)

Obi Aan Kenobi you're our only hope!

Obi Aan Kenobi you’re our only hope!

Sidney tells Rachel she needs to be back by 7:30pm which is never going to work because even if she took the Delta nonstop flight from LAX leaving at 11:10am with the 3 hour time change she wouldn’t get into NYC until 7:40pm and she would have had to be at LAX by 9am, which was before her audition even started!

Can you guys tell I’ve spent a lot of time looking at direct flights to LAX for A-Camp?

Get me to A-Camp!

Get me to A-Camp!

Nevertheless Rachel hops in a cab and tells him to take her directly to the airport or, better yet, the secret portal she and her friends used for the last season to bounce between Ohio and NYC.

In a panic Rachel calls Kurt. He says Rachel should just ‘fess up, but I think we all know that the best cure for lying is more lying!

Rachel if your gum is getting stale just take it out already!

Rachel if your gum is getting stale just take it out already!


While Rachel has a panic attack about her future, Blaine discusses his future with that rich lady. She decides she’s going to throw a concert for Blaine starring Blaine because why attend charity events or meet with financial investors or just bath in a hot tub full of gold coins when you can shower a 19 year old gay boy from Ohio with money, attention and opportunity. Ryan Murphy: don’t think I don’t see that this is all some weird fantasy of yours.

I've been doing the shocker like this the whole time

I’ve been doing the shocker like this the whole time

Most importantly Ms. Dolloway says to ditch Kurt.


Across town Mercedes meets up with Santana at the Spotlight Marching Band Diner.

The local lesbian in her natural habitat

The local lesbian in her natural habitat

Mercedes tells Santana that even though she’s the worst friend ever she’s actually the best friend ever and that niceness is a social construct. This actually means that somehow Mercedes has a contract for Santana which would be totally amazing if either of them appeared to have lawyers or even just other adults supporting them and actually looking out for their best interests.

And if you suck you'll just make me look better

And if you suck you’ll just make me look better

Santana sits down to sign the contract just at Kurt busts in the joint. He tells that that Rachel is in trouble and can’t make the show. So what are the Scoobies gonna do? Are they going to hold an impromptu benefit celebrating all actresses who’ve ever lied in the pursuit of success?

Hitachi under the table

Hitachi under the table

Nope! Santana is just going to step right in as her understudy!

I'm back bitches. And I know everything --A

I’m back bitches. And I know everything –A

Even though Rachel is a soprano and Santana is a mezzo-soprano and Santana dropped out of the show before the show was entirely restaged  after they workshopped it in upstate New York this seams like a reasonable solution to everyone and the show goes off without a hitch.

Though, for the record, I cannot fathom why Santana doesn’t wear Rachel’s Fanny wig.


The next night Santana and Rachel have dinner. Rachel wants to know what Santana wants in return and Santana wants some of Rachel’s famous vegan meatballs.

I just want you to buy me a ticket to A-Camp

I just want you to buy me a ticket to A-Camp

Santana tells Rachel she’s decided to use her “Bitch Powers” for good instead of evil. I have no idea what “Bitch Powers” have to do with successfully BSing your way through an entire Broadway performance but, whatever, I’m impressed.

How many balls do you want?

How many balls do you want?


An hour and a half away in Manhattan at Samblades’s house, Blaine and Kurt sit down to a huge bowl of popcorn.  Kurt and Blaine discuss Blaine’s new Harold and Maude situation. Instead of just telling Kurt that June is helping him arrange a concert and isn’t that exciting, Blaine lies that he’s getting Kurt a performance in the show too! They are literally the worst at communicating. The worst.

Did you know you can just take corn and heat it up and make pop corn? It's crazy!

Did you know you can just take corn and heat it up and make pop corn? It’s crazy!


The next morning Rachel goes into Sidney’s office to inevitably get fired. If you’ve never had a See Me In The Morning meeting, it’s basically the worst.

Hello sir I'm here for my Sweatered Tennis Players of American meeting.

Hello sir I’m here for my Sweatered Tennis Players of American meeting.

Sidney tells Rachel he really really wants to fire her. Like he’d like to destroy all future prospects at a career for her. Butttt they’re not going to fire her because where on earth would they even find a Jewish theater girl in New York to replace her. Where even?

We'd fire you if anyone else could play Rachel Berry — uh — I mean Fanny

We’d fire you if anyone else could play Rachel Berry — uh — I mean Fanny

After her terrible meeting Rachel goes outside to cry for a little. Rachel gets a call from the Greendale Community College Dean Slash Fox Network Executive and he tells her she didn’t get the part. Other girls were just so much better.

I just need to vomit next to this wall and then I'll be fine.

I just need to vomit next to this wall and then I can go back into the party

So that’s that right? Wrong. Just when you thought maybe this show had a secret underlying message about responsibility and lying and maybe even the importance of enjoying your achievements in life before ruthlessly continuing to climb up that ladder, the Dean offers her a contract to develop a show in New York City completely based on her, Rachel Berry. This shit is so fucking meta.

And we can call the show Glee based on my high school glee club!

And we can call the show Glee based on my high school glee club!

The Santana and Brittany scissored for the last 5 minutes of the episode. Just kidding it just ended. Wheee let’s do the next episode.


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Avatar of Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 273 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Thumb up 6

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    Lizz, firstly I want to thank you for recapping Glee so I didn’t have to (and could recap Faking It instead), you are a lifesaver. While watching Episode 518, I thought to myself “oh thank jesus i don’t have to recap this situation” on more than one occasion. you are doing the lord’s work.

    Secondly this recap was hilarious, I lol’ed on several occasions. I feel like they have completely given up on doing any lesbian things for Santana. They still haven’t even addressed who she was on vacation with, what happened to Dani, or if she’s still dating Brittany!

    Also the doo-wop cover was fucking awesome.

    • Thumb up 2

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      I was worried when I didn’t see your Glee recaps here for the last two weeks! But I figured you were just really busy, and I had faith that you would have everything taken care of eventually.

      They haven’t been doing much of anything for Santana in terms of actual consistent character development anymore. They just use her character whenever the situation is convenient or helps them with some other plotline. I’m glad that at least Chris wrote a line in his episode that spent a few seconds trying to explain where Dani has been (her roller derby team won the state championship) – and his reason even made some sense for her character!

  2. Thumb up 3

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    Yeah, these episodes were not as good as the previous ones. What the hell does Santana even DO now? Everything? Nothing? I give up. And also, the complete 180o from Kurt being swooned over and uber-hunky to now going back to Blaine being #1 stud and Kurt being too effeminate for sex appeal was really badly arranged.

    Sidestory: I posted on my FB: “Ohmyfuckinggod Glee did Lauryn Hill!” and I got a sternly worded email from my mom because she doesn’t like that I used the F-word alongside “god”. LOLOLOL OKAY MOM, FREAK OUT ABOUT THE LOWER-CASE SYNONYM FOR DEITY BUT NO OUTRAGE TOWARDS THE RAMPANT MISOGYNY AND RACISM I POST ABOUT CONSTANTLY?? Cool story.

    (I love my mother a lot and I recognize that she isn’t as progressive as I am but come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn way to pick your battles/shutdown meaningful conversation about what’s *actually* important in my life)

    • Thumb up 0

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      Exactly, I completely agree with all of this!

      Santana does everything AND nothing. This is the problem. Nothing is specific to her.

      I thought 518 was good, though 519 was a bit hit and miss for me. But Glee definitely seems to be moving back in the direction of “not as surprisingly awesome as it has been recently”.

      And that sidestory sounds really frustrating and sucky for you. Here is a hug and appreciation for raising awareness about misogyny and racism and all of the awful things! :)

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        Thanks for the hug and appreciation. I should recognize the good things about my mom in terms of responding to me coming out and stuff, but she’s never consistent about responding to things in my life so I feel like she only knows 40% of me (school and my boring daily life) because she just rolls her eyes or doesn’t agree/understand with the rest. BLAH HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY RIGHT

  3. Thumb up 1

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    Autostraddle, I’m disappointed in you.

    I get wanting to be critical and I most definitely understand sarcasm and dry humour. But what is the point in recapping a show only to open by saying you hate watching it and that it’s basically crap? Believe it or not, the people who are still watching Glee probably still enjoy it, good times and bad. I love coming to Autostraddle to read about news and reviews and recaps, but this recap was horrible. I really don’t want to read any recap for any show or episode, regardless of whether I love it or hate it, and have it thrown in my face that watching the show was some incredible burden. Why bother?

    I would rather read a recap from someone who likes the show most of the time, likes the characters, and doesn’t shit on every aspect that isn’t the female actresses’ physical appearance. This isn’t just about Glee. I’ve seen this in a lot of recaps for other shows. This was just the most glaring example.

    I’m disappointed in you, Autostraddle, for publishing this. Find someone who is more impartial to write your recaps or at least find someone who can pretend to be.

    • Thumb up 8

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      I don’t want to be rude but I’m in awe that any queer person still enjoys glee at all. I’ve been in the fandom since the beginning and I can’t stand it anymore. I love that someone has the balls to call out glee on their bullshit tbh. Also why would you have to be impartial to write recaps? What I like the most about Autostraddle is exactly the opposite, they’re not a news impartial site, they have an opinion and stand by it. So I just want to give love to Riese and Lizz for continuing recapping a show almost no one gives a shit about just because there’s still some of us who (sadly) can’t quit glee.

      • Thumb up 1

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        thanks, globika!

        and yeah… i mean, i don’t know a single living soul who still likes glee — which is why i wasn’t even our first glee recapper… i am in fact the fourth writer to pick up that torch, because if there’s something nobody else wants to do, either i do it or it’s not done! and i’ve been grateful when lizz has been able to fill in for me when i didn’t have the time. so if we had to only pick from recappers who liked the show to recap it, we wouldn’t be recapping it at all!

        • Thumb up 2

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          “i mean, i don’t know a single living soul who still likes glee”

          “So I just want to give love to Riese and Lizz for continuing recapping a show almost no one gives a shit about just because there’s still some of us who (sadly) can’t quit glee.”

          That has to be one of the most bullshit statements I have ever read in my life. Seriously? All you have to do is look at the fandom (on Tumblr or wherever else) and find thousands of people (many of them members of the LGBTQPIA community!) who still watch Glee and still enjoy it most of the time. It’s really not hard at all to find thousands of people of all genders, sexualities, and ages who love the show, are critical of it, and are perfectly able to call it out when it says something offensive.

          Every show has fans. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between.

          You’re seriously using the excuse that since “nobody” likes it anyway that you should just give sloppy recaps full of over-exaggerated hate, when Glee very obviously still has fans. If truly everyone on your writing team hates the show with a burning passion, then find someone who doesn’t mind writing the recaps. What you’re presenting here is the terribly sloppy and I had a lot of respect for Autostraddle before I started reading their Glee recaps.

          I’m not saying that everyone has to like the show. Obviously. There are shows I really cannot stand that have queer female characters that a lot of my queer friends like and I don’t get it so I just nod my head and don’t feel the need to interject about what a piece of shit I find their show to be.

          Being critical of the show and calling it out on its bullshit (which I very easily say has been a lot of it) is very different than starting a recap by saying “Wow I hate this show and it’s a piece of shit so here I go having to write a recap for it ugh I hate my life and everything about this”.

          Don’t use excuses because I’m not interested in hearing about how “nobody” likes the show when it’s very obvious that that is untrue.

        • Thumb up 5

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          ok that was me being hyperbolic, but also, maybe just unclear? i know that there are many living souls who still love glee. i just don’t personally know any living souls who write here who love glee. sorry if my phrasing was confusing.

          don’t get me wrong, i still enjoy an episode here and there, and I still like 75% of the musical numbers, too. i like the fact that the show is in new york now, that the characters are finally growing up, that mercedes is finally getting some screen time, and also there have been some really great moments this year! but 518 and 519, in my opinion, were super mehhhhh.

          but also i won’t apologize for souring on a show that has sidelined their lesbian character like glee has.

          i also feel like there is a misconception of what my life is like… i work 80 hrs a week for this website, i’m usually on the verge of a mental breakdown, i spend most of my waking hours fighting for the money we need to stay alive, and we have so many things that need to get done around here, finding a recapper who likes glee more than we do is not high on that list of things that need to get done. :-/

          i’m sorry that you didn’t like this recap, maybe you will like past or future ones better.

    • Thumb up 7

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      Hey I was just walking by and overhead how much you hated my recap!

      I’m sorry you didn’t like this recap, maybe you’ll like the next one better.

      I actually love Glee and enjoy watching this show like 80% of the time. That’s probably more than I like watching a lot of sitcoms that I keep up with just because, you know they’re on. The reason I stopped watching and got behind wasn’t because I decided I hated the show, but actually because I spent 6 weeks studying for my medical boards. I know you probably don’t know this because we’ve never met, but I’m actually a med student who works a billion hours per week. It’s okay, I forgot to tell you that part. After watching all of these episodes leading up to the Big New York Changeover I was expecting more. I just thought these two episodes were not so great.

      I actually mostly just think we deserve better from Glee! Like to hear songs from Peter Pan which I love instead of a shrill version of Lucky Star. Or to have it revealed that Santana is actually dating Dani and Brittany at the same time only to have Dani inevitably bust her with Brittany and — just when you think Brittany and Santana will be together — Santana tries to win Dani back by singing Truly Madly Deeply. That would be just awesome.

      And sometimes it’s fun to use over-exaggeration to make jokes and get points across. Do I actually think Kurt looks like a Ken Doll in all those neckerchiefs? Of course not! He has movable elbows and knees.

      • Thumb up 0

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        Hey, Lizz (and to Riese as well).

        I apologize if I came across as unnecessarily harsh. Tone does not translate well online and I really should be more mindful of this. I do sincerely apologize for any trouble I have caused.

        I in no way meant to suggest that these recaps are of the utmost important part of this website, nor did I ever, ever mean to suggest that you do not work hard to keep this website up to par or in your jobs/life commitments as well. I found Autostraddle through dumb luck and it has really been an amazing place for me to learn new things, laugh, get recommendations, meet new people, and gain perspective on the lives of queer women. As a relatively young gay woman who has yet to really find her place in this world, Autostraddle has been an amazing resource. I just want you to know that however I may have sounded in my comment, I really do love Autostraddle and I really do appreciate all of the work that is done for it.

        I very sincerely apologize for any and all words I sad that were hurtful or bitchy.

        Coralee

  4. Thumb up 0

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    What a coincidence, Lizz! The Back Up Plan (518) aired the day before my 22nd birthday! So, Happy Belated Birthday from one fellow Taurus to another! I was also hoping Glee would give me a birthday gift of lesbian sex. Instead I got the news that Naya Rivera was being written out of the season finale that Heather Morris was guest-starring in. :(

  5. Thumb up 0

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    Thanks so much for recapping Glee. There was a brief period of time when I enjoyed the show, but that time has passed. Now I just really want to know when there’s anything happening with Santana’s love life.

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