Glee 404 Recap: Break-Up My Lesbian Heart

This week’s episode of Glee wasn’t all about how some B-list gleester was going to turn the beat around and feel the percussion while pursuing some high school dream and finding themself in the process. No. This week’s episode was all about long distance relationships falling apart!

Wait… didn’t Riese have this idea just the other week? Unfortunately Riese’s set list would have been 100% better.

Perhaps this isn’t the best time for me to recap an episode all about long distance relationships and the inevitable breakups that ensue. I’m sitting here ten weeks into my brand new life at med school. Ten weeks of wondering when I’ll start counting in months. Ten weeks of starting over. Ten weeks of watching my and everyone around me’s relationships crumble beneath the med school fist. Ryan Murphy just knew college was far enough in to make this episode hurt. Brava Glee. Brava.

Just for context, here is the email I sent to the team before the episode was even over

SO THIS IS WHERE WE’RE AT.

We open on the star-studded, whimsical, over-zealous, bully-ridden halls of McKinley High to two of the new characters who I still couldn’t care less about. C’mon writers. Jake is still a lame diluted version of Puck and Marley’s personality still has the fizzle of the Whole Foods brand knock-off of San Pellegrino that’s been sitting in my room for a week.

LIGHTLY CARBONATED

Nearby, Brittany and Blaine cry alone in the dark about how their lovers are far far away in exciting places doing exciting things.

THE THINKER

But what about Rachel’s lover? Wasn’t he supposed to be off serving the country and maybe becoming a character I don’t loath? Nope, he just showed up at Rachel’s door. Starsweep to that New York City Tangential door where Finn explains what the fuck he’s doing in New York City Tangential.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW RACHEL GOT IN THIS POSTION

Turns out the Army doesn’t take Mr. Potato Heads. Also he shot himself in the thigh accidentally on day 16 of basic training. Which is actually pretty impressive because I’m pretty sure soldiers don’t even get bullets until week four.

ITS SO CRAZY HOW MUCH BARRACKS LOOK LIKE SOUND STAGES THESE DAYS.

Since his discharge, and apparently instant gunshot wound recovery despite having hit a major artery, Potato Head had just been backpacking across Georgia for four months. I think that is code for dicking off in Hotlanta, since it only takes about 9 hours to get across Georgia. Also, I think it’s a little silly he didn’t even bother popping over to Charleston, South Carolina or Jacksonville, Florida. But then again, who am I to say what a potato enjoys for a road trip.

YOU DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO GET DOWN TO DISNEY AND PICK ME UP SOME MINNIE MOUSE EARS?

Rachel appropriately flips a shit at Finn about not speaking to her the whole time, but then rolls over like a puppy and invites him to follow her to all of her classes all week. It is truly painful to think about.

IMAGINE THE PUSSY HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IF HE’D ACTUALLY SERVED OUR COUNTRY

Meanwhile, back in Lima, Santana is back! Huzzah!

ROCKABILLY BABY

She’s home to break the world record for largest pile of laundry. Santana is wicked cute about it and admits she’s not doing laundry at school so she knows she’ll always have to come home every few weeks and see Brittany. She’s also chosen this moment to dress all housewifey. So obviously I generally approve of the situation. The two then proceed to have the most chaste kiss of all time, just to remind the audience that lesbians don’t have hot make-out sessions, they just give each other butterfly kisses.

YES PLEASE FOREVER

Brit-Brit is also super sleepy because she’s been up reading Desecration: Antichrist Takes the Throne, part of the Left Behind series, which is apparently about the Christian End Times and the rise of the Antichrist. I was fully prepared to have Intern Grace make a hilarious mock-up of this obviously faux book series until I found out these are actually a real thing. So basically Brittany is in this super-Christian End of Days Book Club thing that’s being run by Kitty aka New Quinn.

PROPHETIC END OF THE WORLD CHRISTIANITY MAKES ME SLEEPY TOO

Flash through time and space to McKinley where Blaine gets a call from his Fashion Intern Boyfriend!

PHOTO FROM MARIE CLAIRE’S WINTER FORMAL ISSUE

Unfortunately just as he calls, Kurt gets pulled away on business. And it’s really hard for Blaine. But for me, because I’m a selfish brat, it’s just as hard to see Kurt’s confliction. To see how much it upsets Kurt to upset Blaine, while it simultaneously makes him furious that he has to balance his high school boyfriend with his big new life.

IS IT TWO FACES OR A VASE?

Kurt: Look, I know this is frustrating, it’s frustrating for me too. I don’t want to miss our phone dates, but, you know, this could be a career for me.
Blaine: I get that, I do, I really get it… I… I really miss you. A lot. Okay? I miss talking with you and I miss hugging you and I miss having awkward high school gay sex with you.

SOUTH COAST BOUTIQUE IS HAVING A FIRE SALE?!

Funny, you would think Kurt would be able to keep in touch with Blaine by writing him epically long letters during his two hours commute to work. For his part, Blaine is wearing a shirt from J. Crew that I totally own. I just wanted to throw that out there.

THAT BUNNY NEEDS A PET BETWEEN THE EARS

Meanwhile, Finn follows Rachel around school lamenting that he is a potato and there is no place for potatoes at art school. Except perhaps in a interpretive video piece zoomed in on your hands peeling potatoes in order to represent your Irish heritage. Just for example.

SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT HE’S NOT TALENTED ENOUGH TO BE ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE

Blaine and Finn sing “Barely Breathing” together, which I love because that song was my fucking jam in the 4th grade. While Finn stares at how amazingly better than him Rachel is, Blaine pokes some guy on Grindr. At least I think he pokes him… I’m not really sure how Grindr works.

COULDN’T ACTUALLY GET THE RIGHTS TO USE “GRINDR”

Me: Um. Do you know how Grindr works?
Carmen: hahah. I think you put up your pic and then men in your area tell you to come over. And you are like ~yes ok. And they are like ~you are so hot. And then they fuck you and give you jobs!!

Back over in the middle of nowhere loft, Rachel, Finn and Kurt prepare for a night out at Callbacks, the local bar that all the NYADAADADDADADA students go and sing at on Fridays. And by local I mean all the way across the city. Finn is appalled to discover that in NYC you’re supposed to get dressed up and pay a $20 cover just to go and buy $15 drinks.

DOES THESE MAKE ME LOOK FAT? MY SKINNY RED PANTS ARE AT THE DRY CLEANERS.

And while I was pretty appalled to discovered the same thing, Rachel and Kurt are completely unable to identify the very basic signs of depression in their boyfriend/step-brother. Like his obvious feelings of worthlessness and/or helplessness. Or how about his difficulty making decisions and being pessimistic. How about the big red sign that flashes on his forehead that says “Loss of Interest in Activities Once Enjoyed” when Finn mentions he hasn’t sung since Nationals. Or, of course, his chronic diarrhea. You think they would have noticed that.

IT’S NOT BIG DEAL YOU GUYS. YOU GO OUT TO THE PIANO BAR AND HAVE FUN AND I’LL WANDER THE STREETS SINGING ALONE TO MYSELF

And then Blaine shows up!

GAY KISSING IS FOR LOVERS. WELL I MEAN, GAY LOVERS.

So the quatro (the quad?) roll up to the oh-so-classy piano bar, Callbacks. There’s no mention of fake IDs or how the hell they got in, assumingly because an index card that said, “These four kids are 21″ would probably be sufficient ID to get them into any bar in New York. Rachel orders a virgin amaretto sour. At this point I’m seriously considering making myself a non-virgin amaretto sour, and then pouring it down the drain after one and switching to Jack. Just a thought.

LOOK HOW EXCITED BLAINE IS TO BE HERE.

Brody rocks up all hip and completely boring so he and Finn can awkwardly meet. Seeing Rachel with Finn in tow just makes me think of all those girls I knew freshman year who would drag their high school boyfriends to campus parties just to ignore them all night and come out when they were juniors.

OH YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. WE’RE LIKE, SUPER, IN LOVE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT I THINK.

Rachel really wants to sing with Finn, but in Finn’s most passive aggressive moment ever he insists that Rachel sing it with Brody. Just kidding, there’s no way that was Finn’s most passive aggressive moment.

OH THIS IS THE COMPETITION?

Rachel and Brody hop on stage and sing Demi Lovato’s song with that nifty giving your heart a break wordplay situation. It’s one of those awkward moments when Lea Michel sings a song 100% better than the original artist. Finn pouts the whole time like he didn’t just tell Rachel to do it. I’d like to pretend that Finn’s totally constipated look is from the realization that he needs to let Rachel fly free like a butterfly. Except, um, didn’t he already figure that out at the end of last season? Am I dumb for thinking that was the breakup episode?

SHOWING OFF HER BLOW JOB TECHNIQUE

Let the record show that Rachel looks awesome in that white blazer with shorts.

Blaine then proceeds to do a Damian Rice version of Teenage Dream. For the record, the lyrics seem way more sexxxxx relating when you sing them slowly. Oh right also Blaine starts crying and just repeats the chorus over and over.

IT’S THE WRONG KIND OF PLACE TO BE THINKING OF YOU

But Darren Criss absolutely sells it and for two minutes and 28 seconds I had the terrible awful no good feeling that I was actually watching a 17-year-old kid train-wreck style embarrass himself in front of all of his boyfriend’s friends. It was a long two minutes and 28 seconds.

THIS WOULD BE 100% MORE ACCURATE IF BRODY WAS MAKING A WTF FACE.

As they walk home, the couples pair off to talk about All The Feelings. Finn hounds Rachel about how he doesn’t fit into her life and voila manifest destiny she admits she and Brody kissed. Finn is not pleased. Doesn’t Rachel know that he gets to leave for four months without a word and pretending to be the army, that his little woman is just supposed to hang around her apartment, chaste, washing her hair every night?

I KNOW THAT IT’S JUST THE LIGHTING, BUT ALL I CAN THINK OF IS WHEN RACHEL BERRY DRESSED UP AS SANDY AND PUT ALL THAT CLOWN MAKEUP ON.

At just exactly the same moment, Kurt confronts Blaine about his uncomfortable on-stage feelings explosion. Blaine admits to having “been with someone.” In the biblical sense. And poor Kurt looks like someone stabbed him with his favorite oversized hippo broach right in the heart. Blaine explains that this is really all Kurt’s fault for not being there. For being the horrible bad guy who wanted more from his life than the same town he’d been living in for years. The bad guy who forced Blaine to follow his dick to the nearest dick for some feelings-free Grindr man action.

IS ACTUALLY TECHNICALLY CHECKING OUT ANOTHER GUY FROM GRINDR RIGHT NOW.

Blaine: What matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around and you weren’t there…. and I was lonely. And I’m… really sorry.
Kurt: You don’t think that I’ve been lonely? You don’t think that I’ve had temptations to get some lovin’ down at the Metropolitan? To get my Grindr sex on?!

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE NOW YOU’VE GOT ME ALL WORKED UP AND SWEATING. AND YOU KNOW MY HAIR GEL IS WATER SOLUBLE!

But you can see why Blaine would be interested in this. The Grindr sex, that is. I mean, how is a young man with raging hormones supposed to say no to that? I mean, those teen gays, they are just hormone deviants who can’t keep it in their pants. Not like those docile lesbians who just fold laundry and link pinkies and kiss from four feet away from each other.

IN WHICH MY HEART BREAKS FOR KURT

If you couldn’t already tell, I think there is something problematic going on here in the difference between the way the lesbian and gay couples are being presented.

So yeah. Everyone fessed up to their cheating and everyone blamed each other.

And then they sang “Don’t Speak”. Because they are a bunch of middle school students in 1999. Finn sings lead and it is literally the most tragic of all tragic kingdoms.

IS DIARRHEA KEEPING YOU UP AT NIGHT? HEY PEPTO-BISMOL!

We conclude with Finn sneaking out in the morning. How fucking mature.

NOT WORTH MY TIME TO CREATE A CAPTION

Ugh let’s take a page break.

Pages: 1 2 See entire article on one page

Profile photo of Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 274 articles for us.

57 Comments

    • Thumb up 1

      Please log in to vote

      I love that blog!

      See, I always wanted to read the Left Behind books just out of morbid curiosity (my dad is a pastor and even though his church is liberal and totally dismisses that “end times” bullshit, there’s always that one weirdo in the congregation who feels the need to donate the entire LB series to the church library). And so when I found that blog I was like “Yay! I don’t have to!” And the more I read it the more I’m glad because god they sound awful. Like, Twilight books would be Nobel Prize contenders by comparison.

      I think my favorite was when he mentioned the “inspirational” speech the Anti-Christ/UN Secretary General dude gave that was basically just reciting every single country that was in the UN. WTF.

      • Thumb up 0

        Please log in to vote

        Yeah, that’s my feeling about it, too. I can’t justify the time and effort to read shitty books just to satisfy my morbid curiosity, when there are so many non-shitty books out there to read. But I can read the blog and get most of the books’ content along with educational commentary on the books, the authors, and the kind of people who believe this shit. Everybody wins. Well, except for the authors of the Left Behind series, who don’t deserve to win anything except possibly a large box in which to bury anything they write in the future so nobody ever has to read it.

    • Thumb up 1

      Please log in to vote

      Or Quinn?

      But seriously it’s also like, they’re trying to set up Sam with Brittany (I think) and it’s like he completely forgot that he has his own girlfriend in LA. (I think they’re officially together? I don’t know? I haven’t watched this show regularly in a while.)

  1. Thumb up 6

    Please log in to vote

    when i was in middle school or something, i accidentally checked out one of those left behind books from the library and was super confused but read the entire thing. my mom was really afraid i’d become a born again christian at 11.

  2. Thumb up 5

    Please log in to vote

    While I’m happy Rachel and Finn are no longer together, I feel a net loss since Finn seems to be back for the long term and I all I want is for him to just go away! He’s like a chronic migraine, or seasonal allergies all year long.

    God, I hope his new sad-sack role puts a cork in the mansplaining. I hope, but I don’t expect.

    • Thumb up 2

      Please log in to vote

      ugh but his sad sack role right now is like “rachel why you gotta be so successful while I’m a big nothing”

      And while I hate Finn, I think this is behavior is out-of-character for him. He was always very proud of Rachel’s successes even when he looked like the zero he was by comparison.

  3. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    I did put this on twitter, but I feel as though I should repeat it here. I really, really hate the way recaps on here always refer to Finn as either a sack of potatoes or Mr. Potato Head. It’s fine to dislike a character, and it’s fine to make jokes, but the constant jokes about his appearance don’t settle well with me and I don’t imagine they contribute to anyone’s confidence who maybe already worries about their body and their appearance. I love Autostraddle recaps, but those comments are seriously making me want to turn away.

  4. Thumb up 14

    Please log in to vote

    Ok how exactly do you tell someone you’re “letting them go” or “setting them free” or wtfever Finn said to Rachel in the season 3 finale and not speak to them for months and then act like they’re “cheating” when they come to the very understandable conclusion that it’s time to move on and cuddle with other people?

    Seriously, Finn fails at relationships even for a character that is supposed to be 18 years old.

  5. Thumb up 5

    Please log in to vote

    That is basically how grindr works, pretty much.

    Unless you enjoy putting fake beefcake pictures up there and trolling your gay boy friends, in which case, instead of going to their house for sexytimes, you take screenshots of your friends attempts at sexy talk and tease them endlessly about it later.

  6. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Sorry, but Demi Lovato sang her song 100% better than Lea Michelle and what’s his face. I was so excited when they said they were going to cover Give Your Heart a Break but they totally massacred the song. :/

  7. Thumb up 3

    Please log in to vote

    Although it’d be great if santana started banging away collegiate style, the truth is they couldn’t even have her show any physical affection for someone she was in an actual relationship with, so I doubt she’s going to be having hot makeout sessions with any new strangers. So, now we can look forward to absolutley no lesbian anything on glee. Which I think defeats the purpose for many of us.

    I can’t even think about their stupid horrible kisses during this episode. Are these actors that homophobic? What’s the deal?

    Someone explain this to me in a positive light so I can stop feeling like shit about it.

    • Thumb up 3

      Please log in to vote

      I really don’t think the lack of physical intimacy/lady sexytimes is because of the actors being squeamish about kissing girls; the writing/directing is more likely the root cause of this.
      Consider that in ultra right-wing conservative “family first and the good lawd help us, for the gayz are SCARY/LUSTY/EVIL” land, girl+girl, boy+boy, gender nonconforming being+kitten hand-holding is tantamount to hardcore hetero pornography and must not be seen or mentioned EVAR! Think of the children!
      (Hyperbole, but still.)

      • Thumb up 0

        Please log in to vote

        i get what you’re saying, and that’s also true. believe me, i know, we’ve been subjected to it since the first season. but it is obvious that there is more to it.
        take for example, kurt and blaine, who had no trouble displaying a “normal” physical interaction (kiss), this past episode. while santana leans in from across the room with an unconvincing duck face. so i think it does mostly come to down to the actor’s choice.

    • Thumb up 0

      Please log in to vote

      Actually, it is down to the actresses. HeMo and Naya said in an interview that it’s their choice how long they kiss for, and how often. People really need to do their research, it’s embarrassing how many of these comments are completely retarded.

    • Thumb up 1

      Please log in to vote

      I think it’s the actors. I think Naya is okay with it, but I remember reading somewhere that Heather Morris was less comfortable with it.

      Also, we have to remember these actresses are extremely close to one another. BFFL status and for one, it’s her first big acting role (Heather.) Maybe they haven’t figured out a way to play their lesbian roles without it affecting their IRL relationship? I don’t know.

      I have an idea. Just get Shay Mitchell to be the hot girl Santana meets when she finally takes her abuela’s money and moves to NYC. That way you have two actors with a willingness to make out big time on screen. Shay Mitchell has proven herself a goddess in that regard lol.

      • Thumb up 0

        Please log in to vote

        if shay mitchell and naya rivera were making out in character.. I don’t know what I would do with myself. I would keel over and die from over-saturation of pure awesomeness. Dream pairing

  8. Thumb up 6

    Please log in to vote

    Your recaps are excellent and so, so hilarious. LOLed at “But then again, who am I to say what a potato enjoys for a road trip.”

    And yes, there’s definitely a lot of fucked-up shit underlying the difference in portrayal of gay males and gay females in this ep (and all eps of everything ryan murphy has ever written ever, let’s be real), but I’ve spent such a ridiculous amount of time analyzing and critiquing this show, I just can’t anymore.

  9. Thumb up 3

    Please log in to vote

    Super unpopular opinion:

    I never really liked Brittana.

    I know I am probably one of five lesbians in the world that felt that way, but I just. Never liked it that much. Maybe I couldn’t relate to it because I wasn’t what exactly popular or socially competent or date-worthy in high school so I never had a high school romance, maybe I felt like Santana was manipulating Brittany too much early on and refused to move on from that, I don’t really know, but it just never worked in my head.

    Weirdly… their break-up, which I thought was the best one, kind of made me like it. Don’t know what that says about me.

    • Thumb up 4

      Please log in to vote

      Me neither. Their relationship has always felt like contrived fanservice to me. And I always felt like Quinn was originally written to be the repressed lesbian, and that her and Rachel have far better chemistry. But, you know. Lesbian quota and all.

    • Thumb up 0

      Please log in to vote

      I agree completely!! I love Santana and I enjoyed following a lesbian relationship story line but Brittany?!? She is so clueless and gullible and naive and it all just seems like she randomly ended up in this relationship with Santana. I think this is why she never had a big coming out story line and why I’m not even surprised that they’re pushing her towards Sam. I NEVER felt like she was an equal match for Santana. I feel like they were best friends and Santana was into her and Brittany was just a sparkly happy emotional little unicorn that went with it because, sure, why not?

      Santana needs to get a hot college girlfriend that is an equal match for her. And she needs to be on the show more!! I am surprised at how much I like the New York parts of the show… Santana and Quinn should probably move there and get an apartment or something. ;)

    • Thumb up 0

      Please log in to vote

      I agree, other than it being the only lesbian action we get on the show. Mostly because Santana was intelligent and cunning, and I couldn’t see someone with her personality being actually happy with someone with Brittany’s personality. Like was said – it seemed like a contrivance. It was believable when it was Santana fooling around figuring herself out, but their love story…eh. Especially since they’re only allowed to have friendly half-kisses on screen.

  10. Thumb up 2

    Please log in to vote

    I knew a ton of people who loved those Left Behind books. I am SO GLAD Rachel is going to move on up, but I’m so sad about Britana. The only right spot of this episode for me was when when Santana said she was pretty sure the other girl was a lesbian based on the large stack of Virginia Woolf books.

  11. Thumb up 7

    Please log in to vote

    So, wow, I can’t believe Ryan Murphy actually broke up the most popular couplings. Is he trying to start a fandom riot? Really? Jesus Christ. I hope that yellow hat is bullet-proof.

    That being said, I’m…actually not that upset with the way they broke up? Like, they made sense? Except I’m disappointed that Finn didn’t get more permanent damage despite shooting himself in the leg (yes, that was my hope that he’d get shot and then just…go away.)

    Also – WELCOME BACK, RACHEL FUCKING BERRY. We missed you. Quinn misses you. Get on that.

  12. Thumb up 2

    Please log in to vote

    I’m just looking at the pictures here and on Tumblr… did the show’s lighting get even darker? Did someone on the cast or crew get mad because they broke up all the couples and smash all the lights or something?

    • Thumb up 0

      Please log in to vote

      I felt like the lighting was much better on this episode, specially on the Give Your Heart A Break scene and the final one in the auditorium. It was generally a dark episode but i felt like for once it was done on purpose.

  13. Thumb up 6

    Please log in to vote

    “If Santana doesn’t sing “There Are Worse Things I Could Do” then I quit.”

    Amen, sister.

    I’m just waiting for Santana to move to NYC so her and Rachel can be awesome together. Bring on the fan-pandering subtext!

    Seriously though, I’m so glad the real Rachel Berry is back because I missed her. Also Sarah Jessica Parker turned Rachel Berry into Lea Michele with her magical makeover and I am not complaining one bit. More blazers please and thank you.

  14. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    This was so sad and hard this week. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago because she is spending her first semester of college abroad, while I’m going to our state school, 20 minutes from home. I know that she did the responsible and mature thing by doing this while we still loved and respected eachother but I miss her so badly. Our conversation was exactly like Brittana’s. I guess I just want to say that it helps knowing that people think it’s the right thing to do. Thanks, AS.

  15. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Haha, I refuse to watch this episode because my international girlfriend is very depressed, very overworked, and consequently currently not speaking to me or anyone else in America.

    That being said, if you really love someone (and okay, we’re not in high school and have graduated from college so I guess it’s different) I do not think the responsible thing is ALWAYS to break up. If you are committed to making it work, time apart can be managed. Sometimes you’ve gotta fucking take chances. I can honestly not understand why being apart from someone would be worse than not being with them at all (another thing is that neither of us has a desire to sleep with other people/casual date)? I know it’s different for everyone but it makes me sad to have so many people not on my side. Also, I’m moving there in January, so I guess we have an end date to the distance, but still. It’s just so scary.

  16. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Once again, I think Glee was trying to get pass a mature and relevant message, but in a not-so-mature and under-developed way.

    The Santana and Brittany break-up was mature and the acting was spot-on, but what was missing was everything that was supposed to happen before this outcome.

    I’ve invested myself in Glee because of the general idea of the history and going-on’s of this couple that they only gave the viewers in snippets and dropped hints about.

    I get that long distance relationships are hard, hell, relationships are hard even when she is in the next classroom. I also get that high school relationships may end, mine did, because things change, that is life.

    But I just wish they gave us more context, much was devoted in the process of Santana coming out and showing her love for Brittany. But what about after the let’s-be-girlfriends-in-a-real-relationship?? There was so much potential plot that could be explored.

    And that is the main reason I was so sad and depressed about the break-up. Their relationship simply did not get the respect and efforts that it deserved from the producers.

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.