Glee 401 Recap: The New Rachel and Mercedes and Puck and Quinn

The next day at school, the Glee Clubbers are all having lunch together enjoying their new found popularity that allows them to be total dicks. Unique shows up in a full face of makeup that, I might add, looks fucking bomb.

I LEGIT DID NOT EVEN KNOW SHE WAS WEARING MAKEUP UNTIL THE CHARACTERS STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT.

Unique: Unique offers her greetings and salutations.

The jerkos tell Unique to go take off her makeup even though Kurt was probably riding that Sephora train all the way to nationals. This is particularly annoying because no one is addressing the real problem, which is that Unique absolutely has to stop referring to herself in the third person. I really can’t stand that. Either way, it’s a totally sad moment. I really hated Blaine for a bit, which made me even sadder because he’s basically the only non-lesbian character I like. Not just on Glee, I mean. Anywhere.

SO THAT’S AGAINST THE RULES AND YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

The football players/Cheerio kids come to sit down revealing that being Actually Popular at McKinley means being Actually Mean. They start rehashing truly terrible fat jokes about the new lunch lady. The Actually Popular kids look to Artie to chime in with the jokes. Will he bend to peer pressure or standup for what he truly believes in?!!? He bends to peer pressure. Womp womp. Man I almost forgot that Glee is actually just the longest PSA of your life about acceptance and shit.

OH MAN. IF YOU LIKE ME TEASING THE LUNCH LADY, JUST WAIT UNTIL THE EPISODE WHERE YOU FIND OUT I’M ACTUALLY HIDING THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS ARE POLYAMORUS BUT LEARN TO BE OPEN ABOUT WHO I REALLY AM THROUGH THE GIFT OF SONG!

One Glee Club hopeful is particularly dismayed by the fat jokes. We find out in the next scene that the lunch lady is actually her mother. We’re then treated to three minute lecture from Lunch Lady Mother (whose name we are actually not told) about how high school is all about being the right kind of special so you should lie about being poor and having an overweight mother so people will like you. Oh man, looks like this woman needs a lecture from Can’t Mind His Own Business Hudson. PSYCH! He’s not in this episode! Huzzah!

THE NEWSIES WERE A RAGGED ARMY WITHOUT A LEADER, UNTIL ONE DAY ALL THAT CHANGED

Auditions come around and basically every kid in town wants join. This should be great right?

THIS OLD AUDITION BIT REHASHED AGAIN?

Well, if we’ve learned anything from glee auditions of the past, everyone is predictably over the top and bad. Though I actually really liked this one dancing hipster with the purple bandana. I would so get on that.

VROOM VROOM.

Along comes Jake Nolastname and he’s just fantastic! He sings a couple bars from the Fray’s “Never Say Never,” which is a song I actually like and he doesn’t butcher! Also Sugar winks to Unique about Jake being hot, which added to my new theory that Sugar will save the show. Obviously Sweaterman Will cuts him off. So Jake knocks over a music stand in a fit of rage. I smell a new Puck.

NOTHING SAYS RAGE LIKE KNOCKING OVER A VIOLINIST’S SHEET MUSIC. NOTHING.

Back over at NANANANANANAYADA, Madam Tibideaux aka Whoopi Goldberg aka the best celebrity guest star of all time is leading her expert singing class for expert singers. The first girl who gives it a go gets booed off stage and Tibideaux kicks her out of school leading my TV companions and I to questions at what school can you kick someone out on the first day based on thinking they haven’t practiced over the summer. Is NYADADA a college? A conservatory? A school for witchcraft and wizardry?

NO NO NO. SOMEONE PLEASE CALL MY AGENT AND HAVE THEM EXPLAIN TO ME HOW I ENDED UP ON THIS SHOW.

Anyways so Rachel gets on stage and knocks it out of the park as she sings “New York State of Mind” (not to be confused with “Empire State of Mind” which was covered two seasons ago). But here’s the twist! The new girl whose mom is the lunch lady, Marley, ALSO sings “New York State of Mind” for her audition and it becomes like a duet thing.

A MIGHTY FINE LIFE, CARRYING THE BANNER TOUGH AND TALL

Marley has that cutesy Disney Channel look (despite being like 23) and I love an alto. More importantly she’s wearing a hat and I’ve always said that hats are a dead gaydar giveaway. Highlighting the difference between high school and college, when Marley finishes her classmates look threatened and when Rachel finishes her classmates look hungover.

ALRIGHT THAT ONE GUY IS PYCHED, BUT CHECK OUT THAT GIRL IN THE BACK. SHE CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE AND A GATORADE.

The next day Will posts the audition results, which is weird since auditions were supposed to be on Friday. But this should be a happy glorious moment for lots of kids. Let’s see, Quinn, Finn, Rachel, Puck, Santana and Mercedes all left but Unique joined so there should be at least five new members right? Plus the New Directions are always a bit on the small side so they could probably double that number to have a normally sized choir. Right? Wrong. Besides Unique, Marley is the only new member. Not even Anger Problems Jake who promptly punches a wall or TPs a house or something. This makes zero sense, since some of those kids who auditioned had to have been better than Sugar and, in Jake’s case, Will loves to obsess over making someone’s life better through song. Also Will should know at least half his show choir will quit over some huge social dispute mid-season. I mean mid-semester.

I KNOW I MUST BE HAPPY BECAUSE MY MOOD RING SAYS SO

At glee practice Kurt’s still hanging around chastising everyone for being all about who’s the best and trying to stay popular. As oppose to before where they were all about who’s the best and didn’t stand a chance of getting popular. Artie finally announces who The New Rachel is and, lo and behold it’s Blaine! I vote yes although I would have accepted HeMo any day.

US SUFFER BAD. WANT JUSTICE. WE WANT THUNDERDOME.

Enter Mr. Schue with Marley in tow. She’s just super double extra excited to join the club! Also she lies and says her shirt is from J. Crew which causes Sugar to give a look that we’re supposed to interpret at “Really bitch? That’s not for J. Crew.” I know this is actually Sugar’s look of concern that her Knowing Everything Currently Being Sold At J. Crew superpower is starting to fail because she’s been spending so much time studying anatomy and hasn’t been able to go online shopping. Again, not that I’m projecting.

WILL IS CONSTIPATED

After school, Marley sits around with her mother talking about all her feelings about how she’s in glee club but feels bad about lying about her mother. See, Marley hates lying and judgement and people not accepting her for who she truly is. Barf. If she were any more one dimensional she wouldn’t be able to do profile shots.

BUT MOM! HOW CAN I BE POPULAR?!?! I’M TO BUSY BEING A BEAUTIFUL MISUNDERSTOOD PERFECT ANGEL WITH GREAT HAIR.

Meanwhile, Blaine has the most painful conversation of any high schoolers life. When you have to tell your older boyfriend he has to stop hanging around the high school halls. Without making it sound like you think it’s creepy/pathetic (which you do).

YOU GOTTA GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME STRANGE ASS.

Blaine proves he really is The New Rachel by singing his feelings to Kurt. Aside from “It’s time to begin” and “Right to the top, don’t look back” I’m not sure if Imagine Dragons’s “It’s Time” is really appropriate here, but I really like Blaine so I’ll accept it. Probably the theme from Into the Woods would have been better. Or Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” Or “Eye of the Tiger.” Or S Club 7′s “Bring it All Back. C’mon guys there were a lot of inspirational options here.

THIS IS THE CLOSEST WE’LL EVER COME TO BLAINE SIMULTANEOUSLY KNEELING THRUSTING AND SPANKING.

Also can we talk about how every kid at McKinley wears plaid? What’s that about? Also Kurt’s letterman style jacket makes me convinced they haven’t gone out of style after since last fall. So Kurt and Blaine go home to have awkward high school goodbye sex. Just kidding they have a sweet and tender goodbye kiss. Gotcha again. What do you think this is, HBO? These are gay characters on primetime network TV during an episode that isn’t about them coming out, getting together or losing their virginity. They hug.

SEE? IT’S JUST LIKE MAKING OUT EXCEPT FOR THE AFFIRMING GAY RELATIONSHIPS ARE VALID AND NOT INHERENTLY DIRTIER THAN STRAIGHT ONES PART

An ambiguous amount of time later, the glee clubbers are once again sitting around making fun of the lunch lady. Except this time Marley owns up to who she is/stays true to herself/admits the truth/learns a lesson/doesn’t stop, never gives up, holds her head high and reaches for the top/whatever PSA message I’m supposed to be receiving right now. Bottom line, she tells everyone that the person they’ve been making fun of all week (month?) is her mother. Brit-Brit is particularly distressed.

THIS FRENCH FRY REALLY BRINGS OUT BRITTANY’S EYES

In the Big ‘Ol Apple, Rachel is also learning some BS lesson about being who she really is. She’s admiring a picture of Thank God He’s Gone Hudson when College Cutie Brody shows up. Rachel admits she’s been feeling all awkward and wrong in college. This is a refreshing bout of reality since most college freshman know as much about who they are/where they fit in as a potato knows about how to become a grapefruit (unless you’re one of those really put together freshman in which case please don’t flame me I’m just here to make the jokes).

DOES MY ARM LOOK SKINNY?

Brody tells her she’s feeling squishy just because she’s becoming a different person. He encourages her to not fight the new her. Brody also offers to walk Rachel to class and maybe stick his dick in her later this season. Who knows. I can’t wait for the Who Does She Choose episode.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THE NEW YOU WANTS ON MY DICK

Rachel shows off The New Her in dance class where she is, again, the only person who fails the grayscale test and she spouts something about how she’s going to keep improving until she’s the best ever EVER. Honestly this doesn’t seem like a new Rachel, this seems like Rachel from the first season. And I missed that girl. I’m glad she’ll be replacing the sad sack of needy, whiny poor planning pumpkins we were subjected to last season.

CASSANDRA DID IT AGAIN. SHE PUT ONE ARM THROUGH BOTH STRAPS OF HER SPORTS BRA.

Twenty minutes later, Burt drops Kurt off at the airport to fly to New York without an apartment or plan. How am I just realizing now that Burt rhymes with Kurt? I really dropped the ball on that one.

QUEERMOS.

Regardless Burt encourages Kurt to go have an adventure and maybe rub up against some strangers at Flaming Saddles. I truly honestly wholeheartedly hope that Kurt moving to NYC doesn’t meant the end of Burt on Glee. I just think he’s the most perfect role model for how parents should talk to their kids.

DID I SAY GOOD ENOUGH FOR PRETTY WOMAN? I MEANT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. NOW GO FIND AN AGE INAPPROPRIATE PARTNER AND A STALKER.

Back at McKinley the glee club kids beg Marley not to quit. They tell her that they’re all perfect wondrous different snowflakes with a unique story to tell. Especially Unique.

WAIT TEEN JESUS IS STILL ON THIS SHOW? I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE

This of course leads to some particularly harsh words from the new head Cheerio, Until Next Thursday, who kicks the New Directions out of the cool kids clubs and slushies them. That’s okay because they all love each other forever and ever and dance off to rehearsal.

I’M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND KEEP THAT IMAGE IN MY BACK POCKET FOREVER.

Speaking of teamwork and crap, Will does a little digging on Jake and calls him to his office. Turns out Jake doesn’t just seem like a new Puck, he is literally a new Puck. Jake Puckerman. Yup. The brother Puck didn’t even know he had. So obviously Will has to help the sad, angry fatherless kid bit offering his the gift of music. Again.

WHAT?! THERE’S A TROUBLED KID AT THIS SCHOOL WHO’S BUSINESS I HAVEN’T INSERTED MYSELF INTO ALREADY?!

Will almost melts the kids heart just by calling him good, but instead he refuses to join the club. So Jake goes ahead and stands in the auditorium dramatically watching Marley sing “Chasing Pavements.” It is my personal belief that no one besides Santana should ever be allowed to cover Adele, but that’s neither here not there. Literally. Since Santana is neither here in the episode nor somewhere else. She’s nowhere. Fuck this.

WHY IS WILL THE ONLY ONE DOING THE PUSH IT DANCE MOVE?

Rachel calls Kurt mid-song, crying out of the blue. She cries to him about all the shit that has been going on and he suggests that she move out and find a different roommate.

AND NOW THERE’S A FOUNTAIN HERE AND IT’S GETTING ME ALL WET.

He tells her to turn around and Kurt is standing there having somehow found Rachel despite New York being pretty ridiculously huge. But I don’t even care because I love a good old New York Moment. And it’s a really great New York Moment because it’s not the typical two lovebirds finally meeting at last. It’s two non-romantic best friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time and miss each other because one of them left home and ran off to a strange new city to pursue her dreams even though living with new people in a new city is really stressful. Not that I’m projecting.

I REALLY WANT TO PRETEND I DIDN’T CRY DURING THIS MOMENT BUT I TOTES DID. EVEN THE SECOND TIME.

So in conclusion, folks, here’s what I think of the new characters:

AND THAT’S WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS ON GLEE.

In other words:

PREACH.

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 272 articles for us.

54 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    To be honest Australia doesn’t really care that much about idol. It finished in 2009. I think Australia doesn’t really care about reality tv as much as Americans appear to they dried to do the whole dramality thing and look what happened (I’m talking about the shire if you don’t know what it is look it up pacifically Sophie and vernessa) we tend to prefer stuff like the block and masterchef. Although some could argue that everyone loved the voice only 3 in 22 people watched it and even then all the contestants dropped off the charts almost immediately. From my experience Aussies tend to love a good drama/Australian miniseries (paper giants) and maybe the fact that the kardashians are only ever on tv at like 11:30

  2. Thumb up 4

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    “It is my personal belief that no one besides Santana should ever be allowed to cover Adele, but that’s neither here not there. Literally. Since Santana is neither here in the episode nor somewhere else. She’s nowhere. Fuck this.” This is exactly how i felt/feel!

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    This premiere, and Ryan’s new show that just premiered have made me so blah/bored/angry. I’m so over it all. Ryan (and crew) have lost their touch and need to realize they are doing more harm than good.

    They need to step back, then come back and make Glee or some other new show actually make sense and be somewhat linear and take in to account all the people he’s offended in his mission to be “diverse.” I’m going to keep watching Glee because I am a masochist and there HAVE been some great moments throughout its existence (Burt, when Quinn was actually a real character, etc) , and I’d LIKE to think Ryan (who I am well aware doesn’t write and control everything) just needs a wake up call. He’s totally becoming another Dan Savage and it really makes me sad and I hope it stops. There WAS a point where I enjoyed watching Glee and could accept the camp-ness of it in exchange for the talented actors, but it has just become so offensive to sensitive issues and way too cut and dried horribly done PSA.

    This article by Frank Bua:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/frank-bua/whats-wrong-with-the-new-normal_b_1884142.html

    …hits the nail on the head imo. It isn’t even about GLEE, it’s about Murphy’s new show The New Normal! But it is exactly how I feel about Glee. Quote from article:

    “Watching The New Normal is like watching a cookie-cutter cartoon; there’s nothing new, and over-the-top stereotypes make it difficult to differentiate between camp and just really bad taste. Worse still, many of the show’s generalizations are likely more damaging than entertaining…”

    Also they need to make Sugar a main character. Vanessa Lengies is fabulous and hilarious, go watch “Stick It” if you don’t believe me. They also need to keep Finn out and get rid of Will. I hope they make Rachel mature a LOT over the next few episodes. They really ran her character into the ground just like Quinn’s.

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      also …

      A few better alternatives to this show that feature queer/song/dance related things:

      *Smash – Fabulous – I haven’t been so happy with and excited by a theatre related TV show. Nothing like Glee. Better writing, great character dev, great flow, just all round a good show filled with brilliant talent. I <3 Megan Hilty.

      *Dance Academy – An aussie show ,comes on teen nick I think, I watched onine. About a ballet school written and produced by women. Minor queer stuff but amazing writing

      *GCB (cancelled but worth watching the first season)

      *True Blood – I was on the fence after season 4 but I think this past season (5) was spectacular.

      Also also also….go back and watch

      *Popular – The reason I can't totally hate Ryan Murphy. It was his first show and he wrote the majority of it is pretty decent. The season 1 Christmas episode had me sobbing. It was clichéd and somewhat out of the blue but it hit a nerve in me. There’s a lot of camp and just weird plot twists, etc like Glee, but somehow it seems to work out better and maintain a somewhat genuine vibe (kind of like saved by the bell if that makes sense).

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          Yes, too controversial/offensive to Christians was the general consensus. I thought it was a great show, there’s a petition to get it back on the air. Weirdly Kristen Chenowith said she didn’t think it was offensive to christians (she is an evangelical christian which i didn’t know and kind of takes me off guard). WHile I don’t think it is really offensive I think it’s more the satire ala Stephen Colbert’s satire style that drives home the realness of it to folks that want to deny there are people like the characters out there. I think Leslie Bibb’s character was a GREAT female lead in the heart of the bible belt trying to push through all the misogyny, and loved that she was a majorly flawed character in the past (high school) and didn’t skirt around the fact of how “horrible,” she used to be but had changed.

          http://www.theblaze.com/stories/abc-cancels-anti-christian-good-christian-belles-television-show/

          It took me three episodes before I realized Miriam Shor (cricket) was Yitzthak (sp), Hedwig’s semi lover/bandmate from Hedwig and the angry inch (a male character). Made my queer heart glow.

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      Could not have said this better myself! This is exactly what I think about his shows too….they just need to stop. Murphy needs to step back to his Nip/Tuck days and get his shit together.

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    i liked this. i usually can’t watch an episode more than once but i’ve seen this like three times. it feels different than last season, and that’s the best part.
    i agree mostly with this recap except that marley is awesome and blaine looks like he’s gonna take a dump every time he tries doing his seriousbutsweet acting bullshit. too bad there’s gonna be so much of him this season. also, jake is beyond cliche(even by glee standards) and he’s already annoying the shit out of me.

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    I thought this episode flowed better than any last season, but you’re right; it still has problems. I certainly hope that the realized Unique need to be better written, but it doesn’t look like it from this first episode. I wish I paid better attention to the credits to see who wrote which episode. I suspect Ali Alder didn’t have a hand in this one – she wrote a lot of the episodes I thought were problematic last season, and she’s working on The New Normal, which seems to have a lot of issues.

    We decided that Kurt must have located Rachel using that Find My Friends app on the iPhone that everyone thinks is so creepy but I secretly kind of love, mostly because when I’m rowing and my wife uses it, it shows me as being on the lake even though my phone is in the boathouse. Anyways…

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    My roommate pointed this out, and maybe she’ll come in and say it soon (I hope so! C’mon, do it Dialetheia!).

    The part where Marley admits that her mother (who seems to have serious self-esteem issues disguised as loving parenting, IMO) is the lunch lady and Unique says something like “What other club would have accepted me for who I am?’: no. Just, no on so many levels. From “cookies for basic human courtesy” to straight-up factual contradiction – NO.

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      Yes! In what sense did the glee club welcome Unique “with open arms”? After a less than enthusiastic welcome, they repeatedly tell her to tone down her femininity in order to protect their own popularity, don’t take her gender identity seriously, and, when their rude behavior is called out, never actually apologize. I guess Glee thinks that the best a trans girl can expect from her peers is grudging toleration.

      Outright bigotry is often times easier to take – you can dismiss the person spouting it as an ignorant asshole you wouldn’t want in your life anyway. But when your friends are uncomfortable with or embarrassed by who you are – that hurts the most. I remember that before coming out as queer it was always so much worse to hear certain friends of mine (who were not overtly homophobic and had openly gay friends) make casually disparaging remarks about LGBTQ people. That kind of subtle, unconscious, bigotry is the worst because it makes you feel like no one truly accepts you, that even the people who don’t hate still wish you were different. I think that a real person in Unique’s position would not get over those hurtful and delegitimizing remarks so quickly.

      That said, I really like that glee has a trans character, and I actually like Unique (although I agree that the speaking in the third person thing has got to stop). I am, however, unimpressed with the way her character’s storyline has been handled so far. It seems like they are brushing important issues aside far too quickly.

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    k so as much as I think Unique who is great will get butchered later in the season, right now she seems fairly true to herself and realistic other than the third person which is just awful. but whether she is trans, or if Wade ends up identifying as a man who enjoys drag, while these are ENTIRELY different demographics, maybe Unique/Wade is just trying to figure it out now? maybe they are exploring drag, exploring femininity, etc. i doubt the show will handle it well if Unique is thinking about transitioning (oh god i can’t even imagine how poorly glee would do that story) but right now it doesn’t seem to terrible.

    also i like marley-who-looks-like-blake-lively and her mom are sweet but WOW they have serious self esteem issues. especially her mom. i cringed at most of those scenes.

    anyway i’ll probably stop watching if santana doesn’t come back/i wish they’d just focus entirely on santana/brittany and rachel/kurt in nyc, so i may never know.

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    In spite of how crappy this show is…. Can we talk about Kate Hudson’s abs? Like sit down and have a serious discussion? So are they real? Were they airbrushed for this show (can they do that for videos? I don’t know, technology man.) I don’t really know what I want more, to have abs like that or to have someone who has abs like that.

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    I wanted to thank you for this quote. “I’d also like to take this moment to point out that this is a TV musical number featuring gay, trans and bisexual characters. This is why I have to keep watching this show. Because I am a baby child infant who still gets excited when I see shit like that.” Because I am totally using that next time I am forced to defend my continued watching of this show.

    However, I definitely have to agree with some of the other comments regarding Unique. I was really annoyed when the other Glee clubbers would tell her to tone it down. On one hand, I want to play devil’s advocate for them, given the atmosphere of their high school, Unique is most definitely going to face harassment. However, they seemed to be doing it more out of fear for their own reputations (indeed, I think one incident was before they were no longer considered “popular”) rather than out of concern for Unique’s safety and well-being.

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      Wasn’t it totally rich when Unique told that new girl that she’s lucky to be in Glee because it’s such a “welcoming and accepting place” or something? And basically saying they’d encouraged Unique to be Unique, when THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE of what they’d done, and NEVER apologized for? I can’t believe all the other Glee kids just smiled when Unique said that, like they BELIEVED they really were that accepting and wonderful. Ugh.

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    The only thing that made this episode bearable was being able to look forward to this recap. Thank you for forcing me to continue watching a horrible show. :P

    Also can I say that I was furious at the implication in this episode that HAVING A JOB is somehow demeaning and shameful?! Like, what? EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW SHOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING ALREADY, and working in a cafe is nothing to be ashamed of! We all have to start somewhere! I mean, if anything, good going on Kurt being the ONLY one to get a job, even though he seems to come from the most money.

    That just made me so angry. Yeah we sometimes have to work in places we don’t like, for people who sometimes treat us badly, but THAT IS LIFE. Don’t make kids who need these jobs feel like losers for taking them! Sigh.

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    “I truly honestly wholeheartedly hope that Kurt moving to NYC doesn’t meant the end of Burt on Glee. I just think he’s the most perfect role model for how parents should talk to their kids.” — YES. THIS. This father-son duo make me cry (and laugh too) all the time. Burt Hummel: “The Best TV Dad” FTW!

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    I also thought this episode wasn’t terrible, and even that it was kind of decent, but that always happens in Glee when the writing credit goes to Ryan Murphy. For some reason his episodes are always less shitty among the mess of a whole season of Glee.

    Also is it too soon to start fancying Marley? I know she’s basic and boring but omg her hair and her smile

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    I found it boring. But I think if I hadn’t created a Gleeaverse around Naya Rivera and Dianna Agron, I wouldn’t have found it so boring.

    I miss Santana-isms.

    I miss Quinnism. You know. Being a loony bitch and then being completely and sincerely sweet and charming only moments later.

    They were the Sweet & Sour gummy bears of the show and now they’re gone and now I yawn and FF my DVR through it all. Through it alllllll.

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