Glee Episode 516: “Tested” Will Test Your Endurance For An Episode Without Lesbians

Welcome to the sixteenth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a series of commercials for individually wrapped slices of American cheese. This week, an itchy assortment of iron-clad Daughters of the American Revolution will be signing and dancing their way through a majority of your personal issues, including Sephora, face lotion, dim sum, CVS Extra Bucks, lip gloss and underwater lovemaking.

magic-school-bus

This week’s episode was a strange brew of Educational Film From Health Class, After-School Special and Glee. Also, there were no lesbians. I fear that this recap is not as funny as usual, but I hope everybody here understands that as CEO, CFO, Editor-in-Chief and head writer of Autostraddle.com and a very heavy participant/thought-leader in that thing I invented called A-Camp that starts in FOUR WEEKS, I have to sometimes just accept that “perfect is the enemy of done.” I learned that from Ariana Huffington and she is REALLY rich, so.


We open with a very interesting educational film that turns into a PSA about getting tested for STDs.

Eh, looks like that Ryan Murphy kid is at it again with his rowdy band of homosexuals

Eh, looks like that Ryan Murphy kid is at it again with his rowdy band of seamen

All the boys are dressed up like homosexuals. See:

Yup, this is gonna be an Issue Episode!

Here, these are for poision

Here, these are for poision

YAY POISON!

YAY POISON!


We return back to life and back to reality where a young Blaine Anderson is raving about the culinary delights available in this fine city of New York. Blaine loves food!

Blaine: “New York is the United Nations of Restaurants!”

So many cock rings, so little time

So many cock rings, so little time

Blaine: “If a croissant and a donut made sweet sweet love, their baby would be a cronut.”

In fact, Blaine loves food SO MUCH that now his pants don’t fit anymore!

Fuck I love me some Shavasana

Shavasanaaaaaa

Blaine: “Could it be the Freshman 15?”

Petition to The Universe to take that term out of circulation?

Ugh this always happens when I buy pants at Forever 21

This is why you should never buy pants at Forever 21


We then mosey on over to the hallowed hallways of Fake New York Film School Academy where Artie’s wheeling around and monologuing about all the hot girls he’s been banging since moving to the city where instead of being a nerd in a wheelchair who bagged three incredibly hot and mostly intelligent girlfriends, he is a nerd in a wheelchair who is bagging a series of casual lovers.

Artie: “At McKinley nobody wanted anything to do with me because I was a nerd in a wheelchair who tucked my sweaters into my pleated khakis. But here I do exactly the same thing, and everyone thinks it’s cool! In high school, I had to beg girls to go out with me, but here, I’m lady bait!”

Whoa someone better tell that kid that there's a NOPE cat on the back of his weheelchair

Whoa someone better tell that kid that there’s a NOPE cat on the back of his wheelchair

Ladies love his experimental films and the version of Crash that you accidentally rented that one time thinking it was about drugs but it was about people who got sexually aroused by car crashes.

Just tell me the truth, did you steal my granola bar and use it in a short film about snacks

Just tell me the truth, did you steal my granola bar and use it in a short film about snacks

But Artie only has eyes for the lesbian from Friday Night Lightswho is known as “Julie” in this fine program.

Oh hey wanna go to a lesbian bar with me and Julie Taylor?

Oh hey I was just on my way to a lesbian bar with the worst Julie of all time, Julie Taylor

She’s doing voiceover for his terrible film about a plastic bag floating in the wind. I think I saw this one at the Ann Arbor Film Festival. Then Artie sings “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer which is about hooking up with hot babes.

Artie asks Julie out on a date and she says she doesn’t date people she’s working with. Womp womp.


Over at Fake Julliard, Kurt and Blaine have apparently enrolled in a one-episode Stage Combat Intensive that undoubtedly will teach the young rascals how to joust with pool noodles and kill Tybalt.

I mean do I even have to write a caption for this one or do you already know what I'm gonna say

I mean do I even have to write a caption for this one or do you already know what I’m gonna say

Blaine voiceovers about how Kurt’s really gotten in shape and become a heartthrob with bulging biceps while Blaine binges on Cheetos.

Blaine: I’m actually feeling a little jealous. Back at McKinley, I’d be the one getting fawned over. I lifted. I boxed. I was in the Dalton Fight Club, for God’s sake.

This is the tastiest blow job prevention device EVER

Eh, this is okay but I think I’ll stick to beejers

Blaine laments that now Kurt is the “hot shot” and after his Gay Bash last week, a lot of people look at him as a hero and now he’s “leading man material.”

Blaine: “I’ve always known he could be that, but most people didn’t. I guess I’m just not used to Kurt being seen as a sexual object.”

ANAL FISTING ANAL FISTING ANAL FISTING

ANAL FISTING ANAL FISTING ANAL FISTING


We sweep on over to Chez Mercedes, where Sam and Mercedes are french kissing with all their clothes on when Mercedes interrupts the action to tell Sam that she’s a virgin and isn’t ready to get “too serious.”

HOW MANY TIMES DO I  HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN YOU ARE THAT CLOSE TO MY FACE IT REALLY FREAKS ME OUT

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN YOU ARE THAT CLOSE TO MY FACE IT REALLY FREAKS ME OUT WHEN YOU DON’T

Mercedes: I don’t wanna do anything until I know that I should.
Sam: Okay then, we can go as slow or as fast as you’d like to. You get to call the shots.

Aw, kids these days.


Cut to Serendipity, a delightful restaurant on the Upper East Side generally filled with tourists eager to consume a goblet of what chocolate ice cream becomes when it sits in your freezer for 1+ decades.

Yes I picked up a very small baby in one hand, what is so hard to believe about that, look at how large my hand is

Yes, it’s true, I picked up a very small baby in one hand

Sam wants his pals to accompany him to The Clinic so he can find out if he’s got any STDs in his pants before attempting to remove Mercedes’ pants. The boys are shocked that the terrific twosome have yet to Put The Tools in the Shed, but volunteer to accompany Samuel to The Free Clinic On 14th Street because getting tested is The Responsible Thing To Do.

Then the waitress arrives with their beverages and Kurt notes that a Frozen Hot Chocolate has been ordered on his behalf although he did not express a desire for one!

Blaine: “It’s my gift. Trust me, you and your crazy self-denial dietary regimen will thank me once you have one sip of this frozen hot chocolate.”

"Hi Mr. Straw, this is Mrs. Straw. Mrs.Straw lives ALL the way across town at Whipping Cream Manor! Let's play in the frozen lake!"

“Hi Mr. Straw, this is Mrs. Straw. Mrs. Straw lives ALL the way across town at Whipping Cream Manor! Let’s play in the frozen lake!”


We then cut to the Doctor’s office, which’s about fifty times less crowded and calmer-looking than free clinics actually look in New York (trust me I HAVE BEEN TO ALL OF THEM), where a kind doctor informs Artie he has chlamydia.

I'm gonna give it to you straight, kiddo: Riese would prefer if all your scenes and basically all the scenes in this show were replaced with Santana/Dani Sex Scenes. We're gonna have to hold you here overnight until she returns.

I’m gonna give it to you straight, kiddo: Riese would prefer if all your scenes and basically all the scenes in this show were replaced with Santana/Dani Sex Scenes. We’re gonna have to hold you here overnight until she returns.

Artie’s surprised ’cause he had no symptoms, but that’s typical. The good news is that he’s not a lady trying to get pregnant, for whom such a thing could be a major ish. Anyhow, the doc explains that it’s no big deal, he just needs to take some antibiotics for 7-10 days and he will be fine. But Artie feels really awful, as personified by this neat costume piece:

Ugh it was on sale at Joyce Leslie OKAY

Ugh it was on sale at Joyce Leslie OKAY

I felt like he looked a little depressing in that giant booger so I had Grace give him a little flair:

Glee516-00065

Isn’t that so much better


Later that same day at The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, the boys are enjoying some Premium Channels on Demand when Artie announces that he has chlamydia.

Kurt: How is that possible?
Artie: I don’t know how.
Blaine: Well, do you wear condoms?
Artie: No.
Blaine: Well, that would be how.

NICE.

I mean, I don't even JUST wear condoms, I put on a condom, and then another condom, and then I encase the whole situation in vanilla cake

I mean, I don’t even JUST wear condoms, I put on a condom, and then another condom, and then I encase the whole situation in vanilla cake

Artie says the first time he tried to use a condom, he got nervous because they were locked in a cabinet and then it was “like putting on a tiny, greasy, banana-flavored wet suit.” Then Sam decides it’s time to slut-shame Artie, because he doesn’t know what slut-shame means, and I actually laughed out loud throughout this bit, so a tip of the hat to you, Glee.

Sam: No, Artie, okay? That’s… there’s no excuse. That is completely irresponsible! You have to wear one every time.
Blaine: Stop yelling. I’m sure he feels bad enough.
Sam: No, Blaine, this isn’t okay. Artie needs to be slut-shamed. I’m slut-shaming you, Artie!
Kurt: You’re lucky you just got chlamydia. I mean, you could’ve gotten something that can’t be cured.
Blaine: Yeah, you could’ve gotten somebody pregnant. Did you think about that?
Sam: Slut! SLUT SHAME!

What if you'd gotten a yeast infection? Guys get those too you know. And sometimes Diflucan doesn't even work right away.

What if you’d gotten Fake Quinn pregnant in a hot tub?

Blaine says that Artie has to tell the girls he’s been roasting the broomstick with that he has the clap.


Cut to Artie telling the girls he roasted the broomstick with that he has the clap. His first lady lover totally freaks out that she’s gonna get a canker and calls him “Patient Zero” and also “disgusting” and says she’s gonna tell EVERYBODY about it so that nobody will ever want to Rub Bacons with him again.

This is the facial expression I used to seduce Jessica on "True Blood" AND IT WORKED

GIMMME THAT GRANOLA BAR

The girl with an alternative lifestyle haircut is way cooler about it, she’s like yeah whatevs, okay I’ll go to the free clinic, who knows maybe I gave it to you, see ya later alligator!

You have noticed my haircut, right? Yeah, well, I've got so many yeast infections from girls on the swim team in high school that really what's a little clap every now and then yannow?

Yeah, of course I got this choker at Claire’s, who wants to know

Then The Lesbian From Friday Night Lights shows up to be small and adorable and crittery. She’s changed her mind about going out with him! She’d LOVE TO! They can have dinner tomorrow night!


We then traverse an unspecified distance to a church where Mercedes has taken Sam for unknown reasons. Sam has brought Mercedes a special present — it’s a “clean bill of health” from The Free Clinic! Mercedes says he is focusing too much on what’s on the outside and she’s still not sure about going all the way.

That's right, I'm a certified graduate of The Learning Annex's three-day seminar on Being Your Best Self!

What’s this? What’s this? It’s only a certified copy of the very first Samcedes fanfiction ever written, THAT’S ALL

Mercedes has therefore taken Sam to church because she’s gonna check in with Jesus and see how he feels about the sex thing. This is bad news for Sam ’cause I feel like Jesus and God and those peeps tend to err on the side of “no” on these issues.

Pssst Mercedes. Have you noticed that I'm the only white person here. NBD, just saying.

Pssst Mercedes. Have you noticed that I’m the only white person here

But first she’s going to sing an ’80s new wave hit to her preacher, specifically Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is.”


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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1747 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. Thumb up 6

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    Thank you Riese for constantly referring to Julie as “the lesbian from Friday Night Lights” throughout this recap. It made me feel like I got at least some lesbian exposure this episode.

    It really hit me watching this episode that Glee is written the best these days when it’s about the gay boys. They are clearly the characters that the writers seem to understand the most.

    I would also like to point out that the alternative lifestyle girl’s dyed hair matched the colors of the bi flag. (This must mean she’s one of us!)

  2. Thumb up 4

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    I’m seriously gobsmacked at the radical differences in this Glee from the Glee we’ve had to suffer through for the past 2-3 years. Blaine and Kurt are incredibly mature, and Mercedes is an actual real character. They’ve made her BETTER. She’s not just “Hell To The No!” or “Tater Tots!” She’s a well-rounded character who’s front and center now.

    Pinch me. This is unbelievable. I wonder what the show would’ve looked like if they had just followed the NYC path from the get-go in Season 4…

    • Thumb up 3

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      These were my EXACT thoughts this week about both the Kurt/Blaine relationship and about Mercedes. If this is what the new “young adult” glee looks like, I could really get used to this….

      (As long as they bring back Santana and allow her in all this good character growth that’s going on. I always like her best when they give more serious themes anyway. Naya handles those plots like a pro.)

    • Thumb up 3

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      This. Exactly!

      In the old days, Glee made everything likable and enjoyable, even the characters and the storylines that weren’t my favorites, because they found a way to make it all interesting and to get me to care about everything on the show. (Whereas, in the past few years, the quality of the writing dropped, and some of the characters and the storylines started to become boring/annoying/stupid.)

      Glee is getting better again, and I’m so excited about it!

  3. Thumb up 5

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    It genuinely surprised me how much I enjoyed this episode! This definitely the ONLY episode I have probably enjoyed that didn’t have Santana in it. Furthermore, I don’t think I was this into an episode since last season’s Shue/Pillsbury non-wedding and Quinntana sex! Which is funny because this episode in many ways was the exact opposite of random wedding night hook ups; it was about the delicate balances required to make serious relationships work and the necessity to sometimes “wait a while”.

    I especially appreciated the gentle hand with which they handled the Mercedes/Sam storyline. Last night’s writer (I think Brad Falchuk?) mentioned that Amber had a role in shaping Mercedes’ dialogue re: her decision to wait, and I think it really showed. So many characters on glee jump each other’s bones at a drop of a hat, which is great and super realistic. I love, for instance, that they are FINALLY letting Klaine act like they have robust healthy sex lives for two 19 year olds (their shot down of Sam’s abstinence club? hysterical). It is my forever hope that if/when Brittana returns that they might get a similar upgrade in the equal treatment department.

    But for some people, they need to wait. It’s important to them spiritually or for whatever other reasons that they might have. Maybe they are asexual and do not feel sexual desire (which, obviously, is not the Mercedes/Sam situation, but still, I like showing that not all couples have to have sex in order to be intimate with each other). All of that is important too.

    I’m glad that they allowed Mercedes and Sam to have multiple honest adult conversations about what their boundaries look like, and that they both took time apart to think, before coming to a mutual decision that works best for them.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    I don’t know how I feel about Mercedes storyline
    In terms of the virgin whore dichotomy I think black female characters get it so cut and dry.
    They either get pregnant at 15 and turn to drugs or they live in the church and pray everyday
    It’s not that realistic

  5. Thumb up 1

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    I really appreciate the Mercedes story line in this episode. Finally, there’s a likable character who wants to wait to have sex. Most of the time, any character who wants to wait is a bitchy, judgmental religious white girl (AKA, Glee season one with the abstinence club). I think it’s a really important message to send that you always have a choice to say no and that saying no doesn’t make you a judgmental bitch.

    Also, I’m always a week behind on this stuff because I don’t pay for hulu plus, but these recaps are always hilarious.

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