Glee Episode 513 Recap: New Directions For Lesbos!

Welcome to the thirteenth episode of the fifth glorious season of Glee, a charming country-style chowder of a tale about a quantum physicist from the near future who, due to a time travel experiment gone wrong, is doomed to forever hop through time, taking the place of humans to “put right what once went wrong” with the help of his womanizing best friend, who is actually a hologram. This crushing tale of daring heights and multiple avalanches deals with situations including prom-worthy headbands, three-legged tables, cylons, Bacon Clubhouse Rules, irritable bowel syndrome, ponies, undercuts and Frosted Mini-Wheats.

make-this-brittany-and-santana

This episode made me nostalgic for the last week of my senior year at Interlochen, because seriously THERE WAS A LOT OF MUSICAL THEATER KIDS SINGING and alumni everywhere and people wondering if it was okay to go to New York City without a plan. It is, by the way, although it’s an expensive place to go without a plan, but lots of people (including me) just needed to taste it anyhow, and then things have a way of working themselves out.


We open in the teacher’s lounge, where Holly Holiday and April Rhodes are enjoying a generous spread of pre-chopped vegetables while playing “fuck or chuck” with the Fine Older Men of McKinley High when Sue Sylvester saunters in and calls April Rhodes “America’s favorite alcoholic dwarf whore” as April accents her melon with Splenda and her coffee with victory gin.

Wait, so you're saying that the girl who plays the gay girl on Lost Girl is also a gay girl IRL?

Wait, so you’re saying that the girl who plays the gay girl on Lost Girl is also a gay girl in real life? Do you think she’d want to join our Blonde Buddies Club?

Sue then admits she’s not anti-April, really, because Holly and Sue are BEST BEST FRIENDS so she tolerates April by association! Holly and Sue even auditioned for The Amazing Race together, and their tape is amazing and would therefore win the race if I ran the world.

MOMMY WANTS JUNIOR MINTS!!!!!!!!

MOMMY WANTS JUNIOR MINTS!!!!!!!!

Sue then agrees to allow Holly and April shoehorn music into regular class-time activities all week long to further celebrate the unseemly demise of the Club once known for its Glee.

SCISSOR BUMP

Secret Lesbian Fingershake


We then skate gracefully into the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Tina Cohen-Chang’s walking and monologuing about this week’s Way Tina Has Been Wronged. Somehow, despite all logic and facts available to us as human beings, Tina was rejected from Ohio State.

Maybe I could go WOOFing with that Vanessa girl from Autostraddle...

Is thinking about WWOOFing

Thus, Tina’s re-focused her sights on New York, New York, home to world’s most affordable manicures, and specifically Mitzvah University, where she hopes her Cohen-ness and photoshopped account of her time at a kibbutz will snag her a spot despite missing the deadline.

Maybe I should do what Riese said to do and steal 87 spork packets from Kentucky Fried Chicken and employ said sporks to dig myself an enormous cross-country tunnel and then shave my head, slather my muscled body in grapeseed oil and slither all the way back to New York, New York?

Maybe I should do what Riese said to do and steal 87 spork packets from Kentucky Fried Chicken and employ said sporks to dig myself an enormous cross-country tunnel and then shave my head, slather my muscled body in grapeseed oil and slither all the way back to New York, New York?

Tina saunters into the Glee Room, where the kids are wrapping up Sir William’s golden dildo collection, which sends Tina into a depressive spiral. Then Blaine pops in with his big news: HE GOT INTO NYADA!

Ok boys, just squat down super hard and that butt plug will come right out!

Has your butt plug come out yet because I have been squatting super hard for a long time now and I feel like mine is still in there

In a dervish of delight, Sam accidentally knocks Tina unconscious with a giant golden dildo, thus transporting her to an alternate universe in which the Gleeks star in a Chums, which is like Friends, but happening right now in your face instead of in the ’90s!

I feel like this could use a little more oomph

I feel like this show could use a little more squirting

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT

It was Blaine who first realized that there was a dead mouse inside that ratty old couch they found on the street

It was Blaine who first realized that there was a dead mouse inside that ratty old couch they found on the street

Santana kept trying to teach her friends how to properly fist, but nobody ever paid attention!

Santana kept trying to teach her friends how to properly fist, but nobody ever paid attention!

It’s a mad-cap sitcom world where all these wacky teens are cohabiting in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, which is indeed approximately the size of Rachel and Monica’s Barbie Greenwich Village Dreamhouse Loft. Guys I was so into Friends, I even bought the book. Okay, I bought the book whenever there was a show that had a book.

If only Carol and Susan had more moments like this

If only Carol and Susan had more moments like this

Also, I got the haircut. I got the Rachel. Nobody told me that the Rachel doesn’t work very well on crazy Jewish hair like mine and this is before I knew that flatirons existed and anyhow, it looked about half as good as this:

Rachel got a Ross and then she got a Rachel

Rachel got a Ross and then she got a Rachel

Tina wakes up from her special nap to declare that New York’s gonna be amazing, you guys!


Cut to The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where Kurt and Mercedes share a little story about a recent fight they had regarding the vegetative content of tater tots and how despite said fight, the terrific twosome managed to triumph over adversity and remain friends.

Then I told kurt that his shirt and red leather pants made me embarrassed to be alive, and he totally forgave me!

Then I told Kurt that his shirt and red leather pants made me not want to ever bring a new baby into this world and he told me that’s okay Mercedes, you’re entitled to your opinion and it won’t change a thing between us

Why? Because it’s so silly for good friends to ruin everybody’s lives for no reason! 

Kurt: The most upsetting thing is watching two people you love fight about something ridiculous and there not being anything you can do to stop it!

One finger? Oh honey, ask Santana, I can take the whole hand.

One finger? Oh honey, just ask Santana, I can take the whole hand any day of the week.

Basically they’re trying to tell Rachel and Santana the same thing I’ve been trying to tell them in my recaps which is to SQUASH THIS THING. Okay? So they’re about to do something even the worst enemies can bond over: DREAMGIRLS.

“I’m Changing”


After a refreshing commercial break, we return to the McKinley High restroom, where Rachel is exhausted/depressed regarding this tedious rivalry and is therefore making Santana a peace offering — she’ll  just straight-up give Santana ten shows and Santana can pick the shows so her friends/family can be there to witness the glory.

Look I get it, Santana, you're a lipstick lesbian, you don't have to constantly put lipstick on to prove it to me

Look I get it, Santana, just because you’re a lipstick lesbian doesn’t mean you have to put on lipstick all the time

It’s a generous offer, but Santana turns it down because she is being a total asshole nut who doesn’t understand how Broadway works.

Santana: No. I want them all. The only reason why you’re doing this for me is because you know I’m gonna go on Showgirls on you and win. No more scraps, Rachel. I’ll be happy and kiss and be friends once you give me the part.
Rachel: God what is it about anymore with you Santana? I don’t get it.

Is it an onion or pubic hair?

Just look, is it an onion or pubic hair?


Cut to Animal Husbandry Club, which Holly Holiday has decided to use as a forum for a WILD MUSICAL PERFORMANCE! Specifically, Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time.” It gets really homoerotic.

This isn't a place for boys

These are not for the boys

But this is a place for girls

These are for the girls

I am totally into that

Oh I am so totally into that

It’s super fun, like a dance club in a ’90s movie but also Xanadu but also a PG-13 foam party or a photoshoot for a PARTY TIME fashion spread in YM Magazine.

Witness:


Cut to the Glee Room, where Brittany has stolen lilies from acres of innocent maidens to woo her lady-love back to her lesbilicious lap. “They’re the lesbian of flowers,” Brit-Brit explains, handing her lady-love two one-way tickets to Lesbos island.

I was gonna just get you lily-scented shampoo, but I figured why not splurge for the real thing

I was gonna just get you lily-scented shampoo, but I figured why not splurge on the real thing

Brittany: “I figured once we arrived at the Girl-on-Girl paradise that is Lesbos that we’d never want to leave.”
Santana: “Okay listen. Brittany, I love you but running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you want to do. You just don’t want to go back to MIT.”

Just ’cause she’s a super math genius doesn’t mean she has to do math, says Santana, because being a math genius wasn’t ever her big dream and neither was living on a lesbian island with Santana. That’s our dream, DUH.

Brittany, we don't need plane tickets to go to Dayton, we can just drive there

Brittany, we don’t need plane tickets to go to Dayton, we can just drive there

Brit-Brit says that Santana never wanted to be a Broadway star, SO THERE. Santana says all that matters to her is that she is a star, a shiny star with lots of money and fame, which is actually a really solid point. I mean, being a Broadway star isn’t my dream either, but were I offered a lead role, I’m pretty sure I would take it. (Don’t worry, friends, not all Broadway shows involve singing.)

Brittany I had no idea you were so open to open relationships

You don’t understand, I was planning on getting really rich and giving all of it to Autostraddle so they could become even better than they already are, and they’re kinda counting on me

Brittany insists, “I don’t wanna run away with you because I want to run away. I want to run away with you because you and I are the only truly awesome people I’ve ever met, and I’m tired of doing stuff that only matters to people less awesome to us.” Then Brittany lays it on thick:

Brittany: “Listen, you have spent most of your life in the closet because you cared about what people thought about you. Walking away from a dream that you don’t actually care about is you winning, because it’s you saying, This is not who I am and I don’t care who knows it.”

What???

Santana: “You know, it’s funny. I spent months tangled up in knots, and in five minutes, you straighten me out. You really are a genius.”
Brittany: “I’m just the world’s foremost expert in the field of Santana Lopez.”

Aw.

Tell me the one about how you were a private dancer for the U.S Women's Soccer team again

Tell me the one about how you were a private dancer for the U.S Women’s Soccer team again


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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1764 articles for us.

19 Comments

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    Wait, so I didn’t watch this episode at all. Are we really done with the boring new glee club forever? I hope so. But also, as much as I love Brittany and Santana being together, seeing two young, queer latinas together in a relationship on TV was awesome (not to mention that I absolutely love Demi Lovato). And, with Sam, Artie, Brittany and Blaine moving to New York (are they all going to be regulars in NY?) that adds three white characters and one mixed race character (including three men) and potentially gets rid of a queer latina (if Dani isn’t dating Santana is she going to still be on the show?) so that really hurts the diversity of the show.

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    Brittany, we don’t need plane tickets to go to Dayton, we can just drive there

    OMG would they please hurry up and get here then for srs. they can stop at the dairy queen in tipp city if they really can’t wait for a quickie in the bathroom

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    did Brittany really just reference Japanese slang for lesbians
    did that actually just happen

    (yuri is both the word for ‘lily’ and ‘girl-on-girl romance, usually in the context of anime and manga’)

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    Re: Brittany and Santana back on. My younger (okay, by 2 years) self is doing cartwheels over this. But me, right now, just feels cheated. Glee has had so many opportunities to do this and get it right. Yeah, these episodes have been cute, and DEFINITELY could have been worse, but I just feel like this is a ‘fan-drama-free’ way of wrapping up these characters’ storylines, and frankly I refuse to be “grateful” to the Glee writers for doing it.

    They’re still completely adorable together though. I can’t help myself.

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    “I spent most of it reading an NPR story about Akron.” A) really? I’m happy to watch their faces cheese out. B) I just had to googled “NPR story about Akron” since I’ll be moving to Akron next year lol. Why? Because it’s waaaaaaaaaay cheaper than NYU. (I already did poor-in-NY I’m good.)

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    Also I was so offended by Gwyneth Paltrow’s over the top portrayal of Temple Grandin. I don’t care if the point was to be insensitive therefore have music banned from non-musical clubs… offensive shit is offensive whether or not it’s terrible plot device. The Glee writers are fucking idiots. I also give major side-eye to Paltrow because I feel like she actually would make fun of Temple Grandin. And if she wouldn’t, it’s incredibly shitty how actors have to put aside their personal morals because of money/job. Yuck.

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