Glee Episode 512 Recap: 100 Times Better Than Usual

Welcome to the twelfth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a show about why I can’t spell “twelfth” without spellcheck. No but seriously: Welcome to the twelfth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a wacky family dramedy about a team of students with very clean shoes who progress from high school to college while moonlighting as private investigators under the tutelage of Nietzsche. This show deals with a lot of really important issues for young people, like World Book Encyclopedias, low blood pressure, cream soda, Cheddar Bay Biscuits, aftershave, compost, pocket rockets, scuba divers and cholera.

v-mars

This week’s episode was pretty great because everybody came back and things happened!


We open in the hallowed halls of Dear McKinley High, where the prodigal sun goddesses have returned to roost: Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry, immensely successful 19-year-olds who are confused about the lack of fanfare happening upon their return. For example, there is no: red carpet, poster announcing their success, lords-a-leaping.

Yes, it's me, I'm the one who finger-fucked Quinn Fabray so hard the marching band stopped practicing just to listen to her wail

Yes, it’s me, I’m the one who finger-fucked Quinn Fabray so hard the marching band stopped practicing just to listen to her climax

Rachel and Mercedes monologue their mutual distaste of one another’s accomplishments.

Mercedes: “So what, she got cast in a play as an annoying Jewish girl, what a surprise.”

We then enter the Glee Room which, for the first time in such a long time, is chock-full of people we know and love! Or maybe we didn’t love them before, but now we do because absence/Ryder makes the heart grow fonder.

image_1395276044499

this is how it felt to see all these people in one room

Safe in the sultry refuge of the Glee Room, both Divas are determined to snag the front-and-center chair, but Rachel snatches it first because she’s a whippersnapper! Mercedes says, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just make my way to be back of the bus.”

Don't worry babe, it took me three years to get a solo too

Don’t worry babe, it took me two years to get these sociopathic white people to let me have a solo, too

Sir William declares that it means SO much to him to have all his chickadees back in the pod to celebrate Glee Club before it’s converted into a LEGO/Logo studio. This week, the children will be asked to do a “reinvented” version of a previous Glee musical number. My fingers are crossed for “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer.”

Eh, on a scale of one to ten this class doesn't hold a candle to scissoring

Hmmm… What if we did “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” … but naked?

Sir William announces that he’ll kick off the celebration with his own Reinvented Classic and Santana’s like, “so you all cheer now, but just wait until he starts rapping.” Ha! But no worries, Sir William has even brought a guest — April Rhodes/Kristin Chenoweth is here! And she has an alternative lifestyle haircut!

"Shane For Wax" worked for me!

I just got hit on at The Abbey!

It was excellent training for heterosexual sex

Otherwise known as “how to have heterosexual sex.”

April promptly whips out the (non-alcoholic) champagne and dishes about what she managed to obtain via her most recent breakup: her own private island!

Girlfriend if you've got a private island then you undoubtedly can spare a few junior mints, cantcha

OMG PRIVATE ISLAND? I NEED A JUNIOR MINT PRONTO.

April’s island is called Santa Aprilrodeo. Here, Courtney Love found it for you:

c-love

April announces they’ll be doing the best musical number in the history of the New Directions, “Raise Your Glass,” which Blaine points out was actually done by The Warblers, and I point out was actually best done by THE MINI-WARBLER. It’s pretty delightful, honestly.

This image is also the cover of Vivid's best-selling Glee porn parody

This image is also the cover of Vivid’s best-selling Glee porn parody

BTW, my personal Intern, Grace Ellis, is full-time now, which means I can talk to her about Glee constantly while writing the recap.

Me: There’s a part in “Raise Your Glass” where in the background, Heather is joking with Jenna about having something on her nose, I think?
Forever Intern Grace: “Raise Your Glass” was a beautiful mess.
Like I wonder what the concept was for that song
“Ballyhoo,” maybe

Decide for yourself:

And here’s the best YouTube has to offer w/r/t the original:


Puck saunters through the hallowed hallways, monologuing about how he was The Saw at McKinley because he sliced school like a saw and when he liked a girl, he sawed her. Now he’s in the airbird army and super professional, but, much like many of you, still feels a flutter in his dark cold heart when he casts his gaze upon Quinn Fabray.

Is that carrot wearing UNDERPANTS?

Is that carrot wearing UNDERPANTS?

Unfortunately for Private Benjamin, Quinn’s dating Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl, aka “Biff MacIntosh.” His family invented apples, which means he is a descendent of Adam and Eve, which means he was created by G-d. Every now and then G-d messes up, you guys, like when he made tornadoes, the douchebag who stole my bike yesterday, men and Love Actually.

It smells like somebody just had a fluffernutter sandwich!

It smells like somebody just had a fluffernutter sandwich!

Puck can tell right away that Biff is a total douche, because Puck is in the army team now, and they find criminals in dark places like McKinley High. Also because Biff’s never heard of Puck before and knows nothing about Quinn’s life prior to Yale and has tagged along on this journey ’cause he won’t let Quinn meet “mother” until he really gets to know her first. I have a strange feeling he doesn’t know about this:

Sometimes I can't believe this even ever happened

Sometimes I can’t believe this even ever happened


Meanwhile, Brit-Brit’s slaving over the Theory of the Pythagorean Astrophysics Calculus Hypothesis Mathlete in a classroom when Santana pops in to make every lesbian at home fantasize that a sex scene is about to happen.

I've tried it every which way and I still can't figure out who the fuck A is.

I’ve watched the finale five times and taken all these notes and I still have no fucking clue who A is

Brit-Brit wants to go back to the old days before she found out she was a mathematical genius, back when all she wanted to do was scissor Santana and talk to her cat. Oh honey, don’t we all wanna go back to those days.*

Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as nice as stainless steel on your asshole.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as nice as stainless steel on your asshole.

We also get a neat flashback to Brit-Brit getting study buddied by the Great Minds of MIT.

Sorry guys, these electrodes aren't doing jackshit to stop me from getting wet every time

Sorry Exodus International, these electrodes aren’t doing jackshit to stop me from getting wet every time Ellen Page bites her lip in “Whip It”

Santana suggests reuniting the Unholy Trinity, a situation I am 100% on board with.

*I’d also be on board with Santana scissoring Dani, but this show seems unwilling to allow them to even tongue kiss, so.


We then zip back to Glee Club for this performance of the Britney Spears classic “Toxic,” for which the ladies alternately wear their famed uniforms and the new Very Sexy Collection from Victoria’s Secret.

One of you kids leaked our sex tape to Autostraddle and we are gonna find out who right here, right now

One of you kids leaked our sex tape to Autostraddle and we are gonna find out who did it right here, right now

point

Game

set

Set

match

Match

I'm gonna put it in your butt

I’m gonna put it in your butt

Did we sit on gum earlier? Just tell me the truth

Did we sit on gum earlier? Just check real fast.

Throughout the performance, the Gleeks cast weary glances at Biff, who spends the whole performance texting.

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Girl sex is fun!

Aw you’re wearing your soft blue thong! I love this thong!

It's a live model of Santana's little orb on the chart, minus Dani

It’s a live model of Santana’s little orb on The Chart, minus Dani

Do the locomotion with me

Do the locomotion with me

Here’s the performance for you to witness with your own two eyeballs:

And here’s the original:

Afterwards, April’s got only one question for Apple Brown Betty:

April Rhodes: “What did you think, Mr. Preppy McDimplebutt?
Biff: “Oh, I thought it was, um, very energetic.”
Mike: “You were texting the whole time.”

It’s true:

This, the whole time

This, the whole time

Dude, when Mike Chang calls you out, you are in trouble. Anyhow, obviously Preppy McDimplebutt is gay and was texting his friend kevinxoxo or setting up a Grindr rendezvous at the Cracker Barrel.

It's totally fine, we LOVE to cuddle!

He’s totally not gay, we cuddle ALL THE TIME

Santana tells Brit-Brit that she was AMAZING out there, and Brit-Brit says that she actually sucked. She’s super down on herself ’cause she’s so caught up in mathematics and neglecting hot dance floor moves.

C'mon you HAVE to see my new Babeland Mustang Dildo! It's so pink you could highlight papers with it!

C’mon you HAVE to see my new Babeland Mustang Dildo! It’s so pink you could highlight papers with it!


Pages: 1 2 3 See entire article on one page

Avatar of Riese

Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1734 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Thumb up 3

    Please log in to vote

    But yeah, I nearly threw my laptop against the wall with the Quick kiss. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEIR MEMORABLE MOMENT WAS NONCONSENSUAL??? Yeah, highlighting the deplorable state of your sex education, Glee. Good job. We need Ali to fix that shit.

    (Otherwise, I’m definitely going to watch this episode and weep at what could have been and the loss of what once was.)

  2. Thumb up 3

    Please log in to vote

    I had to stop reading the recap to frantically google Ellen and Portia because of that caption, and when I returned, I saw the next caption.

    I think from now on we all need to agree jokes about them may cause widespread heartbreak and rioting, and for the safety of us all those jokes must be banned.

  3. Thumb up 2

    Please log in to vote

    I never comment but I just want to mention that I LOVE THESE RECAPS and I have never missed a single one. Also I want to feel conflicted about the possibility of Brittana reuniting because of Santani (I thought I just made that up but Google says no), but I don’t. Oops.

  4. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    see, the great majesty of these recaps is how you can re-watch something seemingly boring like a rendition of “Happy,” and Grace and Riese can spot a hidden gem in the episode, like Ryder’s leap into the air.

    Or, how they totally save me the time to look up the original songs and still express a healthy does of “ugh” at Glee’s poor excuse of lampshading. I mean, I stopped my morning marathon of good/bad television just to read this recap, and it makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better that I still watch Glee, even though it will never give me the Santani (we should use that term, or at least make a drink with the same name) sex scene that I dream of.

    Well, done, Riese and Grace.

  5. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    i loved loved loved Valerie! and i’m totally for the Brittana reunion, maybe they’ll go together to New York? (it’s never going to happen, is it?:( )
    also i would have preferred having as guest star Adele Dazeem (i’m never gonna stop laughing about this) instead of Gwyneth Paltrow.

  6. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Oh god I am so anal over this and I apologize forever, but the wrong form of ‘dyed’ was used where Santana’s quoted as saying “She died her hair pink.”

    GREAT ARTICLE THOUGH! You save me the pain of having to watch this show by recapping all of the best Lesbian Lord and Saviour moments and for that I am eternally grateful.

  7. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Every time the old cast comes back I just realize how much better they are than the new ones – singing, dancing (apart from New Puck, who can really move) and acting. I don’t know if the new kids aren’t really getting the chance to make an impact because they’re constantly overshadowed by the old guys who we already know and (maybe) love, or if they really just aren’t as engaging.

    Also, I just watched the original Defying Gravity – how young and little they all look, and how much higher their voices are! Kurt especially has traded in his superhigh voice for cheekbones.

  8. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    As an army brat, I should point out to Puck that in the military, you can and will go to prison for going AWOL, so I would think twice about “staying”.

    Also, I’m fed up with the writers always going back to the evil-Santana place, and I don’t remember her hitting that below the belt in the entire five seasons of Glee. What gives?

  9. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    I watched this entire episode instead of just watching Pezberry clips on tumblr. That is a testament to the fact that I am naive sucker. Brittana is going to ride off into the sunset – is this how they are writing Naya out?

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.