Welcome to the tenth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a charming homespun comedy about a pair of genetically enhanced laboratory mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility, where they perform elaborate tap-dancing numbers to the sound of iced tea being stirred, compare and contrast argyle sock collections, knead challah, write magnetic poetry, eat raw hair serum with fig compote and have very loud sex.
I will be skipping the adult parts in this recap because nobody’s got time for that and Sir William and Emma having sex is gross and I don’t want to talk about it. Luckily, nothing really matters, just like Queen said.
We open in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Blaine, Tina, and Sam are performing a sanitized version of “Jumpin’ Jumpin’”, apropos of nothing.
It’s an unambitious but watchable situation.
At the song’s conclusion, Sir William declares that this jubilant club anthem isn’t a good choice for the National Gladiators Ultimate Supercontest Choirblast Final Extravaganza Celebration Competition. Fortunately, Sam/Tina/Blaine explain that they weren’t submitting this tune for consideration, they simply desired to perform together as a trio for their own selfish purposes.
Sir William reminds everybody that school’s ending soon and, depending on their relationship with Ryan Murphy, the children may or may not see each other’s ugly mugs again after graduation. Tina starts crying because time’s running out and she hasn’t had lesbian sex with Marley-Kate yet.
We then secure a sponsorship with North Face, deck ourselves out in reflective thermodynamic gear, and ride an ice sculpture all the way to New York, New York, home of the worst dentist I’ve ever been to, where Rachel’s apparently moved in with Adam Lambert “indefinitely” despite the fact that on the salary of a Broadway star, she could actually afford to live in a g-dforsaken hotel if she wanted to. She’s also forced Adam Lambert to sleep on the couch because she is rude/traumatized.
Although one’s day off is generally best reserved for morning sex, pretending to exercise on the elliptical trainer at the gym even though you’re really just watching Judge Judy, standing in line at Duane Reade, jostling with the masses at Fairway, forgetting your account number at the bank and begging your doctor at the Ryan Clinic for more Xanax, Rachel’s not interested in maintaining her health and happiness on her day off, she’s interested in holding additional rehearsals with her own private band! Adam Lambert pops in to deliver her dry cleaning and Green Tea, because he is a Perfect Human.
Rachel’s super-thrilled to have Adam Lambert in her lifescape.
Rachel: “I have a new best gay!”
Adam: “I kind of hate that term, it makes me feel like a pet.”
Rachel: “What do you mean? It’s so funny! You have done more for me in the last 24 hours than that traitor Kurt Hummel has since graduation. I was just gonna sing the entire Funny Girl score, do you wanna watch?”
This conversation sort of punched me in the face. Her dismissal of Adam’s discomfort with a term because she thinks it’s “funny” and her dismissal of everything Kurt’s ever done for her because of ONE disagreement about how one must conduct one’s professional career is disappointing and makes me want to cry and then smash a tomato in her face.
ANYHOW, Adam Lambert is like, yeah thanks but no thanks I’d rather not watch you sing Funny Girl 2-3 times, but I’d love to sing with you, ideally a nice rock ‘n roll song that’ll excite all the lesbians who have crushes on me. It’s unfortunate that my Guitar Hero PTSD interferes with me truly enjoying what is about to happen, because what’s about to happen is a smokin’ hot rendition of “Barracuda.”
We then teleport back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Buttonbush Wetland Preserve, where Blaine and Sam are trying on their graduation gowns for this new fetish thing they read about on datalounge.
Tina pops in and begins crying again, lamenting that they never talk to Puck, Mike or Rachel anymore, and therefore they’ll probs never talk to each other again, either, because “the glue that holds high school friendships together is high school.”
Sam promises Tina that he’ll send her a weekly Vine of him doing an impression if she agrees to Vine him a shot of her soaping up her boobs. Blaine says they need to “say goodbye to this place with some heroism and some drama” and therefore he will press Student Council to hold a Lock-in, because nothing’s more dramatic and heroic than a school-sponsored social event that takes place at school!
Although Student Council quickly signs off on the plan, Principal Sylvester vetoes it because Obamacare. This inspires Tina to hurl herself upon the surely diseased tile floor of this godforsaken schoolhouse and weep like she just got a pony for Hannukah and then it died.
Sam, dressed like he’s on his way to pick up a nice friendly Bear at The Flame Bar’s happy hour, agrees with Blaine that the best solution to Tina’s desolation is to have their own private Trio Lock-in because whatever, and then Sam asks Tina if her boobs are getting bigger and she says that they are.
We then board a crowded United Airlines plane and drink so many miniature bottles of vodka that we take off all our clothes and pass out and the plane is forced to make an emergency landing in New York, New York, where Santana’s affixing a generous weave to her already luscious locks and Adam Lambert’s dropping by to pick up Rachel’s sheet music.
Santana informs Adam Lambert that she’s planning to “psych out” Rachel by wearing sexy outfits and plastering the theatre walls with pictures of Rachel from when she was a “butterball” to remind her “once a fattie, always a fattie.” Adam Lambert keeps it real:
Adam Lambert: “Oh, girl, that is so high school.”
Santana: “Okay, life is very high school, just with bigger stakes, and if you knew Berry the way that all of us did, you would be applauding me. In the beginning, it’s all sunshine and giggles and stickers, and then the second that you want the same thing as her, a dark cloud comes over her whiskery little chin. And she will chew you up and spit you out like a Jewish Hillary Clinton.”
When Adam Lambert informs her that he’s let Rachel into his hearth indefinitely, Santana is furious, and Adam Lambert is flawless:
Santana: “How could you do this to me! You are such a traitor!”
Adam Lambert: “Well, A: I hardly know you, so I’m not really being a traitor, and B: she needed a place to stay and I needed money.”
Santana says maybe Auntie Snicks could help him out with money. ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING?????
We then put on our Straddle This boxer-briefs and our smoothest pleather jackets, drink a bunch of boxed wine, and race like Roadrunner all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Blaine and Sam have interrupted their superhero-saves-the-hapless-blonde role-play to meet up with their third wheel, Tina, at McKinley High After Dark.
Immediately, the children get to work ruining the most memorable song from my favorite movie of all time, The Breakfast Club. Seriously that’s my favorite movie of all time. The song, my kittens, is “Don’t You Forget About Me,” and the performance is indeed unforgettable.
There’s a part of every episode where I think to myself, with a sad facial expression, Oh my G-d I’m going to have to watch this AGAIN because part of recapping is watching the episode again. This song was that moment for this episode for me.
Witness the splendor with your own two eyes:
Alas, mere moments into their triumphant last hurrah, who should show up but….