We then pack ourselves a variety of meats and cheeses in a picnic basket, throw on our red hoodies and skip all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Econo Lodge Lima, where Sue’s hosting a riveting segment of Sue’s corner.
did somebody cook ground beef in here yesterday
Sue Sylvester: This nation faces a far more insidious foe: Miley Cyrus and the genital-flapping dance known as “twerking” that makes men and women alike look like overgrown, constipated toddlers. This vulgar sexually explicit excuse for a dance craze has brought American culture to a new low and that’s why tonight, Western Ohio, I solemnly pledge to end the pandemic of twerking once and for all. Not only will I outlaw twerking at McKinley High, but I have submitted a bill to the Ohio State Legislature banning twerking in Ohio public schools. And Hannah Montana can go back to naked-straddling the three-ton wrecking ball she was clearly up-sold at Home Depot, as the tiny cinderblock room she’s elected to demolish is only about 12 square feet and already has a wall missing.
Honestly the relief I felt that she wouldn’t be discussing trans* kids going to the bathroom was so overwhelming I was unable to adequately analyze whatever else the fuck was happening here.
Starsweep to the Glee Room, where the children are up in arms about the twerking ban.
It’s called the Affordable Care Act, you doofus, NOT Obamacare, and just because the website doesn’t work now doesn’t mean it won’t work real soon!
Sir William’s especially incensed and spouts nonsense about lines in the sand and how Sue’s gonna hear them roar/twerk, and honestly he seems to care more about Sue’s ban on twerking than he has ever cared about anything, including Blaine being temporarily blinded by rock salt, Marley’s eating disorder, Ryder’s revelation about being a sexual abuse survivor, the rampant racism and transphobia consistently expressed by Fake Quinn, Finn outing Santana on national television, and Tina never getting a solo.
Sir William: Twerking is about blurring the lines between the past and the present, between men and women, between tradition and envelope-pushing. It’s all in that Alan Thicke song that I love.
Artie points out that the song’s by Robin Thicke, and that Sir William’s analysis is faulty, but Sir William already has a boner for his own idea and cannot control himself.
Yup, right under that seat is a secret passageway to the mancave where i spend my afternoons watching re-runs of Kids Incorporated and eating gummy worms
I know each episode exists in its own special time warp where we must disregard all past exposition, but you’ve got two sexual abuse survivors in your classroom and maybe should proceed with more sensitivity, Sir William. Or, you know, you could just keep on doing you, by which I mean, keep on being…
See how far apart my hands are? That’s one tenth of the degree to which I am The Worst.
Sir William insists that if Sue wants to “draw lines in the sand” then they will “blur those lines” by ejaculating their bodies into the hallway in a totally pervy performance of “Blurred Lines” starring a grown man as a date rapist.
Watch me cropdust the fuck out of this hallway, unsuspecting nasal cavities of McKinley High
How could Blurred Lines get creepier? It could be sung by William Schuster, white straight cis male authority figure, flanked on both sides by nubile teenage maidens, gyrating teenage homosexuals and a simmering Miley Cyrus Sex Riot.
How ELSE could Blurred Lines get creepier? It could focus extensively upon the tension between Marley’s unwillingness to play hide the snake in the bush with New Puck and his aggressiveness in convincing her to change her mind about that and go all the way.
if you hold real still i can transport the junior mints from my mouth into your mouth, like a blowback
Beyond that, “Blurred Lines” needs no more help ascending Mount Creepyasfuck.
ain’t no party like a big boo party ’cause a big boo party don’t stop
omg i have those same boxer-briefs!
keep rubbing and maybe we can start a fire
hey girl can i be the santana to your brittany later tonight while my friend over here is the quin to our brittana
twister fetitsh
I’m the king of the world!
Watch the whole calamity for yourself:
http://youtu.be/QPCa5Kpe6Uk
Starsweep to Prinicpal Sylvester’s office, where Sue offers some insight into the precise level of Sir William’s Worstness:
Sue: You do realize that Blurred Lines is a song about date rape, don’t you?
Sir William: (laughs) What? No it’s not.
HEY SHOW, having Sue call out problematic shit doesn’t make up for the fact that you still did some problematic shit and are gonna cash in via iTunes for doing so!
is deciding whether or not to have chicken kiev for lunch
Sue: You need to back your ass up to the fact that you, a married 37-year-old, just performed a song about coercive sexual advances as nine minors twerked alongside you down the hallways of a public high school.
Sir William: It’s called the first amendment, Sue. This is about freedom of expression.
UGH THE FIRST AMENDMENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN SAY OR DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WHEREVER YOU WANT WTHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE. IT MEANS YOU CAN DO/SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT GETTING ARRESTED OR EXECUTED BY THE GOVERNMENT. JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST. ALSO PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE BASTIONS OF CENSORSHIP, ARGUABLY THERE IS NO INSTITUTION MORE CLOSELY REGULATED FOR CURTAILED SPEECH/EXPRESSION THAN THE AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND IT’S NOT AGAINST THE LAW, IT’S PART OF THE LAW.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Sue fires Will but Will rejects that news. Why? Because he is…
We then time travel back to 1998, buy ourselves some killer rollerblades, time travel back to whatever godforsaken year or universe this godawful show takes place in, and speedrace each other all the way to a tattoo parlor in New York, New York, where Rachel and Kurt are chugging Limoncello out of the bottle. FYI, kiddos, before getting a tattoo you’ve gotta sign a thing that says you’re not drunk. But don’t worry they’ll never know the truth, unless you’re drinking LIMONCELLO OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
Okay, I’m imagining that Quinn is wearing a strap-on — i just stick it in like this?
This exact thing happened to me once, where my Broadway actress best friend decided she wanted to get REAL CRAZY and by that I mean get me really drunk and take me to get a tattoo because you know, actresses aren’t supposed to get permanent body modifications until they’re certified famous.
just close your eyes and think about blaine
Before we can see which Blaine fanart Kurt got tattooed on his buttcheek, we cut to the next morning, when Kurt awakens with a killer hangover and a botched tattoo — Kurt had requested “It Gets Better,” but instead got “It’s Get Better.”
Kurt: “It’s both personal and political just like me.”
Kurt talks a tad too enthusiastically about the prospect of running into Dan Savage in the steam room at David Barton and a tad too terrifyingly about the prospect of said radio star noticing Kurt’s typo’ed shoulder blade.
Oh my Lord, I grew a tail! I’m turning into a GOAT, Rachel! A GOAT!!!
Rachel insists Kurt return to the tattoo parlor and right this wrong. The takeaway from this scene is that all the gayboys and boy-loving-ladies of the world got to see Chris Colfer with his shirt off and he did not disappoint.
We then remove our clothing, coat our bodies in thick layers of cold cream, olive oil, and vegan lubricant, and rocket ourselves on slip-a-slides all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Unique is using the boy’s bathroom because the world is terrible and nothing makes sense.
holy crap i am not ready for how g-dawful it is going to smell in this innermost circle of hell
“Well, if it isn’t the “Q” in the LGBTQ-XYZ-who-gives-a-crap,” says Mean Boy #1, who obviously never watched Sesame Street ’cause then he’d know that Unique is a T.
yeah there’s a girl in here talking to the devil, so
Unique begs to do her “business” and let them go, but they want to know how she “does her business” and so they snatch her wig and flush it down the toilet. It’s awful. She huddles in the corner, devastated, starting to cry, and then she softly starts into “If I Were A Boy,” and it’s actually perfect. We transition into the Glee Room where everybody listens with wet eyes and clutching emotional hands and I cried through the whole fucking thing.
http://youtu.be/UPF6JUsB1r4
Sam and Ryder and New Puck wanna know whose doucheface they can punch in this afternoon, but Unique insists the bullying will just get worse if they retaliate, an assertion patently proved false in Season Two when the boys retaliating against Kurt’s bullies finally got them to cut it the fuck out.
Well we guess it all started the first time we went through the second grade. We caught our reflections in our spoons while we were eating our cereal, and we remember thinking “wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.”
Sir William, of course, says that’s a terrible idea, but Sir William is an idiot, so. Instead they’ll do something else that is also worse, I’m sure.
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I just. I cannot even. I CANNOT. On the one hand, Unique’s rendition of If I Were a Boy is perfect and heartbreaking, and yes, I totally cried. On the other hand, EVERYTHING ELSE. God, I couldn’t even get all the way through the video of Blurred Lines, I was so skeeved out. Also… none of that was twerking. WHITE PEOPLE JUST NEED TO STOP WITH THE SO-CALLED TWERKING.
“On the other hand, EVERYTHING ELSE”
yes indeed
Everything about this makes me cringe. The sad reality of our world is that people will watch this and see nothing wrong. They won’t see how transphobic the treatment of Unique’s character is. Or just the general terribleness of it all.
Exactly – gay people I know were writing about this episode as though it were wonderful and trans positive. I tried so hard to explain why that was wrong, but just couldn’t get through to them. So frustrating.
How do you even stand recapping this show anymore, Riese? I tried to watch to see what was up with The Worst et al., but couldn’t get past the awful. Also, does anyone care about new cast members?
“You guys, when I was six…Beyonce was also six.”
DYING
I almost vomited in my mouth just reading that Schu sang Blurred Lines. This is appalling. Fuck this show. I can’t even watch the first season anymore without getting incredibly distressed because HOW COULD *THAT* TURN INTO *THIS* SO QUICKLY???
The sheer amount of transphobia and stupidity makes me want to throw up. Why in the world would they use Blurred Lines anyway. I’ve never watched Glee before and this gives me more of a reason to stay away.
I don’t understand how Unique singing “if I were a boy” could be so good and make me cry, but the rest of her storyline was so bad. How did they even manage that?
And new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was super annoying.
I think that new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was especially annoying, because it was just another cheap joke at the expense of women who dare to critize Glee. Remember “lesbian bloggers” and “hashtag Glee hates girls”?
yeah exactly! it’s totally snarky bullshit just like those situations you mentioned, sade
Every part of my former teacher self wants to go through the TV and throttle Will Schuester. So far this season he’s… stolen a grief memento from another student AND implicated another student in this, harassed a girl with an eating disorder over not wanting wear a bikini, and sung Blurred Lines to his students. Also with no more Ms. Pillsbury, there isn’t anyone to balance out his crazy and tell him when he’s being an awful human being.
My only hope is that maybe Glee is building him up to be awful and will end the show by sending him to a jail where Nathan Lane has already headed up a prison choir and he has no job to do.
Also, I loved Unique’s version of If I Was a Boy, but Nellie Veithemer’s from the Glee Project still has a special place in my heart.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one holding out hope that they’re building him up to be awful, not just to us (feminists, smart people), but to everyone.
I know it’s the most wishful of wishful thinking but… his behavior has been truly upsetting and over the top. It’s bizarre. I wonder what the actor thinks of his character.
fig newton soaked in hot dog water for five hours, indeed.
one of the best imagery for something disgusting I’ve ever read.
thank you i will print this complement on my mantle as soon as i become a person with a mantle
I don’t like this.
Couldn’t help but yell at the screen as Ryder stood up to “defend” Unique and I was reminded of his exceptionally trans*phobic response to her crush last season.
This was so validating to read after probably the worst episode of Glee they’ve ever done.
The cheeseball part of my soul really just wants to watch talented people sing and dance to songs that I know. But the cheese melts under all of the transphobia, racism, biphobia, sexism, general creepitude and assholery, etc. Also, I’ve officially gotten too old to know most of the music. Therefore I can’t watch this show anymore. But I really like your recaps.
According to the super reliable internetz some junior mints are vegan now. I need to go find some.
I just cannot with this show anymore. As soon as I heard they were going to do “Blurred Lines” (or as it should be correctly named: the date rape song) I turned to my girlfriend and said “I bet someone will sing it and then someone else will point out it’s rape-y and then Glee will pat itself on the back for being somewhat aware of the awfulness but still rake in the iTunes money.” And to be honest, I’m terrible at predicting shit like this. That’s how predictably terrible this show has gotten.
However I do still love the NYC bits. Could someone magically cut just those bits together so I never have to look at Will Scheuster’s ever again?
thanks for giving me so many reasons not to watch this episode. i can’t handle it anymore.
“IT’S JUST LIKE, I WANT GIRLS WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, TO KNOW THAT I’M GAY. WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO ASK. YOU KNOW?” is what the voices inside my head are screaming every time I tell my hairstylist something like “I don’t know, maybe…. wispier this time?”
Also I’m definitely not watching this episode. Thanks for saving an hour of my week <3
Riese, I cannot thank you enough for suffering through this shit show to bring us these hilarious reviews (hands over imaginary fruit basket).
you’re welcome! (eats all the berries first and then the apples and then the pineapple and then maybe the melon if i am still hungry)
This episode makes me wonder where they are going to draw the line with all of this.
They=the writers who think this is ok, the actors who consent to do it (I know it’s really difficult once you’ve signed a contract, but those have to be renewed at some point right? Also I know it is complicated when it will mean losing a reliable source of income etc.), and the people who watch the show who need to hold Glee accountable via their viewership and iTunes accounts.
I used to enjoy Glee’s songs because they (usually, somewhat) applied to what was going on in the show and they were catchy…but now that’s all overshadowed by the show that I can’t even enjoy the catchiness anymore.
Can we just have a NYC spin-off? I feel like that’s the natural progression of the show anyway, since it was primarily focused on the “original six” cast members, especially Rachel. But that’s going back to season 1 and as far as Ryan Murphy is concerned that’s a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…
Also in regards to one of the captions, All I want for Christmas is Quinn Fabray with a strap on. Can someone please tell Santa?
I am so confused as to how I missed the abuse storylines… Didn’t realize they bothered to give Ryder and Kitty depth last season.
But Will has becoming increasingly inappropriate. He’s made me uncomfortable for a long time now (the Rocky Horror episode comes to mind) but now it’s ridiculous. Protesting totally reasonable dress codes? Suspending a girl from Glee Club for not violating those dress codes? Saying that girl’s choice to not make herself uncomfortable for others’ entertainment is a selfish “agenda”? And then everything that happened in this episode. Completely ridiculous.
Meanwhile, I missed Santana in a major way. Seems like she would’ve fit in perfectly to the “let’s do something crazy!” storyline.
I stopped watching glee years ago, but I still tune in for these recaps just to see what unimaginable ways glee has effed up this time. A+ on the recaps :)
Riese, it’s amazing how your reviews of such an awful show are still enjoyable to read. I haven’t watched the show in years but still read your recaps.
If they ever decide to just follow the characters in NYC and no more McKinley I might consider watching again, but until then I’ll just read your recaps..
‘You guys, when I was six… Beyonce was also six.’
This was my favourite quote from this recap!
“JUST IGNORE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF WAVY-HAIRED GIRLS RUNNING AROUND IN THE WOODS ON THE WALLS IN THERE, PROMISE I’M NOT ‘A.'”
FuuuuuUUUUUCCKKKk. That was the funniest thing.
I imagine that when Ryan Murphy interviews people to write for this show, it goes something like this: “Do you think that people should be able to joke about anything they want, no matter how offensive or triggering it may be to other people? No? Good answer, good answer. And do you think that a writer should be able to write about any hot button issue, ESPECIALLY when they pertain to minorities who aren’t gay cis white men, without having to do any research or give any thought to the fallout that might come from misrepresenting such an important topic? Yes? Wow, you’re really acing this interview.”