Welcome to the seventeenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about men and the women who want to tongue-kiss them! It’s also about organic tomatoes and the potatoes who love them, and it’s also about winter camping, hot dog water and puppy purses. It’s a very dynamic show.
You may be asking yourself, “Riese, it’s already Thursday! Don’t your Glee recaps usually debut on Sunday at the latest? Isn’t there a new episode on in a few hours? What happened?” Well, I was out of town all weekend, spent half of Monday crying in the fetal position because of things people said on the internet, and then on Tuesday decided that I just wasn’t going to recap the episode at all, because honestly it was terrible and I didn’t want to watch it again. But mostly I had like 65 other things on my Too Much-to-Do-List.
But I have been dogged by this naggy reliable perfectionist asshole in my brain who absolutely cannot feel good about herself unless she follows through on her commitments, like the commitment I made to recap every episode of this show. What if you get mad at me or think I’m irresponsible? WHAT THEN. WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT IN THIS WORLD. I mean, Intern Grace made screencaps and everything!
So I decided to write a mini-recap. Real Talk: Honestly part of my aversion to recapping this episode is that I have extensive personal experience in the sex work industry in Manhattan and therefore have lots of feelings about Geyerdean’s new storyline but because I don’t really talk about that enormous chunk of my life history on the internet, I just have to sit here and silently go insane. Anyhoo, let’s get to it, shall we?
This week on Glee, the children, disturbed by the feud between Mr. Shue and the human-shaped Fritter Roll who rubbed his chapstick all over Emma’s lip balm several weeks back, have declared this week “FEUD WEEK,” because nothing brings you closer together like MOAR FIGHTING.
You may be asking yourself: “How does Emma feel about this feud or Finn’s unfortunate disclosure?” Well, my silly compatriots, you must have forgotten that Emma is a lady and therefore her feelings are irrelevant. It’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt not speak of a woman’s feelings unless said feelings make Finn a better man.”
Back in New York, New York, Rachel’s not pregnant and wants to go to class. ”Rachel, you can’t just blow past this like it never even happened,” Santana advises. Um, it’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments, Santana: “Thou shalt always blow past this like it never even happened.”
Regardless, Sananta insists Rachel must question her relationship with Geyerdean, who we then witness participating in a musical number in which Geyerdean makes approximately three facial expressions and then a gorgeous middle-aged woman who stores money in her bra takes him upstairs to a hotel room to play Chinese Checkers or maybe Hide-the-Salami.
We then traverse back to Lima, Ohio, home to 39 gas stations and 16 grocery stores, where many unnecessarily complicated hijinks are unfurling. For starters, Sue Sylvester wants Blaine to adorn himself in skin-tight polyester and fist tiny girls into the air and claims he signed a 456-page contract committing himself to the Cheerios forever, like they do in Scientology. Blaine refuses to commit to the Cheerios Cult, aka Sea Org.
Meanwhile in the libraray, aka Ryder Bieber-Strong’s personal computer lab, Ryder Bieber-Strong’s pursuing an online affair with a girl named katie_xoxo, who we all know is probably an axe murderer and definitely not a 16-year-old blonde girl named Katie.
Ryder thinks he and Katie The Arsonist are soulmates because they both love bears and french fries.
This is also when this week’s Social Issue gets introduced: unlike his Glee compatriots who prefer to play out their transphobia via microaggressions, repeated employment of male pronouns and unchecked low-blows veiled in offensive pop culture callbacks, Ryder’s going all in this episode and openly expressing his discomfort with Unique’s efforts to exist and be herself.
Ryder tells Katie The Kitten-Killer about a confrontation with Unique earlier that fine morning during which Unique called Ryder out for smushing his trouty mouth against Marley-Kate’s sugar shack. Ryder noted that it’s none of Unique’s business, which’s true, but then Ryder challenged Unique’s gender identity, because that’s what douchebags do when they can’t think of anything relevant to say.
Katie the Kidnapper suggests Ryder challenge Unique to a duel for FEUD WEEK and Ryder Bieber-Strong is like, “You’re a genius!” If she was an actual genius she probably would’ve used Unique’s correct pronouns or a more convincing fake-picture, but whatever.
Accompanied by the Dothraki, we make our way back to New York City’s famous Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Santana continues insisting that Geyerdean’s not the cater-waiter Rachel insists he is and, furthermore, Santana’s very worried about the “soggy mess of a woman” Rachel has become.
We then traverse the barren wasteland of the post-apocalyptic tundra of the soggy mess of the Eastern United States until we arrive in Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester has gifted Blaine with a tub of cement disguised as hair gel, taken out 30 credit cards in his name, ruined his parents credit, stolen his identity, and a billion other things that are not only illegal but also really impossible to accomplish in such a short period of time.
But Sue’s crowning achievement was hiring a blimp carrying a “BLAINE IS ON THE BOTTOM” sign to circle the school…
…which inspires this fantastic facial expression:
“That is completely inexcusable,” Blaine spurts. “and it’s not true! Not really!”
Well boys, there you have it.
Elsewhere in these hallowed hallways, Marley-Kate and The New Puck decide to get back together. “It’s me and you against the world,” says New Puck, apropos of nothing.
Later that same day, or maybe the next day or the day after that, Ryder and Unique perform an unfortunate mash-up of Elton John/Madonna. Can I suggest something really quick? Okay. Thank you. Maybe Unique is The New Rachel! Because she throws her whole entire self into every single song she sings, you know?
Ryder rage-drums, Unique dashes about dressing everybody up in her love and then Unique touches Ryder’s shoulder and Ryder pulls away in a manner that inspires me to shove drumsticks in both of his earholes.
At the song’s fortunate conclusion, Blaine suggests the winsome duo shake hands and make up, but Ryder Bieber-Strong refuses to call Unique a girl because he has short-term memory issues.
Ryder Bieber-Strong: “Look, I’m just so confused, okay? Yesterday you’re dressed as a boy, today you’re a girl. What – what bathroom do you use? I mean, make up your mind.”
Unique: “It doesn’t matter what you see, you don’t get to decide for me.”
The New Puck tells Ryder Bieber-Strong that he’s a douchebag because “in this room, we can be whoever we want,” like how Teen Jesus is a total waste of space yet still gets lines sometimes.
I think this is followed by another scene in Sue’s office, but I didn’t actually take notes for this, but Intern Grace made this nice graphic, so:
Also, Becky wears this:
We then traverse land and sea, resting briefly by the Tumtum tree, until we at last come upon the Only Classroom at Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s apparently teaching choreography to an all-female troupe of fishnet stockings to please Kate Hudson, who I guess still exists. Then Satana shows up because girlfriend is on a capital-M MISSION.
(Sidenote: If somebody asked me, which nobody EVER DOES, I’d say that Geyerdean’s an asshole because he’s not being open with his partner about the fact that he’s a sex worker, but there’s nothing inherently shameful about being a sex worker. It’s up to Rachel whether or not she’s comfortable with it — and she certainly doesn’t have to be. But he needs to give her the chance to make that decision for herself and not make it for her by lying. Anyhow…)
Geyerdean: ”Do you know what your problem is, Santana? You’re loud, and you’re rude, and you think that attitude equals talent.”
Santana: ”Another thing I am: a hardcore friend. Kurt and Rachel are my family and I can smell your sketchiness from here. So let me tell you how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna move out of our apartment tonight, or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you.”
Or she can dance around like a sex machine atop a shit-ton of scaffolding!
Ladies and gentlequeers, I present the best part of this entire episode: