Glee 313 Recap: Heart Kiss Kiss Kill Kiss Heart Love Sugar

This week on Glee, Santana and Brittany had full-on sex. Just kidding! I think some tongue was slipped, though.

This week on Glee, Tina and Mike sang me to sleep, Rachel gave herself a facial, Brittany pulled Santana’s hand out of her pocket so she could hold it, and everybody partied at Breadsticks.

 

Also, Whitney Mixter guest-starred as a Rastafarian God-fearing fellow I thought I recognized from Jewish Camp until I realized The God Squad was a club focused on the latter element of the Judeo-Christian Situation.

in actuality they look nothing alike, but i find it entertaining to proceed as if they do

Well what are we waiting for? Let’s dive in! This week’s episode was written by an actual lesbian woman!
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We open in the left hand corner of the television screen, where Santana and Brittany are locked in a Jellyfish-esque embrace, communicating via secret lesbisexual-only language only dolphins and unicorns can hear (that’s why Brittany doesn’t really need to talk anymore, it’s all about body language, like Ursula said in The Little Mermaid) but the camera almost instantly cruelly sweeps away towards Glee Club Center Stage where William’s marker anxiously awaits its debut onto the white board for this week’s Special Doritos Challenge.

i know, right? in fact, i'm wearing a rodeo harness underneath my skirt right this very moment, so whenever you're ready, i'm ready

William once more demands his drug-runner choirgirls and boyz gather funds for something I’ve already forgotten about, which places William squarely in third place on the list of “people who keep asking you for money” (after NPR and Autostraddle). Perhaps they need new light fixtures/haircuts or rollerblades to visit The International National Regional Sectional Partial Highlights Festival.

Thank G-d, William’s financial woes are promptly silenced by a wad of cash from Sugar’s purse.

this is a good example of the 1% standing with the 99%

Then! Sugar, with a gigantic red bow on her tiny head, dressed like a drunk Valentine’s Day package on a Bahamas Cruise, announces she’s throwing a HUGE Valentine’s Day Party at The Sugar Shack for Glee Club and ~25 extras.

Sugar: “You have to bring a date, no single people allowed. They’re sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.”

Sugar then inexplicably spends the episode’s entirety vacillating romantically between the two saddest, boringest boys in school. Regardless, Sugar is clearly the black horse lightbeam of this unfortunate series.

She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.

William announces they’ll be singing “world’s greatest love songs” this week. SPOILER ALERT they forgot “Take Me Anywhere.”

he wrote that using romi klinger's lipstick

Then Puck smears chocolate all over his face.

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Cut to the Grand Theater Auditorium, where Rachel and a man-shaped chunk of peet moss have been summoned by, SURPRISE!, Rachel’s Dads, Hiram & Leroy! Inspired by McKinley’s lenient instrument rental and parental visitation policies, Hiram and Leroy are wheeling in on a piano, chanting “Here comes the Bride!” as Beauty and the Beast lumber to the stage.

Blaine & Kurt 2.0

Hiram and Leroy — who I love, I mean, they’re gerat — volley some Clever Gay Jokes as Finn fidgets in the presence of so much homosexual awesome, wearing The Look dumb boyfriends get when they realize their girlfriends’ smart family was probably expecting their daughter to marry someone smart/talented/interesting. This is problematic ’cause Finn spent the entire morning wondering whatever happened to Anna Kournikova and doesn’t know any of the words to any of the songs and thinks Into the Woods is the Broadway adaptation of Stand By Me.

oh my god, now both sides of my family will contain homosexuals

The Dads have invited the Humbert-Hummels to their tastefully designed abode for everybody’s favorite Family Holiday, Valentine’s Day, which sounds like an unfortunate idea. Surely they can’t truly be okay with this. Nobody with a blazer that impeccably tailored could approve of Finn?

Anyhow, the median age of first marriage for a woman in Ohio (and in the U.S. as a whole) is 26, by the way, which means Rachel’s SO far ahead of her time that one must really ask oneself, “what the hell is she thinking?” and so thank GOD Kurt’s emerged from harpy hell into homo heaven this episode to do just that. NOT YET, but later.

Locked in embrace, Hiram gives Finn a fleeting “Really? You? You?!!” glance and the scene cuts before Finn pees/cums in his pants.

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We cut to God’s Glee Club, The God Squad, featuring three members of The Omnipresent Glee Club and Ziggy Marley.

this is what happens to clubs about G-d when people use G-d's name to make shit up about gay people

While Mercedes and Sam passive-aggressively project everything about everything onto their own hearts/minds, the “meeting” addresses pertinent issues like “re-introducing Quinn into the fold.”

Quinn: “When I was at my lowest, I turned to pussy.”

Just kidding, she said “prayer.” But she said it in a way that made it sound like “pussy,” which is a word I actually LOATHE and would never say out loud, but moving on — apparently prior to this very moment, God Squad was a duo-dominated situation as it seems Joseph Hart, the tattooed sandaled vaguely creepy-looking guy with dreadlocks, is also a new member.

I'm not gonna lie, I have a lot of feelings for Jesus

Sam suggests they perform Singing Telegrams to raise money for a “shoe drive” and “adopting a highway,” the latter of which could work out in my favor as I believe my “blankie,” which fell out of my car during a 2001 highway accident in the Lima area, has yet to be recovered. Yes I was 20 years old at the time, but ENOUGH ABOUT ME and my need to always stick my hand in something, let’s move on!

you don't wanna know where this gavel has been, but if you're really sure that you do, then ask brittany

Attempting to target the source of this program’s latest unnecessary casting atrocity, I checked out IMDB to discover SURPRISE that Ziggy Whitney, played by a man named Samuel, is a pick from The Glee Project, which is up there with “inventing Finn” on Ryan Murphy’s list of Life Mistakes. I even watched a Glee Project clip on IMDB in which Samuel and another contestant have the following exchange:

Dude on bed: “So Sam. What are you gonna do if you don’t win?”
Samuel: “If I don’t win? I’m gonna bug the living shit out of Robert until I get a role on Glee. Seriously. That’s all I wanna do, I’ve decided I’m gonna be on Glee before I die, so that’s what I’ll do.”

So I guess this was inevitable.

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Onto the Melody Cafeteria, aka the “Mel Caf,” where the chitlins are popping pop chips while dishing out the deets of the day. “I have a secret admirer,” says Kurt, eating a delicious Pop Chip. “I’m gonna fuck a bunch of sorority girls, who actually are younger than me,” says Puck, a Pop Chip swimming gallantly into his gullet.

this school really needs to crack down on security

“It’s a gorilla!” says Kurt, pop-chips-popping, as a Gorilla delivers another secret Valentine. “That’s not weird at all!” Tina exclaims from her far corner of the Plotless Desert. Then Tina eats a Pop Chip.

“All these weird Valentine’s Day balloons and stuffed animals  are from,” Kurt eats a pop chip, “Blaine!” Apparently Blaine has been coordinating bestiality-themed messages to his lady-love all the way from his sick bed, ’cause unlike last episode, Kurt is no longer able to cross the force-field into Blaine’s Bed of Sorrow and they can only communicate via primate.

“I wanna shimmy into Sugar’s Sugar Walls!” says Irish Breakfast, mashing a Pop Chip into his face.

i tried to get a larger clover but unfortunately ran up against some Irish Erasure

“NO I DO!” says Artie, tossing a bag of Pop Chips onto the ground, wheeling over them, and then stuffing his face in the bag to eat them and get a helium-esque high. “I have a four leaf-clover!” says Irish Breakfast. “AND I LOVE POP CHIPS!”

in a game of rock paper scissors, my wheelchair would demolish your plant

“WE ALL LOVE POP CHIPS!” The children exclaim, and then they all throw food in each other’s faces and die.

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Back to the Hallowed Hallways of The McKinley School for Rachel and Finn, where Brittany approaches her lady-love with an open laptop and a look on her face you can imagine a Young Brittany giving to her mother as Brittany announced that she’d finished all her vegetables.

It’s a present! Santana beams brightly as Brittany hands her a whole entire laptop! Santana is confused about why she’s being gifted a laptop but —

Brittany: “It’s a playlist. With all the songs that I hear in my head when I’m with you or when I’m thinking about you. I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine’s Day but this is as far as I got without any help, so… Oh and I made you a cover.”

props for the hipster movie reference in the playlist title, Brit-Brit

Clearly this calls for Santana to cart that shit around on her shoulder, boom-box-in-the-80s/90s-style, blasting her love from the proverbial rooftops.

how did you know that "on top of spaghetti" was my favorite song to make love to

See, we told you that if you ever let us see them, it’d be so sweet all your teeth would fall out. “Aw, Brittany,” Santana coos, leaning in for a kiss –

"Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."

—INTERRUPTED!

i know 'em when i see em

Smear to The Office, where Santana and Brittany are getting that oh-so-familiar Lesbian Double-Standard Shakedown which I hope all of you here have had the extreme pleasure of experiencing first-hand. (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID)

guess this means no more fingerblasting behind the bleachers

Santana: “This is such bullcrap! Why can’t Brittany and I kiss in public, because we’re two girls?”
Figtown: “Please don’t make this about your sapphic orientation. This is about public displays of affection. PDA simply has no place in the sacred halls of McKinley High.”

[Unlike a cheer coach soliciting sperm donations from seventeen-year-olds, obviously, which has a place and that place is The Glee Room.]

Regardless, Santana has this shit on 14 kinds of lock — in a manner reminiscint of Bette Porter, what’s so fucking fantastic about Santana’s Sapphic orientation is that she’s just as eager to apply her quick tongue to combatting injustice and hypocrisy as she is to insulting Rachel Berry’s alleged facial hair. That’s not all she’s willing to commit her tongue to however HAY-O

look what i have here are several pages from a blog called "finchel forever dot tumblr dot com." have you heard of them? well, they're sick of your complaining

Figtown: “We’ve had complaints!”
Santana: “About us? When?”
Figtown: “Most recently, yesterday, 12:16 PM.”

Flashback to the teaser-tease:

they're just sharing chapstick

Santana: “That? Our lips barely even grazed! And by the way, did you get any complaints about that hideous display that started at 12:17 p.m. and lasted for several uncomfortable minutes?”

BOTP

Figtown: “Believe me, I’d much rather see you and Satana kiss than that so-called Finchel, but if a student files a complaint because for religious reasons –”
Satana: “Oh, great. So it was some Bible-Thumper who complained.”
Figtown: “Ms.Lopez, I’m sorry, but I’m trying to keep this school from turning into a volatile powder keg.”

Santana: “I’m sorry too, ’cause all I wanna be able to do is kiss my girlfriend but I guess no one can see that because there’s such an insane double standard in this school.”

It’s so meta I can barely stand it — but also, awesome.
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Back at the Plentifully-Chaired Room of Glee, Rachel’s got another announcement up her skirt to bestow upon the class — “we’re getting married!” she gleefully exclaims. “What the fuck?” the children say with their eyes, mouths, and noises of disapproval. “This is like when Shane hooked up with EZ Girl,” Santana says with her eyebrows.

finn just remembered that he has two giant boxes of mike 'n ikes at home

Rachel, unaware that just because she’s convinced herself this isn’t the worst idea ever doesn’t mean she can convince anyone else, continues with pep in her out-of-step-step while Kurt is like, “ew” and Quinn is like “um, as I said in the bathroom last week, HELL TO THE NO.”

but not as much as i would've loved to take you out of that bridesmaid's dress

Tina volunteers to “be there” because she “knows what being in love feels like,” which is sign #1 that she actually doesn’t know what being in love feels like because it doesn’t feel like wanting to get married at the Justice of the Peace to a Rugby Shirt with legs.

Hey Rachel #2 from The Real L Word, what do you think about Finn & Rachel getting married?

Exactly. Artie jumps into one of the greatest love songs of all time, Mario’s “Let Me Love You” [what?], but lest we lie to ourselves that I give even half a fuck about this storyline, let’s pop off!

 

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Profile photo of Riese

Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1747 articles for us.

84 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    This episode was really good. The songs were good, the way Glee winked at their own double standards was good, Santana and Figgins and Sugar slayed, The Berry men need their own spin off, and I need next week’s episode in my life because of THIS:


    the magical appearance of the actual gif in this comment is brought to you by the autostraddle community managerettes

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        Omg. I agree.

        They totally just want you to take charge… I mean that in a non creepy way. Oh well.

        I don’t really believe in Santana and britney… I mean I love them but I just don’t see the chemistry. Like I want to watch them have conversation about something in which britney isn’t just funny because she says something clueless… Because her cluelessness is a bit tragic you know? Like it’s not all that funny to laugh t someone’s helplessness.

        I love the idea of her being secretly being really smart and going to an ivy league. In fact, I call that. Right now.

        And omg Riese. Loved it.

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          No chemistry? Well then that’s really saying something about the other couples because they’re the ones that seem the most believable to me. Brittany is sweet & endlessly forgiving so she can look past Santana’s flaws to see the good person that she actually is. Santana believes in Brittany & doesn’t think of her as being just a good looking simpleton the way everyone else does.

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          I agree with you… She’s cute sometimes (Brittany) being clueless and all but it’d be nice to see another side of her…

  2. Thumb up 0

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    … So I’m the only one who doesn’t like Brittana?

    I thought so…

    (but seriously. I’ve hated Britney’s character ever since the writers didn’t know what to do with her and wildly fliped back and forth between ditzy cheerleader who hooks up with everybody and mildly developmentally disabled for a season. Mostly I’m thinking of the episode where she still believed in Santa. HOW CAN SHE BE HAVING SEX IF SHE STILL THINKS SANTA BRINGS HER PRESENTS?)

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      I also can’t stand Britney, for pretty much all the reasons you mentioned. But I like seeing Santana in a happy lesbian relationship, so I’m willing to put up with it. Especially since Britney doesn’t speak much. But I certainly would prefer to see Santana with a good character who can hold her own.

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      yeah i’m having trouble with that aspect too — brittany’s character is so wacky, perhaps moreso than anyone else on the show, she says things that literally no human being her age would ever say, the stupid things she says are hilarious but WAY over-the-top. That’s why I want to see more of their relationship, you know? And I think that’s why we aren’t, because they don’t know what to do with Brittany center-stage, they only knew what to do with her as a side character. I’m sure there’s a way to rationalize all of it and I bet a lot of people will respond to this comment and argue otherwise, but I don’t think we should have to work that hard as viewers to make it make sense. She’s still a caricature, and as they flesh out Santana more and more, their failure to ascribe any motivations to Brittany’s actions or understand her psychology becomes increasingly obvious. IMHO

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        I agree completely, the saddest thing is that they started to show a smart side of Brittany at the end of season 2 but as it happens with Glee she reverted back to being the quiet, one-line-per-episode ridiculous caricature she was in season 1. I think that’s one of the reasons I like Brittana but I am not really invested in them, I just can’t see them as a serious couple as long as they don’t give her a bit more depth.

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          yeah, Brittany was such a genius towards the end of Season 2. Remember how insightful she was in the Prom episode? “They don’t know what you’re hiding; they just know you’re not being yourself.” So damn insightful. Also, interesting that she apparently is so technologically inept that she is unable to burn a CD, but she is apparently competent enough to create and produce a web talk show…

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        I think a lot of Brittany’s character was initially built on one-liners that make her sound incredibly dumb (with the exception of her insightful moments in season 2). It’s possible that they’ve cut those kinds of lines in order to make her relationship with Santana more socially-acceptable. I think the writers hope that by doing this, we’ll think of Brittany as wacky/zany/etc instead of how she used to seem – potentially not smart enough to consent to a sexual relationship. Further developing Santana’s character has also helped make their relationship more acceptable. She used to be insanely manipulative, even with Brittany, and now she’s a total badass. Maybe it’s because I’m just happy to see some gays on TV, but I really love Brittana.

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        I totally agree with this. I feel like this show has now plan. They just write by the seat of their pants and it’s infuriating. I don’t think they ever planned for Brittany to be a main character, and I think because of this the Brittana relationship is basically a flash in the pan and a scheme to get more “shock” ratings, which is really unfortunate. I would love to see this show portray a strong lesbian relationship, they have the power to do it, but right now they are using their power for evil.

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        Yes! It’s hard to take them seriously because it’s like Brittany it’s not sure about what she is doing… Like Santana is her BFF and she makes out with anoyone so “ok”… -.-‘ I’m all about Santana joining the team but Brittany, nah…

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      no, you’re not the only one. I mean, I don’t really dislike them, I’m just not wild about them either. I feel like there’s not much chemistry between them. I mean, they’re better than Rachel and Finn, but anything is. Compared to Kurt and Blaine though, we don’t get to see much electricity, much depth to the connection.

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    I’m going to be the asshole here and say I only thought this episode was alright. Like, yes, obviously Santana+Brittany were amazing. That was great. The ending was awesome, Sugar was funny, and I really liked Rachel’s dads!

    But on the other hand, I hated the God Squad stuff. Not even in a “grr, why can’t we all get along” kind of way, but in a “this plot has been done eleventy-billion times already, and is straight out of a very special episode from 1995.”

    1) Although using Figgins as the mouthpiece for the writers to say, “We get it, we messed up.” was nice, acknowledging something is wrong is not the same as fixing it. Glee loves doing this, but the writers also seem to think the acknowledgement is enough and it gives them licensee to keep doing the same thing.

    2) Why do Brittany and Santana have to be singled out again for a storyline like this? I know I’m being petty, but I loved how Blaine and Kurt’s relationship was totally normalized (at least by Glee standards) and I was disappointed it couldn’t have been slipped in the same way.

    3) I honestly just hate tv lectures about acceptance like that. Religious folks shouldn’t accept gay people because they reconciled it with their religious beliefs, they should accept us because we’re human beings. But that’s a whole other rant from me. It just annoyed me in an episode that should have been all about sunshine and flowers and hearts and kisses.

    But yea. I thought it was OK, I was just disappointed.

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    I spent way too much time watching gifs of that kiss over and over again on tumblr. Like, waaaaay too much time. Heather looks like a really good kisser.

    I think Rachel actually threw a hairbrush at Finn after she told him he couldn’t poop in her house. I fucking love crazy drama queen Rachel Berry.

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    I find it funny that ABC family shows more love towards same sex couples giving them more than a glance while the channel that airs Family Guy, American Dad and Raising Hope is hesitant towards gays and lesbians. If I have to keep enduring the kisses and touches of Finn and Rachel every 5 minutes in an episode I’m going to be pissed.

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    Heee Brittany’s look at Sugar’s party reminded me of Bomb Girls too. (Then I thought “why am I watching this and not Bomb Girls? Bomb Girls has more lesbians per capita and less Finn.”)

    Also I love Hiram and Leroy and Jeff Goldblum should probably just be in everything.

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    can i just say that as i’ve been waiting for this recap, i’ve had to suffer through all the other boring crappy ones.
    where else can i get belly laughs from the picture captions alone?
    “HE WROTE THAT USING ROMI KLINGER’S LIPSTICK”
    hilarious and genius.
    thanks for doing these.

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    HAR. Sidenote, that statistic is not true (about 1 in 10 peeps being gay). That’s what I thought, too, Riese. Isn’t the (roughly) correct stat: 1 in 10 people are LGBT?

    Also, I love how you always reference your Jewishness, Riese. Personal sidenote: I remember you once said somewhere that you’re of Jewish and Native American descent? Well, I found out the other day that I am, too. And I said to mom as we were walking through the Bay Area, one of my favorite writers has the same ancestry, mom. She lives just over there in Oakland. You know, that stop that we saw when we were on the BART? So, yes. There ya go. :)

    I much preferred this episode to previous episodes. Loved Rachel’s Dads. I thought Amber Riley’s version of IWALY was beautiful. I ship Samcedes now. I find Tina and Mike to be cloyingly sweet. It’s like ‘Dude, we get it, you’re in love.’ They’re just a little too cutesy for my taste. Sugar was hilarious. Btw, was anyone else a little weirded out by Figgins saying he’d much rather see Brittana kissing as opposed to “that so-called Finchel?” I get he was trying to be supportive and stuff but it was just kind of strange to me.

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    I actually enjoyed this episode, the cute moments with Sanatan and Brittany and Sugar Motta being all kinds of awesome again and finally seeing Rachel’s dads. I want to see a spin off of the hijinks Hiram and Leroy go through to break up Rachel and Finn.

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    I have had the very same double standards talk! I went to a catholic high school / sixth form college and despite seeing hetero couples kiss all the time me and my girlfriend were told that they had, had complaints and that there was a ‘no touching policy’ me and my girlfriend have to go back there next month to pick up our A level certificates and although im usually not one for over the top PDA’s I may make an exception for this lol.
    Also major props for the ‘but im a cheerleader’ reference.

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    everything except the brittana parts were sooo boring!

    also this “”WE ALL LOVE POP CHIPS!” The children exclaim, and then they all throw food in each other’s faces and die” made me laugh so hard and reminded me of that part in wizard people, dear reader when the narrator is like “harmony is dead” when really something completely different is happening. anyone know what i’m talking about?

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        Lima is just a mid-size town of about 39,000 (as of the 2010 census). It is a blue collar town, where most of the jobs are in manufacturing or at the oil refinery. There is no such things as Lima Heights, so no one can go “Lima Heights adjacent”. I definitely wouldn’t qualify it as being a GLBT friendly town in any way. Although I do think it is getting better in that regard. There are still a ton of bible thumpers here though. It probably should not annoy me, but I’ve got to wonder if the writers have ever even been to Lima.

        On the glass half full side, our mayor joined mayors from more than 100 other cities in signing a nonbinding pledge to support marriage rights for same-sex couples. At the very least, I hope that shows like Glee can open up some people’s eyes here.

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    Is it sad that I really don’t care about britanna?( I feel like such a bad lesbian..) I mean I love Santana but it just seem like Brittany is just coasting along. I really want to hear what she is feeling in this relationship, because at this point I just see the love. I Santana’s love but all I really see from Brittany is friendship…Also can we give a slow clap to Mercedes for being the first person on glee to actually feel bad about cheating? I really liked how sam/Mercedes relationship is being developed.

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    Now that I’ve calmed down, lemme just say, this recap was BRILLIANTLY hilarious as always. Especially with the whole Pop Chip thing. What the fuck was that!? lmao

    I nearly passed out after Quinn said “Oh, I guarantee you have”, and then began shouting at my computer screen when she started rattling off the hypocrisies in the Bible and that Jesus never said anything. I mean. Can she be any gayer? With her conservative family background, baby girl’s been reading a lot to reconcile her feelings with her faith. The gayest moment of Quinn. Just. Omigod. I still can’t get over this whole week.

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    Great recap!

    I think Dave dropped more than $5.99 — the gorilla suit purchase or rental, the 1 lb. box of Sees ($16.50), probably 1-2 of the “good” (i.e, overpriced) Hallmark or AG cards(s), probably $3.99 each? He really went all out.

    And nothing wrong with having a blanket — my sis had hers till she was 30 (it disintegrated).

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    I don’t mean to be a total asshole, but is it just me or can Amber Riley (Mercedes) totally not act? I mean, she can pull off the humorous stuff okay, but whenever she becomes emotional, I cringe. And while her voice is incredible and she sang the shit out of “I Will Always Love You,” I started hysterically laughing when she broke up with Shane, who basically just sat there looking like a leaking blob.

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    Normally I have a lot of shit to talk all throughout every single episode of Glee.

    But true facts, when Mercedes was singing I Will Always Love You, you could’ve heard a pin drop in my house because I was so quiet, I don’t think I was even breathing.

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