Glee 308 Recap: Hold On To Sixteen And Your Lunch As Long As You Can

Hello and welcome to another episode of Glee, a show about boys and the girls who dance behind them. This week Glee was mercifully jam-packed with musical numbers, leaving little room for Finn, Artie, Mr. Schuster, Irish Breakfast, Jacob Ben-Getoutofmyface, Mike Chang and every adult character besides Sue to speak.

Three pieces of business before we begin:

1. I know I’ve introduced and perpetuated the concept of Finn being a lesbian, but I’m sorry to say the man is now a Hasbian, which is a term I hate in every single context besides the one I’m inventing right now which is the “Finn is a Hasbian” context.

2. Finn is now officially a member of my own personally assembled League of Unnecessary Characters With Excessive Screen Time Despite Audience Apathy. Here, I made this graphic for you (ALL BY MYSELF!) of everyone else I’d like off my television set:

3. We need a shipper name for Will & Finn, The Dynamic Duo of the Daytona Speedway. Our options are (with source of suggestion in parentheses):

Schinn splints (@BisHilarious)
The good ship ‘Dork’n’Pork (@midnightfeeling)
Fisting (@therealchipster)
WiFi (@kd_15)
Win (@heathereileen)
Schunn (@e1e0r)
Schwinn (@lindsayeanet)
Hudster (@dorothysnarker)
Fill (@dorothysnarker)
WE SUCK (@dorothysnarker)

 Thoughts/feelings?

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We open — where else? — in the haughty hallways of McKinley High, where Rachel’s gathering her homework and the seventeen folders required to execute said homework. Rachel tells Quinn and Quinn’s wicker hat that Quinn is more than welcome to solicit singing lessons from Rachel during this hard dark time.

once upon a time i was falling in love / now i'm only falling apart

Quinn doesn’t need lessons, because she’s a cyborg replicant killer from outer space with a plan to out Shelby & Puck’s affair to the Principal of Flexible Principles and thereby get Shelby fired. This’d clearly provide an opportunity for Quinn to snatch up the unsupervised Troubletones’ voices and trap them in a jar, a la The Little Mermaid.

Rachel’s unimpressed:

Rachel: “First of all, Puck is 18. so what he and Shelby are doing, even though it’s just wrong and so gross, is not illegal, so all you’re doing is you’re getting her fired, which is going to take away her income to provide food and clothes and put a roof over her child’s tiny little blonde head… Beth loves her mom. Shelby is her real mom. You’ve done a lot of really bad things, Quinn, but if you tell people about Shelby and Puck, you’ll ruin this little girl’s life and then you’ll have really hit rock-bottom.”

Where Quinn comes from, there’s no rock-bottom, only rocky cliffs of horror, like Rocky Horror:

Smear to the Glee Clubhouse, where Finn is playing Pinky to Will’s Brain, except totally not funny and slightly off-putting. Bla bla bla sectionals we’ll loose bla bla what will we sing blooblah bla bla gahhh.

but then i tried preparation-h, and i haven't looked back

NEXT!

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Blaine, dressed like my grandfather who died in 1989 and seriously did have that sweater, is drinking coffee out of paper cups with his male lover, Kurt, who is dressed like Hellen Keller in a flip-flopped collar-and-gemstone garment.

So, SURPRISE!, Kurt’s still freaking out how he and Rachel won’t get into NYADA and they’ll be forced to wile away their lives doing summer stock (a perfectly respectable job) and swilling java at The Lima Bean. Blaine is absolutely no help at all, whining that New Directions is a hot mess not dressed for success.

Kurt’s got nothing to live for, which is so cute and seventeen of him, but MAY I JUST SUGGEST Kurt, that you schedule an AUDITION with NYADA, ’cause that’s what matters most — and MAY I ALSO MENTION Kurt, Kurt! Kurt. Kurt listen to me — there are other schools. It’s not like NYADA vs. Jamba Juice, it could be NYADA vs. CCM or UofM or about 100 other schools with decent-to-fantastic musical theater programs. And Kurt. KURT ARE YOU LISTENING? No school — not a one — no school IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE will care whether or not your Glee Club wins Sectionals. Not even Julliard. That is completely fucking stupid.

I feel like Ryan Murphy was homeschooled. Blaine says this:

Blaine: “Every time I open my mouth, Finn gives me these looks like, ‘What does he think he’s doing?’ I know what I’m doing.”

Anyhoo, it’s time for the Gillin (Gay Villan), Sebastian, who slithers in to the Petulant Lovers Pod to shake things up.

i just realized i've completely forgotten that kurt and blaine had sex

When Blaine excuses himself to get more imaginary coffee, Kurt dives right in to Gillin, paws out:

Kurt: “I don’t like you.”
Sebastian: “Fine. I don’t like you either.”

Kurt:“I don’t like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don’t like your smirky little meerkat face. I don’t like your obnoxious CW hair. I’m onto you.”
Sebastian: “Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine’s too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a hard-luck case of the gay face, and it ain’t me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I’ll have Blaine, and a Nationals trophy, and you’ll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron, and that gay face.”
Kurt: “You smell like craigslist.”

specifically, "misc romance"

BRAVO, Kurt. Bravo!

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Finn has convinced Will that a fourteenth baby-faced boy singer is all New Directions needs to win, and thus he and Rachel are tracking down Sammy Boy at one of rural Kentucky’s many male-staffed women-targeted strip clubs, which Rachel believes, for some reason, to be dinner theater.

Moments after entering, “White Chocolate” is called to the stage. It’s Sam, duh, Sam and his abs and his penis and his Bieber hair and his trouty mouth, wooing the Ladies Who Lunch until they empty their pocketbooks. Rachel lurches to the orchestra pit to give Sam a dollar and get his attention.

wow so, that's what a guy who can actually dance looks like

We then segue to White Chocolate’s Fancy Dressing Room, where Rachel and Finn trot out old tropes about strippers while shaming Sam for taking this lucrative job — a job he seemingly enjoys, too — which enables him to support his family. Seemingly they feel he’s “throwing his life away” in that outfit and would be better off at his old job, selling overpriced ice cream for $6 an hour so the CEO of  International Dairy Queen, Inc, can buy another yacht, which isn’t exploitative at all.

it's a bitch of a living, ray-ray, it's a bitch of a living

Regardless, Sam’s not old enough legally to be an exotic dancer regardless so I will restrain from my eloquent tirade regarding Finn and Rachel’s disappointing dialogue in this section. So, Sam’s quickly convinced to drop whatever random education situation he’s currently enrolled in and return to Lima, live with Rachel and/or Finn, and help Glee Club win sectionals.

wow these two are still giant stalkers

Cut to Sam taking Finn and Rachel to his home via a fenced-in-lawn vaguely reminiscent of Ryan Atwood’s place in Chino. Once inside the home, however, we’re in a wonderland of shiny kitchen appliances and appropriate mood lighting and in the presence of very attractive parents who look like they invented soap or something.

i love what you've done with the fruit bowl

Sam’s parents cut him loose and we’re off to The Glee Clubhouse, where the gang’s whining about global warming and the possibility of losing Best Jam at the 4-H Fair.

if i had to balance this school's budget, my first action would be to rid this room of its excessive unused chairs

Of course the prospect of losing sectionals is ripe on everyone’s brain. “I know for a fact that we’re going to win at sectionals,” says Quinn like a total crazy person, pacing in her imaginary foreign hellscape of sinister baby-shaking terror.

But before the team can adequately assess the power of Quinn’s voodoo, Finn & Will arrive with Homeless Sam, who tells the class he “lost his way” but “true friends help you find the way back,” which, again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER.

Sam launches into “Red Solo Cup,” which I’d never heard prior to this episode, and almost immediately Finn sings/shouts “1-2-3″ like Sam the Eagle on tranquilizers, causing me to throw up everything I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. Later, a wayward “GOD NO!” from Finn’s jowly jowls will assault my sensibilities and hurl me into an endless coma.

Often Glee Club impromptu dance numbers are a fascinating peek into the psyches of these dynamic children, who all seem to have their very own idea of how one celebrates the song in question, in this case, “Red Solo Cup.”

So basically; Quinn’s obliviously hopping around on her toes with her poofy skirt like a pretty girl at a garden party. Artie’s pumping his arms maniacally into the air like he’s surrounded by drunk college students on a Football Saturday, Irish Breakfast is moving his limbs in a pattern reminiscent of a really enthusiastic fan of Newfound Glory at his first Vans Warped Tour, Mike’s actually performing a mime act in Cirque De Soliell over in his GapKids-Wardrobed Section of the Room and Finn is lumbering around like a self-centered smarmy high school senior from hell named Finn.

"kurt is yet again the voice of the people" - intern grace

Meanwhile Blaine’s up for Solo cups ’cause Blaine’s up for everything and Kurt is mouthing “what are you doing?” in this super couple-y cute way that makes them seem real. As if Kurt could ever overpower the power of Blaine’s desire to open his eyes real big and bop his head back and forth. And then — HARK! A VISITOR?

WHO IS IT?

NO, not Jesus! Santana! She’s kicking off the episode with a speech she wrote in anticipation of Sam’s return:

don't cry for me, finn and tina, the truth is i never left you

Santana: “I just heard the news Trouty Mouth is back in town. I’ve been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher, where young mothers place their infants head in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back, I haven’t seen a smile that big since the Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.”
Sam: “I love you too, Santana.”

Sam, who’s always been kinda the best guy of them all, can take a joke and embraces his old friend:

more play than brittany's gotten today

Oh also:

intern grace wanted to share this concept with you

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Back in the Haute Hallways of McKinley Technical Institute, Quinn reminds us both that Sam and Mercedes dated for a scorching hot minute last season and that Mercedes is now “with boyfriend.” Now that Sam’s returned from the dateless vortex of his prior life, he probably wants Mercedes back but won’t get her back and therefore Quinn thinks he should be with Quinn, because Quinn is desperate and sad.

I think all Quinn really wants is power over something. Anything.

you smell like match.com

Quinn informs Sam she’ll be getting her baby back baby back baby back shortly, ’cause if the scent of desperation didn’t already win Sam over, the prospect of caring for yet another child certainly will.

Bring ‘er home, Sam:

Sam: “Quinn, you’ve got what I call rich #whitegirlproblems. It’s a tough world out there, I know, I’ve been through it. But we only get one senior year. Enjoy it. You know that song ‘Jack and Diane’ by John Mellencamp? My favorite line is this one: ‘Hold onto 16 as long as you can.”

He walks off, leaving Quinn there to think long and hard about how to hold onto sixteen when she’s actually already seventeen. (Sidenote I found the usage of “white girl problems” delightful)

#whiteboywritingproblems

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Oh by the way, that same Mike/Dad subplot is playing out for the third time, and it’s a pretty much identical arc to the first two times, so I won’t bore you with it. Instead I will bore you with THIS:

just one thumb in the butt, blaine, you gotta start him out easy

So back in Glee Club, everybody’s wicked riled up and whiny about who will be sent to the reaping. Will says something motivational and obvious, Blaine does a little hop-step, and then Sam thrusts his genitals in the air ’cause you can take the boy out of the strip club, but you can’t take the strip club out of the boy. Sam says the best way to win is to be sexy, which has already been suggested and carried out by the Glee Club seventeen thousand times in prior episodes.

AND then an eel died on puck's head

Blaine: “We don’t have to resort to that. It’s cheap. It’s selling out.”
Sam: “I came back here to win. When you’re desperate, sometimes you gotta use your assets in order to get back the advantage. This…” – [COCKTHRUST] “–is the advantage.”
Blaine: “Of course that’s what you think; you have to think that in order to sleep at night.”

Oh, all those nightmares Sam had about making a lot of money by dancing in his underpants.

Sam: “What the hell does that mean?”
Blaine: “It means. That I’m not for sale.”

Oh, neat. Now I hate Blaine. NEXT!

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Blaine’s getting all Eye of the Meerkat with the punching bags when Finnstein arrives, because he is all powerful and on an Odyssey of Redemption.

look, i told you already, finn, i'm not your chemistry experiment, i'm a person, go take your bi-curiosity elsewhere

Finn: “Is that Sam’s face?”
Blaine: “Yup. Yours, too. Don’t act so surprised. After getting bullied so much, I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of Fight Club, which I obviously can’t talk about–“

Har har.

Blaine: “…what is your problem with me, anyway? Ever since I got here you’ve given me nothing but crap.”
Finn: “Honestly, dude, I was kind of jealous. I felt threatened. Your talent kind of freaked me out. Made me question whether or not I was good enough. Blaine, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jackass to you… With Rachel gone, you’re the most talented, well-rounded member of this team, and now more than ever we need to be on the same page. United.”
Blaine: “Tell me what you need me to do.”

So jazzed for Finn’s Redemption, the story of an enormous terrible boy who enjoyed layering polo shirts and admitted he was jealous and Blaine made him question whether or not he was good enough, but apparently not hard enough ’cause I think Finn still thinks he’s good.

the redemption of st.finn

 

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Then Sam tries to get Mercedes back and Tina tries to get Mike’s Dad back for Mike and they both fail.

listen, you thought i was sexy before, just wait til you see me in glitter

Let’s skip to the part where Tina’s confronting Mike’s Dad at his Serious Office, pulling shit out of the sky like, “He’s gonna spend the rest of his life doing something he hates, dying inside.” Basically, Mike’s gonna die inside at Stanford, or die outside dancing on a street corner. JK, I bet he’d get lots of dancing jobs on TV shows and in ipod commercials.

Anyhow, enough about him, I’d like to talk about Brittany. It seems like when the dancing starts, there’s no more Brittany, it’s just Heather Morris, being an infinitely more skilled and talented dancer than anyone up there besides Mike, and it’s rarely (if ever) addressed. It’s just implicitly known. 

Glee’s always obsessed over every child’s special snowflake talent — the thing that makes them SO exceptional — and wouldn’t Brittany’s character be so much more fleshed out if her Step it Up 3-D skills were given the same attention as tertiary Mike Chang’s? She may be stupid, but I bet you a million bucks she could snag a gig dancing backup for Beyoncé at a major awards show.

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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1764 articles for us.

106 Comments

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    I’d also like to comment that I was offended by Sam’s dismissive comment of Quinn having #richwhitegirlproblems. Getting pregnant by a guy who plied you with alcohol and LIED about protection, getting kicked out of your home by your parents without any thought, bouncing between friends’ homes until the baby is born and then given away, struggling to hold onto any semblance of a good relationship while trying to maintain your popularity when nobody gives a shit about you, repeatedly being told that you’re selfish, crazy, disappointing, and someone who is not worth caring about. Right, totally. I didn’t realize #richwhitegirlproblems meant losing everything you held dear in your life and spinning out of control with no one to help you. Thanks for the sympathy, Riese. I’m a little disappointed with that one.

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      um, right, but this is glee, and in glee all that exists is what just happened. Quinn approached him because she wants a new boyfriend and also she is scheming to ruin shelby’s life, who adopted beth and is a great mother, in order to get the baby back, for unclear reasons — a ridiculous subplot that i thought we all agreed was bullshit and wanted to be over. i never thought of it as ‘whitegirlproblems’ but when he said that, i laughed. i’ll take laughter where i can get it.

      i get your backstory, those aren’t #richwhitegirlproblems, what you say is true explained that way and i’d be a heartless asshole to see it otherwise. i don’t think i’m as invested in quinn as you are, is all. neither of us is wrong or right. i’m just not there with these characters anymore, which is why i generally don’t recap the entire episode, but i thought i’d give it a whirl and uh, guess i won’t be doing that again. i’m really hanging in there for santana and rachel and often kurt and trying to figure them out, but the rest of these kids — i’m completely fucking lost. the first season is a really distant memory to me.

      you’re filling in a lot of holes for them and giving the writers a LOT of credit, and that’s your prerogative, but to say — seriously, AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER — that you’re “disappointed” in me and “thanks for the sympathy” because i haven’t constructed the same character sketch as you have is really fucking disappointing to me. why is it a big deal? yes, i could patch all the pieces together and find a way to fit all of the evidence into a reasonable facsimile of an actual human being but I don’t feel like the writers did that, and I’m not doing that for them. don’t read my recaps for insight on quinn.

      my number one feeling about each episode of glee is “all we have is now” and right now she’s trying to get someone fired to get her baby “back” from its adoptive mother, which is really shitty. really, i guess, whatever.

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        Well, my disappointment mainly lies in the fact that it’s yet another example of the boys going “Oh girl, you be crazy LOL” on Glee, because that’s what it was. Just another little moment in a long list of bullshit patriarchal moments. Nobody has ever said to Finn: “Dude, you be trippin’ with your #whiteboyproblems”. If Sam had said something more along the lines of “#firstworldproblems LOL” then I’d agree with it, but singling her crazy as a “girl” problem is what pissed me off. And I’m sure you and I can agree on that.

        (Pax. I still worship you so don’t worry I ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK)

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    Riese, I just want to thank you for recapping this bullshit. I think of you each episode because 1) I’m a creepy internet stalker, and 2) I would never, ever want to recap this nightmare. (except the Adele mashup. I’d recap that all night long.)

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    The New Directions performance was so boring, Riese. So boring. The song choices were boring, the choreography was boring, the arrangements were boring, and also I hate Finn’s face. I’m actually glad you liked it, though. It’s always good when you can derive entertainment from something that should be entertaining in the first place.

    Also also, I don’t know why the Troubletones graphics are so pixel-y, but I refuse to watch this episode again so I can fix them.

    Errant apostrophe in a plural noun helpfully removed by riese, with love

    Eye roll helpfully added by Intern Grace, with love

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    To expand that is to say that we all have different senses of humor and I am not going to wave my blind person flag (though I am going to point out that HK was an incredible woman who did more than most people have even an inkling of and I hate seeing her reduced to a cheap gag) and proclaim how offended I am or whatever, because it’s important to have a sense of humor about ourselves and not be grim and doom about everything that’s off color, but when there’s at least one thread in most articles where we all have to figure out what language is offensive and isn’t and we have to come down super hard on someone for how they interact with the world or what have you it stings to see that joke. I mean, the people that I’ve seen get skewered around here usually have some variation of I didn’t mean it that way/I’m being funny/can we just talk about my point please, so I am just saying preach it and practice it.

    Unless I am just reading it wrong? Also totally possible.

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    I didn’t mind the episode too much. What really pissed me off was all that twitter shit you linked at the end. I watched all of that happen and what made it worse is that Ali Adler pretty much spent the entire day on twitter yesterday saying the same thing those douche nozzles did. And she’s the damn lesbian writer! Honestly wtf?

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    Great recap. Btw Riese that dance that the Troubletones did is called Waacking which is a dance style most commonly danced in gay clubs and in the Latino and African American communities. Also, it was most likely an ode to Priscilla Queen of the Desert cause of the famous ‘I Will Survive’ performance in that great Australian movie. My parents loved the Troubletones’ performance.

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    So last week remember how I said I watched the whole episode with the “DX” expression? Similarly, this week I realized every time Finn came on screen I made the “>:(“, aka a frown-y grimace. I think this proved that the one thing Glee is really good at is creating characters I am emotionally involved with. Like remember how much I like Brittany and Santana? Well it’s like the for Finn, except every time I see him on screen, I feel a little bit of rage bubble up.

    I think that’s pretty impressive, because honestly, I’m not an angry person! I like feeling happy, and in real life I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time when a show introduces a villain, I am either bored by them, or I end up rooting for them like Spike, Callisto, or whomever the bad people are in Twilight. Whatever.

    But the writers of Glee did the impossible, they created a character that’s very existence can enrage me! So good job Glee. Way to alienate me as a viewer, and make me angry every time I see Wonderboy Saint Finnicus. It’s to the point that I’m not sure it’s even worth it to see the Brittana arc play out. I feel like there’s nothing to look foreword to, especially if they keep writing it like last week’s episode. Also, from what I’ve read from the writers on the subject, it certainly doesn’t sound like they filmed any Brittana kisses if they weren’t even aware that a neck nuzzle =/= a kiss. Oh no, now I think I’m angry AND sad. WHY GLEE WHY?!

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    Troubletones got robbed, y’all. Just sayin.

    And the second-to-last thing I need in the world, just before Rick Perry running ANYTHING except a Bigoted Hypocrite Douchebags Anonymous group, is “more country”. When Red Solo Cup came on, I left to make myself a verrry strong drink (in a grown-up mug instead of a Solo cup).

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    Did anyone else’s heart actually skip a little bit when Santana and Brittany started dancing with each other? I was like, oh shit, this is supposed to be what’s happening right now! Don’t get me wrong, I have to give credit where credit is due. I’m very happy for the plots involving gay issues with people who are honestly proud of it and have their own stories. That’s awesome, especially in a high school setting. However, I just get so bummed out whenever I see the opportunity for Santana and Brittany to really begin their relationship just pass before us each week.

    I think it’s so important that they explore this topic of Santana and Brittany. It’s very rare that a girl of color get represented as a lesbian in tv today let alone actually be a lesbian and not sleep with other men in the process. As if men can somehow push us one way or the other. I was feeling so optimistic for Santana’s episode, how they decided to explore her whole process. And it would be cool to dive a little more into Brittany’s thought process about the whole thing. She seems so comfortable with it all, not even cleaving to any labels. I feel like that is how our generation tends to be these days, accurate depiction.

    Anyhow, Riese, I agree with you about trying to consider schools closer to Ohio. I think it’s funny that they never even mention Michigan; a school right up Rachel and Kurt’s alley. Rachel for the competitive and sometimes uptight atmosphere that UofM tends to have and the overall acceptance and progressiveness that is Ann Arbor. Also, our musical theatre program is incredible. Hahaha, maybe I’m biased. I’ve got mad love for my school.

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      yes i suggested university of michigan in an earlier recap and in this recap I re-drafted a list of schools in the midwest with strong theater programs and then decided maybe nobody was as preoccupied with this college situation. BUT I CONCUR. actually also i went to michigan, and grew up in ann arbor.

      and yes we’re obsessed with brittany and santana

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    I’ve come to accept the fact that if I am okay with the idea of a show choir where entire bands, choirs, dancers, backup singers and costumes show up out of nowhere, then I can accept most of the other nonsensical stuff.
    Are we really supposed to believe that Sue gets away with what she does the and says? Or Santana? That Brittany is REALLY that dumb? Nope. Why do we like it? ‘Cause it’s fucking funny, that’s why.
    I’ve also come to accept the fact that Riese’s recaps are hilarious and that she hates Finn. Even her hatred of Finn has become enjoyable.
    And I remember that this show is categorized as a comedy. And that a significant portion of their audience are teenagers, specifically teenage girls. A lot of teenage girls love big goofy football star boy heroes. A lot of lesbians can’t understand this, myself included.
    Do they do a better job with the music and comedy than they do most times with the drama? Absolutely. They’ve done the best job so far with Kurt. Much of the rest has been sloppy and even mawkish at times.
    Despite the problems, I still love the music, the dancing, the pretty, pretty faces. Yes, I can be shallow like that. I love the insanity of Sue and Santana’s insults, the special, special world Brittney lives in, Rachel’s almost ruthless pursuit of stardom and the endless fashion amusement and cuteness overdose that is Kurt and Blaine.

    I can forgive a lot when I need to.

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      This sums up my feelings exactly… I love Glee. I LOVE Santana and Britney. I want my very own pocket sized Kurt and Finn is sometimes obnoxious as fuck… but at the same time. It’s all funny. That’s why I love Glee. The little gems of moments that are Sugar’s faces, Finn’s dumbassery as a teenage boy, and Santana/Britney moments. When you don’t get bogged down on the little (and sometimes big) stuff it’s a much more enjoyable show. Was Finn outing Santana awful and heart-wrenching and under-criticized on the show? Absolutely. Was it unfortunately realistic and painful. Definitely. Glee is what it is. Hilarious and sometimes awful but the moments of reality (both incredibly painful and sometimes wonderful and beautiful) bring to me a greater appreciation for the show. Finn outing Santana was painful because of how relevant and real it was. If everything had gone perfectly with Santana’s coming out it would have awful. Conflict is what makes great television (and theatre and film for that matter), and without that it wouldn’t have been so real. Another moment in particular that struck me as being beautifully real was the “Dog Days Are Over” number. The whole scene felt so real for some reason, the characters felt like real high school students to me. And even when those moments are far and few in between, they are wonderful and precious and make the show worthwhile.

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      Well said! Glee definitely has some hlarious moments. I too love hearing Santana and Sue’s quips. They are too clever! Even the other characters have funny lines…I remember when Coach Beist was eating that turducken in the I Kissed a Girl Episode, Emma said to her, “what is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying”? and I just cracked up. moments like that….awesome! lol

      And I do think that most of the actors and actresses play their characters superbly. :-)

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    So I thought I caught something at the end but no one else seemed to notice. I’ve been watching Britney these past couple of episodes and like girlfriend really isn’t saying much – but I think she said it ALL in the last scene. When Santana reached to take her hand in the bathroom, Britney hesitated!! Maybe I am reading too much into but it seems to me Britney is just not that into Santana, and they are going to break them up.

    I may be reading too much into it…this show is not that complicated…

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      Fans were tweeting Gloria Estefan after she made the announcement that she’s playing Santana’s mom, and Gloria made the mistake of mentioning that Santana might not be happy with Brittany. Cue fandom shitstorm. But yes, it’s interesting that even the body language between them isn’t the same as it was recently, so you might not be the only one reading into something…

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      I noticed that, too, but I’m really torn on how much I should read into it. Narratively speaking, breaking up Santana and Brittany at this point does not seem like a logical progression – not after their incredibly drawn-out, up-and-down, and fairly developed story line over the past seasons. It also seems like a poor choice (narratively and otherwise) seeing as Santana’s plot line right now focuses on her coming out/finally working toward happiness.

      Not to mention that a huge percentage of the Glee fandom would probably throw themselves off a cliff/kill the writers in the night if they broke them up.

      On the other hand, it’s Glee, and I don’t have much faith in the writers, so I am slightly worried.

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    Accurate summary of the main—sometimes only—thought I muster while watching Glee: “which, again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER”

    Said thought is mostly directed at my own shitty self, as in: “I’m watching Glee again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER; I guess I’ll just keep listening, and fast forwarding, and half-watching while clipping my nails, and rewinding to fully watch some parts I like, and reading the recap, and commenting on it, and reading other comments, and repeating the pattern when the next episode comes around.” Just a real shitty self, the one I got, I tell you.

    Also: The throw-up situation escalating was the funniest thing since [something reallyyy funny I couldn't come up with]. Well done.

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    if possible, i thought this week’s episode was even worse than last week’s. first of all, the troubletones KILLED IT with i will survive/survivor and i’m totally with grace, the new directions were so boring. and wow, surprise, they won! ’cause they’re the underdogs! duurrrr

    can santana and mercedes just sings songs together for 45 minutes instead next week

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    I would LOVE a Finn-Free episode, I mean really EVERY episode gimme a break he’s not that awesome.
    That whole “Quinn is gonna get her baby back is 1) more implausible than usual and 2) utterly ridiculous, when did Quinn become baby hungry and crazy.
    “Red Solo Cup” so a retread of Britt’s “My Cup”, so no Glee writers we haven’t forgotten about Brittney’s awesome, even though you probably wish we would.
    Please, please fix Puck’s hair.
    Why did the TT’s have one song and ND three, very boring, very uninteresting songs? And please leave Michael and Janet out of your shenanigans.
    And last but most important why, oh why do Klaine and whatever Rachel and Finn are called, get to kiss, walk down the hall together etc and Brittana not? You made them a couple, they should act like it, they were more affectionate before they got together. Even though, no they did not kiss.
    I am so starting to wish I’d continued to ignore Glee, instead of renting it one weekend in October.

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      It’s true! Finn is doing wayyyyy too much in these recent episodes. Yes! I noticed that too, just wrote a comment and mentioned it was unfair for ND to have 3 songs vs 1 like every other group.

      Ahhhh! You’ve noticed Puck’s hair too! Almost thought i was imagining it, what is up with that?

      I would love to see Brittana more affectionate w/ each other, but in reality, they aren’t a couple. :-( They are just two really close friends who happen to snuggle and fool around with each other, and it means something for one of them, Santana. Not saying that Brittany doesn’t care for Santana, she just seems less interested in it romantically. She merely goes with the flow.

      They acted most like a couple in that one episode where they were at Breadsticks and Santana asked Brittany to hold her hand, under the napkin. But there’s never been a real commitment to the romantic relationship, like there is between Kurt and Blaine. Kurt and Blaine talked about it and are actually together, but we’ve seen nothing like that between Brittany and Santana.

      It is sad, but I don’t even see them together! More often than not things are pretty lukewarm between them, and remember the Adele mash-up they did? I wonder if at the end, when Mercedes and Santana are singing the last two lines (“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”) and we see Santana’s face, and how it’s pained, and Brittany’s face, and it is even more pained, if that is foreshadowing an end to whatever semblance of a romantic relationship they have together. Guess we will see!!! tear to brittana!

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        Isn’t it frustrating, the way they’re presenting Brittany and her (lack of) feelings for Santana? What happened to her progression in Season 2 (“With feelings it’s better”; “Clearly you don’t love you as much as I love you”; “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody else in this world”; “I’m so yours, proudly so”; her desire to sing a Melissa Etheridge duet together; her plans to ask Santana to prom; her heartbroken expression when Santana said she was “soulmates” with Karofsky, etc.)? What happened to all that?

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    enjoyed this recap immensely! i always appreciate riese’s sexual references, esp. regarding brittany and santana, who are apparently the most sexually active students at McKinley (or WERE the most sexual until they became lesbians and content with hugs and handholds).

    also, that not-a-kiss twitter bullshit the other day totally destroyed my mood and unleashed a ridiculous amount of rage. it is truly disgusting how much this godawful show affects my mental well-being.

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        Hilarious! :-) it’s like the old Barney episodes where one of the kids would start singing a random song then next thing you know everybody joined in with complete kowledge of the song and dance moves! lol

        Is “Lex” your name or s it short for your full name? Just wondering because I go by lex sometimes too and my name is really Alexia. :-)

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    K…so did anyone else find it unfair that New Directions got to sing three songs and every other group sang one? How did that happen and how was that ok? I thought there was going to be some kind of twist where they were going to get disqualified or something but go figure, they won…

    It was nice to see though, that the singing and dancing was pretty equally distributed when they performed. Rachel wasn’t the lead singer for any of the songs, which was surprising. The new mash-up was good, but I have a special place in my heart for the Rumor Has It/Someone Like You mashup. :-)

    Does anyone else notice how off-center Puck’s mohawk is? Is this intentional or is it just me? because every time he appears in a scene, I cringe at the way his mohawk is off to the side. um….they need to fix that.

    Call me a cynic but I can’t take some of this crazy shit. Ok, so trouty mouth was working as a male dancer, when he’s still highschool age, and then Rachel and Finn can pose an intervention and just bring him back to mckinley high? hm….. ok….. i suppose i just have to “suspend my disbelief”, as my bestie always tells me when we watch this show. same with pretty little liars. i like the show but man A makes me sick. How can he/she be omnipresent, omniscient, etc. it’s just not even possible!

    Loving these recaps, can’t wait for the next!

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      I think we were supposed to assume that all the groups sang 3 songs, but we only saw all three for the group we’re supposed to be rooting for. That’s the formula they’ve done for competitions in the past, but in those episodes they had other scenes in between each of the other groups performances, where Nude Erections was in the green room backstage, so you knew that performances were going on that you weren’t seeing. This time they had Nude Erections out watching the competition. Dunno why; maybe just sloppy writing?

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    Glee is proof of how stupid our generation is, it isn’t even funny any more its just filling all the stereo types that each character portrays. The writers dont even know how to keep a legitimate story arch, each episode the characters change personalities. It’s just horrible writing all together, I loved the first season, I was okay with the second season, but seriously this season is the shittiest show I have ever watched. I’d rather watch Lifetime, at least they know how to stick to their plot.

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    Ok seriously, Ryan Murphy needs to Read a Fucking Book: and that book should be Fight Club (yeah it’s a book, and its hella better than the movie) cause…..Ryan? are you listening?…they become freakin’ terrorists! Blaine becoming a terrorist may be an interesting break from the banality that is Glee, but I don’t think The Parents would like that

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    I kinda enjoyed this episode (mainly for all the Faberry reasons), but Troubletones should have won. I still can’t believe they got Idina back on the show and didn’t explore the Shelby/Rachel relationship, instead they made her sleep with Puck.

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    I don’t really like this review because I feel that the best characters on the show are Finn and Rachel. Finn is not a douchebag theree are just alot of haters. Yes he may do alot of things wrong but he is only human and him and Rachel are the only two characteers on the show who are willing to admit their mistakes. He has apoligized to everyone he has done something wrong to. I have still yet seen Santana apoligize to anyone. So anyway the only reason I watch this show is for Finchel and I love the both of them and thaught the episode was reaaly good.

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    …I actually liked this episode. Well I liked the last ten minutes, the Troubletones performance (ohmahgah they were voguing! It was like Paris Is Burning all over my screen. House of Blatina.), the Control part of ND performance, the Artir part of Man In The Mirror, and the last ten minutes. Oh. I said that. I actually found it kind of sweet. And that was the best showcase of united ND force since Dog Days Are Over, Somebody to Love, Don’t Stop Believin’.

    “Quinn takes 40% of Rachel’s advice and swings by Shelby-Shack to spew additional crazy-ass shit.”

    THIS! I actually laughed tea all over my keyboard because that’s exactly what I thought when Quinn went to go meet with Shelby.

    And speaking of Quinn. She’s had the shittiest problems since like season 1. She was raised middle american Christian Evangelist, she gets pregnant, gets kicked out, hops around like a hobo from friend to friend, tries to recapture her post baby mama glory in all the wrong ways, SHE HAS ZERO FRIENDS, and now she’s all Halle Berry in Losing Isiah. And then also she thinks high school is like end game and that college isn’t an option apparently. Particulary outside of Ohio.

    So I was a lot happy when she took her Prozac/Trilafon cocktail, wore her white dress of sanity, and became “oh yeah I do like you Quinn” again.

    But Yale? I don’t know… Maybe Quinn is also an A student and Yale will note her pregnant/adoption saga as raw material for a budding starlet a la Rachel Berry melo-drams in their renowned theater program? Yep.

    I personally think Vassar is thee PERFECT fit for Quinn La Folle.

    If you can’t tell I’ve grown a soft spot for her because I hate when people struggle and no one cares.

    Now off to Santana!

    I was a Brittana fan for all of two seconds. I’m a huge Santana being lady loving fan, but there are so many reasons her and Brittany don’t work. One being the writers are creating this palpable distance between them even in their intimate finger scisorring scenes. Brit isn’t down for the power of lady love as much as Santana. And although HeMo and Naya are disgustingly cute together off screen as bffls, Naya is more willing to explore saphhic ways via Santana, than Heather. So… just bring in someone else for Santana.

    At this point I’m team bring back Rachel Berry centric episodes because they are not treating the Santana storyline with the same care they did in the 2nd half of season two. There was beautiful nuance then. Now everthing is forced wrongness.

    Who are these writers? I write. I’m applying. I’m a queer POC of the femme variety, so Santana is who I really connected with and these White male gay writers are letting their ignorance show. I mean that in the kindest way possible. Not really.

    But yeah I’m sort of still venting off of last week. This week’s episode I didn’t hate so much.

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    Okay, so I really liked this episode. I thought all of the performances were good (Red solo cup was cute and campy, but by far the weakest). Tina got a HUGE solo which was awesome and one of the few times I’ve actually been able to hear her voice in…actually I can’t remember the last time I heard her. It might have been RockyHorror. Anyways, ABC and Control were my favorites. I Will Survive/Survivor was good, but I agree with several other commenters; a good Show Choir judge would know that when the actual choir isn’t strong only one or two people will be singing and for once New Directions actually DID showcase as many people as they could and deserved to win.

    That said…

    Your review is HILARIOUS!!! I could not stop laughing the entire time. I will now be checking back to see your reviews (if I agree with them or not) every time after Glee! You rock.
    I also would like Finn to suddenly never have speaking lines again. In fact, just give all of his lines to Artie. Better character, WAY better singing voice and even in a wheelchair somehow he’s a better dancer than Finn. The only reason I would keep Finn around is Rachel, he makes a good little background boyfriend to her crazy talent.

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    Also if you’ve read The Symposium you’ll see where I’m going with this.

    Ryan Murphy and his staff write the women so… so basic and one dimensional sometimes.

    And they treat lesbianism like a “hahaha those silly girls can’t even penetrate each other” sort of thing.

    It makes me think of The Symposium and how, I forget which misogynistic philosopher of antiquity was speaking at this point, but he gave three types of love:

    Man/Man
    Man/Woman
    Woman/Woman

    These little old timey R. Murphy’s essentially said the male/female relationship was soley for procreation. The female/female relaionship was silly and a bunch of lecherous girls just enjoying vag with one another (very Lysistrata or Orginal sin Eve. Women are oversexed (seriously?) and men have to keep our hysterics at bay/in check) and that the all mighty MAN/MAN relationship was the most heralded of them all! Pederasty as Pedagogy at it’s finest. As men were clearly naturally erudite and evolved so their intimacy with one another was one step closer to God or something. Because women are stupid. End.

    I’m no misandrist. I’m a damn liberal hippie, so I believe everyone’s connection with someone else is something beautiful, but I HATE that people still think like that. On both sides. I don’t get men who feel this way about women, or women who feel this way about men. And I don’t get heteros who don’t get gays and gays who don’t get heteros. I think it all shows a sad lack of perspective. If you don’t get it, just focus on you and leave everyone else the eff alone.

    So in conclusion. Ryan Murphy is sad.

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    Regarding the League of Unnecessary Characters With Excessive Screen Time Despite Audience Apathy:
    1) I always wished the white brother would have died instead of Clay. This probably makes me a horrible person.
    2) Mohinder was one of my favorite characters in the beginning when he was a sexy “previously on”-er and the cause for the Heroes to come together. Then something terrible happened.

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    Riese, I’m just going to put it out there. You are awesome. This is awesome. All these recaps are awesome. Like, more awesome than the actual show. I mean, I know that’s a pretty low benchmark, but even if Glee was coherent and consistent and good and stuff, these recaps would still be better. Please be my girlfriend?

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    I watch Glee with I Only See The Things I Like goggles. Therefore most of what I see happens in the background. Like Sugar’s reaction to them introducing Tickles the Clown. Or Rachel and Kurt mouthing along to “Buenos Aires.” I also enjoy the one-liners. “You smell like craigslist” is my new favorite insult. Also Finn saying, “I didn’t know Backdraft was a musical” at the strip club made me LOL. Also Trouble Tones. And “We Are Young” (I died at the Pezberry). And Sammy Evans.

    I refuse to pay attention to the plot any more because it just makes me angry during what should be the Adorable People Singing and Dancing Show.

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    …super sorry for monolopolizing this thread.

    But!

    I’ve come to realize I’m no longer angry at Glee!!!

    Yes I think PLL is cooler in the lezzy arc because Emily gets to at least make out with a handful of love interests and we actually saw the mom/daughter coming out relationship (I would have cared more about the santana/abulita scene had they built up that relationship. I wasn’t invested), but… there’s a reason I was so upset with Glee. For a campy show about kids dancing and doing awesome performances with occasional depictions of risque, the show managed to get me ultra invested in the characters.

    I feel like I know them. No seriously. It’s that real for me. Lol.

    Granted it’s eveident Glee doesn’t pride itself on the writing capabilities of Grey’s Anatomy. (I can not watch Grey’s for weeks and watch one episode and be in TEARS. It’s the only show that cans set up the most obvious plotline – surgey, person dies. And even though you KNEW it was going to happen they interweave characters and engage the audience’s pathos so well that you cry in spite of yourself. The differences between Shondra Rhymes and RIB).

    Glee prides itself on being a show about an amazingly talented group of kids that has at least one character that is intensely relateable to someone. It’s the actors! I realize everything I love about the show came pre-packaged with the cast and evthing else was accidental. unscripted nuance.

    The former intamacy between Santana/Britt – all Naya/Hemo.
    Rachel’s humor in spite of herself – Lea Michele.
    Quinn’s cathartic tone that captivates you even though her character went from ice queen to raging loon – Dianna.
    Mike’s dancing – Harry
    Brit’s easy breezy one liners in the beginning – Heather

    Sue – That’s all Jane Lynch.

    So s/o to the producers for incredible casting. I’ll give Glee its credit. And despite everything I still WANT to like the show. And that’s a lot considering I was so frustrated a week a go.

    So I know everyone’s pissed now, but be honest. You’ll watch next week because you’re invested in at least one of the characters. There aren’t many shows that can do that.

    90210 doesn’t have this type of following.

    And the only reason Gossip Girl does is because people read the books, including myself. So I watch because it’s always cool to see book people materialized into real life.

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    I’ve created my own lyrics for “Red Solo Cup” because it was begging for this mockery:

    RED MENSTRUAL CUP
    I FILL YOU UP (WITH BLOOD)
    LET’S HAVE A PARTY
    A MENSTRUAL PARY

    Because seriously, a menstrual party would be better than this shitshow known as Glee.

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    After the emotional damage I incurred watching IKAG, I decided to join the proud chrous of Straddlers who prefer these recaps over anything Ryan Murphy pulls out of his ass. I regret nothing. Thanks for watching for us, Riese!

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    I’m so disappointed that Glee made me not like Blaine. D: But also I really love Kurt in this episode. The Solo cup thing was so bizarre but made so much better by his utter non-participation. Thank you Kurt. :)

    Also I agree about the shaming thing that Finn and Rachel pulled on Sam. That was just really… ugh. Great job being supportive friends. Now he has no job.

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    So, I’ll start this off with the disclaimer that I don’t watch Glee consistently at all- my impressions of this episode are based solely on watching this episode. Also, I do consistently read these re-caps, because they are awesome even if (and maybe better if) you don’t watch the show.

    Here goes: Rachel’s declaration that Quinn should not report Shelby for sleeping with Puck was problematic to me. First, she stated as fact that everything between them was ok because Puck is 18- that’s not true. I don’t mean to say that if an investigation were conducted, Shelby would be guilty. I just mean that adults in positions of power can still abuse the individuals they have power over, even if those individuals have passed the age of 18 (especially if the 18 y/o is in high school). Shelby is still a teacher or faculty of some sort, and Puck is still a student. (The whole adoption issue makes it even more problematic and also, like typical Glee…weird and unrealistic) Maybe an investigation would reveal that she was not in a position of power over Puck, or that she didn’t abuse Puck… but it is totally inappropriate to shame someone from reporting the situation. (I also understand that Quinn did not have pure motivations of a reporter) (and the fact that Puck is played by an actor who is a lot older than his character is distracting…)

    We know that sexual abuse is drastically under-reported. We also know that sometimes it looks like a ‘love story’ to the victim/ individuals involved- abusers aren’t typically scary strangers in white vans, grooming strategies used by abusers are designed to engender trust. In the wake of the abuse at Penn State, many problematic victim blaming/shaming and reporter shaming/ blaming responses have propped up. Given that difficulty reporting and experiencing backlash after reporting are huge problems in our culture and huge problems in abuse prevention, I was particularly sensitive to Glee’s handling of this issue. Rachel came up with a lot of reasons that Quinn shouldn’t get Shelby in trouble; mother of Quinn’s birth child, Puck wouldn’t be happy, etc- none of the reasons to not report suggested that nothing illegal/unethical happened. It wasn’t “Shelby’s actions could get her in trouble and have consequences” (as it should be), it was “by telling on Shelby, YOU would be the cause of problems and consequences.” To me, that is too close to the post-Penn State’s “victims of abuse, by reporting their abuse, cost us a football coach” reaction.

    Maybe in context it wasn’t as bad as it seemed to my very out of context viewing (I did not watch the episodes where the “romance” unfolded, and who takes Glee seriously anyways…)— I still just wish they would avoid asking “should I report to authorities that a teacher in my school is having a sexual relationship with a student?” if they couldn’t have a productive and responsible dialog about it.

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      Actually, in Ohio, it’s illegal for teachers to sleep with students regardless of the age of student, from what I read posted elsewhere. So it wouldn’t matter that Puck was 18. Shelby would still be fired and probably charged with some sort of criminal conduct.

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    I can never really put into words how much better I truly believe Glee would be if it was mainly about awesome sassy lesbians who sing about how amazing it is to be a lesbian in-between making out, fighting for justice, riding unicorns, and reading each other books.

    Basically I want Glee to be a live action version of “hey girl/woman…”. Is that too much to ask?

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