This week's episode was super-long and extra-gay because baby we were born this way. I can barely even remember being born because it's taken me so long to write this recap! I kept thinking "I need to write a really funny recap!" because you know, that's what you're here for, right? Laughter? But as I was writing it I was like, "whoa, this isn't funny" and then I was like "but it's supposed to be funny" and THEN I was like, "maybe I'll microwave a thing and stick it in my mouth and that will somehow make me funnier" and THEN I was like, "FUCK!"
Then I thought 'maybe I should be wearing a zip-up hoodie instead of an over-the-head hoodie' and so I changed and then I thought 'did I break my funny bone the other night when i was drunk/sober?' and then I hung out in downward facing-dog waiting for a joke to emerge from my spiritual center and then I gave up and so now I'm like, "HERE IT IS"
Before we begin, let's count the number of gay people in this show:
1. Kurt Hummel - gay
2. Blaine Warblersmithinsky - gay
3. Dave Karofsky - gay
4. Santana Lopez - lesbian
5. Brittany S. Pierce - bisexual
6. Sandy Ryerson - gay
7. Rachel's Two Dads - gay & gay
8. Finn Hudson - lesbian
Okay, let's begin now.
We open in -- WHERE ELSE? -- in Glee Club.
Will reminds the children that "Vocal Adreniline takes no prisoners," and although the children sang so beautifully at regionals, if somebody were to ask the Glee Club "So You Think You Can Dance?" then somebody else would certainly answer, "No you cannot."
So they must enhance their dance skills. Will calls this "Booty Camp." (Coincidentally, "Booty Camp" was also the title of the porn flick that first introduced Will to the glorious world of anal strap-on sex, which he'll never have with Emma, because let's be real, if it takes her 40 minutes to disinfect an apple, she'd grow old, lose her hair, and die sanitizing an eight-inch stick of purple silicone.)
Only three seconds into Booty Camp; Finn, gangling through the jungle in search of berries & meat, clonks Rachel onto the cold cold heartless floor, breaking her nose.
Cut to the doctor's where Rachel teases us with the prospect of her Two Dads' impending arrival while Finn does his best Gallant to Rachel's Goofus and is just as shocked as we are when a medical professional suggests Rachel get a nose job along with her nose repair.
Rachel's concerned that it might be a little costly -- JUST KIDDING IT'S GLEE WHERE EVERYTHING IS FREE EXCEPT SALTWATER TAFFY AND HANDICAP BUSSES -- Rachel's concerned that a nose job is a stupid idea, because it is. Finn is also adorkably opposed to the idea, but the Doctor presses on, because he is, clearly, an unethical asshole.
We return to one of Glee Club's daily/weekly/hourly emotional processing meetings, in which Rachel floats the idea of a nose job and Santana, who's just escaped communist Russia by snowshoe carrying only the cake-shaped pelt of her pet rabbit and half a bear coat, argues that everyone in the room is ugly and ethnic and needs to change.
Santana's kicking her Brittany-related-desire into high gear with trademark bitchery and it's brilliant. During her litany of "things you've all thought about getting done" she saves a particularly low blow (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) for Artie -- "I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways."
Tina delivers a speech about why magazines make her feel pressured to wear color contacts, Mike mutters "Self-Hating Asian" under his breath, and Finn, who becomes sort of unbearably endearing this episode, says he wishes he could dance better. Don't we all, Finn. Don't we all.
Will, with his vocal intonations ten notches above Captain Kangaroo level, says he's "shocked" that his club of losers & outcasts has such low-self esteem. He pulls this one out of his fortune cookie:
First the saltwater taffy idea and then this? Mr. Shue is out of touch and on Sudafred, probably. Mercedes takes on the burden of breaking it down for him, because that's what Mercedes does:
Mercedes: "At this school... the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit."
How will the children overcome years of insecurity and self-loathing? Through the power of screen-printing and song! They're assigned to sing a song about self-acceptance, wear a t-shirt announcing their insecurity, and top it all off with a group performance of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" because Lady Gaga is "the queen of self-acceptance."
In the hallways, Santana does some Bansky shit...
and then lustfully eyes Brittany, who's with Artie STILL for some reason --
Santana: "I should be prom queen at this school. If I was prom queen I could get Brittany to dump that four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. She's so gullible that I could convince her that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me the law of the land..."
In order to win the crown Santana realizes she needs more than fake tits and a lesbian fan base on tumblr, she also needs a "jock" to get the "jock vote." That's when Karofsky shows up in the hallway, like a giant slab of deli meat carved into the shape of a man:
Santana: "I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar."
I wish I had a little sound file or animated gif with text of Omar Little going "indeed" to play at moments like this.
[Oh also? Santana just came out. So put THAT on your fucking clipboard.]
Later on in some other place, various characters including Mercedes, Santana and the already-cute-together Kurt & Blaine, are chatting about how if New Directions is number one then The Warblers must be number two and they're gonna beat the whoopie out of you/already did.
Much like Santana it's difficult for me to focus on anything happening in this room besides Brittany being with Artie instead of Santana.
When Blaine, being very toppy/protective, says he wouldn't want Kurt back at McKinley because of Karofsky, Santana gets her bright idea for how to win Prom Queen. See Prom Queen is no cakewalk. You can't just "be popular" or "be good looking." You have to do things -- big, complicated, dangerous, sketchy things -- to win. You must scheme and plot and plan and betray.
Santana's plan? Get Kurt back to Glee Club. Then everyone will love her and she'll win over the largest most influential voting block in school -- the nine or ten allegedly unpopular members of Glee Club.
Santana: "I've gotta gay -- go. I've gotta go."
The Prom Queen tiara is being stored in a glass case in the hallway so that young women like Lauren can stare at it wistfully, recalling their toddler pageant days and wondering when they'll ever have another opportunity to stand on a stage in a fancy dress while people cheer.
"There she is," Lauren says, eyeing future prom queen Quinn Fabray, who's postering the school like she's decorating for a baby shower. "A size-two teenage dream."
Puck, the father of that teenage dream's baby, tells Lauren this year is not like other years because this year they will eat unleavened bread and Lauren will be queen. He says this in a really determined voice and he's the oldest guy in school, so that's how we know he's serious.
Rachel takes Quinn with her to the witch doctor to provide an example of the nose she'd like to have and Quinn goes along so that Rachel will vote for her for prom queen.
When the doctor arrives, Rachel almost stumbles on her words calling Quinn a "friend" -- like she's all mixed up and happy inside that Quinn is even going there with her, pretending to be her friend, despite the fact that Rachel probably wouldn't mind if Quinn fell off a cliff and died. Such is the great, deep wells of lesbian love these two have for... Finn.
This leads into a little delightful mashup of "Unpretty" and "I Feel Pretty" that makes me miss TLC/the90s and also the original version of "I Feel Pretty" which goes "I feel pretty and witty and gay!" not "pretty and witty and bright." God this show is so homophobic they won't even say the word gay.
It's frightening that Rachel would want to walk around with Quinn's nose on her face for the rest of her life. She must really really really love... Finn.
Quinn's pissed at Lauren because Lauren's campaign is taking up valuable postering space and what the fuck is she even doing, Quinn must be asking herself, trying to create A VOTE FOR NADER IS A VOTE FOR BUSH situation? Or I mean A VOTE FOR LAUREN IS A VOTE FOR SANTANA? I don't know, are there still actual popular girls at this school? Nobody goes to this school, they're all at Cracker Barrel which is exactly where I'd be if I was in Lima, obviously. You guys I'm hungry. Do they have Boston Market in California? I'm serious.
Quinn, with her trademark icy bitchiness, tells Lauren if she wins that she'll get creamed by pig blood JUST LIKE CARRIE and consequently "become more of an outcast than [she] already [is]."
Lauren: "Oh-kay. I don't know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I'm hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen that's like them."
Quinn: "No, they don't. They want a prom queen who's somebody they'd like to be."
Lauren: "Not everybody can be born pretty like you, but just so you know, who you are inside, and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world? They're two different people."
Quinn: "You don't know anything about me, Lauren, anything. But you know what? You're about to. Because guess what? It just got personal."
Unfortunately, Lauren's not really afraid of anything. It's hard to hurt a person who has no fucks to give, Quinn.
Cut to the best scene of the episode, notable both for its L-Word-level dominance of homosexual topics and for Santana being so fucking Sassy. Bitch holds her shit DOWN.
Santana's invited Karofsky on a "date." Karofsky gloats that he knew Santana would ask him out someday because he looks like a square-shaped brick pasted onto a potato wearing a Varsity Jacket. Santana does not have time for this shit. They're not even at a bar. They're like on the abandoned set of Felicity. Some date.
Santana: "Give it up! I know."
Karofsky: "Know what?"
Santana: "That you're gay!"
Karofsky: "What? Who told you that?"
Santana: "No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day. You know you really need to be more careful with your leering."
Karofsky: "I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing."
Santana: "Like that's any less gay."
Santana: "Second of all, I know all about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about "the truth" getting out. Guess what. It's out."
Karofsky: "Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I'm going to kick their asses."
Santana: "Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you."
Santana: "You're what we call a "late in life" gay. You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some page. and you know what? I accept that about you."
They need each other, Santana explains. Why? Because "we play on the same team." Santana specifies she's not ready to eat jicama or get a flat top but (what's jicama?) she might do it in junior college. Karofsky insists he's not gay.
Santana: "I'm trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term 'beard'? It's when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts."
Otherwise, she'll out him to everyone. He chooses the bearding.
Santana: "The only straight I am is straight-up bitch."
Are you paying attention. I hope so because one day you'll need to tell your grandchildren where you were the first time you heard the now-famous line "the only straight I am is straight-up bitch."
Could Santana possibly be any more flawless? Yes, she could she could be fingerblasting Brittany and not racist, but beggers can't be choosers.
Finn tells Quinn that she shouldn't be encouraging Rachel to fix her nose, Quinn tells Finn he should stop talking about Rachel.
Then Finn and the Asian Guy do a Sammy Davis Jr number but watching Finn lumber around like a lesbian is just way too gay for me to handle today. I'm embarrassed for him and had to close my eyes.
Rachel -- girlfriend loves to give an announcement, right? -- wants to show everyone the photos of her potential new nose. She argues that the procedure will help her Broadway career, which is funny, because there's this actress named Lea Michele who was a big Broadway star and she had that exact same nose Rachel Berry already has!
Tina admits this potential procedure has been a Hot Topic this week in the halls of McKinley High, they've got a facebook group called STOP RACHEL BERRY'S NOSE JOB. Also, Rachel's self-hatred has helped Tina see the light and love herself, without contacts.
Finn, like the good strong hearty crunchy lesbian that he is, knows the only way to fix this problem is to affirm Rachel as a woman/womyn and tell her how beautiful she is, which Quinn probs doesn't appreciate as she's trying to sell the room on her nose being atop someone else's face as her nose is both superior and [expensive]?
Finn: "Rachel please don't do this. You're beautiful."
Who IS everybody this week? Are they trying to make up for wasting my time last week? I bet Helena Peabody's gonna show up in the next musical number, all fancy and ret-conned and shit.
If this episode wasn't 90 minutes long and therefore a bitch to recap and if I didn't find Mr.Schue's very existence offensive to my very existence, I'd break my "skip the adult parts" rule to entertain this compelling storyline with Emma's OCD. But it is, and I do, so. Sorry.
Karofsky has been pulled from class or football practice or lollygagging in the hall or whatever it is people do at this school to apologize to Glee Club. Sorry let me re-state that, but more clearly: Karofsky has been pulled from class or football practice or lollygagging in the hall or whatever it is people do at this school to apologize to Glee Club?
The principal is there too so Artie will have a sweater-vest to borrow later when this one gets mistaken for a paint-by-numbers and subsequently gets dirty:
The kids still wanna punch Karofsky in the face for bullying their homo-friend Kurt, which, as I said at the time, is one of this show's greatest achievements -- setting the example that standing up for your gay friend when he gets gay-bullied is the only reasonable response any real friend or peer could have. As is holding a grudge.
Karofsky wants to apologize for being such an asshole because now he realizes that when you're an asshole, people fucking die, and surely his self-loathing should really only kill him, not rando gay guys just trying to wear bowties or fuck Blaine. Santana has shown him the light.
Karofsky: "She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn't believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don't wanna be anymore."
Santana, dressed as nothing less than The Nanny from Flushing, Queens, joins him in front of the room in the area usually taped off for Rachel's announcements about her personal life/feelings and Mr. Shue's brilliant financial ideas.
Santana & Karofsky hold hands like two people who want nothing to do with one another's private parts.
The gang is confused/disgusted/hilarious and also, are collectively dressed for Odyssey of the Mind, the Kentucky Derby, and a Britney Spears concert.
The most important reaction is, of course, Brittany's, and without actually remembering what that expression was, I'm gonna guess, "disturbed and in love with Santana."
The Bully Team will roam the halls in shiny red Little League jackets and berets, saving the district tons of money by policing the hallways so the staff doesn't have to.
But seriously these outfits. I mean, can Glee Club try figure skating because this shit is hot and needs ice.
When Z tells a kid that finding new pants to wear is an "YP--your problem" not an "MP-my problem," the Stellar Santana/Karofsky duo break that shit up.
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