Get Baked with Autostraddle: Valentine’s Day Edition

Hummingbird Bakery Red Velvet Cake by Rachel

Support and photography by Peter Swire, fan of Autostraddle and soup chef extraordinaire

Notes
+ This is a British recipe and many of the amounts are in grams. You can do a quick conversion to more American measurements via interwebs if you must. We’re leaving it in British so our friends across the pond feel included! What’s up, Eley, et al!

+ The next time I make this cake, I’ll double the recipe and make three layers. As it is, your cake will be a little thin. Also, everyone knows that nothing gets you laid faster than a three-layer cake on Valentine’s Day.

Ingredients
120g unsalted butter, at room temperature
300g caster sugar (or organic Sucanat if you are a dirty hippie like me)
2 egg
20g cocoa powder
40ml red food colouring (this is like a ton of food coloring? I think you could use less)
1 tsp vanilla extract
240ml buttermilk
300g plain flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
3 tsp white wine vinegar

Preheat the oven to 170°C. (325° F)

Beat butter + sugar until fluffy and well mixed. Now turn the mixer up to high speed and slowly add the egg until everything is blended nicely. Don’t have an electric mixer? Make your friend / valentine do all the stirring while you add the stuff! Teamwork!

In a separate bowl, mix cocoa powder + red food colouring + vanilla extract to make a very thick, dark paste. Add the butter mixture and combine well. Don’t combine poorly! That’d be ridiculous.

Turn the mixer (or your friend / loved one) to slow speed and slowly pour in half the buttermilk. Now add half the flour and beat until everything is friendly and incorporated. Repeat this until you’ve got all the buttermilk and flour in there. Turn your mixer / friend up to high and beat the batter (oh!) until it’s smooth and even. At this point it probably looks a lot like blood. You should smear some on your face and pretend to be Bill Compton! Only sexier / smarter / with a normal accent.

Ok get back on task. Time to add the baking soda and vinegar. Once that’s in there, beat it for a few more minutes (OMG THAT IS SO WHAT SHE SAID)

Pour into a lightly greased 6″ cake tin, which you probs don’t have. That’s cool — use what you’ve got. Bake for 40 minutes for a 6″ tin, 30 for an 8″ tin. Are they done yet? Let ’em cool!

Hmmm, now you just need some cream cheese frosting. Oh hey look!

Cream Cheese Frosting
I went with Paula Deen’s recipe, because no one knows more about high-cholesterol and traditionally-Southern desserts. This recipe is easy but makes an outrageous amount of frosting! Unless you want two solid inches of frosting all over this cake (which is fine, I’m not judging if you do), I would make 3/4 or 1/2 this amount.

Ingredients
1 lb cream cheese, room temp
2 sticks of butter, softened
4 cups powdered sugar

Mix that shit up until it’s fluffy and delicious! Do not frost that cake until it’s all the way cool, or else this ish will melt all over your counter. Tip: put the frosting in the fridge for about little while — not too long — so it’s firmer when you use it.

Now decorate! Maybe use some heart-shaped sprinkles. Or set aside some of the crumbs from the cake (if you have to level off some of the layers to make them flat, that would work) and sprinkle them on top. We made a heart shape stencil and used that to make a heart shape on top. But do whatever you want! Go wild!

Triple Chocolate Brownies

by Nigella Lawson, not Laneia

These brownies come from Nigella Lawson and her show, Nigella Feasts (which is the only thing worth watching on a lazy Sunday morning, in my opinion). I’ve halved her recipe because I have no need for eighteen brownies. Maybe you have many lovers and require several brownies? If so, feel free to double this.

Notes
+ All measurements were originally in the language of Great Britain, which means grams not ounces, which means when I halved the recipe, things got a little silly. Deal with it.

+ Don’t have superfine / caster sugar? Sarah suggests running granulated sugar through a food processor. Worked for me!

Ingredients
1 + 1/2 sticks + 1 Tbl unsalted butter
6 oz bittersweet chocolate
3 eggs
1/2 +  cups superfine / caster sugar
1/2 Tbl vanilla extract
3/4 cups + Tbl all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup white chocolate chips
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
powdered sugar

Before you do anything — before you even preheat the oven or open a beer — put the bittersweet chocolate + butter into a heavy saucepan over low heat. Don’t have a heavy saucepan? Double boiler!

Ok now you can get an adult beverage and crank your oven up to 350°. Line an 8 x 8 pan (or 9 x 9, who’s counting?) with parchment paper or aluminum foil. Stir the chocolate + butter! Isn’t it pretty and glossy? It is. Let that stuff melt. (If you insist on not using parchment paper – which’s totes up to you – you’ll need to grease the pan. Oh my goodness, just buy some parchment paper, srsly.) Now would be a good time to organize a new playlist or delete those old photos of your ex-girlfriend. Stir!

When your chocolate + butter has melted to a lovely, thick syrup, remove it from heat and allow it to cool. You didn’t let it boil, did you? Don’t. It need only melt.

While the chocolate’s cooling, beat the eggs + sugar + vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the flour + salt. Is the chocolate cooled off yet? Awesome. Add it to the egg + sugar. Fold in the flour mixture, then stir in the white chocolate / semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Obvs pour the batter into the prepared pan, stick that sucker in the oven and bake for about 30 – 35 mins. Because you were being reasonable and decided to line your pan with parchment paper, you can just lift it out — parchment paper and all — and let the giant pan-shaped brownie cool on a wire rack. You don’t have a wire rack? Um, that’s ok. Just pretend you didn’t read the last part.

Time to cut them! I originally typed “cute” them, which is sort of fitting because we’re about to cover them with powdered sugar. Hella cute!

How’d I manage to write out this whole thing without prompting a parenthetical “That’s what she said” moment? Damn.

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54 Comments

    • oh hey that picture might now be my desktop background forever and ever. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE

    • dear alex: ok thank you! i wasn’t sure if i should reveal all my secrets because like, what if you replace me? but then i thought you might still need my boyish charm.

      dear rachel: once i had a picture as my background and she thought it was too weird. http://twitpic.com/escj5

      • This is true. Laura you are irreplaceable like that Beyonce song! I’m so glad you reminded me of the desktop thing, cause it made me and Riese LOL all over again. Oh, you kids!

  4. Oh my god. Homemade Oreos sound like THE BEST IDEA EVER. I’m gonna make them with my mom when I go home for spring break (after we get tattooed, which is the only thing on the agenda this spring break). :)

    • Laura’s cookies are BETTER than oreos. Just lettin’ y’all know. They aren’t like crunchy/hard cookies holding the filling, they are soft cake-like concoctions of wonder.

      • Don’t kill me, here. Spring break is a whole month away. I’m trying not to think about how badly I want those cake-like concoctions of wonder.

  5. Guys, I was totally looking for something to make for my Valentine’s dinner extravaganza dessert and NOW I HAVE IT.

    Also, can we make recipes a semi-regular thing? Because I am a lez who loves the kitchen, and not just because that’s where we keep the booze.

  6. LISTEN UP EVERYONE I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT:

    I have tasted Laura’s oreo cookies and THEY WIN.

    Now I just need to get Rachel, Sarah, and Laneia to bake for me and I can judge the rest.

  8. rachel i want to make your cake because red velvet cake is so hard! mine always ends up looking like jungle-juice vom instead of actual red.

    • true story re: jungle juice vom: we ended up eating this whole cake at a party that my apartment threw, and it turns out that this cake will in fact make your vom super red. also i’m really glad my roommates are still speaking to me.

  10. This is the best post ever. My two fav. things dessert and autostraddle.

    P.s. I have a recipe for the home made oreos where you put mint extract into the filling. They are awesome.

    • um, i’m pretty sure mint extract is the only thing that could make those better. WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEAAAAA.

  11. I am glad that Laneia got a beer into her cooking photo. I always cook with wine. I am not a good cook, I hear, but I think I am.

    • originally my recipe called for three glasses of wine before starting but i think laneia took it out and that was probs a good idea

  12. OH YUMMMMMM. You’re making me want to bake again.

    Also: partner just got a blender as a birthday present, so any blending ideas would be appreciated. We make banana milkshakes this morning, YUM.

      • ew cherries and strawberries (or any sort of berry really). Melons + Asian fruit = better than anything.

        What’s in a mudslide? I guess chocolate, but that’s it really.

    • frozen strawberries
      vanilla yogurt
      little milk
      ice

      ——-

      grasshopper cookies [5?]
      shot of mint syrup [not extract]
      little milk
      optional shot or two of espresso / strong coffee
      ice

      • Definitely asked that when i was drunk last night and don’t really remember doing so but thats awesome! Also these cakes etc look brilliant and thanks for a red velvet recipe in grammes, i’ve been craving red velvet for aaggges.

  14. YA’LL. my girlfriend usually complains that i’m not affectionate enough. but that’s totes okay because i have so much love for autostraddle.

    and now i can like, cook her some brownies and say, “LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT delicious-looking brownie. that is the chocolatey representation of my love. don’t tell me that’s not awesome.”

  16. These all look fantastic, I can’t wait to try them. But what’s devil’s food cake mix? Is it just your standard chocolate cake mix?

    • it is not! it is magical and different. acutally i don’t know the difference, but you can buy both mixes here. regs chocolate works fine as well.

    • haha crystal i was going to ask this question too, beat me to it. according to wikipedia devil’s food cake is more moist and airy and uses cocoa instead of chocolate for flavour.

    • I love Cook’s Illustrated.
      They have an amazing recipe for brown sugar cookies, i think it’s ’96 or ’98.

  18. omg one of my irish friends makes these from her mum’s recipe and they are AMAZING. like, I got her mum to bring me some over specially last time she came to visit, despite the fact that I’ve never met her. Thats how good they are.

  19. Oh my, those homemade oreos look so good! Where’s my apron? I’ve gotta make them ahora. Laura, what brand of devils food cake mix do you use?

    • ermmm whatever is on sale! i know some taste better than others, but i always forget to write down which ones. you should try a few out and let me know!

      • I used Betty Crocker and Duncan Hinse mixes. BC was cheaper, easier to mold, and came out more gooey than DH. So, I’d use that brand. I made them all rainbow-ey, so delicious! Thanks again.

        http://tiny.cc/3q9y1

  20. My lady and I are pretty much obsessed with Autostraddle, and so being who we are, decided we had to make those damn oreos.

    So we did.

    Oh good lord they are fantastic.

  21. Guys…I had a dream last night that I was eating Laura’s cookies.
    Wait.
    That needs re-phrasing.

    I had a dream last night that I was eating the homemade oreos! If that’s not sad, I don’t know what is. I can’t remember what else was going on in the dream, but I clearly remember those cookies.

  22. Pleeease do another get baked for Valentine’s this year! With some main dishes! Vegan! Exclamation points!

    Whinyness!

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