In an attempt to recreate the fun-filled, adrenaline-packed atmosphere of having a debate-viewing party in your very own home, we have decided to do our debate coverage in the form of a gchat between Senior Editor Rachel and Contributing Editor Carmen, with occasional appearances from Community Managerette Lemon. They are qualified for this job via their strong feelings about the candidates and marginally competent knowledge of the issues at hand. Also, once Rachel won a Long Island iced tea at a bar for her performance at Sarah Palin Bingo during the last election, so. This will be more fun to read if you've watched the debate, but if you haven't, we've embedded it for you!
Rachel: Carmen are you watching
it's already hilarious
Rachel: Wait all I can see are people shifting in their seat
Carmen: That's what's happening
Rachel: Oh good
Carmen: A white lady is talking
Rachel: I can't hear her
Carmen: Before she said 'chamillionaire is apparently hip-hop' and I spit my drink out
Also my mom is in the room?
Rachel: Oh hi Mrs. Rios
Cool that a woman is moderating I guess?
Wish that it was Rachel Maddow though
Or someone not white and blond, even
I wish they televised the coin toss like in football games
Actually wait i have no idea if that actually happens
Carmen: Shouldn't people who work in politics have like poker faces
THEY'RE SO BAD AT THIS ALREADY TBH
Rachel: I always totally forget what Biden looks like
Carmen: lol her name is Martha
He got a lil stocky and his voice sounds weird
Rachel: It's a surprise every time, like the little plastic castle
Rachel: Wow, going straight for terrorists!
Carmen: yeah wow
Rachel: Not pulling any punches huh Martha
She's really showing up Lehrer
Carmen: 'Restoring America's heart' that was sweet
Rachel: We have to drink every time he mentions Bin Laden, you know that right
Carmen: 'Track you to the gates of hell' DAMN, and Ryan smiling like 'I've been there!'
Rachel: I feel like this is already way more factual than the presidential debate was. Biden is going hard in the paint.
Carmen: Ryan thinks we need more guns!
Rachel: I think you're ahead of me, Ryan hasn't started talking yet in my world
Rachel: YOU'RE IN THE FUTURE CARMEN
Carmen: Haha omg he is going HARD rn against Biden/Obama and trying to play up Romney being better with Libya, which is funny since Romney literally fucked up everything abroad possible
Rachel: I feel like Ryan's speech mannerisms are really overly careful, like he is talking to a stupid person or reading poetry
Carmen: YES I feel that
Rachel: Poetry about fascism, obviously
Carmen: It's never too early / to speak up for / our values
We should not have called him a reformer / when he was turning guns / on his own people
Rachel: *Finger snaps*
Carmen: My mom is now yelling from the other room
Rachel: What is she saying?
Rachel:Biden is straight up giggling at what Ryan is saying. Love it. WHOA Biden! "With all due respect that is a bunch of malarkey"
Carmen: How 1940's polite gentleman of him
Rachel: I'm feeling good about this, this is some strong rhetoric
Carmen: "I don't know what my friend is talking about!"
Rachel: Biden has clearly been drinking his Gatorade, is bringing is A game
Carmen: Yo Joe Biden is gonna dominate. Like I feel like the people in the front rows paid to see this because Joe Biden is a sight to be seen
Rachel: Do you think the average debate watcher really even knows that there was a crisis w/r/t Libya? I'm not asking that in a catty way, but just because I always wonder what these debates mean to people
Carmen: no, I don't
I don't think ANYONE knew wtf was going on in the first debate
way too wonky
also Ryan is trying to call Obama/Biden out on flip flopping
Rachel: Also, this is maybe a dumb questions, but who actually decides the debate questions? The moderator?
Carmen: Romney should avoid that at all costs
the 'comission' I assume
Rachel: omg I know
Carmen: "I'd actually like to move to Iran"
the moderator said that
Rachel: "What we should not be apologizing for is standing up for our values." What exactly are our "values" w/r/t burning Qur'ans? Like please, elaborate.
Rachel: Ryan is good at looking at the camera strategically, I'll give him that
Carmen: I feel like ryan is literally telling stories
yeah Biden needs some media training tbh
I think it's 'cause they're sitting down
threw them off
Rachel: "Can the two of you be absolutely clear and specific," seems like she learned a lot from the first debate
Also wow, going straight to military strikes! this is just not a drill
Carmen: Ugh, I hate talking about the military this way
stop talking about the ~details
TALK ABOUT GETTING US THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.
Rachel: I don't think I can really take discussions on military decisions in good faith. like maybe it was being raised by a Quaker pinko commie single mom (love you mom!)
Carmen: Also I feel like ryan talking about nuclear weapons is cheap
Rachel: But yeah I'm just not interested in hearing about anything other than de-escalating any military action
Carmen: Wow. "Let's look at this from the eye of an Ayatollah."
Paul Ryan, are you TRASHED
Rachel: I do not think Paul Ryan is qualified to do that. Wow this is so real! I'm genuinely pretty uninformed on these foreign policy issues tbh
Carmen: Yeah who is bb #embarrassed
Rachel: Mostly this is just making me really anxious
Carmen: wait Joe Biden just laughed and looked up to the gods
that's how right he knows he is
side note: he makes Paul Ryan look like a teenage boy
Rachel: Paul Ryan's face creeps me out so much. I know that's not incisive political commentary, but I can't not say it. There's this Buffy episode where there's an evil frat where college boys try to sacrifice girls to a malicious reptile god, I feel like Paul Ryan would belong to it
Carmen: The ayatollahs want a nuclear weapon, just like when kids pass a yo-yo in the store. That's what I just got out of this
omg Paul Ryan just recycled a scripted line about Russia.
Rachel: I think what Biden is ultimately trying to do here is make the point that we don't have to operate out of fear on these decisions
which is a point I admire
Carmen: Yes, I think that makes sense. And saying that the president knows what the fuck is going on because HELLO, he is actually president unlike anyone else and talks to people and works on it
"this president does not bluff" - winning line
Rachel: Good, yes
god, Martha is just not fucking around
did she really just ask "which is worse, war in the middle east or a nuclear weapon?"
Rachel: YEAH BIDEN
"war should always be the absolute last resort"
and omg okay yes bringing up the improvements is a GREAT FUCKING STRATEGY YES
Rachel: Wow. "Can you get unemployment to under 6% and how long will it take?"
Carmen: I think Biden's monologue is literally like the most moving thing I've ever witnessed
Rachel: I agree. Although I also almost cried in the doctor's waiting room today at an ABC family show about a dad dying, so it might just be me tbh. YES thank you for bringing up the 47%
Carmen: omg Ryan said the economy is 'limping along' HAHA YR DUDE MADE IT CRIPPLED SO
Rachel: what's the Kahlil Gibran quote? Even those who limp go not backwards?
Carmen: I hate when they blame democrats for not cleaning up the dog shit their animals leave in the bathroom y'know
is that too strong
Rachel: The Chris Rock line is really good, "this guy couldn't cure cancer, so you're going to vote for cancer?"
I feel like it's important to note that regardless of what Republicans think they're going to do to create jobs, they're 100% going to slash support for the people who still don't have jobs. Like it's not that comforting to know you might someday get a job sort of if you can't get unemployment or welfare.
Carmen: Yeah I feel that for sure.
Rachel: "Romney's a good man"
GOOD JOB PAUL RYAN, YOU WIN
Carmen: Oh wow Biden just brought up that time his wife died
Rachel: "Sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth the right way!"
tiny violin for Romney/Ryan
Rachel: This is like the Akin situation
Carmen: "Sometimes we don't have enough time to properly script lies for you. Vote Romney/Ryan."
Rachel: You can't "misspeak" that hard
also I didn't know that about Biden's wife and daughter
Carmen: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD BIDEN ALREADY WON THE DEBATE HOLY SHIT "YOU JUST ACT LIKE THE GREAT RECESSION FELL OUT OF THE SKY IT'S YOUR FAULT"
Rachel: I think it's a good move to say that he doesn't doubt Romney's commitment to individuals but that he still doesn't like his record, also
moving the discussion to where it actually belongs
Carmen: Yes, away from personal and back to actual information
I think it's weird that Romney/Ryan talk about what they'll do without revealing how, still
Rachel: I want to show this to my students to talk about actual argumentation as opposed to logical fallacies
Carmen: Even after being called out, like multiple times
WHERE IS THE PLAN.
Rachel: It's crazy how they can get away with it, though
like I think on some level I thought there were rules about this
like "you can't just make shit up" or "you have to have a plan"
Carmen: Absolutely not
that's right-wing politics. For sure. At least as of late.
Rachel: Oh my god Ryan just avoided answering that question so hard
Carmen: "We would've done it better! But we don't know how. We just know."
Rachel: "When can you get it below 6%?" "Well, that's what our plan will do!"
Carmen: Biden literally keeps laughing
it's the best,
and now he's just like on some freeway shit
Carmen: Did Paul Ryan just admit he lives with his mom? Also I feel like saying "we've all had tragedies in our lives" after Biden's story is mad awkward / disrespectful, y'know. Like damn.
Rachel: "Medicare and entitlements"
take away the "s" and it's Paul Ryan's life story
Carmen: Your grandma living with you? Not like your wife dying.
Rachel: Omg if I have to watch Ryan talk like he's going to defend Medicare I will literally throw up. It will be on some Linda Blair projectile shit.
Carmen: YES ME TOO YES. I hate when they blatantly lie. "We love Medicare! We love Social Security! We love poor people!"
#lie #morelying #somanylies
Rachel: Omg he's perpetuating the exact same lie he's already been called on as far as Obama taking money from Medicare?
this is so ballsy and awful
Carmen: Yeah but Biden is just like 'oh hell no.'
Rachel: Oh my God, Ryan, YOU INVENTED THE VOUCHER THING. I will never get over how blatantly they pin the things they themselves have done on Obama. Biden getting really real with the camera eye contact, very nice
Carmen: Always and forever. So at this point Obama is so over it that he is just like 'no stop talking you lying thirteen-year-old boy'
Oh shit she asked for a plan!! Rachel do you think they have one? Bets on no. I'll drink this pitcher if I'm wrong.
Rachel: You have a pitcher??
Carmen: Of mudslide!
Rachel: Very nice. Biden is so sassy!!
Carmen: This moderator is really good. and YES. I think he pregamed.
Next: Lemon joins us, taxes, war, and abortion!
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