Formspring Friday Can’t Sleep Without You

Hello and welcome to another thrilling adventure in Formspring Friday! Where you ask the questions and then the rest of you give the answers while we eat nutter butters and make Doomsday Preppers lists.

Before we get started, I have an important announcement: we are putting a moratorium on answering questions about you falling for straight girls! This will be like when we stopped talking about Lilo — if we act like it’s not happening, hopefully it will stop happening. You’ll get the subliminal message that there’s no such thing as falling for straight girls and you’ll just STOP FALLING FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS. If you have questions about falling for straight girls, you can find your answer here. You have our deepest condolences and best wishes forever, as always.

 

8 Formspring Questions For You To Answer on This Fine Friday:

1. I found out that my friend gets sad when we hang out because she thinks I’m “prettier than her.” What should I say to her to make her feel better?

2. I’m a very business-focused 22 year old, and it seems like most of the girls I meet are still in the partying stage and aren’t very driven. How do I meet potential dates who share more “grown-up” goals?

3. How do I know if it’s a booty-call versus her just messing with my head…? And either way I don’t want to be a piece of meat, right?

4. I’m coming out to my little sister on Sunday. I’m so nervous and also worried I won’t be able to get the words out. Any advice?

5. What do people talk about when they “go for coffee”?

6. I’m in a long-distance relationship. We’ve been together for a year and a half. We only see each other every six weeks or so. I’m always hot to trot, she’s usually too tired. How do we compromise?

7. Is going back to a girl who (emotionally) hurt you ever okay?

8. I recently moved in with a good friend of mine, and living with her is perfect. I’m completely in love with her though, and have been ever since we broke up three years ago. Three years. Now we’re friends and I just want to kiss her face. Help!

I’m really interested in what you have to say to #’s 2 and 8! Y’all I’m gonna be honest, I feel like #8’s situation is totally fucked, but I have faith that you’ll know just what she should do.

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Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

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Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and she thinks you're fucking rad. She's 33, has two kids, two dogs, one Megan, some personal essays and a lot of emails in her inbox.

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87 Comments

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        Oh man…I’m #8, and I know just how dumb I am and how far to run, but it’s so niiiiice! She likes my dog, eats my vegan cooking, picks out the perfect records, and sings along while I play the piano. Nevermind the fact that she’s been nothing but unbearable for the past three years. And we live in a tiny, tiny town..if I move out, then I’m a homeless little queer :(

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            ok, so here’s that in a nutshell, i suppose. i live in a small town in kansas, and i’m sort of maybe planning to move to oregon in june, depending on the stars aligning and all that good stuff. so i could continue schlepping all of my stuff and my dog around in my wonderful buick and sleeping on my friends’ couches or in their airstream, but they live far away from my town and my poorly paying (but awesome!) part-time (not really!) curating job. and the buick likes gas. and my dog and i like food, so it’s sort of like i’m fucked. i think riese is right.

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            Well then..You need to keep yourself uber busy with things that don’t involve her..Keep your distance..Remember what it was that made the two of you break up in first place..Also..Also..Also…NO KISING HER FACE!! Go in peace my friend

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            Well that’s a few months away so it’s not forever. Do you have a dog park around you? That’s almost as good a magnet as Digger’s avatar.

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            I can never actually meet you for fear I would be a total disappointment..I mean..It’s not like I can just waltz on a plane to MI carrying my ACR rifle!

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            It is no longer possible to reply directly to your post Digger I am assuming that is due to your avatar causing some sort of system crash.

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          I know exactly this flavor of bittersweet…however being as that you aren’t in a relationship, she may decide to move out on her own (ie: runs off with a bartender whom you both work with) and leave you scrambling anyhow. It’s best you at least have a backup plan! At least that’s what I wish someone would’ve said to myin my college years.

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        Oh crap. That was meant to be after the post about not living with your ex… Oh AS I wish I had the power to delete misplaced posts! Woe.

        re #2 chill out girl and have some fun? Seriously though, find someone who shares an interest with you… Like going to museums or walking in parks (I imagine this to be something a sophisticated person such as yourself would do…kidding!)

        Or date older women? You’re only 22 once though… Why not be silly? :p

  1. Thumb up 0

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    #2: Want to get dinner?

    #7: It only is if you’re completely ready to forgive her. And I mean completely forgive her because if you lie to yourself because you love her that much, it’s going to come back and hit you in the face. Probably right at the moment of foreplay and then you’re going to be head-fucked for a little bit and then you’ll tell her you were mistaken, you don’t forgive her and she’ll yell at you for “bringing up old shit and then you’ll feel like an asshole and then you’ll wrestle with yourself for a while as to whether you can really get over this and she’s going to hate you when you can’t. And it’s okay if that’s what happens but you might save yourself the head-fucking if you’re just honest with yourself right now. Because quite frankly, you’re the only person that has a say in who you should or shouldn’t forgive and if anyone makes you feel bad about it, you can tell them to stfu.

    #8: GET OUT NOW.

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    #2: this is my exact problem. I go to a party school and I’m not a huge partier. My women’s studies class is full of really smart people thought so if you’re still in school maybe try that? Otherwise…everyone else give us advice? I did try okcupid for a little while but got tired of it.

    #4: there’s literally nothing you can do to prepare yourself for that. Maybe if you’re afraid you’ll wimp out tell one of your friends what you’re planning so then you’ll feel guilty if you don’t? That’s how I came out to my parents. Also good luck!

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    2) I’m in a similar situation and I’m a couple of years older than you. This is what I tell myself:

    Young driven people don’t really make time for romance, but they all wish they could. Stay on your path, someone worth your time will come along. Don’t waste your time on girls who don’t carry the same goals/values as you. I’ve done it and when it’s over, it just makes you look like a pretentious asshole.

    I know this sounds entirely pessimistic, but I believe that there are people out there…you just have to be patient. “Things of quality have no fear of time”

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      But what if both of you come along for eachother the when things are not hectic, but….busy, what then?!?!?…i feel like waiting would be your answer but the tention is at its peak and unbearable? Also theres a small distance issue….any advice?

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    Look, #8, I’ll be the voice saying that maaaaybe it could work (because, let’s be honest, you’re probably gonna ignore everyone who just says leave, right?) BUT HERE’S THE THING. Past feelings are like feral cats–if you keep feeding them, they keep coming back. You really gotta kill those motherfuckers. Stop thinking about how cute she in in the morning making toast, stop remembering how her mouth tastes like snowflakes, stop figuring out what you’re gonna name your babies/pugs/vespas when y’all get married. Stop focusing on what’s great about her and start making lists (I actually do mean writing this down) of the things that are less-than-perfect. Focus on her flaws. Practice seeing her as human and fucked-up. And find someone else to kiss who’s really good at it.

    #4: Try and relax about it as much as possible. When I came out to my mom, I was super-serious and said, “there’s something I really need to tell you” and it made everything really way more of a big deal than it needed to be. Just let something slip while you and your sister are eating ice cream or building the tree house or whatever. She shouldn’t freak out about it if you’re relaxed and treating it’s like just another thing. Also: practice with all your friends beforehand, and come up with lots of different possible lines.

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    3) I think there’s a few factors to consider: When does she call you? If she’s only calling when it’s really late and/or when she’s been drinking then i’m going to say booty call. If she’s calling you/txting throughout the day maybe she’s lonely and it works with you right now (i’ve been on both ends of that one). In the end it’s up to what you want from it. If you’re cool with the hooking up then it doesn’t matter because you’ve already decided what YOU want from it. Usually a girl ends up messing with your head when your feelings get involved, not solely with the intent of screwing with all that goodness. Sooooooooo if the sex is good & there’s no feelings stay put, if there’s feelings then it’s discussion time. :-)

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    7. Is going back to a girl who (emotionally) hurt you ever okay?

    do not take my advice on this but honey whatever makes you happy is good for you and is okay, only not if it’s because you a) feel like you deserved anything that ever hurt you ever in your life ever, b) you’re starting to blame yourself / feed into it, c) what e said.

    but seriously – there is no okay or not okay for this. it’s about you and what is good for you and your situation which only you are in ever. you know the answer to your question but you wanted someone to say it back to you. so just say it to yourself instead.

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    I can sympathize with number two. It seems like most everyone else cares mostly about going to parties, clubs, bars, and drinking. I don’t like any of that. That’s why I’m sitting here on a Friday night, ha ha.

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    #1 She sounds like she needs a self esteem boost. Assure her that there’s no reason to be sad because she thinks you’re prettier than her, while noting that you aren’t prettier than her. Be her friend, be there for her, and praise/complement her. Careful though, as sometimes it can be draining. I had a friend who was quite insecure and nearly everytime we hung out together was spent trying to dissuade her of the notion that she’s fat, or ugly, or worthless, or something else. Eventually I realise that if it feels like a therapy session, chances are that she could benefit from real therapy.

    #3 It depends on whether you want to be a piece of meat or not, the choice is yours. I personally don’t mind being a piece of meat, well, ‘don’t mind’ is an understatement. But if you feel like this is messing with your head and could potentially hurt you, then perhaps you might rethink your choices.

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      After several years of a straining but close friendship with someone like this I eventually cut her loose because no friendship should be built on one upping negativity just to make a miserable person feel better rather than sharing happiness and success. If she’s constantly commenting on outer qualities, chances are she’s feeling much worse about herself on the inside and will take it out on you in far more toxic ways that you may not even see coming.

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    #2!

    There are so fucking many of us man! We’re just hard to find because we don’t go to the clubs/bars/etc. Get involved in things that are close to your heart/goals and you’ll meet other people who have similar interests.

    Honestly, I think the only reason there are so many girls partying so much is because they’re convinced that if they stay home on Friday night they’ll miss out on meeting someone special (which is why they so often go into hibernation once they do find someone). Or doing something special. But mostly, you just miss out on sticky floors and hangovers.

    So go forth and smash the discourse of driven girls = lonely girls!

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      “Get involved in things that are close to your heart/goals and you’ll meet other people who have similar interests.”

      I have no idea what to get involved in, honestly. So, I never really meet anyone outside of my classes.

      “But mostly, you just miss out on sticky floors and hangovers.”

      Yeah, that’s certainly a plus, I’d say.

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        I fully support the meeting older women theory. I didn’t know this until it happened to me. When i met my gf I was 22 and had no idea there was more than a decade between us. We had really intelligent conversations right off the bat and I learned she had already been through grad school and started running her own business. I feel like she drives me to be a better, more accomplished me because I want to stay on her level. It works. And it’s pretty perfect. And I have lots less hangovers than my friends….though we do enjoy the occasional night of foolishness and debauchery ;)

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          To be fair, when I met my wife she was 19 and working two jobs. By the time we got together, she was travelling all over the country for work as well as managing her own store. All of this by the time she 21. There are younguns who have passion and drive. And it’s totally hot.

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      I feel like a lot of people have this “fear of missing out”
      We would rather be at home maybe reading a book, relaxing by ourselves but instead we go out to party because we feel like whatever is happening there is more important than whatever
      we have in mind. You can think back to the older days and you know that it wasn’t until just recently that people our ages would “go out and party.” It is a social norm to party on weekends and get trashed. Social deviance to not go out and party. I believe it also has something to do with our societies general leanings towards extroverts as children in school we are praised if we are outgoing and ask a lot of questions in class but if we are the bookworm type who keeps to themselves, we are ostracized.

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      I usually end up talking about food politics and fair trade, because it is hard to not think about that while drinking coffee. Of course, I also often start talking about absolutely whatever is floating around in my head, because I react really dramatically to coffee. This sometimes startles my coffee dates.

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    #3 that all dependson what your looking for. Sometimes is nice to have that non strings attached situation…as long as there’s mutual respect involved of course. But if there are feelings that are causing static, you probably need to discuss taking it further or calling it off.

    #4 it’s quite possible she has an idea….most siblings do. The most important thing is to be honest with her. The only way for her to reallyunderstand is to hear it from you and get the chance to share her feelings/questions in private. Best of luck!

    #5 coffee itself is a good starting point…

    #7 I cant say never….but from my experience it hasnt worked out…..it might seem lke its going to get better the second go round, but ive only known it to backfire. It really all depends of the person/thing that was hurtful. It’s a sleep with one eye open kind of thing, and that tends to make a girl very exhausted in the long run :/

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    Wow, I literally just searched for all Autostraddle has ever had to say on the topic of falling for straight girls yesterday (which means last night at 3 AM after attempting to cry myself to sleep). I guess there’s no more advice to be given for me :(

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    1. I found out that my friend gets sad when we hang out because she thinks I’m “prettier than her.” What should I say to her to make her feel better?

    This isn’t about you. This is about her and how she feels about herself. I’m guessing if she thinks that a good friend is too pretty to hangout, other things are going on. I agree in helping her go to therapy. Clearly there is a stigma, but maybe you could talk about how you/ a friend/ family member or someone you know who has actually gone to therapy has really liked it and it wasn’t scary. Maybe, just maybe she will think about going. Don’t push her. If she thinks you think she is weak or crazy it won’t get her any closer to help.

    2. I’m a very business-focused 22 year old, and it seems like most of the girls I meet are still in the partying stage and aren’t very driven. How do I meet potential dates who share more “grown-up” goals?

    I’m glad you have your sh*t together. You go Glen Coco! However, 22 is a great age. You’re young. Trust me, this fades. I used to wish away whatever age I was at any given time, but I look back and think wistfully about times that I can never have back. Those things I was looking so forward to are now chores or burdens. So what does my own story have to do with you? Well, you don’t have to go out and party- get drunk every night, but BE young. Business minded? Awesome, but that doesn’t mean you have to make work your life. That’s what you late twenties are for. You’ll have that job on the bottom rung of the ladder and live your job. For now maybe allow yourself and others a little leeway in figuring it all out. Grown-up goals usually reside within those goals we hold in our youth. So maybe cut your peers a little slack and see if any are game for an afternoon at the museum.

    3. How do I know if it’s a booty-call versus her just messing with my head…? And either way I don’t want to be a piece of meat, right?

    Booty calls happen after midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight. If she’s just messing with you, you need no part of it. If you do want to hookup with her do it.

    Make her come to you wherever you are out on a night she calls or texts. If she’s actually interested she’ll put in the effort. Otherwise, if she is playing games, she won’t dare try to meet you on your own turf, and you look like you just don’t have the time to bend to her will.

    4. I’m coming out to my little sister on Sunday. I’m so nervous and also worried I won’t be able to get the words out. Any advice?

    Well there are two ways to get over nerves when trying to tell someone something. Practice your speech so you don’t have to think- you just say the words you practiced 100 times- or drink heavily. I don’t know how young your sister is but I pretty much did the latter in all of my coming out talks.

    5. What do people talk about when they “go for coffee”?

    If you don’t know the other person, you can start with where are you from? Do you have siblings? Are you also a vegan or vegetarian or bike enthusiast or tortured artist?

    If you have something in common like classes or friends or job or hobby I’d start there.

    In either situation, conversation will easily flow or it won’t. Because of this unknown factor you need an out. A reason to leave. When you are getting bored you can say, well I have a meeting in twenty minutes I need to get to or the library is closing soon and if I don’t get this book back in time I’ll have a fine. I’d say the most important thing about meeting for coffee isn’t the conversation as that happens organically or it doesn’t. The single most important thing is the preplanned out.

    6. I’m in a long-distance relationship. We’ve been together for a year and a half. We only see each other every six weeks or so. I’m always hot to trot, she’s usually too tired. How do we compromise?

    This is one that you really really really need to talk with your girlfriend about. She may be a person who doesn’t have a big sex drive, but she could also be feeling unhappy about something. Not like she is withholding sex, but she just might be feeling distant or something like that. Anyways, I know absolutely NOTHING about your relationship. You need to talk to her about how YOU feel. Tell her that YOU feel like you would like to have more sex. In an honest conversation with a lot of processing you will be closer to a solution.

    7. Is going back to a girl who (emotionally) hurt you ever okay?

    NO.

    8. I recently moved in with a good friend of mine, and living with her is perfect. I’m completely in love with her though, and have been ever since we broke up three years ago. Three years. Now we’re friends and I just want to kiss her face. Help!

    This sounds like you need to call on your support system now more than ever. (in this case your support system does not include ex-gf/roommate). If you are able to, move out. If you are not, find other places to hang. You aren’t over this girl and spending more time with her isn’t going to help you. Two things are necessary to get over someone in my experience, time and space. You’ve have time but I’m guessing you haven’t gotten enough space between the two of you. You can see her, you can be friendly with her, but friends is too close. It’s hard but you have to step away from her before you can get over her.

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      #6– I’m in a long distance too, seeing my boo every six weeks or so, and like #6’s lady I’m sometimes too tired to trot or just generally not that into sex. It might be the pressure of all that emotion crammed into a short visit, or what sex represents in that context (kind of a oh-let’s-have-a-lot-of-sex-now, because-who-knows-the-future scenario in her head, which can be a mindfuck, and hard on feeling super easy and happy to have sex) or maybe she’s just not very sexual. I also had some problems ‘down there’ which take a while to resolve and are kind of embarrassing, so there’s an off chance she’s going through a similar situation. So, while it effects you, her sex drive might not be about you you, if you get me.

      ANYWAY, #6–just talk about it in a light way, light as you can, kind of mid way through the visit so the initial high and sad leaving aren’t an issue. maybe she’s dealing with some of the things sch182 brought up, or maybe not, maybe she thinks about sex in a different way, or anything else in her head/heart. Just try to be open and honest, practice saying something about how you feel and some open ended questions to ask, and listen. I’m sure you won’t make her feel like she’s sexually inadequate or anything. Bring up all the great things about her outside of sex so she feels safe (and because that’d always sweet to do) and open. So that’s my novel advice– talk to your lady. Hope it works!

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    Thanks so much for your advice! I’m #4 and my sister just arrived and I was so excited to see that you guys answered my question that I almost explained everything just now. Perhaps I should…?

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      Go for it! If you feel like there is an opportunity, just blurt it out. In my experience, there was never that “perfect opportunity” I was looking for. That’s why I got completely hammered- it got rid of those inhibitions.

      Good luck!

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    7. Sometimes I think that all we ever do is hurt each other, so if she manipulated you, or routinely made you feel like shit then you probably shouldn’t go back to her, but if it was the sort of hurt that happens because people in relationships are like car crashes a lot of the time, and if you can forgive that and if you really want to be with her again, then I say you should.

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    #2 Consider dating older girls! Not that much older, but I find there’s a huge difference in goals/motivation/partying habits of my 22 year old friends versus my 25-27ish year old friends. I didn’t notice this at all when I was 22, but I see such a difference now.

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    #4: So far other folks have given you great advice! Practice exactly what you want to say with friends beforehand is especially good advice! I did that.
    I don’t know anything about the relationship between you and your sister. My little sister is my very best friend, but it was still difficult for me to come out to her. I don’t really remember why, but I just couldn’t tell her even though I wanted to. Then one day we were walking and I had just texted my girlfriend, and I blurted out, “Tonight I’m going to see ‘Black Swan’ with my girlfriend. I’m gay!” My sister said, “Yeah, I know.” She is the best ever.

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    @2

    It’s awsome that you’re driven and passionate about your work. You know who else (often) are? Engineering and science grad students. As a bonus, they can probably fix stuff, or tell you really interesting facts about the world.

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    #2, I have always had this problem, as I am also 22 and have never felt like I fit in with those in my age group. However, I have always dated older women/been friends with older women, and they really helped me find a community of women with whom I felt like I really belonged. All that matters is finding people who enrich your life, regardless of their age. People like you and I just have to search a little harder.

    But, with that said, I think as far as dating goes, older women are just better. Not to mention incredibly hot :) To meet like-minded women, I would suggest joining a Meetup group (I don’t know if there are any for lesbians in your area, but the Meetup group I belonged to was primarily made up of older women). Or, join a lesbian book club! A book club is a great place to find educated queer women, and that is where I have met all of my closest friends. Good luck!

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    #4 I agree with a lot of what the previous posts have said about this one.

    I was in your EXACT shoes about a year ago when I decided that my little sister was going to be the first person in my family that I came out to. I was super nervous before I kinda went through this technique taught to me by a friend.

    First, think about what the worst possible outcome of telling her could be. I had heard my little sister talk about how gay marriage was wrong on a number of occasions and I was frightened that she would grow to hate me. So, I figured that the worst that could happen would be her never speaking to me again and/or outing me to my family. Once I considered and accepted this outcome, my mind stopped jumping from one possible conclusion to the next. I thought, “Ok, this is the very worst that can happen” and I started improving upon it mentally and dealing with it beforehand. I told myself, “well if she stops talking to me it’s because of an aspect of me that I can’t change” and “I was going to have to come out to everyone eventually”. Once I dealt with the worst, I was able to focus on what I was going to say to her because I felt like, “well, I’ve got nothing to lose now.”

    After going through this technique, everything was easier. I was able to gather my thoughts and prepare what I was going to say to her. I sincerely hope that it works for you as well.

    Also, after mentally preparing myself in this way, I realized that I had forgotten the reason that I decided to come out to my sister in the first place. I knew that she was one person in my life that would love me unconditionally, no matter what. I imagine that your sister is also this awesome, and you’re coming out to her for the same reason :). Good luck!

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    1: by “you’re prettier than me” does she really mean “I find you attractive and want to sleep with you”? because I totally said that when I thought I was a straight girl.

    2: screen dates using LinkedIn.

    3: have y’all gotten silly together? like during sex when you inevitably bump foreheads or something, have you both laughed about it (or something similar)? if so, she’s probs not just messing with you.

    4: I recommend deep breaths. or a shot of whiskey beforehand.

    5: anything except how they really just want to bone each other

    6: phone and/or Skype sex?

    7: no. unless it was a “You mean you’re Team Gale?! You’ve emotionally scarred me” type thing.

    8: move. if you can’t afford to move, get a hobby/join a team/volunteer/start knitting tiny hats for kittens/do something that gets you away from the house. this will limit the amount of time during which you want to kiss her face, and hopefully help you meet other people whose faces you might want to kiss instead.

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    5. What do people talk about when they “go for coffee”?

    I don’t have a tremendous amount of experience in this area… But I imagine it’s like any other date. I would ask questions about where they’re from, work, family, interests, hopes and dreams (i.e. get to know them).
    It’s easier than talking about yourself, anyway. :P

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    #2 I can kind of relate to you, except I’m 16 for another 4 months and I’m about to finish my freshman year in college where every time I’m honest about my age, they all shy away. I’m mature, too mature, that I can’t hang around high school kids (either way I didn’t go to the high school where I’m going to college) but no one who’s older wants to hang with me because of my age. So, utilize the fact that you are older and you can hang out with people who are even older than you! Go meet people who are older and honestly it isn’t only about age, go meet people who have the same ideals like you! They’re soooo hard to find, but join groups or something? I hear that works well!:)

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    OMG #2 GO TO ANY MEDICAL FACILITY, THE ESPECIALLY PHYSICAL THERAPY DEPARTMENT!!!!! It totally helps if you have an excuse to be there and not just hanging out like a creeper. I actually feel you on this one thought, im kind of in the same position. Most of the girls that i meet have been starting out with some variation of “so, do you like to party?”

    ……..my young and irresponsible side wants to go, uhh yes and what time and now semi grown up me says uhm weelllll i used to but im really too busy to even breath i have work that must be done, but it was nice meeting you, see you around!

    But medical queer girls are for the most part just as busy as you are and dying to have a good night out, but at the same time are for the most part responcible enough to know when its time to go. They have people to take care of in the morning and likely no one to fill in, soyeah they’re responsible.

    In general, try to shoot for an older age like late twenties early thirties that seemsi to pull in the more im settling down and focusing on life crowd.

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    2) I agree with the “join a group of like-minded people” advice. You’ll meet people of all ages with whom you already have something in common. You can also look for older women. We’re not all fuddy-duddies and we generally have our shit together. Call me…we can go for coffee.

    5) Meeting for coffee is the best way to get to know someone. It’s like a first date, but way more relaxed. Talk about your jobs, school, majors, where you both grew up, your families, pets, what you like to do in your free time. Keep it light. Save the heavy stuff and very opinionated stuff for another time.

    6) sounds like my last relationship, except we were only 30 min. apart. Intimacy dropped off dramatically and she would make excuses–too tired was her go-to excuse. I hung on for 4 months hoping it would change. I kept thinking after this project, or after that big exam things will get better. They didn’t, and before I could talk to her about it she blind-sided me by dumping me. Intimacy is away to show affection, whether its sex or just cuddling on the couch or spooning in bed. If they’re always too tired to show you affection then they probably aren’t into the relationship anymore.

    Knowing what I know now, I would talk to her about it. Let her know how it makes you feel when she rejects your advances. Ask her how she feels about the relationship. DO NOT accept the line “it’s not you, it’s me” because that’s bullshit and doesn’t answer the question! I would go into the discussion prepared to walk away to find someone who can and will show affection. Call me, we can do coffee and talk about emotionally closed off exes.

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    #2: This is the same exact thing I went through up until I met my girlfriend. We ended up getting along so well because we have so much in common, and we are in about the same year of college. We also both have plans to go onto to graduate school in very similar fields. The best part is she just randomly found me on OKCupid, and decided my profile was cool enough to message me, so maybe you could start there looking for someone with similar interests and goals :)

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    Oh dear dear confused queers. Ignoring that gay girls ask what to do when they fall for straight girls will NOT stop it. Gay girls love falling for straight girls. Especially me. It’s like a game- oh your straight? Challenge accepted.

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    I’m number 6. I visited her last weekend. It’s not that she’s using the fact that she’s too tired as an excuse. She’s a senior in college and I’m in a one-year masters’ program. She legitimately is too tired — she often runs on four to five hours of sleep a night to get her homework done. My school is running me ragged too, so there have been nights where we both end up just falling asleep.

    Here’s the thing — we haven’t had sex yet. Part of it is that neither of us was really in a rush, and then I had a health issue “down there” that has taken many months to resolve.

    The other wrench in the works (which wouldn’t fit into 140 characters) is that she’s applying to a PhD programs and got rejected from the only program in the city I’m in. It’s likely that she’ll be nearby next year, but things are still up in the air.

    She’s still not ready to have sex, and the main reason is that she’s not sure if she wants things to get more complicated in case she ends up going to the school that’s far, far away. Obviously, this is unfair to me and I told her so. It feels like I’m going to have decide how much longer I can be patient before deciding I’m not.

    She has to send a decision to the schools out in a couple of weeks. Once that happens we’ll have more to talk about.

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      Having sex with someone for the first time is exhilarating and scary. However, it also brings with it a lot of emotions in a relationship. Maybe she’s protecting herself a little. A broken heart doesn’t forget easily. All I’m saying is you might need to lay it all on the line and tell her how you feel. She seems to be holding back making sure she isn’t going to get too close just to lose it all by going to school too far away. You might need to do what’s best for you if she’s not ready. Giver her a chance but don’t let her trample your heart.

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    #2: This can actually mean a lot of different things, so first you should identify which of the following three situations you’re in:

    I – You’re looking for a long-term, serious, possibly life long relationship, and the other girls your age are looking for an eight week fling. In this case dating older women might work for you. Although, it’s more a difference of attitude than age. Dating sites can be helpful with this since they allow people to be very clear about their intentions from the get-go, with less social awkwardness than charging your blind date headlong while screaming ‘DO YOU SEE YOURSELF MARRIED IN FIVE YEARS HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU WANT HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SPERM DONORS YET!’

    II – You want a casual (or ‘not necessarily serious’) relationship, with someone who shares your leisure interests. This means you may not be asking yourself ‘Is this my future wife?’ on the first date, but you have nothing in common with the girls you usually meet. Sit down and ask yourself, what do you see your ideal relationship like? What do you want to be doing with your girlfriend? Chances are, the most compatible person is out there doing those things alone (reading, hiking, playing video games) and looking for a partner. Relationships are more fun when you and your girlfriend have plenty in common.

    III – You want a relationship that doesn’t demand time away from your job, someone who won’t mind you prioritizing your career until you’ve established yourself. You want to be able to say ‘I’m not spending the night because I have an early meeting’ and have it be taken at face value, not as a veiled romantic rejection. My best suggestion is, hang out at coffee shops at quarter to eight in the morning, and hit on the lady wearing the most expensive looking suit. Another option: lunch-hour yoga classes. A casual relationship between two people who put their careers first can be very rewarding.

    VI (or IV? Who remembers?) – There’s definitely options I didn’t think of here. The key is to figure out what you want from a relationship, and then find out where the people who want that hang out.

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