Hi there. It’s me, DeAnne Smith. You may know me as a new and hilarious contributor to Autostraddle, or as a highly successful international stand up comedian, or as a friendly firecracker of enthusiasm and fun, or as the person sitting behind you on the bus, softly crying to herself. Yes, I am all of those things. And I am here today to talk to you about an issue very close to my heart: seasonal affective disorder.
Seasonal affective disorder, also kno…
Oh, I’m sorry. I drifted off there for a minute. What was I doing? Oh, just contemplating all the bad choices I’ve made in my life as I simultaneously felt the vitamin D drain out of my body in inverse proportion to the growing sense that I’ll never truly love or be loved. But moving on!
Seasonal affective disorder, also known as the “winter blues,” strikes between 2 to 10% of the population and accounts for 73% of Snuggie purchases. According to Wikipedia, symptoms of SAD (Isn’t that just the most apt and adorable acronym ever?) include difficulty waking up in the morning, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and a craving for carbohydrates. Because I believe sleeping in, spacing out, and totally fucking loving toast could also apply to college students, pot smokers, old people and pretty much anyone in the world worth knowing at all, I’ve made a slightly more realistic quiz for you to complete in order to know if you suffer from SAD. I’m calling it The SAD Quiz.
Don’t forget to jot down your answers for scoring!
THE SAD QUIZ
1. When the sun sets, I am usually:
a.) Whistling as I work. I love work! And whistling! And strawberry ice cream and chipmunks and buttons and eskimo kisses!
b.) Watching Oprah give away 600 thread count, organic, cotton sheet sets to South African orphans.
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position.
2. In Winter, I especially like to:
a.) Ski, girlfriend! Give me a brisk day and a snowy mountain and I’m in heaven! Eat, sleep, ski, repeat!
b.) Watch hockey, snowboarding, and an entire season’s worth of Glee episodes in one sitting.
c.) Cry, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day.
3. Most of my friends would say I am:
a.) Super fun, a super duper nice person, and amazing at Ultimate Frisbee! My fwiends awe da best! I wuv dem!!
b.) In control. Robin, Dr. Phil’s wife, says we can all make deliberate choices that lead to richer, happier, and more meaningful lives.
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day, which is filled with used tissues.
4. One thing that really gets on my nerves is:
a.) Mean people. Boo on meanies! Meanies send me straight to Frown Town!
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day, which is filled with used tissues and an ever increasing amount of Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Dorito crumbs.
5. Waking up in the morning, I think:
a.) Wow, God sure did make another blue-ribbon winner of a hum-dingingly glorious day! Yippee for everything! I feel like the mayor of Smile City!
b.) Did I already miss The View?
c.) …about how I’m still crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left in five days, which is filled with used tissues, an ever increasing amount of Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Dorito crumbs, and an unshakable sense that I’m an ultimately useless, random collection of molecules destined to live out a meaningless existence only to find myself at the end of it–having never even had so much as one truly decent hair cut– unloved, unaccomplished and deeply and utterly alone.
Mostly (a)s: You can fuck yourself.
Mostly (b)s: Congrats. You’re slugging through.
Mostly (c)s: Hey, do you get that cold, empty feeling in your chest? Like no amount of Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Doritos or praise or human touch will ever be enough? Only a few more months to go!
Hope that was helpful, guys!
(Incidentally, there are handy informational websites to help the SAD-afflicted in the U.S., U.K., and Canada. If you live in Australia, I’m pretty sure the website you’re directed to just tells you to harden the fuck up.)