Bomb Girls 211: Is This How Be Good Spy

This week on Bomb Girls, Gladys continues to take mystery-solving lessons from the Pretty Little Liars team, Kate and Betty plan a wedding in which they are not marrying each other, and Vera is a flawless queen who calls out bitches when she sees them. This week may also be the second to last time we see our beautiful ladies onscreen, because Global would prefer that we don’t have nice things.

We open on Marco doing Marco things, which has lately meant sneaking around in the dark with other Italians. Frankie is peer-pressuring Marco into building a bomb, and since they didn’t have DARE yet in the 1940s, I guess Marco hasn’t had to watch a video where poorly-trained child actors turn down their friends’ marijuana cigarettes. Since Marco has never learned to just say no, he just says yes.

OTALIANS

Over at the opera or something else that glamorous people attend, Gladys is avoiding her mother’s attempts to get someone to fuck the sad out of her daughter. She ends up chatting with Bad Accent British. He’s just hanging out in the same places Gladys is always hanging out, no biggie. Despite the fact that they are still responsible for the least effective spywork of all time, homegirl looks flawless and I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t kiss her face super hard in this scene. I mean, just really super hard and passionately and enough to make Bad Accent British grumpily return to the parking lot and sit in his car listening to Peter Frampton. SPIES!

TALK IN PUBLIC SPY STUFF IS THIS HOW BE GOOD SPY NOW

TALK IN PUBLIC SPY STUFF IS THIS HOW BE GOOD SPY NOW

The Golden Trio is exchanging wedding mags during their pre-work smoke (not to be confused with their first smoke of the day, pre-breakfast smoke, post-breakfast smoke, or waiting for the trolley smoke). Kate tells the girls she is going to make the wedding a quickie at City Hall and then enjoy a honeymoon in the glamorous vacation hotspot of Winnipeg. Vera and Betty react to the world’s least romantic wedding talk accordingly.

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But the real fun happens when Kate asks Betty to be her maid of honor. Because if there’s anything us dykes want to do for the woman we’ve never stopped loving, it’s stand next to her when she gets married to a dude.

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Since an important member of the Canadian government who lacks an American equivalent is coming to visit, everyone’s psyched and security is tight. But nothing is at tight as Kate’s lips when it comes to her family backstory! Ha, did you think I was gonna make another joke about tightness and lips? I am not that predictable, kids.

Ivan snatches a letter out of Kate’s hands because he’s fantastic like that, and sees some red flags involving her brother’s name and location. Kate covers her tracks, but Ivy is definitely suspicious. I mean, if my girlfriend gave me a girl’s name as a nickname and kept telling me to wear a blonde wig and pantsuits in the bedroom, I’d probably be suspicious, too.

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this doesn’t have to do with that mysterious package you got from babeland last week does it

Marco is, as usual, getting a lot of shit in regards to security because I guess the bloated horse carcass that is Marco Is Mistrusted By Everyone Around Him Narrative still has a few blows left, who knows. Gladys is suddenly not okay with Marco being mistrusted and fights with British Maybe about it, even though she has definitely been going along with all of this up until this moment. It doesn’t make sense that her convictions would change entirely in a millisecond, but British Maybe apparently has this personality-changing effect on stunning brunettes. SPIES!

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SPY BETRAY FRIEND GOOD SPY?? NO WANT BETRAY FRIEND

Vera is told she needs to retake her ID picture for a new card. She questions the possible implications of this action, but is stuntin’ hardcore for the camera. Baby girl, you’re a star.

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[intro to ciara song starts playing]

Carol is explaining to everyone how the governor general is technically royalty or something? I don’t know, you members of the British Empire confuse me with your people you put crowns on. Vera busts in only to discover her security clearance has been reduced and her position demoted. Carol is only too pleased to explain all this to her. For one hundred reasons, this is not the fuck okay.

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carol i have absolutely no issues with cutting you right now

Vera runs downstairs to confront Mr. Akins, who tells her that her time with Marco has cost her the job. Vera, continual champion of third wave feminism and committed to end slut-shaming, is not going to tolerate this shit. And as soon as she sees Gladys and Fake British What interacting, she knows exactly who she needs to take out.

wishabitch

Betty is selected to meet the important semi-royal dude because they asked specifically to meet the factory’s BDOC. JK, but Betty’s so awesome that even semi-royalty wants to bask in her glow.

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i’m not sure if a scissoring demonstration is necessary ma’am but if that’s what they want

Over at the only wing this hospital seems to have, Sheila is ignoring her mother. Lorna wants Sheila to come home because Bob’s going to be there for dinner, but Sheila’s snapping her gum and having none of it.

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Marco is on the phone with his accomplice not ten feet away from the po-po because all the blood is rushing to his cannoli instead of his brain. Did Marco go to subtlety lessons with Gladys? Is that what they were doing while Betty was graduating from swag class?

dude call me on my cell  my mom needs to use the phone

dude call me on my cell my mom needs to use the phone

Bob’s back! And he can walk! Sort of! Apparently the farm he was working at had magic walking juice in the milk, so that’s awesome for him. Also awesome for Lorna because she’s all over that ass after this last dry spell.

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lorna let me love you down there’s so many ways to love you

Vera comes over to Marco’s to tell him that she doesn’t care how amazing his cannoli is, she is not gonna sacrifice everything she’s done for her job just to stick by him. Feminism, y’all.

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i’m on a no carb diet now so get that cannoli out of my face

Over at the lesbian commune, Betty and Kate are awfully cozy on the couch while looking through bridal magazines. Betty is making a really good effort to be excited about what is imaginably the last fucking thing she wants to deal with ever. They talk about playing brides as kids and then Betty clears out after Ivan walks in and kisses Kate in a weird wet-sounding way. No thank you. Betty continues to be baffled and horrified by everything straight people do, especially when those straight people are the one dude you’ve ever banged and the one woman you’d do anything for if it meant feeling her love.

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just pick out a gown so i know what image to masturbate to tonight, kate

Ivan wants to get Kate’s brothers to come for the wedding. Kate says no, and Ivan says that she can’t say no. This marriage has success and happiness written all over it.

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Bob is giving Sheila The Talk, and by The Talk, I mean the Don’t Date Indian Dudes in Arranged Marriages Talk. Sheila continues to be frustrated by her parents constant efforts to treat her like she is in middle school and freaking out about periods. Unfortunately, Dr. Patel shows up and Bob gives him the kind of icy stare that I typically reserve for college-aged men who have not learned respect for women. Note: this is about 99% of college-aged men.

sometimes when a mommy loves a daddy very much, they decide to destroy the relationship their daughter is having with her indian boyfriend

sometimes when a mommy loves a daddy very much, they decide to cockblock their daughter

Marco shows up at Gladys’ bachelorette/widow pad to confront her about all her spy shenanigans. I was worried for a second that the tractor beam in Gladys’ Magical Vagina was going to start doing its usual work. Luckily, Marco is guarded by the protective shield left from encounters with Vera’s Equally Powerful Vagina, so. Gladys is starting to realize that spywork is really shitty and is a gateway drug that leads to making out with weird Possibly British Dudes in dark corridors and betraying people you sort of care about. SPIES!

GOOD SPY USE TELEPHONE WHY MARCO MAD TRY BE GOOD SPY FAIL HOW??

GOOD SPY USE TELEPHONE WHY MARCO MAD TRY BE GOOD SPY FAIL HOW??

Dr. Patel comes over to Chez Sadness to talk to Bob, but Bob says that Dr. Patel is super awful and they’re not down with this whole thing he’s doing with Sheila. Dr. Patel shits himself because a Bob scorned is not a Bob to cross.

please stop flapping your crutches and making screeching noises at me

please stop flapping your crutches and making screeching noises at me

Gladys goes to Accent Inaccurate What to plead for Marco’s case. He talks for a long time about how some guy named Ed gave them evidence, and I realized during his angry talking that he purses his lips, like, A LOT. Even when he’s talking, his lips are in a pursed position. Also, I’m glad we’ve all decided to blame this storyline for the show not getting renewed. Gladys takes Marco’s file when Accent Inaccurate What isn’t looking, because maybe this will help to take further blame from Marco? By his file suddenly going missing? SPIES!

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LISTEN GLADYS I’M MAKING OCEAN NOISES SHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHH

Betty is begging Vera to help with the bachelorette party because ain’t no party like a Vera Burr Party because a Vera Burr Party involves being naked. Lorna overhears and Betty awkwardly invites her. Because the person you want to take with you to the strip club is definitely your work supervisor. Yep.

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Carol comes in and does some Grade A Carol Backstabbery and Vera straight up calls her a bee with an itch. Shoutout to this show for involving lesbian sex, illegitimate conceptions, and sexually liberated women, and still somehow managing to never curse.

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ima read that bitch

Gladys goes to Marco to apologize and to show him that the man who has been reporting him has probably been the owner of the rival fireworks factory in town. I just want to take a hot second to say WHAT?! There is a “Rival Fireworks Factory” in Toronto whose sole objective is to take out their top competitor? They’re willing to throw the other factory owners in jail for life just to sell more fireworks? What other hijinks have these kids gotten up to in the past? I vote spin-off.

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GOOD SPY WORK IS HELP FRIEND I GOOD SPY NOW!!

Gladys invites How Accent So Bad over to her apartment, and he brings booze and is all ready to get down to the dirty, but it turns out she is actually just arranging a meeting between him and Marco so they can stop the bomb plan and help each other. I have never seen a face more disappointed and sexually frustrated in my life. SPIES!

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THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO SPY NO MORE SPY FOR YOU GLADYS

Sheila crashes dinner, which Reggie adorably excuses herself from to keep reading the latest issue of Rookie and finish watching Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Bob and Lorna realize this is not the dinner they had in mind, as Sheila yells at her parents for fucking with her life once again. Because fun fact, Dr. Patel has broken up his arranged marriage and now vowed to marry Sheila. Sheila wasn’t in this for a ring, y’all! Sheila is not the kind of girl you wife, she is the kind of girl who gets her rocks off and then reminds you not to hollaback once she’s done with you and sent you home to your fiancee. Sheila is a modern woman who was born about 20 years too early and does not have time for this prehistoric marriage bullshit. Sheila and Vera should start a club together called So Much More Than They’ve Got Planned and form a lesbian commune in the woods where no one will bother them about their liberated lifestyles. After they become lesbians, obviously.

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this is about my fuck the patriarchy tattoo isn’t it dad

And now for the most heartbreaking scene in the episode, and maybe in the past few episodes.

Ivan: It’s about Kate. Something’s off. I’ve never met somebody who’s so torn up about their family before.

Betty: Way I see it, our Kate never once felt loved. Til you, Ivy. That’s where you come in.

This scene broke my heart for a lot of reasons. It’s not just sad because Betty is having to tell Ivan point blank that he makes Kate feel loved, which is a gigantic sword in Betty’s sizeable dyke pride. It’s because Betty loved Kate (and probably still loves Kate, since love is not the kind of thing you can switch off when the unrequited feelings bill is too high this month) and wanted to make Kate feel loved with every bone in her body, and she’s not sure she ever accomplished that. She’s also not sure that Ivan does make Kate feel loved, but since she wants Kate to be happy she’s going to try and believe the same lies that have led Kate to the altar. And ultimately, Betty knows that it doesn’t matter if Kate has ever felt Betty’s love or not, because she’s about to marry Ivan and that’s the only person that Kate is supposed to love back.

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well you know what they say about girls and secrets and murdering their dad and lesbianism

Marco is using a little old Catholic guilt to get to Frankie by reminding him that his father isn’t locked up in jail like Marco’s father, hur-hur. Catholic guilt: The actual thing that raised me.

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by all means, set off this bomb. it’s not like my father is going to die behind bars.

Things happen pretty quickly now: the important British royal sort of person shows up, Marco gets everyone arrested, Lorna and Bob start doing it on the couch. Most importantly, Kate’s mother is alive, which I totally didn’t call, and Kate sobs to see her again. We also sob because there hasn’t been enough sad in this episode and we have a tear quota to fill here.

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muffled audience sobbing in distance

Over at the opera, British What How has been caught in the Magical Vagina tractor beam. Blergh. But then we get the preview for next week and SHIT IS HAPPENING, GUYS. All I saw was Betty and Kate holding hands on the same bed and I spit out my whiskey sour. Let’s hope and pray to Saint Betty’s Holy Swagger that this is not the final recap I ever write for this show.

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Professional lonesome polecat. Kate is living proof that you can take the hillperson out of the mountains, but she's still probably going to run back to the mountains anyway. Kate prefers the trashy to the classy, and the tender to everything else. Full-time writer, part-time lover. Heart got so big and soggy that she had to cut off all her sleeves.

Kate has written 124 articles for us.

35 Comments

  1. Thumb up 1

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    These recaps are the shit. Makes me even more heartbroken that they’re gonna stop too.
    Super tense for next week, I have that evil, paranoid feeling that they’re gonna risk Betty going to jail to protect Kate

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    “Because if there’s anything us dykes want to do for the woman we’ve never stopped loving, it’s stand next to her when she gets married to a dude.”

    Word. and also Truth. Also LOL!

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    ‘kay, so, did no one else get immense “Something is Totally Wrong About This” vibes with Kate’s mom just suddenly coming back out of the blue? Girlfriend and I suspect that Kate’s dad is still very much alive and it’s a trap because that was way too easy and cut-and-dry. Besides, Ivan writing to Kate’s brothers behind her back is not going to be a noble gesture, so something has to be up…

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    I figured it out, IFC is actually the one behind the ending of Bomb Girls; the interviews Kate and Betty have with the cops next week is a segue to that women’s prison spinoff with Alice Pieszecki, it’s a magical cross-generational incarceration mashup!

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    Is there actually any reason at all to like Ivan? Even the actor, who played fricken Derek from “Life with Derek” makes me angry just because Derek was such a dick in that show. And he’s literally playing the same character, just in a 1940′s version. Snatching letters out of girls hands, the whole burlesque deal, and now not even letting Kate have a say in inviting her family.. Everything about him makes me mad.
    it could also be that I’m just mad that he stole Kate from Betty.
    I hope he dies, since this is just a tv show and we are allowed to wish for that, right?

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    So I am rewatching The L Word (because I hate myself? I dont even know why…) but up pops Marco in the very first episode. He’s totally the motorcycle guy that Tina & Bette try to have sex with to get pregnant.

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        IMDb is telling me she shows up in the second episode and raps “Baby Got Back” with a terrible haircut. IMDb is also telling me that Marco shows up in the pilot, but I don’t think that’s right. I think he shows up either in the second or third episode. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. Then again, on Netflix they split the pilot into two episodes so maybe the numbering is off and the second episode is actually just the second half of the first episode and the third episode is really the second?

        Why does “The L Word” have to be so frustrating in absolutely every way?

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        I also find the episode numbering on TLW to be really confusing. But yeah Marco is in the second half of the pilot, he is the stealing sperm dude. And I checked that IMDb reference a few months back and rewatched… and yes, pretty sure that is Ali Liebert doing karaoke, she looks a bit different but the voice is definitely hers. That’s the gaydar episode, one of my favourites (of course, that show was pretty terribly done and so it didn’t have much competition, but oh well).

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    BECAUSE LOVE IS NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU CAN SWITCH OFF WHEN THE UNREQUIETED FEELINGS BILL IS TOO HIGH THIS MONTH!!

    It is most definitely the kind of thing you can send sixteen unsubscribing emails directly into the spam folder XD

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