First of all, huge shout-out to the super incredible folks who make Bomb Girls. I’m obsessed with your show, and I’m glad that you’re at least nominally comfortable with my obsession. Now that I know you read my recaps, I’m going to stop making so many lewd clitoris jokes.

Kidding! All of the clitoris jokes. All of them.

In this week’s episode, even more people got lucky than last time, and I had to get up and vomit at not one, but two points in the narrative! Also, there is a lot of talk about following one’s heart and I cried like the 5’8″ infant I am. This show has taken over my life, okay? I look forward to it all week and then I spend an hour crying and eating my feelings and saying things like “YOU LOVE HER JUST TELL HER YOU LOVE HER YOU BIG STUPID LESBIAN GOD YOU ARE BOTH SO PERFECT” at my computer screen, and then I have to take an angry nap because I can’t deal with my emotions. This is why this recap took so long. Because feelings.

The girls arrive at the factory on a parade float. Between a company parade float and the Valentine’s Day decorations, the VicMu accountants’ blood pressure continues to rise at a dangerous rate. The girls are supposed to be boosting wartime morale, but we all know there’s a much more appropriate use for that float.

HEY HEY HO HO THE PATRIARCHY HAS GOT TO GO

Since everyone is in Super Canada Wartime Pride Mode, Marco is across town trying to sign his perfect ass up for war. Unfortunately they have a strict No Italian Pastry Policy, and have deduced that he is not just excited to see them, but that is, in fact, a biscotti in his pocket.

i’m not even sure my cannoli will fit into a uniform, sir

Lorna is holding an after-school cooking seminar for her Brownie troop, aka Troop VicMu Blue Shift. They are going to earn their Rice Krispie Treat Badge or something. Is that a badge you can earn? I lasted a week in Brownies, and then they asked me to leave because I kept eating the activity supplies.

look bob, i can tell you on good authority that ketchup is a legitimate form of lubricant

Back at the ranch, Gladys asks Marco to pass out some enlistment flyers to his buddies. Marco says he doesn’t want to pass out her stupid flyers because he is dealing with some stuff right now, okay Gladys?! Vera says he is just peeved because of the army’s Anti-Spaghetti Sentiments. Gladys decides that she is going to make him her pet project because she is the Cher Horowitz of this munitions factory.

Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ’cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Italians.

Betty’s sad because Kate wasn’t in a rainbow bikini on the float this morning, and Kate says she was sleeping in after partying hard with her hockey buddies. Kate says a “soldier boy” bought all the drinks and um is that a hint of a challenge I hear in her beautiful Disney voice and see in her beautiful Disney face?

you missed me getting drunk in my room while rewatching the l word and wishing carmen was a real person

Betty says to pace herself because the Maple Leafs might actually have a decent season and pigs are flying across the sky in droves. Actually, I should clarify that at one point in history Toronto did actually have a decent hockey team and this is not just a raving fever dream from the Leafs fans in the writers’ room. And since nothing puts Canadians in the mood like hockey and being considerate, you can bet this episode promises some sweet, sweet lovin’ for all consenting participants.

Gladys tells Marco she is about to give his life a total makeover, aka he can now sit at their table at lunch, pick out new hot outfits in a shopping montage set to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and maybe get his father out of internment camp. Marco says that springing his dad and trying to find a cute bag that will match his eyes is a lost cause.

on wednesdays we wear pink also you have got to put the cannoli away because i am watching my carbs

Down at Ye Olde Canteene, Betty is explaining why she doesn’t need to attend a cooking class, aka achieve her Rice Krispies Treat Badge, by speaking only in lesbian sex innuendo. Right? Please tell me I’m not the only one who heard that.

Kate is experiencing some shaky finger issues because hey girl, we’ve all been there the morning after. Lorna notices the Lesbian Version of Morning Wood and calls foul. She assigns Kate to inventory because she can’t have a drunk on the assembly line. That would be as crazy as a fully grown man busting through a gigantic heart in a toga! Crazy, I tell you!

lesbian-sex-induced carpal tunnel syndrome is a real condition with real consequences, miss andrews

Kate goes down to the warehouse to take care of her duties, which actually means she is going at the secret stash of booze pretty hard. Leon tries to heal her with song, but when this doesn’t work he goes for nostalgia and calls her a church mouse. Kate makes it clear she is no church mouse.

Brownie Troop Blue Shift is about to earn their Rice Krispie Treat Badge. Kidding! They’re earning a Cow Tongue Badge! God bless Meg Tilly in her infinite wonderfulness for handling this situation. I myself had to leave the room and listen from my kitchen while I contemplated letting my recently digested meal of Oreo Fudge Cremes have a visit with the sink.

i want to make a joke in this caption but i am literally too disturbed to do so

Everyone’s priceless faces look like that time I accidentally downloaded hetero porn.

BUT WHY IS HE PUTTING IT IN THERE

you can’t just start with three fingers what is this moron playing at this is some shoddy technique

Needless to say, only a few people earned their badges that day as most of the girls had their moms pick them up early. Lorna is discouraged by her Brownie Troop’s serious disinterest in the tongues of dead cattle. I can’t post any more screencaps of this situation because I cannot revisit this cow tongue situation for at least a few days, or at least when I am able to hold down more than ginger ale and crackers.

Gladys meets her father for her mother’s birthday dinner, even though she has been working really hard on this whole Independent Woman thing. She uses this time to get him to help her with Celebrity Makeover: Marco Edition. Unfortunately, even the inventor of Toaster Strudel has his mortal limits. Gladys is not to be discouraged though because she is like 94% sure she can make Marco over in time to get him a homecoming date and get his dad back.

omg dad you are literally so embarrassing right now i can’t even lumping talk to you

Over at Ye Olde Hockey Bar, the Leafs are continuing this extra special winning streak. Everyone is getting touchy-feely with news of the victory and Kate, yes, that precious angel, HIGH FIVES HER DATE. Shoutout to every closeted queermo who has ever avoided physical contact with handshakes, high fives, and other incredibly awkward ways to touch a person without encouraging hugs or kisses. A gif is the only way to show this.

credit: geekingisunderrated@tumblr

Betty and Ivan have a conversation about Ivan wanting to finally get lucky because according to all the straight guys with neckbeards on Okcupid, he has “put in the time” and “deserves to finally get out of the friendzone” because he is a “nice guy.” You know, because women are actually Sex Machines and if you put enough Niceness Tokens in them, eventually they will have sex with you. Betty compares Ivan to Hitler, and says she needs to go hit the hay. It’s the most beautiful beard avoidance I’ve ever seen.

Leafs won today, babe. It’s a damn wonder. Enough to make a guy think anything can happen.

Yeah, it’s like Hitler. He thinks he’s won but the series isn’t over. I better go.

I wasn’t talking about Hitler.

Over at Joyless Junction, Lorna tricks Bob into eating the cow tongue. It is sweet, sweet vengeance since he is the human form of Grumpy Cat.

Gladys goes to Casa Marco to tell him she’s gotten a hearing for his father, and, like, the cutest fucking skirt at Forever 21, he is literally gonna die when he sees it. Marco doesn’t think it’ll work with his skin tone, plus his dad is super stubborn, and tells his mother that they should “postare.” From this word, Gladys understands they are going to postpone the hearing, which is hilarious because my first thought would have been “send him some mail.”

i went to all the trouble of finding you an outfit that would match those heinous glitter flats you picked out and this is how you respond

Betty finds Kate passed out on the couch. It looks like Kate is experiencing my sophomore year in college, when I was often woken up by lesbians who had found me sleeping naked on their couch. Betty, overcome with LoveforKate-itis, is starting to get super concerned about Kate’s behavior. Kate says she’s just trying to have a normal life, which requires her to push away her memories.

I’m having a good time. It keeps me from remembering things I wanna forget.

Running away won’t fix it. Your dad is dead.

We agreed, Betty, a normal life from here on in. That’s what I want, just like you. A good job, a guy like Ivan.

Betty makes her typically heart-breaking face. It’s like someone is ripping out my feelings and individually stomping and then drowning all of them.

i just feel like this couch really limits the positions we can try

Marco and Gladys play hooky to go deal with their similar Daddy Issues. Vera has been acquiring lots of love tokens and can I just say GET IT GIRL. Lorna is disappointed in Vera’s lack of enthusiasm for the Beef Tongue Badge, and Vera says she would rather earn a Pretty Pretty Princess Badge. Vera is my femme inspiration.

IS THIS ABOUT THAT ‘SLUT PRIDE’ BADGE THAT YOU CONFISCATED FROM ME

Gladys and Casa Marco stop to picnic because apparently Italians cannot go twenty minutes without ingesting pasta or they will implode. As someone who has dated Italians, I can confirm this.

author’s note: i’m sorry gladys is there an environment that you don’t look fucking perfect in

Bob is trying to get a job, but they have a strict Anti-Grumpy Policy. I didn’t know Canada was ever this unfriendly ever, guys!

Leon runs into Betty at Ye Olde Smoking Poste and tells her that Kate’s been a little too thirsty lately if you know what I mean. He suggests church, which is often to lesbians what buckets of water were to the Wicked Witch of the West. Betty says she’d rather have sex with a dude and blows him off. Ha…ha.

just spell the alphabet out seriously she’ll love it

Gladys and Casa Marco show up to the internment camp, all ready to get dressed up for the big dance and spring Marco’s dad. The guard says he has no idea who they are or what they’re doing there, and Gladys says she doesn’t think her father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.

i drove all the way here in gucci heels you piece of shit

Casa Marco is finally reunited. Marco tries to talk his dad into cooperating but he is not willing to work with people who have such strong feelings against linguine. Ugh, I miss the fetus pastry jokes, guys. There is only so much I can do with pasta.

son is that a cannoli in your pocket or

Since this week’s episode is all about makeovers, Vera gives Brownie Troop Leader Lorna a complete makeover. Then they go to Friendly’s for ice cream and have a sleepover while they cuddle puppies. Because that’s what Brownie troops did, right? Right?

and it won’t rub off on either pair of lips

At first Lorna is like no way, but then she looks in the mirror at home and is like yes way. It’s really adorable, I’m sorry.

totally taking selfies later and uploading them to my self care tumblr

Marco’s talk with his father isn’t going super swell because a) his father refuses to cooperate and b) his father doesn’t even think he is gonna look good in his homecoming dress. Then he salutes Mussolini which is kind of a big no, and they detain them both. Gladys sort of wishes she were back at the lesbian commune right now, eating organic snacks with her lesbian friends and swapping stories about menstruation.

MARIO! LUIGI!

Vera picks up a new soldier because this is her new hobby, this picking up soldiers and getting awesome presents from them thing. Again, continued YOU GO GIRL.

damn girl you look perkier than this nipple hat i’m wearing

Down at Outdoor Sex Lookout, Betty and Ivan are listening to the big game while Ivan tries to get his big game on. Eeeerrrggghhh. At first, Betty seems her usual reluctant self, and I really need Ali Liebert to stop making these faces so I will stop crying hysterically. Ivan brings Hitler up one more time, and Betty finally gives in, just as the announcer yells HE SHOOTS HE SCORES.

REALLY DUDE ARE YOU BACK ON THIS HITLER SHIT AGAIN

For those of you who don’t speak hockey, Ivan put his kielbasa in Betty’s haggis after fondling her neeps and tatties.

TABARNAK

I want to be serious for a hot second, because while these recaps are usually a non-stop party of lesbian sex jokes, there are important things happening in this show that deserve a serious discussion. I usually rant and rave about how mainstream media forces lesbian roles to require certain tropes, mainly that lesbian characters often sleep with men because it will make them remain “appealing” to the male population that watches television, that it allows for the commodification of female bodies, that no matter their sexuality they must always remain sexually available to male eyes. And I’m sure there are some people who reacted negatively to this scene. We remember the Betty of last season who spent so much time building the confidence to be true to her feelings, who seemed to know herself well enough that she was dyke-nodding the other queermos in the bar, and owning her love for Kate. I think we even felt her more at the beginning of this season, but we have to remember a few key things: Betty’s entire life was at stake. An accusation of lesbianism was one that could ruin a life and livelihood. Being called a deviant was no passing insult. And this was not the age of It Gets Better and a community that encouraged coming out of the closet. This was a time when homosexuality was dangerous. Assigning anger to Betty because she slept with a man is holding her to standards that were not available in her time. This is not the efforts of the media behind Bomb Girls to make Betty a more attractive character. This is the reality of the time. This is a thing that happened, and happened often. And it should make us sad and angry, but we should also understand that circumstances were different and we are incredibly lucky even for the small progresses we’ve made.

In other news! Vera’s boyfriend turns out to be a coward and she is “over it” because her body is a temple and not about to be tainted by his bullshit. He tries to slut-shame her but SURPRISE DUDE she is not about to feel ashamed of her body or her sexuality. Ugh, Vera, I love you so much.

did you not notice the “no coward zone” tattooed on my pubic line

Casa Marco is held overnight. Someone makes a mysterious call and frees Marco! Unfortunately he is looking a little overcooked.

NOW WHO’S GONNA DANCE WITH ME AT HOMECOMING LOOK AT ME GLADYS JUST LOOK AT ME

Betty finds Kate having a moment with her Perfect Disney Face in the mirror, and realizes something needs to change. Also, are we to assume they are sleeping in the same bed together? WHY ARE YOU DEPRIVING US OF THAT SCREENTIME, BOMB GIRLS?! IMPORTANT THINGS ARE PROBABLY HAPPENING THERE.

i just really don’t want you to start one of those jenny season 4 spirals you know what i mean

Bob has got a newsstand to keep his retired grumpy hands busy. Lorna looks so pretty (!!!) and can I just say that if this season is about her becoming like ACTUALLY happy and content in herself and her life, I will be so pleased? Also they HAVE A FAMILY WHISTLE?! My family just kind of yelled each other’s names until one of us felt like responding.

we ran out of hustler this morning but there’s still a few playgirls left

Betty takes Kate to Leon’s church, where they have very different reactions to the message of love and acceptance. First of all, Ali Liebert, let me just repeat that you need to stop making these faces or I will not have a goddamned heart left. Kate leaves early because she is used to solving her emotional issues by singing to talking birds and dancing through the forest.

STAHP

This whole being true to oneself stuff is really striking a chord with Betty, who promptly has The Talk with Ivan.

So Betty shaves her beard. This is much nicer than when I broke up with my high school boyfriend by emailing his mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be coming to his birthday dinner because I didn’t really feel anything for her son.

Lorna and Bob come home only to hear the family whistle (why was the family whistle necessary? how did the family whistle come about? DEDICATE AN EPISODE TO THE FAMILY WHISTLE) and Eugene is home! It’s adorable. This is all adorable. I am again overcome with one million feelings and this show needs to stop tearing out my heart, okay?

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