Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon and shopstyle links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
Hello! Every year the Autostraddle Team bands together to tell you what we want for the Winter Holidays, in hopes that our desires enhance your perspective on the desires of your lovers, friends, family, and co-workers. In addition to obviously wanting an Autostraddle Calendar and other merch, there are just so many objects in the world to buy! YAY CONSUMERISM! Let’s not waste any time. For additional inspiration, check out last year and the year before that.
Books & Knives
Books. So many books. I got a Kobo a few months ago and for some reason buying ebooks does not feel like buying real books and now I am going broke. Books I am specifically interested in at this moment of space/time include Saints Astray, by Jacqueline Carey. Have I talked enough about my love for Jacqueline Carey? Because hot damn.
The one sharp knife I currently own is a. originally from Dollarama, and b. no longer sharp despite being serrated. Something about having an eight-inch stainless steel chef’s knife seems pretty awesome, but at this point I would really just like a solid-looking utility knife than can, unlike my current knife, make it all the way through an apple. Or a piece of bread.
Books, Screenprinting & Warmth
The Art of Fielding. This is a book, one that has received a fairly significant amount of acclaim this year. It is about baseball and also I believe some gay stuff. With those three facts combined, it just seems stupid that I should have to buy this for myself. Really? Not one of the people I know in life has seen this and thought “Oh, OBVIOUSLY Rachel probably LOVES this?” What is wrong with them?
Screenprinting Kit. Just because I hated everything about summer camp and was the least cool kid every single year doesn’t mean I don’t love arts and crafts. I want to screenprint the days of the week on my underwear, James Baldwin onto an inspirational poster to put above my bed and stare at dreamily every night before I fall asleep, and Autostraddle onto everything else.
Hot Water Bottle. One of my best friends, who Knows From Cold because she lives in Canada, says she is going to get me this, but I want it so bad that really what’s wrong with having more than one? I am not a proud person and I do not lead a glamorous life; low-tech ways of keeping warm and surviving winter are pretty high up my priority list. If the old-fashioned hot water bottle is as magical as she claims, something may finally approach the glory of the days when I was like 8 and we visited my one aunt whose had beds with electric blankets on them. Can you even imagine.
This Chanukah I’m only asking for things I have no way in hell of buying for myself. That would be a real gift– receiving something that I would never ever actually buy for myself no matter how much I want/need it.
First up, I like to listen to music while I snowboard (which is probably dangerous) but my helmet jams my earbud so far in to my ear that it’s giving me a blunt-force daith piecing. It turns out that there are these nifty helmets that have audio hook-ups right in the ear piece. The brand of helmet I like, Giro, even has this whole cool line of different sound systems that integrate right in to your helmet called Tuneups. How cute is that name? So wouldn’t it be smart of me to go buy the Giro Seam Snow Helmet and the Giro Tuneups with Bluetooth? It would be a great idea since the helmet even comes in this magical sunset color. But, of course, I’ll never buy this for myself because you have to buy both parts which is way to much coordination for me to handle and, technically, speaking, I already have a working sound system with my ear-digging headphones. But god it would be cool to have a wireless bluetooth situation so I could stop getting choked by the headphone cord.
Also I really need a new purse. I’ve been carrying around the tote-bag I designed in elementary school for about two months now. It was looking okay until one of my coworkers spilled a Miller High Life on it about five weeks ago. What I really want is a satchel (which I totally told you all to get in the fall) but unfortunately the one I want doesn’t approximate any representation of reality. The Heritage Bayswater Satchel by Mulberry is basically the best purse ever made. It’s the right size and a perfect color but actually it costs $1,500 dollars. Who the hell is spending a grand and a half on purses? I can’t really justify buying this for myself until I’m donating at least $100 grand to charity every year. This past year I donated $200 bucks to NPR (less the cost of my free mug) so I’m S.O.L unless someone buys it for me. I shouldn’t even be talking about this purse except I’m so enamored that I cut out the Mulberry advertisement and tacked it up at work.
Finally, someone needs to buy me a laundry system. I moved in to my apartment two years ago and never bought one. It’s been on my to-do list since then. There’s clothing all over the floor and I don’t know what to do. It’s scary in here and I need to get to the bathroom but I sort of can’t get out Hoarders style. Preferably a laundry system that comes with three hamper compartments for darks, lights and dry clean with an overhead bar to hang things I’m going to wear again.
Books & Underwear
Reading is one of my favorite things to do with my eyeballs. Another thing I like to do with my eyeballs is watch television and with the Level 26 trilogy you can do both because they are “Digi-Novels.” You read a few chapters, then go to a website, enter a code and watch a short video of the characters in the novel that relates to the events you just read about. I already have in my possession the first two books in the series and I desperately want the third (Dark Revelations), which comes out Dec. 29th, but it can be pre-ordered now. And if you need more convincing you should know all the books are about really twisted serial killers and they are written by the creator of CSI: Crime Scene Investigations.
I just moved from Florida to northernish California and I’ve noticed that this special new place has something that Florida never did — Winter. I am not prepared for this in the slightest. So these thermal undershirts might come in handy.
While we’re on the subject of things that keep you warm, I could use some more pairs of Smartwool socks. Now I don’t know exactly what makes the fabric of these socks so intelligent, but when it comes to keeping your feet nice and snuggly these socks are freakin’ Eisenstein, and this is coming from a person whose daily outlook on life and general happiness is directly related to the warmth and comfort of her feet. They are the next best thing to warming your cold feet on a hot chick.
When I saw the trailer of The Hunger Games I sat in amazement that I had never even heard of these books. Everything about this story is right up the ally of things I find interesting and readable. Like a good little person with no money I went to the library and put a hold on the trilogy only to see that there are 319 people in front of me. So unless I want to wait until 2098 to read this I need someone to buy it for me.
Also, WeWOOD watches are pretty cool. They’re made of wood, hence the name, and look interesting, which means lots of chicks will want to touch it and you by default. AND WeWOOD plants a tree for every watch you buy, so there’s that.
Hair Clippers, Water Colors and Miracle Fruit
Even though I know I will not be getting hair clippers for Christmas (I’ve asked for that effing cordless drill for 3 years now), I am putting them on my list. If you’re listening, family, I would be able to cut my hair in ⅓ the time it takes me to cut it with scissors, which would give me approximately twenty extra minutes to devote to stereotypically feminine pursuits. That’s twenty minutes a month that could be spent on quilting, shopping for makeup and reading Cosmo. Or, you know, drilling holes.
As crafty as I like to think I am, water colors are one thing I’ve never understood. My friend let me play with hers the other day and I’ve decided it’s something I’d like to get better at. You can blend them just like other types of paint and they come in minuscule, adorable containers that you can fit in your pocket. If you have to know, the fact that they are tiny is probably 80% of the reason I want them. I love tiny things! You could give me a very small cockroach and I’d be positively pleased as a peach.
Have you heard of this stuff? It’s a magical berry that changes sour foods like lemons and rhubard into things you’d actually want to eat without first putting them inside a pie! Goat cheese, beer, strawberries, avocado, and salsa are some of the foods I’ve heard you should try with it and are, coincidentally, some of my favorite things to put in my mouth. It’s basically an excuse to have a party. In the interest of practicality, I think I’d like tablets; however, I wouldn’t be opposed to a seedling to add to my plant menagerie.
Funny and Useful Things
Hey, so, apparently I’m hard to buy for because I don’t really want things. And if I do want something, I tend to just go ahead and get it for myself. (One of the best parts of being an adult!) So, here are some things I think YOU or someone in your life will enjoy that I might, like, already own or something. And the bonus part is, they’re all relatively affordable!
Any Maria Bamford CD. Do you like your satire super sharp and mind-bendingly hilarious? Then get some Maria Bamford into your life. She is pure genius. Trust me. And her comedy is a great litmus test for finding out who is awesome in your world and who has zero sense of humor.
Memory Foam Pillow. This is good for:
a. feeling luxurious
b. sleeping soundly in a variety of positions
c. enticing the sweet honeys into your bed
d. all of the above
A Slouch Hat. Everyone looks hot in a slouch hat. EVERYONE. Plus, in winter, you can wake up, throw one of these over your bed head and be sexy all day long, with zero effort. Please nobody tell me these are “so 2008” or something. I couldn’t handle that. I think they are perfect.
Betty White’s Latest. I bought, like, four copies of this book because I can think of so many people who will like it. Betty White is super popular right now. Like canning your own vegetables and claiming to be “over Facebook.”
Crock Pot. “Chuck all your cut-up stuff in a hot hole, leave it, and hours later experience deliciousness.” That’s how every crock pot recipe should read, because THAT’S HOW EASY IT IS. Great if, like me, you’re busy and lazy and have a thing for the 70s.
NEXT: Shoes, Hello Kitty Toaster, Whisky Stones, Underpants, Design*Sponge, Messenger Bags, Espresso Machine and so much more!