Autostraddle’s Get Baked Sale!

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Hello and welcome to Autostraddle’s Get Baked Sale! In which we will sell as many cookies as you can order in one day. We’re super excited you’re here!

Quick refresher: In less than a day, Autostraddle readers raised over $40,000, enabling us to rebuild our site and give you everything you deserve in a community. Now we’re hoping to give you — and our staff — even more. Because of your dedication and generosity, we were able to hire Alex Vega as our full-time Design Director! We’ve also designed new You Do You boybriefs, Autostraddle This boxer briefs, and of course, Alex dance-covered Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend.” We’re SO PROUD and SO EXCITED for the future! The Ultimate Dream Goal is $100,000, which would enable us to pay all of our writers and editors, as well as guarantee a tattoo of Tinkerbell on Alex’s behind.

Which brings us to today! Autostraddle’s Get Baked Sale goal is $3,500, and it’s part of this week’s overall goal to reach $80k by Friday, so we can give our Senior Editor Rachel what every birthday girl deserves: a fair salary. Let’s take a look at all the delicious yummy treats we have up our alternative lifestyle sleeves:

Get Bake Sale Bonus! TODAY ONLY! Bren is also baking her world famous homemade dog biscuits, just for your dogs! Also your cats could probably eat them. Maybe even your toddlers, if you had toddlers. But Bren’s homemade dog biscuits are available TODAY ONLY — not any day in the future nor any day in the past.

See where it says we’ll accomodate any allergy or aversion? We mean it! Do you have an aversion to lemon, but still want some citrus butter cookies? Person, I will leave out that lemon, just for you. And when you say gluten-free, we know you’re not kidding — we will not mess around with your insides. We’ve just loved you for so long, and we’re super serious about your guts and feelings!

Here’s maybe the most important thing: today is the final and absolute last day you can order these tasty treats! We’ve been updating the available number of cookie perks so that all the people could have some, but that stops today. If you wake up tomorrow and decide you’d like to have a box of Laura’s finest homemade Oreos delivered right to your door, it will be too late. I don’t want you to live with that albatross of regret, and neither does your therapist.

[CLICK HERE TO ORDER SOME COOKIES TODAY]

via flickr

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Frequently Asked / Wondered Questions

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Will I be able to choose which cookies I receive? How??

Yes! After the campaign has ended, you’ll receive an email asking you which cookies you want and what your address is. In addition to the seven choices listed above,  cookie perks ordered today will also have the option of choosing Bren’s dog biscuits.

I have a serious allergy! How will I let you know about it?

You’ll tell us when you choose your cookie. We’ll remind you in the email.

I ordered the cookie perk a week ago. Will I be able to get Bren’s dog biscuits instead of cookies?

No. If you want some dog biscuits that Bren has made with her heart and her hands, you’ll need to order another cookie perk today. Does that seem insane? We just want to be able to pay our writers and editors who work so hard to make Autostraddle so fantastic, you know?

When will I receive my cookies?

Orders will begin shipping out at the end of September. You’ll get an email when we ship your cookies, so you can camp out by your mailbox with a thermos full of milk.

Can I have the cookies shipped to someone else’s address?

Yes!

What if I’m in Australia and I want snickerdoodles?

We will cross that bridge when we get to it.

How many cookies are we talkin’ here?

One dozen!

Who needs Autostraddle baked goods?

you
your mom
her mom
your dad
your best friend who just moved to a new city
your ex-girlfriend whose cat just died
your hairstylist
the roommate who never talks but eats all the food
someone celebrating a birthday in late September – October
people in forests
people on sidewalks
people on boats
tall people
people who are asleep
people who didn’t pay their cable bill
short people
people who inexplicably prefer grape jam over blackberry jam
et cetera et al ad nauseum

No one doesn’t need a cookie.

[I’M READY TO ORDER SOME COOKIES NOW]

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Real talk: Autostraddle is only here because of you — you know that, right? That there’d be no Autostraddle if you hadn’t been listening? And no conversations if you hadn’t spoke up? Thank you for your overwhelming support and love love love. You are absolutely the best people on the entire internet, end of story. We can’t wait to make you some foods!

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[TAKE ME TO THE COOKIES]

 

Please note that I purposely didn’t use any foul or suggestive language in this post, so you can forward the link to your grandma! Your boss! Anyone on earth, really.

Profile photo of Laneia Nicole

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and she thinks you're fucking rad. She's 33, has two kids, two dogs, one Megan, some personal essays and a lot of emails in her inbox.

Laneia Nicole has written 356 articles for us.

55 Comments

  1. Thumb up 6

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    if people in europe want cookies I can bake + send but I’ll be out and about past september so that drive would have to be late august/ early september if that’s okay? I’d love to be able to include eurostraddlers more some way.

    • Thumb up 4

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      It’s actually all very altruistic, caring housemates [such as i] would hate for any of your food to become less than perfectly fresh, so we eat all of the super secret stash… and then we replace it… the next time you [the hoarder of all things sweet] drag us to the store. At which point the cycle is repeated. Plus you know that stuff isn’t good for you.

  2. Thumb up 3

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    By my calculations of the current figure of $77,851, minus $5000 from sangria induced misadventure, current figure is $72,850. This means if we want Rachel to be paid (WHICH WE DO, WE REALLY DO) 103 batches of cookies need to be bought (80,000-72,850)/50.

    We can so do that, right? (There is a dollar left over for giggles, we should take it and buy freezie pops).

  3. Thumb up 5

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    I meant to say this before, but

    are there really people who think grape is better than blueberry jam? NOTHING IS BETTER THAN BLUEBERRY JAM. NOTHING WILL EVER BE BETTER THAN BLUEBERRY JAM.

    This reminds me of a short story I read in high school. I don’t even remember what story it was, but a bit of it stuck with me–this guy is in a diner, and he asks the waitress for jam, and he gets grape jelly. He then bemoans, “in a world of (lists of jams I can’t remember, including orange marmalade) you always get grape jelly.”

    screw grape jelly. BLUEBERRY FOREVER.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    Good call updating the menu with everyone’s location!

    If the cookie goal is $3,500 then the “limit” on indiegogo should be raised pretty soon. It’s at 100. $3,500 is 70 cookies and when this bake sale started you had already sold (I think) 60 cookies. So if you did sell $3,500 worth of cookies that would put the grand total at 130 batches of cookies(that’s 1,560 cookies!).

    BUT to make an update on Marika’s math: the fundraiser is at $74,420. That’s $5,580 away from the success of Operation Pay Rachel. ($80,000 – $74,420) / 50 = about 112 more batches of cookies. Maybe unrealistic, but there’s still $6,000 worth of t-shirts left, so.

    Does the sale end tonight at midnight PST, or tomorrow when the post has been up for 24 hours?

  5. Thumb up 1

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    So on a sidenote, are you guys going to add the boyshorts as a perk, or will we have to buy through the regular store at a later date?

    Also. Cookies!

    • Thumb up 2

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      The IndieGoGo fundraiser is in USD, but they’re at near-parity so it’d be roughly the same, give or take $5.

      As for shipping to the Philippines: check their mailing restrictions. I’d be more worried about quality – they may rot or break in transit.

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