feature image via we are all made of kittens
Hello and welcome to Autostraddle’s Get Baked Sale! In which we will sell as many cookies as you can order in one day. We’re super excited you’re here!
Quick refresher: In less than a day, Autostraddle readers raised over $40,000, enabling us to rebuild our site and give you everything you deserve in a community. Now we’re hoping to give you — and our staff — even more. Because of your dedication and generosity, we were able to hire Alex Vega as our full-time Design Director! We’ve also designed new You Do You boybriefs, Autostraddle This boxer briefs, and of course, Alex dance-covered Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend.” We’re SO PROUD and SO EXCITED for the future! The Ultimate Dream Goal is $100,000, which would enable us to pay all of our writers and editors, as well as guarantee a tattoo of Tinkerbell on Alex’s behind.
Which brings us to today! Autostraddle’s Get Baked Sale goal is $3,500, and it’s part of this week’s overall goal to reach $80k by Friday, so we can give our Senior Editor Rachel what every birthday girl deserves: a fair salary. Let’s take a look at all the delicious yummy treats we have up our alternative lifestyle sleeves:
Get Bake Sale Bonus! TODAY ONLY! Bren is also baking her world famous homemade dog biscuits, just for your dogs! Also your cats could probably eat them. Maybe even your toddlers, if you had toddlers. But Bren’s homemade dog biscuits are available TODAY ONLY — not any day in the future nor any day in the past.
See where it says we’ll accomodate any allergy or aversion? We mean it! Do you have an aversion to lemon, but still want some citrus butter cookies? Person, I will leave out that lemon, just for you. And when you say gluten-free, we know you’re not kidding — we will not mess around with your insides. We’ve just loved you for so long, and we’re super serious about your guts and feelings!
Here’s maybe the most important thing: today is the final and absolute last day you can order these tasty treats! We’ve been updating the available number of cookie perks so that all the people could have some, but that stops today. If you wake up tomorrow and decide you’d like to have a box of Laura’s finest homemade Oreos delivered right to your door, it will be too late. I don’t want you to live with that albatross of regret, and neither does your therapist.
Frequently Asked / Wondered Questions
Will I be able to choose which cookies I receive? How??
Yes! After the campaign has ended, you’ll receive an email asking you which cookies you want and what your address is. In addition to the seven choices listed above, cookie perks ordered today will also have the option of choosing Bren’s dog biscuits.
I have a serious allergy! How will I let you know about it?
You’ll tell us when you choose your cookie. We’ll remind you in the email.
I ordered the cookie perk a week ago. Will I be able to get Bren’s dog biscuits instead of cookies?
No. If you want some dog biscuits that Bren has made with her heart and her hands, you’ll need to order another cookie perk today. Does that seem insane? We just want to be able to pay our writers and editors who work so hard to make Autostraddle so fantastic, you know?
When will I receive my cookies?
Orders will begin shipping out at the end of September. You’ll get an email when we ship your cookies, so you can camp out by your mailbox with a thermos full of milk.
Can I have the cookies shipped to someone else’s address?
What if I’m in Australia and I want snickerdoodles?
We will cross that bridge when we get to it.
How many cookies are we talkin’ here?
Who needs Autostraddle baked goods?
your best friend who just moved to a new city
your ex-girlfriend whose cat just died
the roommate who never talks but eats all the food
someone celebrating a birthday in late September – October
people in forests
people on sidewalks
people on boats
people who are asleep
people who didn’t pay their cable bill
people who inexplicably prefer grape jam over blackberry jam
et cetera et al ad nauseum
No one doesn’t need a cookie.
Real talk: Autostraddle is only here because of you — you know that, right? That there’d be no Autostraddle if you hadn’t been listening? And no conversations if you hadn’t spoke up? Thank you for your overwhelming support and love love love. You are absolutely the best people on the entire internet, end of story. We can’t wait to make you some foods!
Please note that I purposely didn’t use any foul or suggestive language in this post, so you can forward the link to your grandma! Your boss! Anyone on earth, really.