American Horror Story Episode 308 Recap: The Sacred Faking

Welcome to the eighth episode of American Horror Story, which made me laugh so hard I died and had to be resurrected by Misty Day multiple times, thus greatly lowering the stakes of my personal narrative.

This week’s vocab word is: blurge, a combination of “blerg” and “purge”. This episode is ALL about purging, y’all. It is also all about vagina jokes and hats aka my wheelhouse. This might be my favorite episode so far.

We open in the grim underbelly of New Orleans highway overpasses. Queenie is wandering around the underpass, where she passes rats, hobos, meth camps, and Adam from Girls.

Is that Lena Dunham?

Is that Lena Dunham?

A creepy hobo approaches her with a hammer and an exposed penis, ready to rape it up. Why is everyone so quick to rape on this show? It’s like, their go-to action. Which is bullshit, because we all know the go-to action of all New Orlineans is punching people in the neck for the good Mardi Gras beads. We have some class, gosh!

Would you like to donate some money to the Salvation Army?

Would you like to donate some money to the Salvation Army?

I'd like to donate this two-by-four to your face!

I’d like to donate this two-by-four to your face!

Luckily, Queenie finds the oldest weapon known to man, a wooden two-by-four with some nails sticking out. She stabs herself in the hand, causing the creepy hobo to bleed, and then whacks him with the stick.

While Queenie beats the shit out of this guy, Madison and Zoe show up like they’re the wonder twins or something. If you are wondering whether they’ll be addressing the zombie threesome they had in the last episode and any lingering ramifications it might have, don’t worry, they won’t!

Look, we're sorry we didn't invite you to threeway, but you were at Rally's with the racist maid

Look, we’re sorry we didn’t invite you to threeway, but you were at Rally’s with the racist maid

I would like to point out that Madison is wearing a sequined beret in this scene. These girls love their hats.

We're here to stop you—ohh, just realized the butt plug is still in

We’re here to stop you—ohh, just realized the butt plug is still in

They ask Queenie why she’s murdering the hobo, and Queenie says it’s a voodoo thing and they wouldn’t understand. They try to get her back to the coven, but she tells them to fuck off, she’s sitting at Marie Laveau’s table in the cafeteria now.

Just realized she left the butt plug inside Madison

Just realized she left the butt plug inside Madison

Madison is all, boo fucking hoo, I was gang-raped, got my throat slit by Fiona, and had to attend dead tea parties with Spalding and you don’t see me complaining. Girl has a point.

Zoe rightfully says that the coven is a shit show, but they’ve got big plans. A new Supreme is rising, their powers are aligning, and they might be getting a pool in the backyard.

There will be relay swims and Marco Polo and you won't be invited!!

There will be relay swims and Marco Polo and you won’t be invited!!

Queenie then guts the hobo like a catfish and pulls out his still beating heart. Apparently Marie needs a dark heart (racist?) for a voodoo ritual to charge up Queenie’s powers.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day I ripped it out of a hobo

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day I ripped it out of a hobo

Madison and Zoe look all horrified and above harvesting hobo hearts, which is ridiculous because they regularly stitch rapists into duvet covers and sell them on Etsy. White girls, am I right?

We then hop on our broomsticks and wiggle our noses and fly over to Miss Robichaux’s Hospital for the Magically Infirm, where Fiona is puking from her chemo treatments. This is terrible and all, but she’s eating a soft-boiled egg. Hmm. Maybe stick to crackers is all I’m saying.

Who brought her breakfast in bed? All the servants are dead or in cages

Who brought her breakfast in bed? All the servants are dead or in cages

Fiona is having a really rough time with the treatments, but she’s more upset about the way she looks than the actual dying. She says she’s looking less like Samantha and more like Endora, which, LOL Bewitched jokes!

Just watched the last season of Glee

Just watched the last season of Glee

She tells Cordelia she’s dying, and Cordelia hopes she’ll die before Thanksgiving because her stuffing tastes like ass. This isn’t a joke, she actually says this. Blind Cordelia has so much moxie.

Luckily, she still has Axeman, and creepy obsessive love is the best medicine. Also, Fiona is still smoking like a chimney, which is not the best idea. Axeman wants them to run away to Europe and enjoy her last month paddling boats on the Seine, stealing the crown jewels from London, and smoking all the hash in Marrakesh.

Do we always have to bang to the Miles Davis Pandora station?

Do we always have to bang to the Miles Davis Pandora station?

Fiona declines, as she would rather stay in New Orleans and stick it to all the haters. And she also wants to find the new Supreme and kill her. Business as usual.

Also, oysters are coming into season, soooo....

Also, oysters are coming into season, soooo….

Hey, remember Shirtless Luke and his creepy mother Patti LuPone? Well, they’re on payroll this week, so we get to see Patti cleaning his wounds from that Halloween zombie attack that happened two days/five weeks/four score and seven years ago. I am so lost on the timeline of this show.

Tell me the truth! Did that girl take your precious flower?

Tell me the truth! Did that girl take your precious flower?

Patti tells Luke he’s been tainted, not just with zombie juice, but with the Devil. And that guy is harder to remove than red wine stains. Before Jesus will let Shirtless on the rapture bus, he has to be cleaned of his impurities.

Sidebar, throughout this scene Luke has been calling Patti “mother.” Is there anything more off-putting than a grown man calling his mom mother to her face? Creepy. Almost as creepy as creepy as grown women calling their fathers “daddy.” Blurge!

Patti then forces her son to have an enema. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW?!

Jesus wept...at the sorry state of your bowels

Jesus wept… at the sorry state of your bowels

I feel like this season’s theme, aside from witches, is horribly abusive and invasive mothers. These moms make Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady.

But if God created us in His image, then doesn't that apply to my poops?

But if God created us in His image, then doesn’t that apply to my poops?

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Rehab Center for Hat Addiction, Cordelia has summoned Madison, Zoe and Nan for a meeting. She’s sorry they’ve lost Queenie, but she’s dead to them now. Blind Cordelia is cold blooded!

Queenie is dead to us...until Misty Day resurrects her, like everyone else

Queenie is dead to us…until Misty Day resurrects her, like everyone else

Cordelia has gathered them to plan Fiona’s murder, which needs to go flawlessly. Because if not… she’ll just die naturally from cancer? What’s the rush? The doorbell rings, and Cordelia wonders where all the staff is. Zoe, in no rush to tell Cordelia she murdered Spalding, goes to answer the door. Who’s at the door?!?

It’s Misty Day! She is barefoot and scared, because some douche came to her swamp shack and tried to shoot her up.

I can't believe you had a zombie threeway without me! I thought we were friends!

I can’t believe you had a zombie threeway without me! I thought we were friends!

Luckily, resurrected Myrtle got stepped on by the killer and was able to warn her just in time and they hid in the swamp.

Dreaming of Zoe...

Dreaming of Zoe…

Is there room for one more?

Is there room for one more?

Grab that piece of charcoal you call a vagina and get in here!

Grab that piece of charcoal you call a vagina and get in here!

Cordelia touches Misty and sees a really cool morph of her burn and resurrection.

Swamp mud, by L'Oreal!

Swamp mud, by L’Oreal!

It’s kind of like this:

Look, it’s baby Tyra!

Cordelia recognizes Misty and offers her asylum in the coven.

Even blind, I can tell you're smoking hot. Wanna bunk with me?

Even blind, I can tell you’re smoking hot. Wanna bunk with me?

Misty asks if her friend can stay too, and Cordelia is delighted to find Myrtle alive in the green house. Myrtle is happy to see her, but the first thing out of her mouth is a blind dig. She calls Cordelia blind as a butter knife… really, Myrtle? First off, that’s not even a phrase. Second, why is everyone on this show making blind jokes at Cordelia’s expense? That’s recapper turf!

Nan photobomb!

Nan photobomb!

Nan asks Myrtle how her hair grew back so quickly, and Myrtle tells her she’s been buying in bulk from North Korea for years. Wait, what? Let’s map this shit out:

Imagined conversation between Misty and Myrtle on the way to Miss Robichaux’s:

MISTY: OMG Myrtle, someone just tried to shotgun our asses!
MYRTLE: Indeed my dear, it seems that witches are an endangered species. We must seek shelter somewhere safe.
MISTY: I know! We’ll go to that crazy witch school, it’s safer than my shot-up shack, only 50 people have died there!
MYRTLE: Ah yes, I know it well. But first we must stop at my hotel room, so that I can pick up my bulk bag of fried hair shipped directly from North Korea.
MISTY: Wait, you’ve been importing hair from Kim Jong-Un? Isn’t that illegal?
MYRTLE: Not for us witches, we do not abide by these mortal trade laws.
MISTY: Look, I know all about trade embargoes. I watched Star Wars Episodes 1-3. But that sounds really expensive, especially for long frizzy pubic hair.
MYRTLE: But my child, it is how I derive my witchly powers.

END SCENE.

Cordelia tells Myrtle the coven has fallen on hard times, as if she wasn’t just burnt at the stake by said coven, Myrtle responds that maybe it’s the best of times. Whatever you say, Crepe Paper Charles Dickens! Myrtle announces that Misty is obviously the new Supreme, but not everyone looks so sure.

Of course she's the new Supreme, look at that angelic glow!

Of course she’s the new Supreme, look at that angelic glow!

Hair and make-up by a choir of angels

Hair and make-up by a choir of angels

Meanwhile, Zoe gives FrankenKyle a Reader Rabbit in the hopes that he’ll learn to communicate.

I told you, only when Madison is here!

I told you, only when Madison is here!

Madison comes in, kisses FrankenKyle, and suggests they give him porn instead. Zoe wants to better FrankenKyle however, and reintegrate him into society, where he will definitely not be reviled and chased with pitchforks into the Mississippi river. They agree he needs something to do while they’re killing Fiona, so they plug in his Lady Gaga headphones and leave him with the laptop. Hope that thing has parental controls.

FrankenKyle is a Little Monster too!

FrankenKyle is a Little Monster too!

Back in the parlor, Myrtle is outfitting everyone with musty old red robes and black lacey hats, because matching outfits are the best part of any ritual. She says that moth balls and history are a cocktail she swoons for, because apparently Myrtle has been reincarnated as a Tenessee Williams character.

Had 37 gentlemen callers that summer on Blue Mountain

Had 37 gentlemen callers that summer on Blue Mountain

The coven is about to perform a ritual (witchual?) called the Sacred Taking, wherein they convince the aging Supreme to kill herself to make way for the rising Supreme. It’s only been done three times before, all of which were done in black and white apparently.

Do these sacrificial robes make my ass look fat?

Do these sacrificial robes make my ass look fat?

Your ass looks pretty good to me!

Your ass looks pretty good to me!

Zoe is bummed that she’s not the next Supreme, which Madison notices. Nan is annoyed that no one ever considered her for the next Supreme, while Myrtle is like, obvs it’s Misty, she’s resurrected more people than Jesus. She actually says this.

Madison! No flirting outside the triad!

Madison! No flirting outside the triad!

Myrtle tells them that being a Supreme isn’t all sexy times and parlor tricks. It’s a burden, and Supremes had unhappy lives, carrying the weight of the coven on their shoulders. Misty is like PASS, but they remind her that it’s not a choice. She was born this way… as a Supreme. Maybe.

Who will be the first to get in the center and start dancing?

Who will be the first to get in the center and start dancing?

Myrtle tells the story of the first Sacred Taking, which happened during the Salem Witch Trials. The coven decided to flee to the South, a part of America known for tolerance and acceptance. Because the Supreme at the time was too old to travel, she killed herself.

Witches get it done with one!

Witches get it done with one!

And then I spit out my water because Myrtle says the following:

“Can you imagine those witches traveling down here in covered wagons without charcuterie platters or a bidet! Absolutely savage!”

BRB LOLING FOREVER! Apparently the witches’ journey to New Orleans was just like the Oregon Trail, only with less fiber and more smelly vaginas! This fucking show, you guys. This. Fucking. Show.

We invoke thee, Goddess of the Summer's Eve! Douche our souls like you do our vaginas!

We invoke thee, Goddess of the Summer’s Eve! Douche our souls like you do our vaginas!

Basically, the big plan is to convince Fiona to kill herself via magic suicide peer pressure. Fiona, who is puking in the toilet, comes out of her bathroom to find Madison dancing around in a red dress.

Surprise bitch! I stole your caftan!

Surprise bitch! I stole your caftan!

But you'll never get my Virginia Slims!

But you’ll never get my Virginia Slims!

Madison pretends she resurrected herself and she’s the new Supreme, and she makes plans to move into Fiona’s room/wear her clothes/fuck in her bed. She tells Fiona that tomorrow she’ll be burnt at the stake… unless she OD’s on all her sleeping pills. It’s up to Fiona to choose her fate.

Have fun dying, kthnxbai!

Have fun dying, kthnxbai!

Fiona is reeling from the news when Myrtle shows up. Fiona tries to pack a bag to go off and die on an island with Axeman (which maybe just let her do so she’ll be out of your way?) but Myrtle tells her that he’ll leave her in the end. Sure, he’s stuck around since birth and is obsessed with her, I’m sure he’ll peace out any minute now.

Poor Fiona...that suitcase will never be carry-on

Poor Fiona…that suitcase will never be carry-on

Fiona calls Myrtle an envious old bitch who obviously never had an axeman of her own. But despite this, we see a flash forward/dream where Fiona is bald and dying and the Axeman ditches her.

I'm just not that into you dying of cancer

I’m just not that into you dying of cancer

Meanwhile, all the witches are waiting on the staircase to see how Madison did. Nan is still pissed no one sees her Supreme potential, and storms out of the school. She walks out, past Hank sitting in a car with a gun, and goes to Luke’s house. She opens his front door with her mind (she can do that?) and finds Luke tied up in the closet. BTW, while passing Hank, she can’t hear his murder thoughts? Continuity fail?

Meanwhile, Fiona needs Myrtle to hold the mirror while she prepares to leave behind a fierce corpse. She’s got her hair wrapped, she’s putting on make-up, and reminiscing about Woodstock. She talks about a wild six months, which is weird because Woodstock took place over a weekend, right? (I asked my mom because she went to Woodstock, but all she could remember was the mud and the drugs. Baby boomer parents, am I right?)

Fiona could feel regret over living life to the fullest, but she’s simply out of fucks to give. She puts on her finest fur and heels and gets ready to die like a star.

Hello Gorgeous...Babushka!

Hello Gorgeous…Babushka!

Fiona asks Myrtle to hang her Supreme portrait in the parlor, not in the basement alongside that disgraced Russian Supreme, whose flashback I CANNOT WAIT to see. In a classy final move, Myrtle steals Fiona’s jewelry and leaves her to die.

And that’s how Fiona Goode died. JK, no one dies on this show ever, it’s just like True Blood. The ghost of Spalding appears bearing a bottle of ipecac and tells her to snap the fuck out of it.

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down...then right back up again

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down… then right back up again

Turns out that Ghost Spalding can talk with his ghost tongue, and he uses it to tell Fiona about the witches’ charade to kill her. Fiona says she’s trying to do something decent for the coven, but he calls her out on that martyr act right quick.

What What What are you doing, Fiona? Look at your death, look at your choices!

What what what are you doing, Fiona? Look at your death, look at your choices!

While puking up the sleeping pills, Fiona promises to avenge Ghost Spalding’s murder, but first she has to avenge her own almost murder.

Meanwhile down in the Treme, Delphine is still locked in her cage. Queenie brings her a burger, which is nice, what after the betrayal and all.

Sad face!

Sad face!

Angry face!

Angry face!

Burger face!

Burger face!

Delphine wonders what she did to make Queenie betray her (other than all the racist murder/torture/shit sandwich buffet hijinks) and asks Queenie if it was the pot pie. Queenie obviously feels bad about imprisoning her bestie, but before she can do anything, Marie Laveau shows up and tells her to stop feeding the animals.

You know what happens when you feed Delphine after midnight! We do not need racist gremlins in here!

You know what happens when you feed Delphine after midnight! We do not need racist gremlins in here!

Marie taunts Delphine, who unwisely calls her a negress. WRONG MOVE Delphine! Delphine tells her she isn’t afraid, and she can’t die so what’s the worst they can do? She also says they may as well stick her back in a coffin, as she’s not interested in living in a world with a black president. Marie takes out a giant knife, and shows Delphine that she can make her life pretty shitty by cutting off her hand.

I don't need no Obamacare messing with my civil liberties...

I don’t need no Obamacare messing with my civil liberties…

OH SHIT DOES MY HMO REPLACE HANDS?!?

OH SHIT DOES MY HMO REPLACE HANDS?!?

Goodbye Delphine’s hand! Maybe Madison and Zoe can re-attach that thing or replace it with a rapist hand.

Meanwhile at Jesus’s Enema Emporium, Luke and Nan try to escape with their buttholes still intact. Nan even gets a kiss in, but Patti stops them. She’s called the cops, and she’s gonna shut their love story down right quick. Before she can whip up another batch of butt cleanse, a sniper shoots and kills her. Luke dives in front of a bullet to save Nan and gets shot as well.

There's no way all that holy water will fit up my butt!!!

There’s no way all that holy water will fit up my butt!!!

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Repertory Suicide Theatre, Myrtle plays the piano while they all wait for Fiona to die and Misty to level up her Supreme powers.

I really wish Cordelia was playing piano bc then I could make a Ray Charles joke

I really wish Cordelia was playing piano because then I could make a Ray Charles joke

Cordelia tells Misty that her feet should feel warm, while Myrtle assures her it starts with a tingle in the cooch. Oh undead Myrtle, never leave us!

I was told there would be cooch tingling...

I was told there would be cooch tingling…

But all Misty feels is diarrhea and anxiety at the thought of becoming the new Supreme. She’s not cut out for leadership, just for twirling to Fleetwood Mac and planting dead people.

Fiona shows up, looking fierce as fuck with a cigarette in hand, and tells them it started with a migraine. The bitch is back!

Oh mother, please don't tell the Moroccan orgy story again!

Oh mother, please don’t tell the Moroccan orgy story again!

Fiona wants to meet the swamp witch, but Misty has buggered off across the street to the shooting. EMT workers are taking Luke away, and Nan is going with him in the ambulance. Fiona walks in and meets Misty. She tells Misty to revive Patti, which yay Patti is alive, but also why? It’s not like she’s a friend to the coven.

Zoe leads Cordelia across the street to the house, but on the way Cordelia picks up the bullet and sees the bullet’s life story, because apparently that magic sight thing works on objects now. That must get really annoying every time she flushes the toilet.

Misty revives Patti and passes out, while Cordelia realizes that the shooter was after the witches.

Meanwhile, FrankenKyle has learned all the shapes and colors and can kinda speak now! He hugs Zoe and tells her that their room goes two ways? Now is not the time for bisexual politics, FrankenKyle! JK, it’s always time for bi politics.

You've been stuck on Lemonade Lake this whole time?

You’ve been stuck on Lemonade Lake this whole time?

He tells Zoe he loves her, and poor Madison hears this from outside the room and gets sad because they were supposed to share him and shit.

I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him!

I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him!

The next morning, Cordelia is enjoying a cup of coffee when Fiona joins her. Cordelia assumes she’ll be pissed, what with the whole attempted murder and all, but Fiona is impressed. She’s proud of Cordelia for showing she has moxie/true grit/homicidal tendencies, and she finally has hope for the future of the coven.

Did your tongue go blind too? Because this coffee tastes like poopy shit!

Did your tongue go blind too? Because this coffee tastes like poopy shit!

Cordelia replies that if she knew the only way to get her mother’s approval was to try to kill her, she’d have attempted it years ago! And then they laugh together likes it’s the end of a sitcom or something!

LOL failed matricide!

LOL failed matricide!

Now that Fiona is apparently not dying, Cordelia needs her to lead the coven against the witch hunters who are after them. Before they can make any plans, the doorbell rings. Apparently Ghost Spalding is busy with a ghost tea party, so Fiona answers and finds a cardboard box.

What's in the box?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX!?!!?!?

What’s in the box?! WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?!!?!?

Guess what’s inside? Is it a minotaur? Is it an enema? Is it sex toys for Madison and Zoe? Is it the complete collected works of Fleetwood Mac? Is it more fucking hats and head scarves?

NOPE. It’s Delphine’s head. In a box. Croaking for help.

Toss me a junior mint!

Toss me a junior mint!

NEXT WEEK: Cordelia gets new eyeballs! Madison gets a fuzzy hat! FrankenKyle gets a Speak n’ Spell!

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Chelsea

Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 46 articles for us.

10 Comments

  1. Every time I read these recaps I struggle to come to terms with the fact that this is actually a show. Someone sat down and thought this up. Then put it on TV. Where people can see it. Like, in real life. What.

  2. Sometimes I find it hard to believe these recaps, I really do. Was the comet-enema (or whatever was used) supposed to be a reference to lysol-douches? I feel like this show is metaing itself at this point. And my money has been on Nan as the Supreme for a while, will be great if it turn out to be, maybe that coven can get some grounding for a change.

  3. I kinda hope this show ends with everyone dying of the common cold, like the final scene of War of the Worlds. Or like the video for Total Eclipse of the Heart. It’s a tie.

  4. i just started watching this show like a week ago and am all caught up and did not even know we were recapping this show cos i kind of have tunnelvision and don’t read recaps of shows i don’t watch, but OMG these recaps are making my life right now. angela bassett forever.

  5. your commentary on those photos was absolutely killing it, AND you referenced my most quoted line from the L word ever on one of them. best recap ever.

  6. poopy shit! POOPY SHIT!!! i have not heard those beautiful words in so long that it breaks my heart.

    oh memories.

Comments are closed.