Welcome to the season finale (sob!) of American Horror Story, the show that said fuck you to the traditional cold open and kicked things off with a full tilt Stevie Nicks music video fever dream. It was glorious and it was real and we were all innocent children looking into the face of the immortal goddess.
This week’s vocab word is: BALENCIAGA! This will become clear later in the recap.
As previously mentioned, we open with Stevie Fucking Nicks singing a song called “Seven Wonders,” which blows my fucking mind.
The hills are alive, with the sound of nonsense!
Was this entire season scripted around Fleetwood Mac lyrics? Is this a thing we can do now? If so, stay tuned for the premiere of my unauthorized AHS spinoff The Sign, where I take all the plot points and dialogue from Swedish supergroup Ace of Base!
Don’t turn around Nan, all Marie Laveau wants is another baby! As for Fiona, she’s gone tomorrow. But I’m sure Misty would agree that it’s a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh. As for Madison, she leads a lonely life. As for Zoe and FrankenKyle, shock! They got a new life! You’d hardly recognize them I’m so glad. And Queenie? She’s gonna be strong, she’s gonna be fine, don’t worry about that heart of hers.
So anyways, back at Miss Robichaux’s Music Video Backdrop for Famed Songstresses, all the witches are studying for the Seven Wonders while Stevie Fucking Nicks sings and dances in a top hat. Misty works on her spins, Zoe levitates her bed, Madison takes a bubble bath and lights the fireplace with her mind.
Madison jills off to ease her pre-Wonders jitters
Queenie lights a candle for Nan and works on her spells. Stevie Fucking Nicks finishes her song and wishes the four girls good luck on the Seven Wonders.
There are only three of you still in the running to die horribly in this house
I am FLABBERGASTED at the lack of hats in this scene
Also, there’s a cat running around the house. Where did she come from?
Great, another animal for FrankenKyle to go full Lenny on
That night, Myrtle sets out a feast of caviar and blinis and talks about how Leonardo DaVinci was possibly a warlock. They discuss how it’s a last supper, as everyone will be participating in the Seven Wonders and they may not survive.
I guess there are three mermaids swimming around topless right now
Usually the current Supreme identifies the rising Supreme, but since Fiona peaced the fuck out and tried to murder them all, they are allowing all four girls to prove themselves.
And now I’d like to poor one out for our fallen home girl, Nan
Cordelia then quotes Corinthians 13:11, the whole “when I was a child I spoke like a child” thing. Basically, the little twitches are all grown up and must put aside childish fears to kick some ass in the morning.
I once spent a passionate solstice with a man named Corinthians. He draped me in moose furs and vintage Yves St. Laurent and we made love in a hammock.
Morning soon comes, and the Seven Wonders begin. BTW, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that not ONE of these witches has made a Diana Ross Supremes joke. Not once. And they say “Supreme” every five seconds. OPPORTUNITY MISSED.
So the witches start with telekenesis. They each have a lit candle before them, and they must slide the candle across the table and into their hands using only their minds.
Israeli Horror Story: Spooky Shabbat!
FrankenKyle is there to look concerned and buttle, I guess. Misty doubts her abilities, but Cordelia tells her to focus her intentions. Zoom! The candles in her hand! Cordelia reminds them that it’s not about desire: you either are the Supreme or you aren’t, and no amount of wanting will change that.
I never wanted to stab my eyes out BUT WE CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT, MISTY!
The rest of the witches are able to move their candlesticks so it’s on to the next wonder!
‘Twas I, Myrtle Snow, who coined the now classic turn of phrase “puff, puff, pass!”
The witches demonstrate Concilium aka mind control. They face off in pairs; first up is Misty vs. Queenie. Queenie says that no one controls her mind but her… until Misty makes her slap herself in the face.
Don’t even say it…
Stop hitting yourself, Queenie! Stop hitting yourself!
Misty is having fun until Queenie forces her to pull her own hair. They both pass the test.
Stop it! This weave was expensive!
Next up is Madison vs. Zoe. Madison forces FrankenKyle to drop a tray of drinks, make out with her, and lick her boot. Kinky. She also makes Zoe slap herself. Kitty got claws!
Just forced to poop himself
You resurrected me for this? Next time, just use Fetlife!
Zoe breaks Madison’s hold and beckons FrankenKyle over to her and they make out. Madison then forces FrankenKyle to strangle Zoe, and Zoe tosses him across the room yet. Madison wants to know if they’re having fun yet.
Ladies, please practice some mind control over your vaginas!
Only when Myrtle stops fellating that cigarette holder!
Wha?
Their next test is Descensum, aka field trip to Hell! It’s easy to go to Hell, but apparently it’s very hard to leave. So Hell is a Marshall’s Home Goods? They have until sunrise to return to their bodies, or they die.
Recreating scenes from Go Fish: the work of the Devil!
Myrtle turns a comically large hourglass and everyone begins to chant.
Since this might be our last chance, how about a little over the sweater action?
The witches get transported to their personal hells. For Queenie, this means the Ravenswood fried chicken joint. She’s like, been there, done that, and zaps herself back into her body. Queenie wins!
If I have to do anymore scenes involving fried chicken I’m calling the NAACP or Oprah
Madison wakes up from playing Liesel in NBC’s Sound of Music Live! Zing, you just got Murphied, NBC!
Woke up mid-orgasm
Sorry, Nazi musicals really give me a boner
Zoe wakes soon after, having been stuck in a loop of FrankenKyle breaking up with her. YAWN.
blow job face
I dreamt I was dating a man made of rapist parts…ohhh
Misty still hasn’t woken up. We see her nightmare is a middle school science class where she is repeatedly forced to dissect a frog and revive it. Misty is trapped and scared.
Misty, stop twirling and gut this frog!
Does this mean I have to go through puberty again! FUCK!
Cordelia tries desperately to help Misty and cradles her in her arms, but it’s of no use.
But you promised you’d see me through this experimental phase!
The hourglass runs out and Misty turns to dust like a vampire on BtVS. Cordelia is heartbroken, and I am genuinely bummed too. I was pulling for Misty for Supreme! And I was really pulling for her and Cordelia to hook up, so boo.
I’ll never get you out of my heart…or this carpet!
That’s one witch down, three to go.
After the witches take a brief break and someone Dysons up Misty, Cordelia suggests they take a moment of silence. Madison doesn’t give a shit, and Queenie calls her a stone cold bitch.
Bored now.
Shut up, Liesel!
Zoe agrees with Madison; there’s nothing they can do about Misty, so they must soldier on. The next task is Transmutation, aka apparating. Zoe BAMFS behind Madison and leads the girls in a game of BAMF tag, where they zip all over the room tagging each other.
I’m here…
I’m queer…
And now I’m over here!
Cordelia and Myrtle tell them to knock it off and return to the test, but like Cyndi Lauper says, girls just wanna have fun! UGH, how good would Lauper be on this show?
It’s all fun and games until Zoe accidently impales herself on the fence. WHOMP WHOMP.
Guys, can I get a mulligan on this one?
The witches bring Zoe into the potions room and Cordelia tells Queenie to try her hand at Vitalum Vitalis. Queenie tries desperately to breathe life back into Zoe, but it’s not happening. This means that Queenie isn’t the Supreme and that Zoe is dead. TRIPLE WHOMP.
Excited to kiss someone who is not a minotaur
Madison smirks like the cat that got the canary… she’s the last witch standing, which makes her the de facto Supreme. Cordelia tells her that she has to revive Zoe, if only to pass the Vitalis test. Madison refuses, despite being brought back from the dead by Misty and Zoe. Myrtle tells her if she refuses to revive Zoe then she doesn’t deserve to be the Supreme.
I would LOVE to help, but I don’t give a fuck
To prove her powers, Madison kills a fly and breathes it back to life. So basically, fuck you wonders and fuck you Zoe! Cordelia is pissed at the idea of serving under another cunty Supreme. Madison says they can either crown her or kiss her ass.
Why are you being such a mega bitch?
Because I can be!
Cordelia retreats to the portrait room, feeling like a failure. Madison is going to be a shitty Supreme and there’s nothing she can do about it.
OR IS THERE?
Myrtle tells Cordelia that she has royal blood, and some other stuff about prophets and promises and finally freeing herself from neuroses and Fiona’s expectations. Why doesn’t Cordelia embrace her own power and perform the Seven Wonders herself?
Perform the Stevie Wonders myself?
LOL, but seriously please save us all from Fiona Jr.
OH SHIT GUYS I DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING!
Cordelia takes on Madison for ultimate Supreme-acy! Madison is pissed because she thought she had the title in the bag, but Queenie is all Team Cordelia. Cordelia demonstrates pyrokenesis by lighting the fireplace, and runs through the previous wonders.
What is so fucking funny?
Sorry, I was…Stevie…nevermind, it’s a blind thing
Cordelia even uses her mind control to make Queenie do the Freddie dance from Troop Beverly Hills. Just give this woman a crown already, she is clearly a gift from the heavens!
Do the Freddie!
Cordelia even returns from hell, where she had to endure getting bitch slapped by Fiona. So you know, typical Tuesday. Now she and Madison have completed five wonders each.
I conjure forth candles, a Sade playlist, and an image of Cherry Jones
Did she just masturbate with no hands?! Give this lady a crown!
Madison and Cordelia move onto the 6th wonder, which is divination. Myrtle has hidden items from former Supremes all over the house, and the witches have to divine the locations of the items using only a handful of pebbles.
The item is in the Zen rock garden…too obvious?
Cordelia locates and finds an antique broach easily. Madison tries to read the pebbles but she can’t do it. She throws a hissy fit and refuses. Myrtle fails her. Madison accuses her of rigging the test and calls the school a fucked up version of celebrity rehab. She’s going back to Hollywood where people are normal and she’s calling TMZ on all their magical asses!
Why does Cordelia get to stomp around on everyone with her big stupid feet? I’m just as cute as Cordy, I’m just as smart as Cordy, we should all just stab Cordy!!
Too late bitch, I already stabbed myself. Twice. Talkin’ bout my eyeballs
Madison storms upstairs, where she plans to call her lawyer, her drug dealer, and Billy Bush. FrankenKyle follows her up there and attacks her for letting Zoe die. He’s like, we both fucking died and were revived, just breathe on Zoe for three seconds, asshole!
You sexed with both of us, does that mean nothing?!
Madison tells FrankenKyle that she loves him and did it so they could be together, but FrankenKyle is having none of it and strangles Madison to death. RIP Madison, you were a hilarious bitch and also evil.
She died as she lived… in black plasticky leather
Back in the potions room, Cordelia tries to Vitalis Zoe to see if she really is the Supreme. Myrtle and Queenie watch in anticipation.
Now kiss
Back in the bedroom, FrankenKyle sits with Madison’s dead body when someone starts to stroke her dead face with a creepy doll hand. Who could it be?
What the fuck?
GHOST SPALDING! He says she’ll be easy to hide since she’s already started packing. FrankenKyle is like, who are you? Ghost Spalding tells him he’s the help.
Don’t worry, I’ve buried literally millions of bodies
Cordelia succeeds and Zoe comes back to life! I don’t really care about Zoe, but this means that Cordelia has performed the Seven Wonders and she is the new Supreme! Cordelia passes out from the effort.
Zombie blow job face
Cordelia gets back up, with brand new eyeballs and gorgeous hair and skin! The hallmark of any Supreme is glowing health, which I guess includes functioning eyeballs!
Easy, Breezy
Beautiful
Covergirl!
All hail Cordelia, the new Supreme!
We then jump to one month later, where Cordelia has outed the coven to the world and is giving an interview to a reporter. She looks super hot and talks about how women are born as witches, it’s not a choice, we’re coming out of the broom closet!
It’s like Lady Gaga famously said…
Let’s have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Cordelia wants women to be proud of their power and invites them all to Miss Robichaux’s as a safe haven and a place to be themselves.
Queenie, FrankenKyle, Myrtle and Zoe watch with pride, and Myrtle tears up.
This is mind blowing and all BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH LIZA?!
Cordelia goes through tons of witch applications on her desk when Myrtle joins her. Cordelia is excited about the future of the coven and wants Queenie and Zoe to be on her council, along with Myrtle of course. But Myrtle has to turn her down.
I’m so glad you’re here. If I have to read one more essay about Practical Magic I’m going to re-stab these perfect eyes out.
Myrtle tells her that to make way for her bright new future, she can’t have any scandal or favoritism tarnish her reputation. She tells Cordelia that she must be punished for melon balling out the other council members eyeballs, and Cordelia must do the right thing and burn her at the stake…again.
But that was like a million episodes ago!
My dear, you must spark me up like the proverbial doobie
Cordelia doesn’t want to murder her spiritual mother, but Myrtle insists she not be a hypocrite. UGH Myrtle, don’t die, you are the greatest character ever!
Cordelia and witches (and the albino black guys!) march to the old burning stick. Myrtle wears a gorgeous flowing red dress, which shouldn’t work with her red hair but it does bc she is perfection.
Immolation by Alexander McQueen
Wait, now that the coven has gone public, isn’t this like, murder? Cordelia sentences Myrtle to death and asks if she has any last words. She tells Cordelia she loves her and she’s never been prouder.
Only the most stylish of hats for Myrtle’s burning
Sunglasses to a burning…will not really help you
And as for her last word? She tilts her head back and screams BALENCIAGA to the heavens. Why the fuck not? RIP Myrtle, we will miss your filthy non sequiters, your fashionable ruminations, and your bitchin’ theremin skills.
See you bitches in Pyramus, New Jersey!
The next day, at Miss Robichaux’s Wait Are We Actually a Fucking School Now Academy, there is a line of students around the block. Queenie wonders how they’ll fit them all, but Cordelia has already planned to buy more property.
Is this the line for the new Hot Topic store?
Queenie and Zoe are on board to help Cordelia…but Cordelia has one last thing she needs to do.
First, I’m going to admire my cheekbones in the mirror. Then, it’s classtime!
Cordelia goes downstairs to see a wizened, balding Fiona in the parlor room. LIKE THEY WERE GONNA HAVE A FINALE WITHOUT JESSICA LANGE!
I’m back, and I know everything, bitches!
Turns out that Fiona was never axe murdered. We flash back to her fight with Axeman and she tells him her dastardly plan: Fiona will go to Paris for a couple of days, just long enough for them to name the next Supreme. Once they do, Fiona will murder them and regain her health!
And once I do, it’s Fuck City: Population Us
To convince the coven she’s dead, she sprinkles some goat’s blood on Axeman and magically implants a vision in his mind of axe murdering Fiona. She does this by spitting in his drink, but he’s like, PUT IT IN MY MOUTH. These two are gross.
I was hoping for some ass play, but this weird too
Fiona’s plans were ruined however, when it turns out that the Supreme is her daughter. She tells Cordelia that she could never really kill anybody (except she killed Madison and Myrtle and like, a million other people). Fiona tells her she’s got only a few hours of life left.
The doctor said I had witch cancer, and I was like, which cancer? You’ll laugh later
Fiona tells Cordelia that she took her power from the moment she gave birth to her, and that all mothers are faced with their own mortality when they look at their children. I feel like this is actually a beautiful dialogue about the damage and the love that mothers and daughters can inflict on each other. Not just mothers and daughters, but parents and children in general.
We always promise not to make the same mistakes our parents made, but we just end up fucking up our children in our own unique and special ways. Love given isn’t always love received, and vice versa. Cordelia was only able to embrace her Supreme power when she gave up trying to please Fiona.
It’s a nice message, but I kept worrying that Fiona was going to stab Cordelia in the back and run out looking gorgeous.
Looking back, skipping your dance recital to join the Vans Warped Tour seems like a misstep
Cordelia embraces Fiona and tells her that she knows she’s scared. She cries, not just for her mother, but for the version of herself that dies with Fiona.
I’M NOT CRYING Y’ALL, IT’S JUST RAINING ON MY FACE
Fiona asks Cordelia to put her her out of her misery, but Cordelia refuses. She tells Fiona that the only way out is to really feel her pain and fear and let it go through her. As they hug, Fiona goes limp in her arms. RIP Fiona Goode. You were sassy and evil and best of all, you were Jessica Fucking Lange.
But wait…what’s this? Fiona wakes up, with her hair and her looks, and finds herself in a strange bedroom.
I have GOT to stop drinking Jagermeister
Axeman walks in with a bunch of catfish ready to fry up for breakfast. It’s stinky and country and everything is shabby chic and knotty pine. Where the fuck is she?
I know you like art, so I hung some pans on the wall
Fiona is in her own personal hell: doomed to play house with Axeman in his country cabin for all eternity. It’s Axeman’s heaven, but not Fiona’s. She sees Papa Legba laughing at her in the corner. Well, shit.
Welcome to Hell, sponsored by Cracker Barrel!
Back at Miss Robichaux’s No Really, This is Happening Academy, Cordelia opens the gate and welcomes the students into the house.
Wind in the hair
Zoe and Queenie help her, and FrankenKyle takes his rightful place as FrankenSpalding. Cordelia tells the students that they are no longer content just to survive. Her purpose at the school is to make sure that the coven thrives. Cordelia smiles at the hopeful students and gets ready to usher the coven into the 21st century.
I was told there would be no classes, just threesomes
Now now. Threesomes are an extracurricular activity
Well, that’s it for American Horror Story: Coven! I’d like to thank Forever Intern Grace, without whom these recaps would be impossible. And thanks to everyone for reading and following along with this ridiculous show. I’ve never recapped anything before, and I had a fucking blast. There will be more to come.
What else is there to say, but…BALENCIAGA!!!
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The Lady Gaga lyrics. Best thing ever.
“I kept worrying that Fiona was going to stab Cordelia in the back and run out looking gorgeous”.
I’m so glad you mentioned that. I thought I was the only one screaming “DON’T HUG HER, WOMAN! SHE’S GOING TO STAB YOU! at the screen.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABY IN THE ATTIC!?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE FUCKING BABY, IS IT GHOST SPALDING’S NOW?!
0___0 That question is going to haunt me forever now.
this has been bugging me SO MUCHHHHHHH
I was a little disappointed by the finale (and the whole season in general) but I guess that Myrtle Snow makes up for everything. BALENCIAGAAA!!!
RIP misty day, you were so attractive, i am sorry about the frogs :(
But what happened to Fiona’s body in between the hug and the opening of doors to students? Did it turn to ash? Did ghost Spalding wrap it in a rug and carry it to his room? There are too many unanswered questions!
But… the Axeman murdered so many people why is he in heaven? Unless his hell is trying to be with Fiona while she endlessly degrades him? Because hell is other people? So Murphs was trying to make a great literary reference?? So props to him for that despite the overall not really success at crafting a season of female characters who weren’t exactly real personalities????
What I mean to say is I am sad because Coven was good and then was decent but could have been GREAT AND WAS NOT EXACTLY GREAT.
But I thought that Fiona sold her sole to the Axeman.
I mean, she made a deal with the Axeman; he would help her and in return she would spend the rest of her days fishing. Fast forward, Papa Luga-bubu came and she didn’t have a soul to take. And in the end she wasn’t in her hell, or his heaven she was just fulfilling her end of a bargain.
Anyway that’s how I understood it.
These AHS Coven recaps may have been my favourite ever!
Also, don’t worry about Liza’s hip, because…
(via)
First time i read “Great, another animal for FrankenKyle to go full Lenny on” i thought it was a typo and you were referencing Jenny and poor Sounder 1, then i was like no, mice of men. it concerns me somewhat that my first thought ran to the l word and not classic lit.
oh wellies. hilarious as always.
The recaps were just as enjoyable as watching this season for me.
BUT! Did we ever find out who put threw acid at Cordelia’s face? Did that go unanswered or was I miss that?
I think it was someone from the group of witch hunters. I vaguely remember Hank saying something to his father along the lines of “you blinded my wife?!”
Um, can we talk about how Misty’s hell would have obviously been a Fleetwood Mac reunion but with Christine McVie singing all the Stevie Nicks songs.
Opportunity missed
So I thought Coven was weirdly, fantastically campy, but how is Cordelia the Supreme? What about that perfect health thing? Didn’t she have problems becoming pregnant, or was that Hank’s doing? And didn’t Queenie bring back Misty, so she can obviously bring people back from the dead. And does dying just automatically exclude you from the running, because Zoe never actually finished the seven wonders.. AND THAT BABY in the attic! Good googly moogly, so many questions. Anyway these recaps were fantastic.
Best recaps I have ever read in my life. Standing ovation for Chelsea
Why on earth is a “feminist” web site promoting and endorsing horror violence as entertainment ? How is viewing disgusting graphic physical, mental + emotional violence remotely healthy or empowering for young impressionable vulnerable girls….
gay or straight ? I used to work in Hollywood and I can say with first hand assurance,
( not just a theory ) that the agenda is normalize evil creepy unethical + basically terrible behavior. Simply, u are being degraded on purpose by the media powers that be….
As both a mother and a gay woman I must say and warn that our community
is in a very sad state if we find this morally acceptable in a forum that is
supposed to be about self esteem, safety, gentleness, healing and pride.