Welcome to the penultimate episode of American Horror Story, the show that hits you in the face harder than a left hook from Misty Day. I really enjoy the last two episodes of every season of AHS, when the writers realize they have a million storylines to tie up and 90 minutes in which to do it. I like to imagine a writer waking up from a drug binge and hurling himself into the writer’s room screaming “holy fuck you guys, we forgot about those mutants in the forest! How are we gonna tie that shit up!? Did we kill Chloe Sevigny’s character or just cut off her legs?! Where’s that intern with my meth?! FUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!”

This week’s vocab word is: doomzo, a combination of “dunzo” and “doomed.” Three of our fave characters get totally doomzoed in this episode, but my fingers are crossed for their resurrection in the finale.

The episode kicks off with an old timey silent film depiction of the seven wonders, complete with title cards and some light piano music.

Unless that authority is a raging bitch, in which case everyone will die multiple times

We learn that the seven wonders consists of:

• Telekinesis (moving shit with your mind)
• Concilium (controlling shit with your mind)
• Transmutation (basically Nightcrawler’s BAMF teleportation)
• Divination (what Emma Thompson did in Harry Potter)
• Vitalum Vitalis (resurrecting the dead via nuzzling)
• Descensum (floating out of your body to other dimensions)
• Pyrokenesis (fire!)

Apparently, performing the seven wonders could get you killed, what with the fire and BAMFing and all. But let’s take a second to discuss this silent film: if witches are desperate to keep their identities a secret, then why would they make a fucking movie detailing all their traditions? Are there witch-only cinemas? Do they only show The Craft, Witches, Witches of Eastwick, and the Disney cartoons with witches in them?

I’mma let you finish, but Goody Prudewell had the best concilium of all time

Basically, the seven wonders are like the core curriculum at Hogwarts. Fiona is telling Queenie all this over coffee, which makes me wonder if all of Fiona’s stories occur as silent films in her mind.

Fiona fondly remembers her nun fetish

Queenie wants to know what the fuck happened to Marie, because she’s seen horror movies and knows that any person of color is the first to die… right after the slut character, of course. Fiona assumes Marie is off cavorting with Papa Legabooboo (bitch, you know his name). Fiona also calls him a half baked Beetlejuice, which is inaccurate because I’m pretty sure Papa Legba is fully baked at all times. HE HAS A COKE PINKY NAIL.

Fiona Goode: Fully baked 24/7/365

Queenie demands some respect for Marie and for herself, but Fiona quickly strangles her in a classic Jedi choke hold. Fiona demands respect, especially when she doesn’t deserve it!

Say I’m pretty! SAY IT!

Fiona tells her to eat her Wheaties, take her vitamins, and wash it all down with glass of Shut Your Fucking Mouth. The seven wonders are happening so you need to get your game face on.

Not a game face

Upstairs at Miss Robichaux’s School for the Re-Blinded, Cordelia stumbles her way into Madison’s room, hands outstretched, hoping to glean some visions from whatever she comes in contact with. She’s been rifling through Misty’s belongings and can’t get a read.

I’ve gone through all of Misty’s bras and panties, and I got nothing

Cordelia tries to read Madison, who dodges her touch by transmutating all around the room. Also, Cordelia is FUCKING BLIND. You could take two steps to the left and accomplish the same thing.

Marco…

Polo…

Madison (who, by the way, is dressed like Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) taunts Cordelia for trying to touch her, although Cordelia DID say “I need to touch you.”

No, I said touch you, not teach you. That ship has sailed

Then Madison asks the question we’ve all been asking ourselves since episode one:

Both really committing to Buffy roleplay

Cordelia wants to know what Madison is hiding, other than some of Papa Legba’s coke in her purse. When she finally touches her, Madison uses her powers to block Cordelia’s sight.

Ugh, Cordelia, that’s not how face palms work!

In the potions room, Queenie is snooping around for any trace of Marie, but all she finds is a puddle of blood and a disembodied voice of Marie talking about buttermilk biscuits. That is not a joke, that is literally what happened.

How many times do I have to tell these girls to clean up after their dismemberings?

Queenie flips through a voodoo spell book, lies down, and floats up out of her body.

This illustrated Kama Sutra book is terrifying

Double Queenies! What does it mean?!

Queenie is then transported to a desaturated version of the fried chicken joint where she used to work. She sees a line of people out the door and Papa Legba at the counter.

Welcome to Ravenswood Fried Chicken, can I help you?

Papa Legba tells Queenie that he lives in the worst memories of the people he visits. I hope he doesn’t visit me, in which case he’d be sitting with my family while we watch the adults-only Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas.

Welcome to Zumanity! Now enjoy some topless clowns!

Queenie returns to her body and has some hot chocolate with Papa Legba. They discuss the whereabouts of Marie, and we find out that Delphine dismembered her in the potions room and scattered her body parts across the city.

This OKCupid coffee date is going great!

Queenie asks Papa how to kill Delphine, and he tells her that she only dies when Marie dies. Queenie then argues that, since Marie can’t deliver him a baby every year (what with being human confetti and all) that technically she’s in breach of contract. Papa Legba is impressed with her smarts and her marshmallow hot chocolate.

Do I have any cocaine residue on my face?

We then hop on our broomsticks and fly over to the LaLaurie mansion, where a newly made over Delphine gives a tour of her former home. She ignores the whole “notorious murderer” part of the tour however, and the tourists are like, WTF?

…and that’s how Ted met The Mother!

SRSLY THO?

Delphine tries to rewrite history for the tour, and assures the tourists that the murder thing is a typo on the brochure. And in the guidebook. And on all of the internet. An angry Queenie watches her from the outside.

I will never be sick of the “who’s at the door” meme

Delphine is surprised to find Queenie lounging on a chaise. Queenie tells her that no one is buying her lies about her history.

Yeah I crossed your red velvet rope and made my own VIP section. Deal with it.

We cut to Delphine on the tour in sunglasses and a scarf. Classic disguise! I wonder if she learned that from B.A.P.S.

This worked for Halle Berry, right?

After getting hit with all that harsh truth, Delphine corners the tour guide in the torture attic and clobbers her with hammer. Queenie demands that Delphine let the guide go.

You knocked her out AND didn’t tip her? You’re a monster!

Poor Queenie is still convinced there’s a soul somewhere inside Delphine. She tells Delphine she could redeem herself by spending the rest of her life doing community service.

I know there’s more to you than murder and a series of great poop faces

But Delphine is in no mood for redemption. She’s learned from watching TV/the magic box that the world is full of people groveling for forgiveness and not meaning it, like Paula Deen, Anthony Weiner, et al. She says that everyone is soft and their apologies are bullshit.

Neuromancer? Only when discussing cyberpunk literature classics

The only thing Delphine feels bad about is the state of the world, and Queenie realizes that she’ll never get through to her. Can we talk about how badass Gabourey Sidibe is for a minute? She’s spent the entire season going toe-to-toe with Academy Award winning Kathy Motherfucking Bates, and she is more than holding her own. Four for you, Gabourey.

Oh Teddy, we promised we wouldn’t get sucked into Bad Girls’ Club again this season, but it’s just too good

Queenie stabs Delphine in the heart, and a horrified Delphine realizes that she is really truly dying. She says she doesn’t want to die, but Queenie tells her no one does. Delphine bleeds out and dies. RIP Delphine you will be missed by probably no one on this show.

I can’t believe I’m dying and pooping face

Back at Beauxbatons Academy for Teenage Bitches, Fiona is sitting for her Supreme portrait. She’s got some prime wall real estate picked out and everything. Myrtle has brought in Claude from London, painter to the stars, and cunnilingus partner to Myrtle. I made that last part up, because I honestly can’t tell where this show ends and my gutter mind begins anymore IT’S ALL A BLUR Y’ALL.

Please be sure to capture my zero fucks given

In the middle of the sitting, Fiona gets a nose bleed and tells us she has two weeks to live. Yeah, I’m sure it’s that and not the Kilimanjaro of coke you snorted with Papa Legba.

Either dying from hangover or from cancer

Fiona goes through her fabulous jewelry collection, and I immediately wish for a QVC show that’s just Fiona selling her jewels and telling fabulous stories about how she got them.

Adam Duritz gifted this to me after a 72 hour long 69 in Dayton, Ohio

Cordelia walks in and Fiona asks that they just be kind to each other. Cordelia is not so sure, since she spent the last two episodes with Fiona screaming “useless!” at her until she voluntarily blinded herself. Fiona also tells Cordelia that she had the power in her all along.

And you didn’t think of telling me this BEFORE I BLINDED MYSELF?

Fiona tells Cordelia it’s goodbye for real this time, but Cordy feels the truth through the necklace. Fiona is going to murder every witch in the coven just to stay alive.

Cordelia pays Axeman a visit and he legit tells her not to disturb a man while he’s playing with his instrument. Skiddely-Be-Bop-Ga-Gross-Gross.

And by instrument I mean penis. And by playing I mean playing

Before he can finish scatting in his pants, Cordelia tells him that it’s not safe to love Fiona, because she’s soulless/a major league bitch. She then shows Axeman visions of Fiona’s purse (because her powers are like an airport x-ray now?) where Fiona’s got one ticket to paradise and no ticket to Axe Country.

But I already made us reservations at Dollywood!

Sounds right up Ghost Spalding’s alley

Cordelia then says that Fiona just uses people, and she’d never stay with a shitty musician in a cheap suit. Zing! I’d say poor Axeman, but we can agree he’s the worst right? Besides, this is great fodder for a torch song.

Cordelia returns to Ho’s Warts School of Bitchcraft and Bitchery where she once again tries to commune with Misty’s dirty laundry. She finally get some images and sees Misty singing Fleetwood Mac in a coffin, because why the fuck not.

Smells like Summer’s Eve and patchouli

Cordelia and Queenie hit the cemetery and Cordelia coaches Queenie to use her powers to bust open the grave. Queenie yanks out the coffin using only her mind and they open it to find an unconscious Misty.

Talk to the hand, Some Stranger’s Desecrated Grave!

Queenie then uses some Vitalis to breathe life into Misty and she wakes with a start. Welcome back, Misty! There have been 90% less shawls and twirling in your absence!

OMG did I miss Flowers in the Attic? Please tell me you Tivoed it

Myrtle waves Madison away from snorting her latest flower arrangement. She also tells her that Queenie and Cordelia are rescuing Misty and Madison is like, FUCK.

This is my “not a murderer” face

They are then surprised (are they really tho?) by the triumphant return of FrankenKyle and Zoe. Myrtle was desperately hoping that they’d be gallivanting off forever, instead of forsaking their destiny a la Halston when he sold out to JCPenny.

Turns out neither of us are really into it without Madison in the room

I’m not getting those Epcot tickets back, am I?

They made it all the way to Florida and were laughing and dancing and cornholing away until FrankenKyle accidently killed a hobo and Zoe brought him back to life. This pales in comparison to my Floridian experiences, wherein I drink a Piña Colada the size of my leg and pass out on a sand dune.

Can’t decide which bridge is more boring: this one or the one in Madison County

Basically, Zoe is all embracing her inner witch and wants to compete for America’s Next Top Supreme.

And then I thought, why travel the world resurrecting people when I can just die in this sorry excuse for a school?

So totally forgot this was a school

And then comes THE GREATEST PART OF THE EPISODE/ANY SHOW EVER: Misty, Cordelia and Queenie storm in and Misty proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of Madison.

I love how this fight scene was shot. It was brutal, it was rough, and it was all close fighting with no magic. Misty is straight up Beatrix Kiddo-ing the crap out of Madison. Also, Madison is wearing sequin short shorts, and Misty kicks her in the ass.

In the words of Tanisha from Bad Girls’ Club, I will go to jail for you, son

My nose! Now I’ll never be a teen model!

Misty literally tosses Madison’s skinny ass across the room and Madison goes sliding like she’s a fucking Swiffer or something. If anyone would like to make a series of GIFs of this fight, I would love you forever. Misty even tells her she doesn’t want to waste her magic, saying “I’ll do you with my hand!” Um, PHRASING!

This just turned delightfully erotic!

I’m gonna kick you so hard in the vag it’ll kickstart menopause!

NOT the best outfit for a brawl

Queenie is like, this is the best thing ever, while Zoe and FrankenKyle try to break up the fight because they hate fun. Misty also calls Madison Hollywood, which is nice. The fight stops when Axeman appears ready to kill them all.

I want in on this rumble!

Come get a taste

Madison also has time for a quip about Axeman being in the wrong fucking house, which impressive when you consider she is definitely bleeding internally.

All the witches use their power to toss Axeman into the staircase. Cordelia notices he’s covered in blood, but whose blood? She touches it and sees Fiona in pain.

Best Hadouken ever!

Fiona shows up at Axeman’s apartment looking for some axe play. She finds a depressed Axeman who tells her that Cordelia visited. Fiona then asks if she’s in the bathtub, which is cold fucking blooded.

I don’t care if you killed her or you’re bathing her, either way I’m into it

He finds the plane ticket in Fiona’s purse and is like, we had a deal you sexy temptress! Fiona tells him that the sex was fun, but he was merely a place holder for her. He begs her to at least pretend to love him, but she’s like no can do, I don’t have a soul.

It’s not me, it’s you. Also, jazz is the worst.

Hold the fuck up: was I alone in thinking that Fiona genuinely loved Axeman? She kept going on about finally finding love, and blahblahblah. I mean, I know she’s evil, but I did kind of like them as a couple. Fiona tells him that once she kills all the witches, she’ll have a good 30 year run before the next generation comes up.

Besides, Save Ferris is doing a reunion tour and you KNOW I can’t get enough mid-90’s ska!

Axeman grabs Fiona by the hair and tosses her onto the bed. He tries to kiss her but she kicks him off. She was just using him to feel something.

You taste like burger

Axeman calles her a crime against humanity, which if it’s anything like Cards Against Humanity, I need to buy immediately.

You axe-murdered my heart!

Fiona gets up and pours herself a drink. She tells Axeman she’s always two steps ahead of everyone, which means she is def about to die. She launches into a story about kittens when Axeman chops her in the back and proceeds to axe murder her. RIP Fiona. You sassy and evil and I loved every minute of you.

Literally about to be backstabbed

The witches all hear the story and recoil. Axeman fed her body to the gators, and even Misty can’t reincarnate gator poop.

Dibs on her wardrobe

Just had diarrhea simultaneously

While everyone stand around in shock, Queenie cracks her knuckles and is like, are we killing this douche or what?

Madison grabs his axe and Myrtle tells them to stop. Hasn’t the house seen enough bloodshed?

I know this seems like an arbitrary time to stop murdering each other, but why not?

Madison reminds her Axeman is a psycho serial killer, but Myrtle is like LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU MURDERING SKANK.

In our defense, Murder Club is the only extracurricular this school offers

Myrtle sees him as a tragic figure, but everyone else is like, nope, this guy’s gotta die. FrankenKyle is ready to maul him but Misty reminds him that they don’t need a man to protect them. Girl Power via murder!

Wind! Earth! Heart! Knife!

The witches descend on Axeman and stab him a million times in revenge. I’m all about taking down the patriarchy, but Fiona murdered Madison, used Queenie, burned Myrtle, and threw everyone else into a wall. Plus, she was planning on killing the entire coven. Axeman did those dummies a favor.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE STABBING ABOUT!

RIP Axeman. I hope this means we are done with all that fucking jazz.

Meanwhile, Delphine wakes up and finds herself locked up in her old murder attic. She is surrounded by mutilated slaves and sees her daughter Borquita (HEY GIRL) locked in a cage beside her. Wouldn’t it be amazing if the next season of AHS was just told entirely from Borquita’s POV?

I’m like 95% sure every time we see Borquita she’s played by a different actress and RyMurph is just trolling us all

Delphine feels bad for imprisoning her daughter and apologizes to her…so if you’re keeping track at home, Delphine is sorry for ONLY THIS ONE THING.

Sorry I gave you a mouthful of shit sandwich (via blog.idonethis.com)

Marie Laveau appears and gets to torturing Delphine and Borquita. But suddenly Marie stops before shoving a hot poker up Borquita’s ass. She’s like, why the fuck am I here?

Who the fuck is Borquita anyway?

Marie doesn’t want to torture her, but Papa Legba appears and tells her she has no choice. Why? Because they are not in the murder attic…THEY ARE IN HELL! Delphine is sentenced to watch the torture and Marie is sentenced to carry it out forever. No one will be leaving Papa’s house… ever.

Basically, you’re both fucked for eternity. Now where’s my coke?

Marie is like, what the fuck, we had a contract Papa! Besides, she did a lot of good in her immortal life. Like helping people with their hair and killing racists and stuff.

Does an eternity of free dread upkeep mean nothing to you, Papa?

Papa Legba reminds her she also gave him like, a million infants, and she’s like, oh yeah, I’m fucked. Hope y’all enjoy eternity together! Marie gets back to anally raping Borquita with a hot poker. It’s just like the story of Prometheus and the vultures, but grosser.

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Rapidly Disappearing Rugs, FrankenKyle hangs the finished portrait of Fiona. The twitches talk about how she was a badass Supreme and a lot to live up to…huh?

I need an enormous portrait of Jessica Lange for my house

Cordelia is like, nope she was a raging bitch and a shitty Supreme. But now that Fiona is dead, all the twitches have to compete in the seven wonders, where they will become the next Supreme or die trying.

I won’t speak ill of the dead, but that woman was a raging cunt nugget

ON THE SEASON FINALE: Who will be America’s Next top Supreme?!? And who will be resurrected for a final hurrah?! And what the fuck am I supposed to watch once this shit show is over?!

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