Myrtle waves Madison away from snorting her latest flower arrangement. She also tells her that Queenie and Cordelia are rescuing Misty and Madison is like, FUCK.
This is my “not a murderer” face
They are then surprised (are they really tho?) by the triumphant return of FrankenKyle and Zoe. Myrtle was desperately hoping that they’d be gallivanting off forever, instead of forsaking their destiny a la Halston when he sold out to JCPenny.
Turns out neither of us are really into it without Madison in the room
I’m not getting those Epcot tickets back, am I?
They made it all the way to Florida and were laughing and dancing and cornholing away until FrankenKyle accidently killed a hobo and Zoe brought him back to life. This pales in comparison to my Floridian experiences, wherein I drink a Piña Colada the size of my leg and pass out on a sand dune.
Can’t decide which bridge is more boring: this one or the one in Madison County
Basically, Zoe is all embracing her inner witch and wants to compete for America’s Next Top Supreme.
And then I thought, why travel the world resurrecting people when I can just die in this sorry excuse for a school?
So totally forgot this was a school
And then comes THE GREATEST PART OF THE EPISODE/ANY SHOW EVER: Misty, Cordelia and Queenie storm in and Misty proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of Madison.
I love how this fight scene was shot. It was brutal, it was rough, and it was all close fighting with no magic. Misty is straight up Beatrix Kiddo-ing the crap out of Madison. Also, Madison is wearing sequin short shorts, and Misty kicks her in the ass.
In the words of Tanisha from Bad Girls’ Club, I will go to jail for you, son
My nose! Now I’ll never be a teen model!
Misty literally tosses Madison’s skinny ass across the room and Madison goes sliding like she’s a fucking Swiffer or something. If anyone would like to make a series of GIFs of this fight, I would love you forever. Misty even tells her she doesn’t want to waste her magic, saying “I’ll do you with my hand!” Um, PHRASING!
This just turned delightfully erotic!
I’m gonna kick you so hard in the vag it’ll kickstart menopause!
NOT the best outfit for a brawl
Queenie is like, this is the best thing ever, while Zoe and FrankenKyle try to break up the fight because they hate fun. Misty also calls Madison Hollywood, which is nice. The fight stops when Axeman appears ready to kill them all.
I want in on this rumble!
Come get a taste
Madison also has time for a quip about Axeman being in the wrong fucking house, which impressive when you consider she is definitely bleeding internally.
All the witches use their power to toss Axeman into the staircase. Cordelia notices he’s covered in blood, but whose blood? She touches it and sees Fiona in pain.
Best Hadouken ever!
Fiona shows up at Axeman’s apartment looking for some axe play. She finds a depressed Axeman who tells her that Cordelia visited. Fiona then asks if she’s in the bathtub, which is cold fucking blooded.
I don’t care if you killed her or you’re bathing her, either way I’m into it
He finds the plane ticket in Fiona’s purse and is like, we had a deal you sexy temptress! Fiona tells him that the sex was fun, but he was merely a place holder for her. He begs her to at least pretend to love him, but she’s like no can do, I don’t have a soul.
It’s not me, it’s you. Also, jazz is the worst.
Hold the fuck up: was I alone in thinking that Fiona genuinely loved Axeman? She kept going on about finally finding love, and blahblahblah. I mean, I know she’s evil, but I did kind of like them as a couple. Fiona tells him that once she kills all the witches, she’ll have a good 30 year run before the next generation comes up.
Besides, Save Ferris is doing a reunion tour and you KNOW I can’t get enough mid-90’s ska!
Axeman grabs Fiona by the hair and tosses her onto the bed. He tries to kiss her but she kicks him off. She was just using him to feel something.
You taste like burger
Axeman calles her a crime against humanity, which if it’s anything like Cards Against Humanity, I need to buy immediately.
You axe-murdered my heart!
Fiona gets up and pours herself a drink. She tells Axeman she’s always two steps ahead of everyone, which means she is def about to die. She launches into a story about kittens when Axeman chops her in the back and proceeds to axe murder her. RIP Fiona. You sassy and evil and I loved every minute of you.
Literally about to be backstabbed
The witches all hear the story and recoil. Axeman fed her body to the gators, and even Misty can’t reincarnate gator poop.
Dibs on her wardrobe
Just had diarrhea simultaneously
While everyone stand around in shock, Queenie cracks her knuckles and is like, are we killing this douche or what?
Madison grabs his axe and Myrtle tells them to stop. Hasn’t the house seen enough bloodshed?
I know this seems like an arbitrary time to stop murdering each other, but why not?
Madison reminds her Axeman is a psycho serial killer, but Myrtle is like LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU MURDERING SKANK.
In our defense, Murder Club is the only extracurricular this school offers
Myrtle sees him as a tragic figure, but everyone else is like, nope, this guy’s gotta die. FrankenKyle is ready to maul him but Misty reminds him that they don’t need a man to protect them. Girl Power via murder!
Wind! Earth! Heart! Knife!
The witches descend on Axeman and stab him a million times in revenge. I’m all about taking down the patriarchy, but Fiona murdered Madison, used Queenie, burned Myrtle, and threw everyone else into a wall. Plus, she was planning on killing the entire coven. Axeman did those dummies a favor.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE STABBING ABOUT!
RIP Axeman. I hope this means we are done with all that fucking jazz.
Meanwhile, Delphine wakes up and finds herself locked up in her old murder attic. She is surrounded by mutilated slaves and sees her daughter Borquita (HEY GIRL) locked in a cage beside her. Wouldn’t it be amazing if the next season of AHS was just told entirely from Borquita’s POV?
I’m like 95% sure every time we see Borquita she’s played by a different actress and RyMurph is just trolling us all
Delphine feels bad for imprisoning her daughter and apologizes to her…so if you’re keeping track at home, Delphine is sorry for ONLY THIS ONE THING.
Sorry I gave you a mouthful of shit sandwich (via blog.idonethis.com)
Marie Laveau appears and gets to torturing Delphine and Borquita. But suddenly Marie stops before shoving a hot poker up Borquita’s ass. She’s like, why the fuck am I here?
Who the fuck is Borquita anyway?
Marie doesn’t want to torture her, but Papa Legba appears and tells her she has no choice. Why? Because they are not in the murder attic…THEY ARE IN HELL! Delphine is sentenced to watch the torture and Marie is sentenced to carry it out forever. No one will be leaving Papa’s house… ever.
Basically, you’re both fucked for eternity. Now where’s my coke?
Marie is like, what the fuck, we had a contract Papa! Besides, she did a lot of good in her immortal life. Like helping people with their hair and killing racists and stuff.
Does an eternity of free dread upkeep mean nothing to you, Papa?
Papa Legba reminds her she also gave him like, a million infants, and she’s like, oh yeah, I’m fucked. Hope y’all enjoy eternity together! Marie gets back to anally raping Borquita with a hot poker. It’s just like the story of Prometheus and the vultures, but grosser.
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Rapidly Disappearing Rugs, FrankenKyle hangs the finished portrait of Fiona. The twitches talk about how she was a badass Supreme and a lot to live up to…huh?
I need an enormous portrait of Jessica Lange for my house
Cordelia is like, nope she was a raging bitch and a shitty Supreme. But now that Fiona is dead, all the twitches have to compete in the seven wonders, where they will become the next Supreme or die trying.
I won’t speak ill of the dead, but that woman was a raging cunt nugget
ON THE SEASON FINALE: Who will be America’s Next top Supreme?!? And who will be resurrected for a final hurrah?! And what the fuck am I supposed to watch once this shit show is over?!
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I’m the writer on the drug binge. At least that’s the way I’m feeling about my thesis, which I have about 3 weeks to write. Therefore if this season wraps up well, I’ll be super happy :)
You had me dying of lol’s at “Kilimanjaro of coke” for like ten straight minutes.
I will also never be sick of the ‘who’s at the door memes’ either.
the most important moment in all of television history.
Do me next, Misty; do me next!
I want to go to there.
Adam Duritz? How do you come up with this stuff?!
If, after everyfuckingbody else has been killed then resurrected, Fiona is not for the final episode, I am going to be mighty pissed. Like, Misty-Day-face-punching pissed. The most satisfying ending I can come up with is this: Fiona returns as a literal force of nature, Nan tucked under her arm (like Eve under God’s arm on the Sistine Chapel), wipes out the idiot girls, bug-eyed Cordy, and FrankenKyle as Myrtle plays the theremin and delivers surreal quips, Misty twirls (adding to the gale-force winds), and Queenie screams, “Die, White Bitches, Die!” while cackling madly. Then Fiona conjures back Marie, pours them both a drink, and they toast to a new life free of the mindless plotting of Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy.
(And then I get my season’s pass refunded by Amazon.)
Such a bummer there’s only one more episode/recap to go. My money is on Ghost Spalding making a reappearance that’s both unrealistic (duh, it’s AHS) and hilarious.
Am I the only one that laughed their ass of when Legba asked Queenie for more marshmallows?
I can’t let it go by another second. This must be said: why did they make Papa Legba look like Baron Samedi? I realize I might be the only person on the planet with the peev, but you’d think if they were filming some place where, I dunno, the New Orleans VooDoo Temple was right up the street, they could stop by and say: “Hey, does this look like Papa Legba to you?” FURY!
I hope Stevie Nicks returns in the finale, declares herself supreme, and then performs “Silver Springs” while all the witches melt.
No, I totally agree. Many people that practice voodoo/voodou are REALLY pissed about this. Papa Legba is this sweet old guy that is the gatekeeper, not some crazy creepy cokehead that steals souls.
/rant
Yes, my understanding is that he’s an intermediary between the living and the dead, not “the devil” nor a deity, as Queenie calls him. And you’re right–being right there on the scene, as it were, you’d think it would be easy to check this stuff out. But in Falchuck-Murphy land, that would probably be considered limiting to the imagination or something.
I need everybody to melt while Stevie sings Silver Springs now you mentioned it.
I laughed my ass off out loud for 15 minutes. Great stuff!
I finally caught up on the show this weekend and I can honestly say that your recaps are way better than the show itself! LOLing forever at the captions.
You absolutely have to recap another show when this one is over. I don’t even care what, you name it, I’ll watch.
And I want a Myrtle spin-off so bad.
OMG YES to the Myrtle spin-off. I don’t care what it’s about. I could watch her sassing people using obscure fashion references and playing her hideous and weird theremin all day every day.
I just binge-read all of these recaps. They’re fantastic. Four for you, Chelsea!
Also, something that has been bugging me since I first viewed this ep: What the hell is up with Marie acting all upset about having to torture Borquita? I’m pretty sure within the first few episodes we saw that she had hanged Delphine’s entire family prior to throwing her in the ground. That was really weird. I can’t decide whether this was a slip in continuity or, like, maybe it was because the Marie we saw in hell was “Marie-with-her-soul” (which I assume she sold before Delphine murdered Bastian and shit hit the fan), and her soul was like “oh no I’m a good person I can’t do that shit.” OR maybe Marie felt like the hanging of Delphine’s family was justifiable vengeance but anything beyond that was unnecessary cruelty? I’m probably way over-thinking this but, I dunno. Thoughts, anyone?
I’ll say this, we ALL think way more about this stuff than any of the writers do, for sure! They don’t seem too concerned about character continuity or making even a wee bit of sense, so your conclusions are bound to be better than theirs!
I didn’t know one got reunited with one’s soul in hell, but then I don’t believe in hell, so there’s that. Your explanation seems reasonable to me. Especially because she did a kind of double-take, as though her feelings surprised her. I’ll vote for your answer, Melanie.
I’ve reached the point where I can’t physically *watch* the show (equal parts ADHD and fiery, undying hatred for Ryan Murphy), so I listen to it while I draw/do origami/make my Sims have sex/crochet/be an utter cliche. And then I come here and see the pictures of all the stuff I was listening to along with witty and insightful commentary, and it is so much better than forcing myself to concentrate on 43 minutes of nonsensical storylines being murdered and revived in rapid succession.
Please don’t wait to post about last night’s final episode. I need to talk about Myrtle’s last word.