American Horror Story 311 Recap: Protect the Coven

Welcome to the eleventh episode of American Horror Story, where fingers, toes, and eyeballs are tossed about like confetti. Seriously, this episode was crazy violent. I need a comet enema for my soul.

This week’s vocab word is: RIPBRB. We barely say goodbye to dead characters before they are immediately revived/become ghosts/get planted in the garden of a shit shack and bloom like fucking gardenias. The stakes have never been lower!

We open in 1830, where Delphine and Borquita are moving into their New Orleans mansion. Delphine is super bummed about leaving Paris for NOLA, when she should be focusing on the fabulously enormous blue dress she is wearing. That thing knows how to make an entrance.

Those sleeves are blowing my mind

Those sleeves are blowing my mind

Borquita captures a chicken in the yard and Delphine tells her to kill it so they can have dinner. Borquita doesn’t have the stomach for it, which is really gonna suck when she’s trapped in an attic eating shit sandwiches forever. Delphine grabs the chopper and kills the chicken herself. At this rate, Borquita is never getting a pet.

Tis a murder most fowl!

Tis a murder most fowl!

As the chicken blood covers Delphine’s hands, she feels a sense of wonder… looks like someone just got their origin story. All she needs is a box of slides and a ribbed Henley and she’ll be Dexter Morgan.

Later on, Delphine finds an injured slave in the house who is bleeding profusely from his leg. As soon as she touches the blood, she becomes entranced. Delphine clubs him over the head and ties him up, and a serial killer is born. Blegh.

Why didn't I just walk it off?

Why didn’t I just walk it off?

The coven has assembled in the cemetery for Nan’s funeral. Fiona and Marie do their best/worst to cover up the murder, Cordelia is feeling useless, and Misty isn’t around to revive Nan. This funeral, much like this coven, is a hot mess. I think Marie’s face just about sums it up:

Best. Face. Ever.

Best. Face. Ever.

Why don’t they just hang onto Nan’s body until they find Misty? I mean, they kept Madison in the doll attic for like a month, they can’t put Nan on ice until Stevie Jr. shows up? I think they all just wanted to wear their brand new funeral hats.

Look at all those stupid fucking hats

Look at all those stupid fucking hats

Guess who shows up for the funeral? Queenie! She’s alive!!

Fuck all y'all, I brought my own damn hat

Fuck all y’all, I brought my own damn hat

Queenie arrives with this season’s hottest accessory: an old racist serial killer on a leash! Turns out she glued Delphine back together again! The dynamic duo is back! And by duo I mean Delphine and her bedazzled tiger sweater.

It's called a 24/7 submissive relationship, and it's my life now

It’s called a 24/7 submissive relationship, and it’s my life now

Queenie is pissed (and rightly so) that no one bothered to check whether she was alive or dead. Delphine spits on Marie and gets slapped down. Zoe and Madison are impressed that Queenie fixed up Delphine without any scars, and Queenie calls them out for making FrankenKyle with a hot glue gun and some Mod Podge.

Queenie seriously considers opening an Etsy shop for repaired white bitches

Queenie seriously considers opening an Etsy shop for repaired white bitches

Over at Delphi Trust, Renard and David(?) discuss covering up Hank’s death and their revenge plans for the witches. I’m sure they’re quaking in their stylish yet affordable boots.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Bad Hattitude Haberdashery, Delphine is giving pedicures and champagne to Fiona and Marie while they make plans to destroy the Delphi guys.

You want me to lube up the whole hand?

You want me to lube up the whole hand?

Delphine tells us in voiceover about her past as an animal mutilator/budding serial killer, and what a stone cold bummer it is to be reduced to a servant for a bunch of high drama witches. There are hats to clean, threesomes to clean up after, and endless cocktails for Fiona.

Kids today and their threeways!

Kids today and their threeways!

She is so disgruntled she fishes Madison’s poop out of the toilet and makes a poop soup for all the witches. I can only assume that Queenie screened The Help right after B.A.P.S.

Everyone's laughing, and playing, and poop-souping without her!

Everyone’s laughing, and playing, and poop-souping without her!

Oh yeah, and Delphine has to care for the baby because Marie stole a fucking baby, remember? So the baby storyline tracks through but we never find out what happened to the fucking dog?

Parenting 101: Don't give your baby to a known baby killer

Parenting 101: Don’t give your baby to a known baby killer

Also, Marie yells “Who Dat!” in Delphine’s face, so that’s how we find out she’s a Saints fan.

CLASSIC Kathy Bates poop face

CLASSIC Kathy Bates poop face

Meanwhile, Fiona is booty calling Axeman every night, Myrtle is comparing figs to Olympic ejaculate, and Cordelia is crying and chanting into her green smoothie. Business as fucking usual.

Misty's gone, so I guess I'll just have sexual tension with you, Vitamix

Misty’s gone, so I guess I’ll just have sexual tension with you, Vitamix

Myrtle, if you put semen in my smoothie again, I swear to fucking God...

Myrtle, if you put semen in my smoothie again, I swear to fucking God…

Basically, Delphine has lost that loving/murder feeling, so when the gardener shows up (hold on, there’s a fucking gardener?!?) Delphine drags him up to the creepy doll attic for some dismemberment.

Fine, it's not so much gardening as it is dumping topsoil on corpses

Fine, it’s not so much gardening as it is dumping topsoil on corpses

Meanwhile, Zoe is casting a spell in the bathroom while FrankenKyle watches.

Mighty Hecate, please remove the stench of Madison's wicked dump...

Mighty Hecate, please remove the stench of Madison’s wicked dump…

She’s hoping to find out who killed Nan, which is a waste of spell if you ask me. There are like, four other people in the house with you, girl. One of them is crying and the other is playing a theremin. Do the math!

The only tub magic I'm interested in is kind provided by a detachable showerhead HEY GIRL HEY

The only tub magic I’m interested in is kind provided by a detachable showerhead HEY GIRL HEY

While Zoe is trying to figure out why Fiona and Marie would kill Nan, Madison swans in. Zoe is sick of her shit, and tells Madison that they should have left her to rot. Burn.

Too busy wearing silver pants to care about murder

Too busy wearing silver pants to care about murder

Madison puts headphones on FrankenKyle, which is hilarious bc he’s a fully formed person now, right? She’s still pissed that FrankenKyle and Zoe fell in love and left her out, but Zoe denies it.

It's like you both don't even want up on this anymore

It’s like you both don’t even want up on this anymore

Madison doesn’t believe her, and threatens to whip out her kneepads and blow FrankenKyle right there. Kneepads? Wow, stars are NOT just like us.

But we were gonna get kneepads together!

But we were gonna get kneepads together!

FrankenKyle refuses the BJ because he loves Zoe. Madison is pissed because she made FrankenKyle so she thinks she owns him. Zoe calls her a brat and Madison uses her telekinesis to smash up the room and throw a lamp at Zoe’s head.

Myrtle comes in and reprimands Madison, who calls her a dried up old hot pocket, which is not an insult because hot pockets are delicious. I only hope that when I reach Myrtle’s age, my pocket is still that hot.

I put my hand up on my hip, when I dip you dip we dip?

I put my hand up on my hip, when I dip you dip we dip?

Madison has no respect, and tells everyone that when she’s the Supreme it’ll be crotchless panties, BJ kneepads, and Eminem 24/7. Soooo… Arizona State? She tells FrankenKyle that making him was fun, but breaking him will be even better. Better break out the emergency Mod Podge, Zoe.

Meanwhile, over in DJ Jazzy Jeff’s Jazzatorium, Fiona and Axeman are lounging around post-bang. Axeman tells Fiona that his family owns a country farm and he wants them to give up murder and magic and go do the Green Acres thing.

Can we take a moment to talk about how collegiate Axman's sheet are?

Can we take a moment to talk about how collegiate Axman’s sheets are?

Fiona tells him she needs one favor and they’ll do it. I’m pretty sure that favor has to do with his axe.

Anything to get out of this studio apartment, darling

Anything to get out of this studio apartment, darling

Meanwhile, Delphine has been planting flowers in the creepy doll attic. And by “planting flowers” I mean slicing up the poor gardener. Ghost Spalding appears, and Delphine tries to play off the murder with one of those “it’s not what it looks like” excuses, which is pretty weak considering she’s covered in blood and there are INTESTINES on the floor.

Your intestines are all over my American Girl Felicity doll! Get out!

Your intestines are all over my American Girl Felicity doll! Get out!

Ghost Spalding admires her work, because he is a creepster himself. OMG are they gonna hook up? I would be revolted/totally into that turn of events. Ghost Spalding tells her that the only way for her to die is through magical means, but first she must do him a favor… if I were a betting woman, I’d say 3-1 that favor involves dolls or night gowns. Or dolls IN night gowns.

Ghost Spalding has a killer Renee Zellweger impression

Ghost Spalding has a killer Renee Zellweger impression

It turns out that Ghost Spalding is a ghost racist, who doesn’t want Marie tampering with the Salem bloodlines or messing with Fiona. If Delphine can kill Marie, then she’ll be able to kill herself.

What's creepier: Delphine's maniacal glare of Ghost Spalding petting the doll in the background? Trick question! They're both terrifying.

What’s creepier: Delphine’s maniacal glare or Ghost Spalding petting the doll in the background? Trick question! They’re both terrifying.

Downstairs, Queenie is emptying her old room of Misty’s shit, since Misty has been gone a whole 45 minutes and no one is bothering to look for her. Cordelia comes in and welcomes her back while wearing the cutest skirt I have ever seen.

I'm sorry I've been a shitty headmistresses, but I've been distracted by my new eyeballs and an assload of mommy issues

I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty headmistresses, but I’ve been distracted by my new eyeballs and an assload of mommy issues

Queenie is like, what the actual fuck, I was gone for 2 days and now the covens are combined? Also, your husband shot me.

I mean, I just thought this season was building towards a race war. I'm excited to take down the patriarchy, but I've done a lot of race war prep.

I mean, I just thought this season was building towards a race war. I’m excited to take down the patriarchy, but I’ve done a lot of race war prep.

Can we talk about how victim blamey everyone in the coven is? Stop dumping on Cordelia just because she married a lying murdering douche! I have strong protective feelings for Cordelia, probably carried over from her Lana Banana days. She’s gone through so much. Remember when she just wanted to have a baby?

Hold up, does she know about that baby Marie stole? GIVE THAT BABY TO CORDELIA SHE ACTUALLY WANTS IT! Or return it to the hospital. That would be cool too.

Just realized the school hasn't taught a class in months bc she's been too focused on eyeball puns

Just realized the school hasn’t taught a class in months because she’s been too focused on eyeball puns

Queenie tells Cordelia she developed new powers, which means she can blow her brains out and survive, and she can’t be killed by a silver bullet. Um, bc she’s not a werewolf? Wait, is Queenie the new Supreme?! Please please please let this happen, first black Supreme in 2014! She’s like Barack Obama with super powers!

Queenie for Supreme, Gabourey for President

Queenie for Supreme, Gabourey for President

Cordelia tries to apologize, although for what? Being a shitty schoolmarm I guess, but that’s all she’s done wrong! Queenie tells her she’s weak and she always will be, and slams the door in her face.

Down in the potions parlor, Cordelia is concocting something that hopefully doesn’t include poop soup or shit sandwiches. She rubs some goop around her eyes and cries. Fuck, I know where this is going.

Witches get menses through their eyeballs now apparently

Witches get menses through their eyeballs now apparently

Cordelia takes her garden shears and stabs her own eyes out. JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST, garden shears? Also, those were brand new eyeballs! Poor Cordelia. There’s more to life than seeking your mom’s approval!

About to lose a staring contest with a pair of garden clippers

About to lose a staring contest with a pair of garden clippers

Fiona runs up the stairs, horrified to learn that Cordelia has blinded herself. Oh, NOW you’re gonna be a caring mother, Fiona? Myrtle is bummed as well, since those new eyeballs were some of her best work yet.

Can't I get my swirl on JUST ONCE without someone blinding themselves?

Can’t I get my swirl on JUST ONCE without someone blinding themselves?

Myrtle tells Fiona that Cordelia is something she’ll never be: a hero to the coven. She sacrificed her eyes to get her second sight back, which is pretty fucking useless for outside threats against the coven unless Cordelia is close enough to face palm them. Although I think we can all agree that the real threat is everyone in the coven.

The bad news is your daughter is blind. The good news is there is leftover poop soup.

The bad news is your daughter is blind. The good news is there is leftover poop soup.

I don’t want to give RyMurph too much credit, but I think this season is turning into a powerful metaphor about the ways in which women can be each other’s worst enemies. This whole season is one big re-enactment of lady lobsters holding each other down in the pot while the water boils. Is that actually a thing that happens? I learned everything I know about marine biology from The L Word.

Fiona decides against seeing her daughter for fear that she’ll see all her crimes. Myrtle can’t wait for this to unfold. Guys, what if Cordelia’s magic doesn’t come back? That would be so fucked.

Meanwhile, back at the doll factory, Delphine arrives with her gift for Ghost Spalding. It’s a fucking baby doll bc of course it is.

Anatomically correct YESSS!

Delphine, who is plenty creepy herself, is really offput by Ghost Spalding’s doll obsession. Aren’t we all? Spalding then gives her the magic potion to kill Marie. Is it eye of newt? Tongue of frog? Heart of Splenda? NOPE NOPE NOPE. It’s Benadryl!

Are those dolls doped up on Benadryl as well?

Are those dolls doped up on Benadryl as well?

Ghost Spalding, you sly bitch! He tells Delphine she can’t even say the name aloud, like it’s Voldemort or something. Looks like Marie is getting drugged up with anti-histamine tonight!

Bena-drill? Truly the work of the devil!

Bena-drill? Truly the work of the devil!

Downstairs in the potions room, Myrtle is jamming out on the theremin, and hopefully avoiding any ambient eyeball juice. Zoe comes downstairs and Myrtle gives her a jeweled harvester ant, which she describes in great detail and then DOESN’T show us, so fuck that.

With my theremin skills and your killer vag, we'd be unstoppable!

With my theremin skills and your killer vag, we’d be unstoppable!

Basically, Myrtle sees the love between Zoe and FrankenKyle, quotes some Keats, and tells Zoe to get the fuck out of there before they get murdered by Madison. Or Fiona. Or Delphine. Take your pick. Zoe doesn’t want to leave, as she is still harboring delusions of being the next Supreme. Girl, you have no powers, let it go.

When you say "totally useless" what do you mean exactly?

When you say “totally useless” what do you mean exactly?

Then we get some background on Myrtle’s love life (more of this please!). She was in love with Egon Von Furstenberg, but he dumped her. It turned out fine though, because he married Diane Von Fursternberg and she created the century’s greatest invention, the wrap dress! I would have gone with the internet as greatest invention, but whatevs. This monologue is further proof that the entire writing staff of this show is on mescaline.

And then I had a torrid lesbian affair with Donatella Versace...

And then I had a torrid lesbian affair with Donatella Versace…

How great would it be if Diane Von Furstenberg did a cameo? Can this show last forever and just be Fiona and Myrtle name-dropping celebs and then said celebs showing up and playing themselves? I would watch the crap out of that.

Zoe refuses to leave and Myrtle slaps her for being so damn stupid and unromantic.

Truth hurts

Truth hurts

Myrtle tells her to sell the jeweled insect, take some money and FrankenKyle and run. She also gives Zoe two tickets to Epcot Center, because OF COURSE Myrtle would have season passes to Epcot Center and not Disney World. She probably doesn’t even know there is a Disney World.

Bummed about leaving, but psyched for the Swedish smogasboard

Bummed about leaving, but psyched for the Swedish smogasboard

The Delphi trust guys rolls up in NOLA and go to a large conference room, ready to set down with Fiona and Marie. Fiona and Marie strut in looking incredible as always, and order up some drinks.

We'd like to order the business women's lunch. You know, for business women

We’d like to order the business women’s lunch. You know, for business women

Marie calls Renard White Devil, which is amazing. Renard tells them that he will pay for the collateral damage to her shop in exchange for removing the curse from Delphi Trust. He’s also negotiating for a 100 year peace treaty. Basically, he promises to leave them alone. The ladies respond with these faces:

Nope faces

Nope faces

Fiona makes a counter offer: they give up witch hunting forever, they disband their merry troop of assholes (the next Robin Hood film title) Renard gives Fiona his Barclay Square house plus a new paint job and a private jet for Marie, a unicorn that shits sapphires, two resurrected Beatles for a private reunion show, and Hillary Clinton’s private cell number. JK, that bitch is already in their top five.

We would like a powder blue pony to match our powder blue eyes. We would also like powder blue eyes

We would like a powder blue pony to match our powder blue eyes. We would also like powder blue eyes.

Meanwhile, the waiter is locking all the doors and taking out his axe… jk it’s not a waiter, it’s Axeman! Renard tells them he won’t agree to the terms, so Fiona present a counter-counter offer of an axe to the face.

He's executing the deal...get it?

He’s executing the deal…get it?

Axeman proceeds to murder all the patriarchy in the room except for Renard. Renard seems nonplussed and sips his coffee like a Bond villain. He tells them that killing him won’t end the war.

Also, your boyfriend is a waiter? Judging.

Also, your boyfriend is a waiter? Judging.

Fiona takes the axe herself and whacks him in the neck. Goodbye Delphi Trust. Marie takes selfies with the dead bodies as Axeman makes out with a bloody Fiona.

Let me axe you a question...sorry, I'm new to axe puns

Let me axe you a question…sorry, I’m new to axe puns

Sorry, my finger was covering the lens, can you chop his head off again?

Sorry, my finger was covering the lens, can you chop his head off again?

Murder boners

Murder boners

White people are gross

White people.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Tailgate Party for the Death of the Patriarchy, Fiona and Marie are celebrating the defeat of Delphi with a champagne toast. As Fiona heads out to reward bang Axeman, Marie starts to feel the effects of the Benadryl cocktail.

To the baddest bitches on planet Earth

To the baddest bitches on planet Earth

A drugged up Marie stumbles into bed, with Delphine close behind. Marie slaps Delphine on the ass and laughs at her. Delphine takes a massive knife and plunges it into Marie’s heart.

This is not how you top

This is not how you top

Marie is like, that shit hurts, what are you doing? Delphine tosses her the magic spell aka the info guide from inside the Benadryl box. Marie laughs at her, but is also pissed. She pulls out the knife and goes after Delphine.

The only thing I'm allergic to is evil racist bitches!

The only thing I’m allergic to is evil racist bitches!

Marie chases after Delphine with the knife, but Ghost Spalding clobbers her over the head with a doll and she tumbles down the stairs. Delphine stares up at him in surprise.

Mattel's new line of murder accessory dolls

Mattel’s new line of murder accessory dolls

Ghost Spalding tells her he just wanted Marie gone, and Delphine is like, she’s immortal, what now? Spalding tells her to bury her and find a way to keep her from digging herself out. Delphine says “turds on that,” which might be my new favorite catch phrase.

Well, will you at least get me a rug to roll her up in or something?

Well, will you at least get me a rug to roll her up in or something?

We then head up to the doll house, where Ghost Spalding is wearing a nighty and playing “Now That’s What I Call Creepy! 57″. And guess who he has with him? That fucking infant! He says he finally has a living doll. Yikes yikes yikes.

In 20 years that baby will need so much therapy and have no idea why

In 20 years that baby will need so much therapy and have no idea why

Zoe tells FrankenKyle to pack as Epcot awaits, but FrankenKyle refuses to go. He’s worried he’ll hulk out and hurt Zoe. Turns out he can’t control his emotions and wants to protect her from his overwhelming feelings. Ugh, who does this guy think he is, Caleb from Pretty Little Liars?

All aboard the feeling monorail

All aboard the feelings monorail

Zoe tells him she loves him, and the next shot we see is FrankenKyle and Zoe running for the Orlando bus with techno music playing in the background. Um, remember what happened the last time you got on a bus, FrankenKyle? Madison flipped it with her mind and shredded you like a Cuisinart.

This is like a music video except it's a bus station

This is like a music video except it’s a bus station

Spaceship Earth, here we come!

Spaceship Earth, here we come!

NEXT WEEK: Papa Legba returns in search of coke! Misty gets dug up! And there are only four witches left on the road to becoming America’s Next Top Supreme!

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

Chelsea has written 42 articles for us.

17 Comments

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    myrtle’s excitement about mulligatawny soup made me SO happy and i want to react like that to every meal, except knowing it was full of poop sort of.. diminished my joy.

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    Guys is anyone else noticing that as the season get worse, Chelsea recaps are becoming more brilliant…. I think Chelsea might be the next Supreme! Come on guys, you know this is a better scenario than anything good ol RyMurph has in store for the finale.

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