We zoom over to the hospital, where Zoe and Madison are strutting down the hallway. Zoe is wearing a variation of that fucking hat, and Madison is wearing a Russian fur hat and a sheer ankle-length night gown. Appropriate.
No, we haven’t talked about our post-threesome feels, and I won’t be the first one to bring it up!
They find Nan waiting outside Shirtless Luke’s room because Patti LuPone won’t let her in. The twitches barge in to see Luke, who is in a coma. Patti yells at them to leave, but Nan can communicate with Luke. To put it in Madison’s words, “no bitch, she’s clairvoyant.” Also, in case she couldn’t tell, they are witches. I think she figured that on out, girls.
Is this a bad time? Great, we’ll just barge on in!
Nan convinces her that Luke is speaking through her, and wants to hear Patti sing to him. You and me both, Luke! That woman is a national treasure.
Look, we just want to hear like, 12 bars of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and then we’ll leave you alone, okay?
It’s “You Never Send Me Flowers” or nothing you little brats!
So she sings “Just a Closer Walk with Thee”, although I’d rather hear her sing this:
Or maybe this:
Or how about this kicky little number?
BRB crying forever.
So Patti sings and cries and hugs Nan and loves her dead gay son and all is forgiven.
Over at the Severed Head Emporium, Queenie has Delphine propped up on a little table. Delphine is hungry, but Queenie wisely notes that the food will just go through her mouth and shit out her neck, which can then be made into a shit sandwich, and she’s on a no carb diet gosh Delphine you’re so stupid!
When these mismatched roommates get together, heads will roll… with laughter! Queenie and the Head, this fall on CBS!
Before she kills Delphine, Queenie wants to try to educate her about racism via a movie marathon. She’s got the box set of Roots, Mandingo, The Color Purple, and her personal fave, B.A.P.S.
Do you see how they took the titles of two hit movies and slapped them into this movie’s slogan? Genius! Writing this column is so much Les Miserables when I can American Hustle together some weed…Gravity.
And I’ve got The Watermelon Woman on Netflix instant!
Taking a wicked neck dump
I would watch an entire show of Kathy Bates’s head watching shows.
Meanwhile, Hank is in his room nomming on some Chinese food when a wound opens on his wrist and he starts gushing blood. Other wounds appear all over his body, and we see that Marie Laveau is going to town on a voodoo doll.
THEY FORGOT THE EXTRA RICE! NOOOO!!!!
Marie’s henchman breaks into the room, with the sole purpose of… answering the phone and handing it to Hank? Marie tells him either the white witches die tonight or he gets a needle through the heart.
Is your refrigerator running? Because I just stabbed that thing with all my needles
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Potions After Dark Room, Misty and Cordelia are cranking the Stevie and whipping up some magic mud in a blender.
One more pinch of Madison’s pot and we’ll be ready for Laser Floyd
Misty says her spell and brings a plant to life, and is adorably delighted to be magicking up a storm alongside Cordelia.
Go Team Scissoring!
Misty says that Cordy makes an awesome leader and she hs so much to learn from her… in bed. Cordelia tells her they make a great team, and they are moments away from making out.
Once we’re done here, wanna go to town on each other?
I thought you’d never ask!
Then Hank shows up and really ruins the bohemian, sexually fluid vibe of the scene. He’s drunk, and he wants to win back Cordelia. Cordelia shuts him down right quick and tells him to take his shit and GTFO. Misty walks in and Hank recognizes from trying to shoot her in the swamp shack. Hank tells Cordelia he only wants to protect her which LOL she’s a witch she’s got it covered okay thanks goodbye.
She’s mine now, Jabroni!
Hank takes his cardboard box of aforementioned shit and Charlie Browns his way out of there. A guard dog growls at him, followed closely by Fiona, also growling. She tells Hank they don’t need his puny mortal protection, and that female dogs are more loyal/aggressive/better at processing emotions. She then magicks his box to break, dumping his shit on the floor.
I’ve trained this dog to attack unnecessary characters, so watch out.
As Hank leaves, the dog growls at Zoe and Madison’s door. Fiona opens it and finds FrankenKyle. She says “another goddamn boy, Jesus these girls!” FrankenKyle is thrilled about the dog though… until we hear a sickening crunch…did he just kill that fucking dog? Did the dog eat his face? I am okay with ONE of these outcomes.
Frankennuzzles!
Back at the hospital, Patti is calling Nan a miracle and thanks her for her gifts. She says that Nan is proof of God’s existence… and speaking of God, they told Luke that Patti murdered his father and will be judged for it! Twist!
And tell her I always hated her waffles, too!
Turns out that Luke’s dad was banging another woman and was ready to leave Patti… until she unleashed bees in his car!
Fucking bees y’all! It was kind of like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4k79yNNdFr8
And maybe a little bit like this:
Guess who no longer thinks Nan is a miracle? Patti yells at her and kicks her out of the hospital room.
Release the bees!
Meanwhile, we see Hank loading up all the guns. Uh oh.
Zoe, Madison, and Nan come back to Miss Robichaux’s Magic Castle, where they find FrankenKyle and Fiona playing gin rummy.
But you said you didn’t know how to play UNO!?!
Fiona used her Supreme awesomeness to spruce up FrankenKyle, saying that he’s the new guard dog. Um guys, what the fuck happened to that real dog? God I hope he didn’t eat the dog.
That’s another straight flush. Those boxers are coming off.
Back at the B.A.P.S. fan club headquarters, Delphine has made it through all of Roots with her eyes closed. Queenie is disappointed but not surprised. She makes Delphine watch one more video, then she’s tossing her into the fire.
Grumpy cat face
Okay, I have one more. It’s called Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor by Tyler Perry
Queenie goes back downstairs to work the phones, when Hank busts into the shop and starts gunning down people left and right.
Murder is less scary when it’s done through beaded curtains
Hank shoots Queenie in the stomach and and several other beauty shop patrons before setting his sights on Marie. He shoots her in the arm and has her cornered.
I told you we don’t accept walk-ins!
Queenie crawls over to one of his guns, puts it in her mouth, and blows her brains out, effectively blowing Hank’s brains out. While this is going on, Delphine is watching footage of the Selma riots and tearing up and Queenie doesn’t get to see her FINALLY learn because she’s dead. Or is she? Stop playing with my emotions, Ryan Murphy!
Meanwhile, in case this episode wasn’t dark enough, Luke comes out of his coma… only to be smothered to death by his mother.
If this is supposed to be CPR, you are doing it wrong
We end with Marie, arm bandaged, showing up at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Potential Witch Alliance. Fiona answers the door and wordlessly brings her in.
Wanna give this wacky mismatched roommates thing a go?
Bitch, I already wrote us a theme song.
And that’s it until 2014! Tune in four weeks from now! The covens finally join forces! Matching robes for every witch! And maybe they find that dog?
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i think “taking a wicked neck dump” was my favourite thing to read all week. another fantastic recap chelsea!
“Bitch, I already wrote us a theme song.”
Fiona tempts me to watch this show, but I don’t think I could handle this happening on TV.
Can you imagine those two interviewing for a third roommate? It could be like that scene of “The L Word” with Jenny and Shane only with 300 percent more sass and side eyeing.
“Fiona, I am really fucking sick of your Ax Murdering Ghost Boyfriend here every. damn. night.”
“Well at least he’s not as noisy as your beef cake.”
Can we get a couple of comment awards over here please? You guys are magnificent!
The captions! Like, speaking of national treasures…
This show cannot get any weirder. At least I hope not. Also, totally adding “shoinks” to my vocabulary.
If I could have one wish, it would be that Ryan Murphy would never go near racial issues or disability issues or issues of any kind at all. Really? Footage of the Selma riots alongside a scene of a white man killing a roomful of black women? That is tasteless as fuck.
She’s following Hoobastank on tour. I’m your mother now.
If I had a nickel.
Ryan Murphy is so pretentious you could tell he really though he was saying something with that final sequence. If Glee and this show is how is going to treat black characters and race issues then I wish he would stay as far away from them as possible next season.
That was certainly one of the most insensitive, utterly stupid scenes I’ve watched in a long time. I can’t even fathom how someone would come up with that and then actually make it happen on national television. The whole season has issues with racial issues and respect but really after this episode I don’t think I can watch anymore. It’s ridiculous.
The only way this show could improve is if it ended with a scene of Ryan Murphy duct taped to a chair, eyes propped open Clockwork Orange style, forced to watch his own hideous creation.
what is even happening this plot makes no sense i don’t know how i feel about anything anymore.
mostly i hope queenie is ok.
I have a feeling that Queenie is permanently dead and if so that is going to seriously piss me off since they have brought back literally everyone else no matter how badly they died.
I haven’t watched a single episode of this, but I cannot imagine there is any way it could be more entertaining than these recaps.
Am I wrong in saying neither of the last two seasons were anywhere close to as ridiculous as this one? By the end of this week I was so pissed off/confused about everything.
Without even getting into the overall what-the-fuckness of everything this week…
1.Kyle, what the hell? I thought we were supposed to find him harmless/sympathetic. He lashed out at his mother because of the years of abuse and then was misunderstood and thought of as a monster because he couldn’t articulate what had happened. Then, all of a sudden, he just snaps a dog’s neck and Fiona brings him downstairs to play gin? What even is that?
2.These witch hunt guys make zero sense. It was ridiculous when somebody that dumb was Marie Leveaux’s insider but the idea there is some giant corporation deploying inept morons to kill off witches with a view to, well who the fuck knows what is just pain in the brain levels of dumb. How did they go from being a pre-Salem brotherhood to a corporation? Like what, some guy just decided to get in a tax lawyer and appoint a board of directors to his family murder business??
3.No WAY Crazy Enema Mom is killing the son. Even if he does know she killed his dad. It makes no sense when she has been so obsessively creepily maternal and overbearing all season. Hello! He allowed you to give him a fricking enema because he’d been sinning. I don’t think he’s going to tell on you!
TOTALLY agree w/ #1. That made NO sense for his character.
Can I just say how much I loved Queenie’s t-shirt? I couldn’t stop laughing… until she was shot in the stomach. But I still love that shirt.
Your recaps are brilliantly funny. Thank you! Speaking as an actual descendant of two hanged Salem women (Rebecca Towne Nourse and Mary Towne Eastey–sisters) I do wish they’d get the Salem stuff right, but otherwise I am loving this crazy, sick, completely bewildering season. The Ryan Murphy method seems to be, Avoid such trivialities as plot and substitute with a weekly helping of strange occurrences and bizarre eventualities that eventually collapse under their own weight, creating a dramatic denouement. And give the fabulous Lange, Bates, and Bassett some of the best lines ever heard on television.
I’m reading this whole season as a riff on the fashion world, with Fiona as Anna Wintour, Myrtle as Grace Coddington (she’s dressed and coiffed exactly like her–I have a side-by-side picture to prove it but your site won’t let me post it), Maria as Iman (in competition with Vogue with her new online mag), and the girls as interchangeable, personality-free models who look good but are systemically vacant. LaLurine represents the eternally rapacious industry as a whole, eating its young, and the men are entirely beside the point. Misty Day is the only Real Woman and, despite her obsession with Stevie Nicks and lacy shawls, she’ll triumph. I think it works as a metaphor. What do you think?
OMG I JUST READ THIS AND I COULD NOT POSSIBLY AGREE MORE!!! My mind is blown.
I would also like to posit that the Harmon family members in season one are all metaphors for how Americans treat mental illness, and the Asylum characters are a thinly veiled critique of celebrity obsession and tabloid culture.