Zoe is mowing down zombies left and right, and it’s pretty awesome. More of this, please. Zoe, you are no longer the worst. A giant zombie comes after her just as her chainsaw sputters out. Classic Ryan Murphy move: as soon as a female character gets cool, you cut her off at the knees.
But wait! Zoe puts her hand out, mutters something in Latin, and the zombie collapses! She killed him with magic! Magic that didn’t come from her cooch!
Accio wet wipes!
Zoe’s magic is so powerful it knocks Marie out of the air and onto the floor. Marie senses a crazy strong magic coming from the school. Is Zoe the new Supreme?
Just came
Back at the hospital, Hank rushes in, straight from boning that redhead. Fiona smells bullshit all over him and calls him a loser. Hank says at least he didn’t abandon Cordelia like Fiona did.
I re-gifted your wedding present!
Well the joke’s on you, because I use that pasta maker all the time!
A nurse wanders in and tells them to keep it the fuck down. She then leaves, hopefully to fix the incessantly flickering lights that are about to give me a seizure. Fiona walks away and demands that Hank leave by the time she gets back. Hank tries to comfort Cordelia, but when he touches her hand she immediately gets flashes of him fucking that other girl.
Oh shit
Looks like Cordelia got some new magical powers to compensate for her damaged face.
The next day, Fiona and the girls have a giant zombie corpse bonfire.
For the last time, we are not making smores!
Fiona tells Zoe that she likes a witch who knows how to fight. She compliments Zoe on her newfound badassery. Delphine comes out and commiserates with Fiona about them being terrible mothers. Will their shared tragedy bring them closer? NOPE. Fiona calls her the maid and saunters back inside.
So we’re friends now?
I’m sorry, I’m totally blanking on your name right now
The witch council shows up to see what the fuck happened last night.
Witch council: now with softer focus!
The council accuses Fiona of neglect and malfeasance, what with the zombie attack/missing students/injured daughter. They demand that Fiona resign, but that’s obviously not happening.
The only thing I’m guilty of is being the baddest bitch in this room
Fiona accuses Myrtle of plotting against her and attacking Cordelia. Fiona saw Myrtle in the hospital elevator, and she knew that Myrtle came to New Orleans weeks ago under a fake name.
And you ate everything in the minibar! I checked!
And I ordered all the porn too! Deal with it!
Fiona knows this because she broke into Myrtle’s hotel room and found an angry photo shrine.
Took a photo collage course from “A”
The coup de grace comes when Fiona rips Myrtle’s gloves off, revealing acid burned hands!
These are the cuticles of a murderer! J’accuse!
Myrtle tries to defend herself, but the council quickly sentences her to death. Myrtle tells them she won’t resist the burning; she’s used to being an outcast. She will go proudly into the flame. Well, good luck with that.
I regret nothing…except this haircut
It’s time to burn a witch! Myrtle is dressed in white and is followed by everyone in black, including the black albinos. Hey guys!
We’ve set aside this field of rubble just for you
Why do our field trips always end in murder?
Fiona lights a cigarette and asks if Myrtle has any last words. Myrtle tells everyone they suck/Fiona is going to drag them all to hell/she’d like to thank the academy/can anyone cancel my Netflix account?
Not only are we not cancelling your Netflix, we’re adding 3 discs a month
You are such a cunt
Fiona tosses her cigarette onto the gasoline covered Myrtle and she goes up in flames.
Our second bonfire, and still no smore’s
Fire bad. Fiona pretty.
Goodbye Myrtle. For the next 5 minutes at least.
Back at school, Queenie questions Fiona about framing Myrtle.
This whole murder thing is really starting to get to me
Turns out that Myrtle’s scarred hand was the work of Queenie burning herself! But Queenie is having second thoughts. She didn’t want to see Myrtle go up in flames.
And that’s how you ruin a manicure
Fiona tries to calm her with some sweet talk, and vaguely promises that Queenie could be the rising Supreme. This is not great news, considering the previous rising Supreme is rotting away in an attic right now.
And as a Supreme, your storylines will be a lot less racist!
You really think so?
Nope
Meanwhile, Spalding is just relaxing in his night gown and bonnet, spraying the attic with Lysol.
Lysol: for all your creepy body hoarding needs!
Dude, Lysol is not going to mask the rotting corpse in your trunk! You should know that after 50 years of buttling. Spalding tries to lift Madison’s corpse out of the trunk, but he rips her arm off. True story: I could watch a spinoff show that’s just Spalding in a night gown doing Buster Keaton-style physical comedy with body parts.
Mother is going to be furious when she finds out about this
Meanwhile, back at the burning site, wild dogs are nomming on Myrtle’s charred corpse.
Best opening for an Aerosmith video ever
But guess who shows up? Misty Day, in all her Stevie Nicks glory! Misty holds Myrtle’s head in her hands and works her witchy magic. Myrtle opens her eyes.
Hey girl. Why so crispy?
So let’s look at the scorecard:
Dead babies revived: 1
Dead witches revived: 1
Dead eyeballs/cheek bones revived: 0
NEXT TIME on American Horror Story: Crispy witches hell-bent on vengeance! Rising Supreme misdirects! More corpse tomfoolery in the attic!
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This show is so fucked up, omigod. But that Tanisha video was amazingly integrated, well done!
This season needs more Lily Rabe.
Frankly, all TV shows could use more Lily Rabe.
The world needs more Lily Rabe.
This website needs more Chelsea.
I need more Chelsea.
Recap my life.
The captions, they kill me. Loved the Tanisha video.
I need more Sarah Paulson.
deaaaaaddddddddd (pun totally intended)
so freaking hilarious
Did anyone else think the last “zombie” Zoe killed wasn’t actually a zombie? My friends and I were all like “OMG SHE JUST KILLED A REAL PERSON.”
Not that zombies aren’t real people, but, ya know.
This show is pretty deliberately a comedy at this point, right?
Stevie Nicks for next Supreme please.
Ugh when is Spaulding going to bring Madison back to life, for real? You don’t just kill Emma Roberts 3 episodes into your show.
I really loved Evan Peters in the first two seasons but was pretty relieved at his absence in this episode.
Not nearly enough Angela Bassett, though!
I get worried every week for anyone who’s not in the official opening credits. Fortunately Nan made it through the episode — if they kill off Nan, there’s going to be hell to pay. Jamie Brewer is just a rock star of the highest order. I really find her to be the most compelling presence of the 4 youngsters by a country mile.
Honestly, the real LaLaurie was pretty much that indiscreet, too. Folks just plain old didn’t bat a lash at it, due to, ya know, the rampant racism and sexism that permeated the south during her time (I went to school in Nola and did a bunch of the cool haunted city tours! They don’t actually let people tour her house, sadly. I would have TOTALLY dug that)
Does Nicholas Cage still own it? I know he used to.