American Horror Story 304 Recap: Fearful Pranks Ensue

Welcome to the fourth episode of American Horror Story, the show that teaches us that even creepy butlers and scarecrows need hugs too. It’s the Halloween episode, so let’s see what fresh hell they have for us this week!

This week’s vocabulary word is “grurst.” It’s a combination of “gross” and “worst.”

We open in 1961, where we see a young boy riding his bike down the street.

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Doesn’t realize he’s on a Ryan Murphy show

A car full of racists speeds up behind him. They run after him and corner him in an alley. I think we all know where this is going.

Meanwhile, Marie Laveau is running her shop and talking to her clients. She is rocking a fabulous bouffant and looks stunning as always.

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Resting Bitch Face

She talks to a customer who is sending her son, Henry, to first day of integrated high school at De La Salle. The mom talks about how times are changing, what with Kennedy and astronauts and West Side Story being released.

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And then they start dance-fighting in those tight pants, and you totally see the outline of Bernardo’s nutsack!

Mom has faith in the future, which is especially heartbreaking when we see that future getting lynched by the worst people in the world. Marie and the mom show up at the lynching site, and while the mom wails in anguish, Marie just silently watches.

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Vengeance never looked so good

Back at the salon, Marie rustles up a drummer, a snake, and some chalk and starts voodooing some shit up.

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Must have that drummer on retainer

She guts the snake, there’s a magic card catalogue filled with spells, and she drinks from a mug of fire.

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Chug! Chug! Chug!

Meanwhile, the murdering racists are gathered in a shit shack to celebrate their lynching.

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Grurst! Grurst! Grurst!

Suddenly, a hand rises from a grave.

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Guys, I’m stuck. Guys? Anybody?

Zombies start crawling out of graves and murdering the racists!

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And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver…

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For no mere mortal can resist, the evil of the thriller!

They tear the racists limb from limb, and Marie goes white-eyed like she’s White Willow or something.

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The power to match eye color to clothing is mine!!!

We cut to a room full of creepy porcelain dolls, a grammaphone, and a tiny tea cups.

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This is some creepy shit, but those tiny tea cups are adorable

Hold on to your tiny fucking doll hats, because creepy butler is hosting a straight up tea party in a room full of dolls! I thought I would be shocked, but let’s face it, this is exactly what we all pictured creepy butler doing in his spare time.

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Did anybody bring the mini packets of Splenda?

He hears shouts from downstairs, and wanders down into last week’s episode to see Fiona murder Madison.

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You’ll bottom and you’ll like it!

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Okay, this is exactly what it looks like

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Wait til Miss Flopsy hears about this!

Wrong place, wrong time, creepy butler! Fiona smokes a cigarette and tells him that the coven can’t afford to have a lousy Supreme right now, so he rolls her up in the rug.

That rug really tied the room together

That rug really tied the room together

Creepy butler, whose name we find out is Spalding, pours Fiona a drink.

I'll take a dead witch in a rug on the rocks, please

I’ll take a dead witch in a rug on the rocks, please

Fiona tells Spalding that she enjoys their little talks, especially since he lost his tongue. Backhanded compliment much, Fiona?

creepy blue steel pose

creepy blue steel pose

They hear noises outside, and Fiona goes to the potion room to investigate. She finds broken glass, an overturned table, and a bleeding Queenie.

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Definitely not getting extra credit in Potions

Fiona asks Queenie who hurt her. My money is on the giant fucking minotaur right behind you!

At least I don't have to fight a horny, ugly Minotaur...

At least I don’t have to fight a horny, ugly Minotaur…

He's right behind me, isn't he?

He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

Fiona wakes up Cordelia by telling her that her student has been attacked by a minion of hell. Cordelia quickly gets to work and puts on her nerd glasses and lights a candle.

It's okay, I was an RA in college, I'm prepared for anything!

It’s okay, I was an RA in college, I’m prepared for anything!

Fiona and Cordelia agree that this is some dark voodoo, courtesy of Marie Laveau. I mean, she’s the only other powerful witch in New Orleans so it’s not that hard to figure out, but whatever.

Waking up with perfectly styled layers; the work of the devil

Waking up with perfectly styled layers; the work of the devil

Cordelia blames Fiona for provoking Marie and denying her a voodoo baby. Fiona tells her that she went there to show strength, but that Cordelia undermined her by showing weakness and pain. You know, classic mother-daughter conflict. It’s just like the fights I have with my mother, only replace “voodoo” and “dying witch” with “midnight texts asking me how to program the DVR.”

Queenie stops breathing, so Fiona breathes life back into her mouth. Queenie is revived and everyone is going to shut the hell up about it, because the council showing up.

Ugh, just make out already

Ugh, just make out already

Fiona goes to her room, exhausted after a long day of witch/minotaur slaying and mouth to mouth. She tells Delphine to get out of her closet, which is hilarious because GAY JOKES.

Look, I just killed a minotaur, can we save this sexual identity crisis for tomorrow?

Look, I just killed a minotaur, can we save this sexual identity crisis for tomorrow?

Does it get better?

Does it get better?

Not on this fucking show

Not on this fucking show

Delphine tells Fiona that Queenie saved her life (teachable moment!) and she’s scared the minotaur will return. Fiona tells her to go sleep, the minotaur has been handled.

Meanwhile, at Marie’s salon, Marie is doing Cora’s hair (who I believe was the mom in the flashback but I wasn’t paying enough attention). Cora is going to a Halloween ball at the governor’s mansion, and she needs to get her hair done because “if the hair is nappy, white people ain’t happy!”

And Asian people are fucking furious! LOLOL HAIR!

And Asian people are fucking furious! LOLOL HAIR!

Cora offers to pay but Marie refuses her money. I love how no one in this salon questions that Marie never ages/is a voodoo priestess. It’s just business as usual.

Can I interest you in a snake blood facial? How about some ambient drumming?

Can I interest you in a snake blood facial? How about some ambient drumming?

A giant box gets delivered, and it’s definitely not got a severed minotaur head inside.

What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?

What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?

PSYCH! That’s exactly what it is. The minotaur head blinks up at her and Marie screams.

Step One, cut a whole in a box. Two, put your minotaur head in a box...

Step One, cut a whole in a box. Two, put your minotaur head in a box…

Meanwhile, back at the house that incest built, FrankenKyle is beating his bloody head against a sink. Zoe tries to clean him with a wash cloth.

I know how you feel, I'm sick of this storyline too

I know how you feel, I’m sick of this storyline too

I love it in horror movies when people are covered head to toe in blood and someone gives them a hand towel. Um, you’re gonna need an industrial hose, guys.

Sorry I tore you out of Heaven, stitched you to some rapists, and delivered you to your rapist's doorstep. Totally my bad.

Sorry I tore you out of Heaven, stitched you to some rapists, and delivered you to your rapist’s doorstep. Totally my bad.

Zoe apologizes to FrankenKyle, and asks him if he’s hungry. BECAUSE THAT’S OBVIOUSLY WHAT HE’S UPSET ABOUT, ZOE. This girl is the grurst. She goes downstairs to make him some tuna salad (gross) when she spots some rat poison. Maybe she should put FrankenKyle out of his frankenmisery.

Well, Miss Fiona told me that there's no problem that can't be solved by murder

Well, Miss Fiona told me that there’s no problem that can’t be solved by murder

Zoe goes to feed FrankenKyle, but he’s gone! She rushes outside to see people in their Halloween costumes. She’ll obviously never be able to track down a blood-covered piñata of a man in the midst of all these children in plastic Avengers costumes!

I looked in three directions; he's gone forever

I looked in three directions; he’s gone forever

There are literally three people on the street, and they are all black children. Try harder, Zoe. Try harder.

Meanwhile, at Miss Robichaux’s School for Sexual Experimentation (aka Wellesley study abroad program) Fiona tells Delphine to come do her… zipper on her dress. It’s Halloween, her favorite day!

Our fanfic dreams are finally coming true! Nope nope nope

Our fanfic dreams are finally coming true! Nope nope nope

Delphine is less enthused about the holiday, telling Fiona that evil spirits will walk the earth, the dead will rise, Time Warner cable will go out, etc. For a mass murderer, Delphine sure is a nervous nelly.

Also, all the good candy was sold out so I got Whatchamacalits and Mounds

Also, all the good candy was sold out so I got Whatchamacalits and Mounds

Fiona rolls her eyes and tells her that nowadays Halloween is just candy, slutty costumes, and casual racism. She should feel right at home. Fiona puts on her witch hat, and proclaims herself the baddest witch in town. She is not wrong, y’all.

It takes a lot of corpses in rugs to look this good

It takes a lot of corpses in rugs to look this good

Shantay, you stay...in my closet

Shantay, you stay…in my closet

Meanwhile, a furious Marie is getting a serious spell going: drums, snakes, goats, skulls, chalk, the works. Her friend/co-worker Chantal is concerned that Marie might be starting a magic race war.

Look, I know you loved the minotaur, but he was shedding EVERYWHERE

Look, I know you loved the minotaur, but he was shedding EVERYWHERE

I didn't complain when you got that cat!

I didn’t complain when you got that cat!

The minotaur ate my cat but, you know what, we're getting off topic

The minotaur ate my cat but, you know what, we’re getting off topic

Marie’s friend reminds her that Marie was a peacemaker back in the day. In the 70′s, she sat down with Anna-Lee to declare a truce and split up territories. Marie also rocked an amazing Angela Davis afro. Angela Bassett’s wig budget must be out of control.

So it's agreed, neither of us want Kenner.

So it’s agreed, neither of us want Kenner.

Marie tells Chantal that the truce is over, and it’s fight or die time. You’re either with Marie or against her. Chantal wisely knows better than to tangle with Marie, and stays out of her way.

I bet you’re wondering what Cordelia’s husband is up to. No? Too bad. Cordelia is talking to him on the phone while he’s in Baton Rouge on a business trip. Or so she thinks. He’s really in Baton Rouge to have rough, bed-breaking sex with Alexandra Breckinridge.

Hi, I'm here for the adultery?

Hi, I’m here for the adultery?

Come on in!

Come on in!

There are hairy butts and sweaty pounding and it’s all pretty off-putting. I liked Alexandra better in season one, when she wore slutty maid outfits and grinded (ground?) all over Mena Suvari.

Just found out there's no gay characters in this season

Just found out there’s no gay characters in this season

After sex, they talk about Halloween, because this is the Halloween episode, remember? She loves to dress up. Husband is not a big fan, although he was a monster last year. This is boring.

Back at school, poor Cordelia takes care of Queenie, who is still on bed rest. Delphine watches. Queenie wakes with a start, and Delphine thanks her for saving her life.

So we good, right?

So we good, right?

Not even close.

Not even close.

Nana rushes in with news: the council is here! And they are dressed like Lady Gaga backup dancers.

Gaga, ooh lala. Want your bad romance

Gaga, ooh lala. Want your bad romance

Witch Council Assemble!

Witch Council Assemble!

The council consists of Quentin, Pembroke, and Myrtle Snow (yay! Frances Conroy is back!) Cordelia assumes they are there to discuss Queenie’s assault, but they’re not. Cordelia then starts rattling off all the crazy shit that’s happened in the past couple of days, horrifying the council.

I may have started a magic race war, lost my students, wore blackface for Halloween, charge porn to the council credit card…why, what else did you hear?

I may have started a magic race war, lost my students, wore blackface for Halloween, charge porn to the council credit card… why, what else did you hear?

Fiona shows up and tells Cordelia to shut her mouth before she confesses to using magic to cheat on the SATs. Fiona then starts to charm to council. Apparently, Fiona made Quentin’s book a bestseller and she probably banged Pembroke, judging from the abundance of eye-sex.

Not scared of any of you bitches

Not scared of any of you bitches

Myrtle Snow, however, is having none of it. She tells Fiona that Nan summoned them, as she can no longer hear Madison’s thoughts and rightly assumes she’s dead.

Also, the rug is missing

Also, the rug is missing

Did not come here for home decor

Did not come here for home decor

Meanwhile, Spalding makes a giant scarecrow on the front lawn, and then hugs it.

Hold me closer, giant scarecrow

Hold me closer, giant scarecrow

The official inquiry has begun, and the council is interviewing everyone at the school. Cordelia is especially under investigation, as the students are her responsibility/she only has four of them, etc. If a witch kills another witch, the penalty is death by fire.

What classes are your students taking?

What classes are your students taking?

Classes? Oh shit, I forgot this was a school.

Classes? Oh shit, I forgot this was a school.

Cordelia claims that Madison is a special case, what with her being famous and all.

Tell me about Madison Montgomery

Tell me about Madison Montgomery

She met John Stamos on a plane, and he told her she was pretty.

She met John Stamos on a plane, and he told her she was pretty.

The council interviews Zoe, asking if she thinks Madison is a powerful witch. Zoe says that she was very charismatic, and that she played twins in The Parent Trap, which is not easy.

And then she played Jamie-Lee Curtis, and she was only a kid!

And then she played Jamie-Lee Curtis, and she was only a kid!

Queenie tells the council that Madison was a stone cold bitch, who liked “hard drinking, big dicks, and trouble.” Who doesn’t, am I right ladies? (*jumps out of window after 50th iteration of this joke). She also says she probably died giving the grim reaper a handy, which is all kinds of hilarious.

But did she fist the grim reaper? Because we did. It was boney.

But did she fist the grim reaper? Because we did. It was boney.

The council asks Cordelia if she saw Madison manifesting any new powers, but Cordelia didn’t notice. She does, however, notice that her rug is missing. Way to be perceptive.

Who peed on my rug?

Who peed on my rug?

Nan, carving a pumpkin, tells the council about Madison setting those curtains on fire. Who else knew about Madison’s powers?

What are you carving, little girl?

What are you carving, little girl?

A medically accurate rendering of a vagina

A medically accurate rendering of a vagina

Scandalamity!

Meanwhile, back in a Baton Rouge hotel room, Hank and Kaylee are eating vending machine food and having a whole conversation about it. And then the best part: they met in an online community for people who collect Thomas Kinkade paintings! Apparently shitty hotel art is a gateway drug to adultery.

This boner is brought to you by "Cottage in Winter".

This boner is brought to you by “Cottage in Winter”.

Welcome to your new OKCupid!

Kaylee is falling for Hank, and tells him not to break her heart. Instead, he takes out a gun and shoots her in the head. What the fuck is going on? Only a Ryan Murphy could integrate microwave burritos, the painter of light, and cold-blooded murder into the same scene.

Meanwhile at Witch Court, Fiona is being cross-examined the council.

Spalding's second tea party of the day

Spalding’s second tea party of the day

Myrtle insults Fiona by saying she was a crappy Supreme. She misses meetings, avoids councils duties, and always skips witch jury duty.

And you never bring snacks when it's your turn!

And you never bring snacks when it’s your turn!

But what about in '92 when I brought that Crystal Pepsi? You're welcome, by the way.

But what about in ’92 when I brought that Crystal Pepsi? You’re welcome, by the way.

Myrtle reminds Fiona that there is more to being a Supreme than jetsetting across the globe and being professionally fabulous. This is also not the first time that Fiona has been at Miss Robichaux’s when a witch has gone missing.

We flashback to 1971, where Young Fiona is sobbing it up in front of the council. She claims that Anna-Lee has run off somewhere, when we know full well she’s wrapped in a rug and buried in the backyard.

First they took the Supreme, then they stole our rug!

First they took the Supreme, then they stole our rug!

These are our concerned faces.

These are our concerned faces.

The council hosts a party naming Young Fiona as the next Supreme.

And this year's Spring Fling queen is, Fiona Goode!

And this year’s Spring Fling queen is, Fiona Goode!

Let's get this key party started!

Let’s get this key party started!

In the corner, Young Myrtle seethes. Apparently she’s not buying Fiona’s bullshit, and knows she’s getting away with murder. Young Fiona, in full mean girl mode, calls Young Myrtle “dogface”, which is ridiculous because Young Myrtle is hot.

If you like nerdy redheads, you're gonna love Young Myrtle

If you like nerdy redheads, you’re gonna love Young Myrtle

Apparently Young Myrtle’s witch power is honesty/protecting the truth. She works her nerdy magic to enchant Young Spalding’s tongue to only tell the truth. The council is interviewing him tomorrow, and since he is slavishly devoted to Fiona, he must know something.

Watch me take this bitch down!

Watch me take this bitch down!

Already several gross steps ahead of you, Red

Already several gross steps ahead of you, Red

The students are woken up in the middle of the night by the sounds of screaming. They find Young Spalding in the bathroom with his tongue cut out. There goes that plan.

Admit it, you're already shipping us together.

Admit it, you’re already shipping us together.

How dare yo—yes, yes I am.

How dare yo—yes, yes I am.

Back to the present, where Myrtle isn’t about to let Fiona get the better of her this time. She’s got a book of matches with Fiona’s name on it. Myrtle calls Spalding as a witness, and starts interrogating him. She gives him a piece of paper and a pen to write down the name of the witch who cut out his tongue. She maybe should have thought of this like, 40 years ago, but whatever.

No peeking at my answers!

No peeking at my answers!

Desperately wishing the butler is illiterate

Desperately wishing the butler is illiterate

Spalding takes the pen and writes down… Myrtle Snow! Myrtle promptly freaks the fuck out.

I have two beautiful witches standing before me, but I only have one photo in my hand.

I have two beautiful witches standing before me, but I only have one photo in my hand.

We flashback to Spalding overhearing Myrtle’s plan at dinner. He goes to the bathroom and prepares to cut out his own tongue.

I'm here to audition for the role of Sweeney Todd

I’m here to audition for the role of Sweeney Todd

Young Fiona shows up. Spalding finally speaks! He uses his final words to tell Fiona that he has always loved her, and promptly cuts off his own tongue.

I'm just not that into you.

I’m just not that into you.

And you couldn't have said that before I cut my tongue off?

And you couldn’t have said that before I cut my tongue off?

Flashback to the present, where Myrtle is having a meltdown. She knows that Fiona killed Madison because she was the rising Supreme, just like she killed Anna-Lee when she was the retiring Supreme.

We were all rooting for you! How dare you!

We were all rooting for you! How dare you!

Cordelia jumps to Fiona’s defense. She says that Madison was never the next Supreme: the Supremes are always healthy, and Madison had a heart condition. We know this because Cordelia happens to wander in on Madison using a blood pressure cuff thingy.

Wanna play doctor?

Wanna play doctor?

Only if we do it Obamacare-style!

Only if we do it Obamacare-style!

Fiona and Spalding share an “oh shit” look.

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What a waste… I loved that rug.

Meanwhile, Marie is casting all of the voodoo with all of the props. I would love to know how much money this show spends on snakes, drummers, and chalk.

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Seriously, Marie goes through like, 30 snakes a day. Someone call PETA.

Marie is using the same spell she used earlier, and zombies start popping out of graves. I wonder who they’re off to kill?

Meanwhile, Delphine is giving out candy to little kids and trying to get the hang of this newfangled holiday.

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They took the last fucking KitKat. I hate children.

Nan lights a candle for Madison, and Zoe accuses her of being morbid. Zoe wants to go looking for Madison, as she’s the only person in the house who still thinks she’s alive.

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Why won’t you come with me? It’s the hat, isn’t it?

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That’s the ugliest effing hat I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, Spalding sets out Halloween candy for his creepy doll family and puts on an old timey bonnet and nightgown.

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OMG Vintage still with the tags on!

He also takes out a lacey white dress and lays it beside the latest addition to his doll collection: Madison’s corpse. GROSS. This tea party just hit a whole new level of grurst.

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Fashion show!

Fiona and Cordelia go out for a drink to celebrate not going to witch jail. Cordelia wants to play three questions with her mother.

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How do you stay so young?

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A combination of pilates and murdering people

The first is, why does she hate Hank? Fiona tells her that he reeks of bullshit, and rightly so. She then lies to Cordelia about killing Madison, and tries to find out who the rising Supreme is. Cordelia is too drunk to tell her, and stumbles off to puke before she can give Fiona any info.

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Surprising no one, Cordelia is a lightweight

After puking, Cordelia is washing her hands at the sink when a figure in black tosses acid into her face. NO! Not her beautiful flawless face! Goddammit, show.

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Did you just pee in a mason jar?

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Not my flawless cheekbones!

Back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Juvenile Delinquents, Shirtless Neighbor shows up with cookies for Nan. That’s nice, I guess.

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Are you into this plot line?

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Fuck no!

There’s more banging at the door. Delphine assumes it’s more trick-or-treaters, but she’s shocked when she opens the door to see her three zombie daughters! Zombie family reunion!

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Been waiting for you to pick us up from soccer practice for 200 years!

Just fear-pooped

Just fear-pooped

They are joined by several other zombies converging on the school. It’s a zombie attack cliffhanger!

They did the monster mash!

They did the monster mash!

NEXT time on American Horror Story: Zombie attack! Cordelia’s scarred face! Someone gets burned at the stake!

Avatar of Chelsea

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

Chelsea has written 42 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    This season isn’t scaring the ever loving shit out of me like Season 1 (Rubber man, no no no no no) or Season 2-which was a particular melange of all of the things that actually terrify me (aliens, demons, serial killers, not realizing you have a mental illness, conversion therapy, unethical medical meddling, just to name a few) all in one convenient place. But I watched it anyway because hot, badass lesbian. So, touché AHS, touché.

    But like I said, Season 3, not scary. Just kind of the grossest/worst or as you put it, the gurst. :( One thing that isn’t the gurst? Dat fashion. OMG seriously who is doing the wardrobe for Coven and will she marry me????

    I’m loving all of the black, black lace, black and white, everything they have Sarah Paulson/Jessica Lange wearing, and omggg Angela Bassett (!!!). Thank you for pointing out her amazing all of the hairstyles. I have to disagree with you though and say that I really dig the hat choice for Taissa Farmiga. I’m not sure it works irl but in the show it’s just so perfect. For all the characters they are really getting that powerful and beautiful, clean cut but creepy look across and I’m totally into it.

    So I’ll continue to watch and deal with the feels caused by the gurst things for the fashion and Angela Basset and to see if the prediction that Misty is a big ‘ol lezzie come true *crosses fingers* and lastly the lulz.

  2. Thumb up 0

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    “Does it get better? Not on this fucking show”. Hahaha! Too damn true.

    I’m loving this season more for the reason that you can tell just how much fun these ladies (Lange, Bates, Basset…) are having playing these roles and it clearly shows in their performances. Makes it worth watching.

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    seriously, seriously, i don’t think i can keep watching this show, it seems pretty blatantly, disturbingly, trollingly racist at this point. The first two seasons there was only that once black cop who had about 4 minutes of screen time, now he’s switched to black bodies mostly in cages being mutilated and dancing around drumming doing magic rituals? wth

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