American Horror Story 303 Recap: The Replacements

Welcome to the third episode of American Horror Story, the show for all your minotaur sexin’ needs!

I feel like this show is so next level crazy, there does not exist sufficient vocabulary to describe it. So I’m just going to start making up words. Cool? Cool.

This week’s word is: Ughpsetting. It’s the combination of “ugh” and “upsetting.” Embrace it.

We open in Fiona’s bedroom, where the Supreme is tossing and turning.

Dreaming about A-Camp

Dreaming about A-Camp

Fiona goes downstairs for a drink and some pills when she has a flashback to 1971. We see Young Fiona drinking in the parlor room, where she is busted by then Supreme Anna-Lee. Anna-Lee wonders why Fiona isn’t burning her bra with the rest of the witches, because it’s the 1970’s and that shit is happening everywhere.

“Are you kidding? Nobody burns Agent Provacateur”

“And you always hand wash it. I’ve taught you well”

We find out that Young Fiona is the rising Supreme, and her powers are already manifesting. To be named the new Supreme, she must perform the seven wonders for the Council. I assume this includes a flute solo, a hula hoop contest, and some freestyle breakdancing.

“So, tell me about your talent portion”

 

“I’m doing stand-up comedy. What’s the deal with men leaving the toilet seat up, am I right Ladies?”

 

“I hate it”

They also talk about how witches manifest their powers when they “flower”, which is my least favorite metaphor for women’s developing bodies ever. Basically, the rising Supreme sucks the life force out of the older Supreme, eventually overtaking her powers and the old Supreme dies. Young Fiona is ready to ascend the throne, but Anna-Lee isn’t giving up without a fight. She slaps her across the face and calls her a “vicious little gash,” which might be my new favorite insult.

“Well the joke’s on you, because my gash is huge!”

Anna-Lee has seen the future, and that future holds Fiona being a shitty Supreme. Anna-Lee plans to stay on the throne for as long as possible, but that turns out to be only a few seconds, as Young Fiona pulls out a knife and slits her throat.

“Working those cheekbones even after a murder”

The only witness to the crime? Young Creepy Butler!

“Should have taken that job at the Eastland School instead “

We flash back to the present, where Fiona looks at the portrait of Anna-Lee hanging on the wall. She is watched by Creepy Butler, silent as always.

“Fetch me another whiskey!”

 

“This kind of thing never happens to Mr. Belvedere”

Fiona looks at him and says, “cat got your tongue”, so I think it’s safe to assume that something terrible happened to Creepy Butler’s tongue that’s kept him silent all these years.

We follow Fiona to a jazz club, where she talks in voice-over about her glory days. Fiona reminisces about dancing with every kind of man, but she was always the lead. Sounds like someone is a top.

Cruising

Cruising

She laments that it used to be all fun and games and casual banging, but in her later years it’s just Donna Summer’s “Last Dance” on repeat. Fiona is ignored at the bar, which is crazypants because she’s Jessica Lange.

She goes to see a plastic surgeon, who shows her a video of a face-lift. Fiona wants to know exactly what she’s in for, and by the look on her face it’s obviously not pretty.

Never saw an episode of Nip/Tuck

Never saw an episode of Nip/Tuck

Zoe goes to visit FrankenKyle’s mother, who is mourning the loss of her son by smoking his last stash.

You wanna get high?

You wanna get high?

 

No thanks. I'm high on life.

No thanks. I’m high on life.

Mrs. FrankenKyle tells Zoe that Kyle became the man of the house after his father left, and took care of the family. Zoe nods like she knew the guy for more than five minutes. Turns out Mrs. FrankenKyle just wanted to say goodbye to her boy. I think we know where this is going…


 

Meanwhile at Witch Academy Prep School for the Performing Arts, Queenie, Nan and Madison watch the new neighbors move in next door. They are mainly watching the hunky young shirtless guy unloading boxes.

Flash us your dick and we'll throw you some beads!

Flash us your dick and we’ll throw you some beads!

 

But it's already Lent

But it’s already Lent

Shirtless’s mom shows up, and it’s Broadway diva Patti LuPone! She tell Shirtless to put a shirt on for modesty/Jesus/etc, so we know she’ll get along great with the witches next door.

My Jesus sense is tingling…

My Jesus sense is tingling…

Inside, Delphine LaLaurie is watching Obama on TV and weeping hysterically, what with the black president of it all. This is pretty hilarious, actually.

Had her heart set on Ron Paul

Had her heart set on Ron Paul

Fiona is in no mood for 200 year old racist panic (or for explaining what a television is) and tells Delphine that the world has changed.

"There's this thing called the Tea Party you might be interested in"

“There’s this thing called the Tea Party you might be interested in”

"I hate tea parties!"

“I hate tea parties!”

Delphine then hisses “Liiiieeeessss” like she’s speaking Parsel-tongue. Have I mentioned how hard K. Bates is killing it on this show? So fucking hard.

Fiona then tosses her a maid’s uniform and tells her she’ll be working as a servant. Delphine freaks the fuck out about it, but agrees when she realizes it’s this or it’s back in the coffin.

"Fine, but next year we are doing a couples costume!"

“Fine, but next year we are doing a couples costume!”

It’s lunchtime, and the girls are gossiping about the hot new neighbor. Nan brags about hooking up all the time, while Queenie is saving herself for someone special.

One more round of the Electric Slide and then we'll eat

One more round of the Electric Slide and then we’ll eat

Delphine, decked out in her maid’s uniform, wheels out lunch. Surely no one will recognize her in this cunning disguise.

Good afternoon, ladies I have definitely not assaulted before

Good afternoon, ladies I have definitely not assaulted before

JK, Queenie immediately calls her out as the bitch who clubbed her with a candelabra.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Play it cool, play it cool, NEGROES! Dammit…

Play it cool, play it cool, dammit…

Queenie threatens to Frisbee her plate right into Delphine’s face, a scene I would love to watch. Delphine refuses to serve Queenie because racism, and just when Queenie is about to slap the shit out of her, Fiona arrives.

I knew I should have given you glasses and a wig!

I knew I should have given you glasses and a wig!

Just pooped

Just pooped

As punishment for being basically the worst person who ever lived, Fiona makes Delphine Queenie’s personal slave. This will be fun to watch.


 

Meanwhile, in the swamp shack, FrankenKyle and Misty are cuddling and listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Both would rather be cuddling with Zoe.

Both would rather be cuddling with Zoe.

Misty feels lonely, and tells FrankenKyle that you can’t be your best self until you find your tribe. Sounds like someone’s been watching Orange is the New Black. Zoe arrives, and Misty is super excited to show off Kyle’s newly healed body.

All it took was some mud, alligator juice, and a bucket of ProActiv!

“All it took was some mud, alligator juice, and a bucket of ProActiv!”

But he's still a guy, so…

“But he’s still a guy, so…”

That's what I wanted.

“That’s what I wanted.”

Yeah, totally, me too.

“Yeah, totally, me too.”

FrankenKyle’s body may be healed, but he is still mute and paws at Zoe like a sad shelter dog. Zoe, who is full of good ideas today, wants to take him back to his mother in the hopes of rebooting his brain.

Misty gets super possessive and doesn’t want either of them to leave. Zoe literally drags FrankenKyle’s body out of the shack and promises Misty she’ll come back.

No one ever brings me on field trips!

No one ever brings me on field trips!

Jesus Zoe, at least take her with you. If only to help drag around FrankenKyle, or tape him to a dolly or something. They leave Misty to cry and spin around.

I'm not the gal you're taking home, oo oo. I keep dancing on my own

I’m not the gal you’re taking home, oo oo. I keep dancing on my own


 

Nan and Madison welcome Shirtless to the neighborhood. Nan brought a cake, and Madison brought a skin-tight dress.

Cake and cleavage welcoming committee

Cake and cleavage welcoming committee

Who's at the door? This potato head

Who’s at the door? This potato head

Turns out Shirtless’s name is Luke, and he is dumber than a bag of hair.

Let's get this three-way started!

Let’s get this three-way started!

Nan has used her psychic powers to figure out Luke’s favorite cake. Madison takes the classy road, and basically demands that he take his pants off.

I have a slice of something else you might like. It's my vagina.

I have a slice of something else you might like. It’s my vagina.

They are interrupted by Joan aka Patti LuPone, who smells witchy seduction a mile away. She is not amused by Madison’s attempts to deflower her son. She’s also not amused by Madison calling her religion bullshit.

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Some Trashy Bitch!

It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Some Trashy Bitch!

She tries to pry the cake knife out of Madison’s hands, but Madison uses her witchy powers to zing that knife into the wall!

So I guess we're not having cake?

So I guess we’re not having cake?

That was an eggshell finish!

That was an eggshell finish!

Joan bans the witches from her house, which sucks for poor Nan who just brought a cake and didn’t blaspheme or anything. As they walk out, Madison sets the curtains on fire with her mind. Someone is developing some serious mojo.

It's a FIRE….sale

It’s a FIRE….sale


 

Cordelia sits in a doctor’s office. Her spell didn’t take, and she can’t conceive a child.

But we had snakes and a ring of fire and everything!

But we had snakes and a ring of fire and everything!

In another doctor’s office, Fiona finds out that she can’t get a face lift. She’s dying.

So is a chemical peel completely out of the question?

So is a chemical peel completely out of the question?

Zoe drives a still dazed FrankenKyle to his house. Will seeing Mrs. FrankenKyle bring him back to life? Maybe. Will it scare the shit out of his mother? Most definitely.

We'll traumatize your mom and then get ice cream, okay?

We’ll traumatize your mom and then get ice cream, okay?

Zoe drags FrankenKyle up the steps and dumps him on the front door like a flaming bag of dog shit. She then rings the doorbell and runs away.

Best. Prank. Ever.

Best. Prank. Ever.

It’s like Ding Dong Ditch, only with the desecrated corpse of your loved one! Zoe hides behind a tree and watches like a creepster.

Just made a huge mistake

Just made a huge mistake

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

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12 Comments

    • Thumb up 1

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      Yes, I can’t tell you how much I love that a legit horror television show is on that isn’t centering around vampires or werewolves. However, as much as I like the show, certain elements can be a bit too much, you know?

  1. Thumb up 2

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    “Marie, you said I wouldn’t be the only white person here.”
    “I lied.”
    And I died.

    But yeah, my response to Queenie x Minotaur (+ other horror) was just that. I think I may have actually said “oh Ryan Murphy why?” after that scene. Ughpsetting, indeed.

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    Honestly, I thought the Queenie/Minotaur scene was fairly well-done, but I had a completely different interpretation of it than it appears anyone else did. I saw this scene as a sad exploration of a girl who views herself as an outsider that no-one wants, offering herself up to another perceived outcast. As a woman who is very different herself (autistic, bizarre interests, unusual-looking), I am probably projecting my own emotions onto Queenie, but I completely understand the feeling that no-one will ever want you unless they are as weird or different as you. This being said, I think that a character as damaged as Queenie, who has received only negative reinforcement, would certainly identify with a character like the Minotaur, and think herself deserving of love only from one as “monstrous” as he.

    Also, I perceived this exchange differently from other viewers, I think. I thought Queenie was voodoo-ing the Minotaur, trying to get him aroused, to get him to stop going all murderous on everyone, while at the same time showing him that she doesn’t think he’s a monster.

    HOWEVER, this is all coming from a teratophiliac, so I may be biased. After all, I always have stopped “Beauty and the Beast” before the Beast transformed back into a human.

    Either way, I will continue to watch this show because Jessica Lange is insanely foxy and fabulous, and Patti Lupone is forever my hero. Also, am I the only one who thinks Gabourey Sidibe looks incredibly hot (if under-utilized and horrifically stereotyped) in this show?

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      Yea, I’m really over Queenie being the fat, food-loving, beast-fucking, black girl BUT, I also feel the same you, Sarah Marae. She seems like the only one who wants to connect on a common level, even sexually, with a fellow outsider. I can’t quite shake the feeling of straight-up racism (Queenie=beast, Minataur=beast), so I hope Murphy explains all this is very good fucking detail in upcoming episodes.

      Also, Kyle being sexually abused by his mother… I feel so bad and awful and yucky and am also happy that he killed her the way he did. Howeverrrr, is anyone sensing that the parallel/irony that Madison isn’t able to speak about her abuse and Frankenkyle, silent body of rapists, gets to assert his own autonomy with the source? Is that a good thing? I kind of feel like there was some inadvertent justice with all this…

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    Dammit AHS, why do you have to be so effing problematic??? I want to like this season, and there are elements that are obviously awesome but seriously. Driving me crazy.

    The Queenie situation is exhausting. Why is she the virgin nobody wants? Why is she the one that works in the fried chicken place? When she is told to order Cathy Bates around like a slave, why is she shown at the table demanding pie and cobbler at all hours of the night? Why does Queenie have to have a lack of love in her relationships which she substitutes with food? Why is it necessary? Every emaciated woman we see on TV (which is practically every woman) doesn’t have a scene where she explains it is because of an eating disorder brought on by childhood abuse and media brainwashing. It would be considered boring and reductive to make those assumptions about all thin women, but it is totally legitimate to pathologize fatness as something there must be a root cause for. Fuck you and your body shaming Ryan Murphy.

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