–

Hello PALM SPRINGS! Welcome to the best coverage of Dinah Shore Weekend you will find anywhere on the interwebs. Bookmark this page, ’cause this’ll be the hot spot for up-to-the-minute iPhone photos, transcribed tweets, invented happenings and cut-and-pasted emails from A;ex, our designer, who is being such a sport and covering Dinah Shore for us! In exchange for her services, I made the graphic for her. It’s really good, right? Read more about this coverage mission in our pre-Dinah post, featuring DS ’08 photos from our amazing photoblogger Robin Roemer.

I’m your host, Riese, who will be the “go-between” for this terrifically entertaining adventure. I’m actually in Ohio for somewhat less exciting reasons than a nonstop girl party, but living vicariously through A;ex will do.

All times are Pacific Standard Time, obvs.

Sunday April 5th:

3:08 A.M.

Alex, via email: “Top five feelings: Drunk, Dancing, Lady GaGa, Women, Gay, Riese, Drunk, Dancing, Gaga, Etc.”

Alex often has trouble using actual gerunds to describe her feelings [usually we get “dancing” and “RuPaul” though occasionally “hunger” finds its way into the emotional mix], but on very special nights, Alex has trouble with the “top five” part.

But you know, Dinah Shore is a very very special event.

2:50 A.M.

Alex reports meeting Brittany from Tila Tequila —

Alex: “This isn’t a pick up line … but … do I know you? Where are you from?”
Girl: “I’m from San Diego.”
Alex: “Deerrr I don’t know you.”
Girl: “Have you ever seen Tila Tequila?”
Alex: “HAVE I EVER!

Alex adds: “I shoud;ve [sic] got her contact info for an autostraddle interview but I’m a fucking idiot.”

1:19 AM.

Riese: “Is Lady GaGa your new number one feeling or does RuPaul have it on lockdown?”
A;ex: “GaGa. Hands down. I’m even more in love than before.”

1:03 AM.

Alex: “And we’re done. Fucking orgasm. I can’t breathe srsly.”

12:48 AM: Lady GaGa has significant quadriceps, significant dance dance revolution, significant Britney Fuck-Me [or Amy] boots:

12:34 AM: Lady GaGa is rocket science, but with a thump thump thump dance beat that makes the ladies move their feet. Call me Dr. Suessbian.

12: 27 AM: “I’m gonna go backstage and take off my clothes now.” (Lady Gaga)

12:14 A.M.: For me, “poker face” means steely eyeballs and a quick slight of palm. For Lady GaGa, “Poker Face” means covering your whole body in big bubbles. This concert would appear to be totally fucking awesome, or possibly inspired by the Journey into the Imagination ride at Epcot Center:

“You know what this song is really about?
While I was having sex with this guy, I used to think about women.”

-Lady Gaga, talking about ‘Poker Face’

12:12 A.M.: Hey Lady GaGa you must be wearing rocket pants because your legs are out of this world! Lady GaGa and her special dance team prepare for takeoff.

Saturday April 4th:

11:57 P.M.: A;ex just sent me the same photo of Lady GaGa twice. That’s cool. It’s like Doublemint gum [double the pleasure, subsequently double the fun]. So anyway, about me? Today at my Grandparents’ 60th Anniversary Party in Clinton County Ohio we were talking about the time my Grandpa fell asleep at the Goo Goo Dolls concert at the Ohio State Fair. I just thought about that because Goo Goo reminds me of GaGa, except that Lady GaGa is much better than the GooGoo Dolls. Now I’m thinking about babies, and baby noises, probs ’cause of all the lesbians. Where’s Papi? More importantly … where’s my funny bone?

11:56 P.M. ZOMG LADY GAGA IS SO CLOSE TO A;EX YOU COULD LICK THE BISEXUAL SWEAT FROM HER TIGHT LITTLE THIGHS! And it would appear some heavily wrist-banded young homosexuals are attempting to do just that.

11:48 P.M. This is a giant video screen starring Lady GaGa, she’s like, Ladies, Pepsi is the taste of a new generation, spread your legs. I bet A;ex’s little face is really happy. Word has it she “braves pushy assholes” to get thisclose to her new wife! domestic partner!

11: 40 P.M.: This is allegedly a fashion show.

11:38 P.M.:

@a_ex: “OMG gaga will take the stage any min. I’ve braves pushy assholes to get this close. Ready?”

11:31 P.M.: Dawn Debo and Her Lover Cindi have taken the stage. She-Bitches.

11: 10 P.M.: I’m listening to Lady GaGa, assume A;ex is still drunk. I asked if she got a good view this time and she said “you’ll see.” I didn’t know that the chick who seduced the teacher in Loving Annabelle was at Dinah Shore. I just read it on the ALL CAPS Club Skirts website. I saw that movie on teevee the other night, it was pretty hot. If I’d known that girl was gonna be there, I’d obviously also be there. Hey-yay-hey-yay–hey-ay. Natalie just showed me a picture of Tila Tequila in her underwear outside a nightclub. She got lost I guess.

10: 39 P.M.:

@a_ex “Drunk. I’m here at the front of the stage waiting for gaga to come on and seduce me with her sequins. So soon!!”

10:32 P.M. A;ex reports she is “still drunk.” That probably looks something like this: [Alex is the black girl, Lady GaGa is the one with the Evian]:

10:22 P.M.: A;ex is drunk.

10:00 P.M.: In an attempt to avoid being in the back of the bus like last night at Katy Perry, A;ex says she’s going to be at Lady GaGa by 9 P.M. It’s 10:04 P.M. Just you knoww, FYI.

5:00 P.M.: Our seamless process was slightly interrupted this afternoon by my grandparents’ 60th anniversary party which thank you for asking did involve sheet cake, fruit salad, and lots of feelings. Let’s catch up. By the time the night begins, we will be back to the “live” live-blogging. This was a big afternoon.

See:

Team Autostraddle Hits the Pool Party

Today, it would appear that A;ex and her friends have seduced everyone at Dinah Shore. There was oil wrestling involved and a triumphant game of Celesbian Rock Band. Tonight = Lady GaGa.

2:36 P.M. PST: See, this IS the way that we live! Hot girls sit on other girl’s faces in small swimming pools adorned by LOGO’s logos. They have just been lube wrestling, and now the winner is immediately rewarded by having a greasy chin right up against their clitoris. What’s not to love about lesbians.

A;ex: “I want you to know … that this just happened.”

2:24 P.M. PST:
A;ex: The AfterEllen RockBand Competition commences and I don’t understand what I’m seeing: people are playing on EASY and choosing terrible songs. What’s going on? Finally Rachel and Rocco and myself step in and get the bar in the back of the room to join us on singing “My Own Worst Enemy” with Rocco on bass guitar and myself on drums obvs. It was fun. Thanks AfterEllen!

1:11 P.M. PST: Amidst a sea of lesbians, Alex stands triumphantly with a small Autostraddle card. The devil is in the details.

You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet …

12:00 P.M. PST/3:00 PM EST: Hello Autostraddlers! This is Alex, coming to you live from somewhere! Look, I’m writing words, aren’t you proud of me? It’s because I didn’t start drinking yet. I’m never drinking before sunset again, even if its bottomless champagne for only $3.95 (seriously though, what a deal right?)

I’m currently preparing my fingers/arms/iPhone/soul for the AfterEllen RockBand Competition happening very soon. I think I can play “Everlong” on Expert and get at least 85%. Stick those statistics in your pipe and smoke it.

Unfortunately, our really cool flip-cam broke and we had priceless Dinah footage on there. I think Katy Perry broke it cause this happened immediately preceeding “I Kissed a Girl.” Just saying. (Riese will edit this paragraph later and make it super funny.)

Alright, off to another pool party!

Friday April 3rd:

1:00 A.M. PST/4:00 AM EST: I kinda almost wish I was there. Actually, being the editor of something involves a lot more vicarious living than I expected. Maybe I can send Green on an African Safari next week with all my imaginary money.

Katy is all done, so now it’s a big dance party A;ex reports. Everyone is naked and making out, it’s like the back room at Babylon, Dana Fairbanks is there, James Dean is there, Oscar Wilde is there, Martha Washington is there, Katy Perry is kissing every girl in the room and then being like “I don’t like it,” like Jenny Schecter might say re: a wedding cake. Sometimes Katy says “I liked it,” if it’s a really pretty girl or if it’s anyone from Tila Tequilla, since T2 girls also enjoy exploiting and promoting a demented/fetishized view of bisexuality. I love pop music! YEAH!

A;ex is dancing to Bizarre Love Triangle. A;ex’s number one feeling is dancing. My number one feeling is … dreaming.

12:41 A.M.:: The good news is, Natalie caved and let me have a beta-blocker, so I’m like an Alpha Female now. The Palm Springs related good news is — urm, no new updates.  I just really hope no one spills anything on anyone else’s clothing, it makes me so nervous to wear white. I’ve had “I Kissed a Girl” in my head all night just from writing this, so I can hardly imagine how intense Alex’s headache could be experiencing the real thing. It’s like I’m in Palm Springs via osmosis.

@a_ex via twitter: “Katy Perry is about to sing about kissing a girl and the camera fucking stopped working omg.”

12:16 A.M.: Katy Perry is singing the lesbian song for the lesbians. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb. I don’t know ask Katy Perry, she wrote a song about it. She has nice legs, even from all the way in the back and across the country.

11:54 P.M.

Riese: “What is she wearing?”
A;ex: “She’s wearing a little bedazzled black dress thing with a metallic silver shawl thing. Hot/weird per ushe.”

++

11:53 P.M: Katy Perry is not afraid to wear black to the White Party. Her bandmates are, probs because they are men, and these lesbians have been trained by Ilene Chaiken to hate men.

11:39 P.M. KATY PERRY HAS TAKEN THE STAGE. The stage = very far away from Alex. Alex says her voice is kinda hot. “You know how I love weirdos,” Alex says.

11:28 P.M.: Everyone at the White Party is wearing white. That’s a good sign. Lots of virgins ripe for the sacrifice.

10:51 P.M.: No updates from A;ex within the last 19 minutes. Dorothy Snarker is drunk on twitter and Natalie won’t give me one of her beta blockers. Here’s a picture of Katy Perry. Guess who took it? That’s right, Robin Roemer, my favorite photographer of all time besides Anne Geddes.

++

10:32 P.M., via twitter:

@a_ex: “Its like Lucy Ricardo and a dinosaur had a baby and its name is Alex Vega” -Amber, in response to the destressed [sic] noises I make.

I bet de-stressed noises (as opposed to distressed noises) are like dolphin noises, which is perfect, ’cause lesbians love sea mammals.

Also, sometimes we call A;ex “Littlefoot.” True story. Littlefoot = Also a dinosaur.

++

10:12 P.M.:

A;ex: “We’re ready for the White Party. I’m ready for some more Red Bull, obs.”

These grrrls are so ready to party LADIES MOVE FELLAS MOVE OH WAIT THERE ARE NO FELLAS UNLESS MAX IS THERE Rachel is wearing a tie and … um … Alex is wearing a bra. I can’t wait to see what Katy Perry is wearing. Shit’s out of control, someone call Marina.

7:00 P.M. : Alex has showered. Alex reports 70 mile-an-hour winds are making her cold. Alex has suggested that these winds are vicious and it’s possible that things are actually on fire. Probs she’s referring to the Sharpie-Certified tattoos she & Oz are sporting, they are smokin’ hot. Hey speaking of Hot and Cold, Katy Perry better kiss a fucking girl tonight. Ideally someone from AfterEllen.

5:00 P.M.: I know you’re wondering– how the F did A;ex, Queen of Nice, end up in L.A. for Dinah Shore. Clearly she’s not there to cover it for Autostraddle. In fact, it’s the other way around (she’s covering it for Autostraddle simply because she is there). Well A;ex has other friends and she’s visiting them for this special occasion. These other friends live in Los Angeles, California, along with other well known celebrities like Haviland Stillwell, Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Joe Solomnese.

Without any further ado I present Rocco & Rachel. Rachel is the one with the boobs. They are real lesbians who love each other, just like Ellen & Portia:

Rocco and Rachel

4:51 P.M. “I don’t know why we did this.” (A;ex)

Oz and Alex have given one another tattoos in case they get so drunk and so happy later that they forget their names, then someone will be like, oh, it’s totally on your back, your name is Littlefoot, and then Alex will be like, omg, look, it’s Katy Perry, she’s touching my nice abs! Free City what?

Later they are going to tattoo OurChart on their back as a tribute to OurChart, because if OurChart still existed you know their Dinah Shore coverage would be off the chain. If you’re a new reader I hope you know that I am never ever referring to OurChart in earnest, I am always always making fun of them. I like the word OurChart. Ourchartourchart. It sounds like a carrot.

4:15 P.M. A;ex has located our friend Oz from The L Word Online! See kids, the internet really is magic! Doesn’t A;ex have nice abdominals? I need to go tanning.

A;ex with our friend Oz from The L Word Online!

3:45 P.M. Much to my surprise, A;ex is reporting a headache on twitter: “The throbbing of my head is perfectly in sync with the bass blasting dance music behind us.” If I was there, this would be the part where I’d try to parlay her headache into an opportunity to get away from the people and the music and jump on the bed instead.

2:45 P.M.

Alex: “Pool party. So far, more bikinis than wifebeaters. However, more bad haircuts than good.”

Yes, this is the world-famous pool party at the Riviera. It would appear a very resourceful lesbian has turned their pride flag (I dunno, left over from the mid 90’s?) into a sun protector of sorts. Perhaps she is hiding Lady GaGa under there.

On a scale of one to ten, the weather is slightly nicer there than it is here.  Also, someone from Metromix sent me a tweet — they have a ton of photos from Dinah Night One on their website.  And um, yeah! Totes, I have already spotted someone that I know. It’s a small world after all … and everyone is wearing a fedora!

2:40 P.M.

Alex + Lady GagGa = MFEO. You know people say sometimes that me and Alex look alike, and we definitely do not. However, in this picture, Alex kinda does remind me of me. It’s probs ’cause just like Alex, I have a special relationship with Lady GaGa and would like to have my arm on Emily Saliers’ head.

Alex: “OMG GAGA”

2:30 P.M.

This is Alex Vega, the Pied Piper of West Hollywood, skipping along the street like a crazy person, apparently on the way to “the pool.” Probs the fountain of youth, she has some serious pep in her step.

As you can see she is carrying a giant tribal stick adorned with the head of Lover Cindi, which she will shake madly through the streets, drawing lesbians to her like papayas to the Goya factory.

2:06 P.M.

A;ex: This is the website for all the parties we’re going to this weekend. They love the all-caps. I feel like this place is ALL-CAPSing me all the time.

1:22 P.M.

A;ex: “Fucking mimosas.”

1:04 P.M.

@a_ex: “Good morning Palm Springs! I’ll have the bottomless mimosa special for $3.95 and a headache in 2hrs please! What was I thinking! All caps!”

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!