Lesbian bars: the first place you found community, the first place you found hostility. They play that song you love and then they play that song you hate. They have the best bartenders and the worst bartenders, the best doorwomen and the worst, the meanest patrons and the nicest. You love them, you hate them, you hate to love them and you love to hate them. And when you hate them, you really hate them. The following excerpts, ripped mercilessly out of context and displayed here for your entertainment and ensuing laughter, were pulled from one-star Yelp! reviews of lesbian bars all over the U.S. and Canada — many of which are shut down and many of which are still open. Bar names have been removed.
Now let’s talk about that bitch Michelle.
1. “Getting a drink at the bar is more difficult than turning straight.”
2. “I thought there would be a cool bunch of gay girls playing darts to befriend, but instead we got the old man with no teeth.”
3. “Maybe I don’t wear enough ill-fitting clothes with feather earrings. Maybe it’s because I use the bathroom to piss and not take bumps of coke… whatever the reason is, I’ll never feel welcomed in this tiny, unfriendly, pretentious dive.”
4. “In retrospect I would say that this bar caused me to go back in the closet and not want to be a lesbian.”
5. “I went to the bathroom and there was a bag of french fries hanging out in there like someone was just chilling, taking a pee and having a snack.”
6. “We arrived around 11:30 pm to meet a friend for a drink cause this is “where everyone goes.” Well, if this is everyone, I am upgrading my Netflix membership.”
7. “Where is the diversity? Where are the minorities? Where are the transgenders? Where is the unity? Where is the love?”
8. “I am pretty sure all the little Hollywood Goth clubs need to attend this bar and take notes on how to create a dreary atmosphere that Edgar Allan Poe himself would want to run away from, screaming.”
9. “Each time I go I witness a sea of unfriendly faces, scary artwork, long waits for drinks and dance music that sounds straight outta the USSR circa 1991.”
10. “This place is like the last person left at the bar that you take home because you don’t want to sleep alone.”
11. “If you like the taste of farts in your glass, then this is the place for you!”
12. “Michele why are you playing the CRAP music until well after midnight???? God someone fire that bitch already!!!!!!”
13. “You don’t go to a club to hear THE MACARENA or Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” straight off the CD.”
14. “If you’re a supermodel type stay clear of here! The bartenders here wish they had my body!”
15. “It’s like every lesbian here watched LOGO and Tila Tequila and took notes on how to be a lesbian.”
16. “This is the kind of dyke bar where everyone knows your name if you look like everyone else AND come in all the time.”
17. “I am giving this place one star for two reasons:
1) The drinks are uber cheap
2) Yelp makes you give at least one star rating”
18. “The people running this place are the reason gay people cannot have nice things.”
19. “I get the whole love affair between lesbian bars and hip-hop, but there was no ‘hip’ to this ‘hop.'”
20. “Should I bring my roller skates next time? Because I could’ve swore it morphed into a roller rink.”
21. “No women’s basketball game on!? What!? I did go to a LESBIAN bar, right? It boggles the mind.”
22. “I said [to the bartender], “just make whatever you can make really well.” She said, “Um, Jameson on the rocks?”
23. “While I appreciate that this is one of the only Lesbian bars that is in Manhattan for whatever reason. I HATE THAT THIS PLACE DOES NOT TAKE DEBIT OR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
24. “In retrospect, I wish they’d have Dante’s famous creed above the door – Abandon all hope, ye who enter here – because little did we know, we just passed through the gates of lesbian hell.”
25. “Over 2.5 hours of waiting, and no chance to sing. Do not come here if you actually want a chance to sing. Signed up about 3 hours before closing and still got no chance to sing! Do not come here unless you have at least 4 hours of waiting to sing to spare.”
26. “A girl named Nicole stole my purse and her family members had something to do with it.”
27. “If you’ve ever read Radclyffe Hall’s “The Well of Loneliness,” you know all about lesbians and depression. Well, if not, feel free to recreate that experience by attending [this bar].”
28. “The patrons there were lucky I didn’t use my ninja skills on their @$$!!!”
29. “We ended up going to TGI Friday’s.”
I want to be friends with the people that wrote these reviews.
I’m pretty sure that 19 and 27 are in NYC, because a friend quipped that likely-27 is “full of butches and sadness.”
Not that either are a bad thing on their own, but it’s a really morose bar.
OMG RIESE YOU SLAY ME!!! I love you.
Some of these are pure poetry.
And can we talk about that bitch Nicole and her thieving family?
NICOLE AND HER FAMILY ARE LUCKY I DIDN’T USE MY NINJA SKILLS ON THEIR ASS
Michele and Nicole = in cahoots clearly
I first lost it at Edgar Allen Poe comment, but then literally laugh-spit coffee on my gf at Radclyffe Hall. XD
also, yes, i commonly react to depressing things with laughter–how else will we keep going?
Beautiful.
Number 25 REALLY wanted to sing
i think i ruptured some organs laughing. worth it.
Autostraddle field trip?
Yes. A bad lesbian bar tour with AS members?! All I hear is yes.
YES
Petition to make it as an optional add on for Camp next year.
So down for this
You guys. I never meant for my Yelp! Reviews to be featured.
Im kidding. I only wish I was as cool as these humans.
Well #15 is Truck Stop review so how sure are we that wasn’t you.
LOLLLLL But wait. I didnt even know that was TruckStop. How do YOU know its TruckStop? I see you Al. I see you. =p
I was curious and copy and pasted the comment in google. First result was this page, second was the yelp page for Here Lounge Truck stop. It’s not that hard. And it kind of makes sense as I was told truck stop can get a bit MTV trashy from friends. *waves hand hi*
So many gems. Where do I even start? I think 15 and 18 are my favorites but 21 is absolutely hilarious. Did she think was going to a sports bar? Besides not everyone cares about basketball regardless of who’s actually playing.
But really, who doesn’t go to the lesbian bar to eat french fries in the bathroom? Post-coital snack anyone?
Post coital snacks are a thing. We’ve always had PBnJ.
The people who go to the bathroom and have cream pie.
Al, you are killing it. Just. Killing. It.
NO but if 12 is for the club I think it is, I absolutely need for Michele to go. the hell. away.
These are hilarious and I want to know how many of them are for Sisters
I spy Cubbyhole.
Yup yup yup
I also wish they took cards.
BUT I ONLY NEED 13 EXCLAMATION POINTS TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. 3 is wherever Romi Klinger used to hang out.
Genius idea for a list btw.
I wish I got the joke, but I live in a country that does not have a lesbian bar. Not a single one. In the whole country. Sigh.
AHHAHAHHAHA
Sorry, this was supposed to be a general comment!
I feel you on the lack of lesbian bars, we have the same situation.
I lost it at #29! It’s just so blandly heavy with resignation.
I have been to all of these bars. Including 30. A bar where a waaaaasted girl who looked like Amy York Rubin’s sister threatened to curse me because she’s a witch and I was born in the same town as her cheating ex? Anyway, immediately upon leaving the bar I discovered it was national donut day and suddenly I was holding a free donut in each hand. Then I found a flashing pink princess crown on the ground. Then I got a free ride home! Basically what I’m saying is that witch was really bad at cursing people. Ohhhhh #pride2014
not even going to lie, would go to the Lesbian Roller Rink/Bar in #20 in a HEARTBEAT
It’s in Ohio and not a real roller rink based on the other reviews sadly.
I guess I’m the only one that doesn’t get the whole love affair between lesbian bars and hip-hop
You are not alone!
Not at all alone. I was totally blindsided when I discovered this weirdness.
Should I bring my roller skates next time? Because I could’ve swore it morphed into a roller rink.”
My kinda bar tbh
There aren’t any lesbian bars in Chicago for me to complain about, but these seem accurate to many of the lesbian nights at bars here.
THE CLOSET. I COULD REALLY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CLOSET. Now I’m getting all itchy to write my own 1 star review….
absolute gold
I wish I could follow the joke but there isn’t a single lesbian bar in Portland so idgi.
That seems so crazy to me. I think of Portland as being like gay paradise or something.
“If you’re a supermodel type stay clear of here! The bartenders here wish they had my body!”
Sometimes I can be SO self absorbed.
26. “A girl named Nicole stole my purse and her family members had something to do with it.”
I feel kind of bad for how hard I laughed at this. Like, I’m sure it’s a real bummer to have your purse stolen.
*dead*
Oh that was fabulous. Is possession of the karaoke the new possession of the pool table?
Dying of laughter. Last night, I was actually on yelp looking up lesbian bars to go to this weekend, and I definitely recognized number 3.
I was so disappointed to google #12 and find out that it was for a gay bar in Ohio and not in reference to Phoenix’s lesbian bar, the Cash Inn Country.
Apologies to any Phoenicians who go to the Cash Inn to line dance, as I’m sure it’s paradise for you, but when I lived there I went on weekends—when they mix it up to cater to the non-line-dancing crowd—to shake my ass and spent many a time furious about their DJ’s inability to play more than one danceable song in a row before emptying the dancefloor again with a droopy, slow country dance. I’m sure I’ve screamed “God someone fire that bitch already!!!!” about their DJ in more than one drunken outburst.
OMG!!!!!
I’m pretty sure I said #18 so many times in various bars and situations in life.
These are fantastic! This one in particular speaks to my experience:
6. “We arrived around 11:30 pm to meet a friend for a drink cause this is “where everyone goes.” Well, if this is everyone, I am upgrading my Netflix membership.”
hi im just wondering if this is where I go to ask how much more time I have to wait before I can sing?
bless this list so hard
I was curious what fun 1 star reviews were left for our local joint, and I found this gem:
“I hope they changed their entrance policy since I was there in the late 90’s. My hubby & I along with 2 lesbian friends tried to go here (I’m female). We were stopped at the door where my husband and I were interrogated about our sexual orientation and then refused entrance because we weren’t gay.”
french fries and coke: an in-depth look at the lesbian bar bathroom scene
Wait, about 17… I know you said you removed the names, but can you tell me which one this bar is? Cheap drinks at an awful bar sounds like a funny evening.
re. #21.
I have a confession.
I actually find sports incredibly boring to watch.
These are spectacular.
If only there was a lesbian bar I could go to to complain about, alas UK is mainly mixed gay nights/clubs/bars. One definitely has fart scented glasses.
Manchester, London and Brighton are the only places I know for sure have Lesbian bars here.
CACKLING
Brilliant! No 5 reminded me of a time I used the loo in an Irish bar to find, boldly, a huge ham sandwich on top of the sanitary bin, with chunks of the bread munched away! Loo snacks must be common so!!!
This article is a true gem.
Holy shit you guys this article got a shout out on slate double x podcast. Hilarious.
I asked the first lesbian I met at college what the one local lesbian bar was like. I’ll always remember what she said: “Remember that cantina in Star Wars…?”
I just laughed so loud that the whole library appears to be staring at me…
OR it’s the fact that the last article I read was the one with boobs and lingerie.
Carpe Diem, right?
HAHAHAHA!!! Laughing so hard. I love this.
Strange and interesting bar….sorry but am not interesting…