This is the first recap of the gay parts of the eleventh season of Grey’s Anatomy, aka Shonda Rhimes Night: Act One.
Six full minutes. That’s how long I waited for Callie and Arizona to show up on screen. It’s unacceptable. Let’s cut everyone else out of this show and turn it into their lady-loving telenovela and be done with it. I mean, I love Grey’s Anatomy, but could we at least get an old fashioned spin-off called ‘Lez Practice: Callie and Arizona’ or something?
Shonda loves us. We are the shows gays. Got a spinoff for us, what would you say?
So six minutes in, we get our #calzona — which is the worst combo name ever. it’s like something you can order at Pizza Hut but shouldn’t — and of course, they’re talking about a baby because once TV gays get married, they have kids, duh. More specifically, they want to have another baby. Another Baby. Because accumulating babies is a thing that people should do, you know? Forget that Callie and Arizona don’t have time to have sex or enjoy coffee together at home in the morning. Forget that there’s already an adorable little human in their busy family and that Callie almost lost the baby and is still processing all that. That is so much going on already, you know? But obvs to get through it all and move forward, they’ve got to add another life to their life. Cuz babies, y’all.
I mean, I guess we can talk about major life decisions at our high stress jobs over coffee-to-go that makes total sense, babe.
Ok so, they want another baby. That’s cool. They also want to use a surrogate. That’s cool too. But Callie’s freaking out, per ushe, because that’s what Callie does. She gets that constipated angry look on her face and her voice gets a little screechy and feelings come out. This new Callie makes me ache for old Callie, La Mega Badass Bisexual Babe Callie. I mean, it’d be way more interesting and telenovela-esque if Callie and Arizona were talking about which intern to add as an erotic third or the ways in which polyamory might enhance their relationship or how to kill Karev or something else.
Or we could join a roller derby team? Or maybe a crafting circle? Babe?
But instead, Callie, worried and scared, wonders how they’ll keep a baby safe in this mad mad world.
The world is a vampire, Arizona. It’s a fucking vampire.
And calm as fuck, looking like she just smoked a fat spliff before work, Arizona’s like “Chill, baby. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. We good, yo.”
I’m all about that kush n babies life, bae.
And that’s when Rowdy Roddy Piper runs down the hall screaming that a gurney blew off the roof, dropped 900 stories, and impaled a vehicle. Callie and Arizona take off after Dr. Rowdy Roddy Piper aka Owen and follow him to the parking lot. Yes, everyone, a gurney did in fact blow off the roof and it landed on two teenagers banging in a minivan.
TEENAGERS ARE DOING THE SEX IN HERE
Arizona doesn’t bang me in the car anymore. Fuck these teens.
Freak Out Callie screams to the teenagers: Why aren’t you wearing any pants?!
Spliff Queen Arizona says: Well, I’ll give you one guess.
Translation: Babe, they’re fucking ok? Let’s just go back inside and find somewhere to make out.
Other things happen in the hospital that don’t matter because this recap is just about the gay parts.
And then boom, we’re back on the scene in the parking lot. Teen boy is worried about getting in trouble with his mom over banging a girl inside of a minivan that was just impaled by a gurney. Callie is literally on the phone with his mom snitching and cackling. Or maybe she’s just being a good doctor, who knows? The jaws of life are used to pry the doors off of the minivan and free the teens.
Dignity sheets are the new promise rings.
Arizona walks over, drops a blanket on teen boy’s lap to cover up his exposed teen ween. She does this in one fell swoop. No eye-contact. She’d make a dope pickpocket. Anyway, the teen ween is covered.
Until the wind blows! The same wind that blew the gurney off the roof. Ahh, naked teenage boy!
teen ween, ew, oh god, teen ween.
One of these sex-having teenagers also happens to be a patient at the Children’s Hospital due for chemo so it’s like extra bad that they snuck off to have sex. Extra Bad. Teen Ween’s mom enters the room slut-shaming her son while Callie and Arizona tend to the injured duo. Callie lets out a sexy grin, remembering the good old days when she was an exciting character, as this mom continues her ‘I’m so glad you’re safe but how dare you act so recklessly’ rant.
Me llaman Calliope Iphegenia Torres, La Mega Badass Bisexual Babe.
Note: Being in a committed relationship with Arizona doesn’t negate Callie’s MBBB status, it’s being a ball of screechy stress.
After watching Teen Ween’s Mom blast the teenagers for making so much sex, Callie is born again in the waters of teen chastity. Arizona is head cheerleader of the “if you’re gonna bang in my house, at least use protection” parenting mind set. See everyone how different they are? Gosh it’s like they’re The Odd Couple. Sometimes I feel like Callie and Arizona are falling into that “asexual frenemy” zone that Cam and Mitch from Modern Family exist in perpetuity. They give each other the Bitch, are you serious? face while walking side-by-side down the hall.
There’s no sex in the family room, not for us, and certainly not for the teenagers we’re going to have one day.
And then Geena Davis is on screen and A League of Their Own flashes through my mind, all our minds from beginning to end. Dr. Dottie Hinson has an offer Arizona just can’t refuse. She’s The Godfather and a mannequin in one doctor. What’s the offer, you ask? Is it Geena Davis offering herself as an erotic Cougar third to Arizona and Callie?
I’d work you both like a full-time job with benefits and an expense account.
No, of course not. It’s an offer for a neonatal surgery fellowship. Arizona, who is so basic and self-centered, practically levitates with excitement as the thought of adding something else to her hectic life that doesn’t include spending any time with her wife. Arizona is on her Drake shit, yall.
Labels want my name besides the X like Malcolm. Everybody got a deal, I did it without one.
In the middle of all this fellowship jazz, there’s this flirty idol-worship/Mrs. Robinson vibe passing between Arizona and Dr. Dottie Hinson. I swear Callie’s been ready to take off her earrings and pull back her hair the entire time they’ve all been walking down the hallway. They walk down hallways a lot in this episode, btw.
Flirting like you’ve never cheated on me before. I see you, Arizona. I c u.
More stuff happens in the hospital and we’re back to the sex teens. Girl Teen goes quiet and freaks everyone out which is perfect for Callie because that’s her specialty as a doctor person. Callie takes charge and orders the nurses to page Dr. Shepherd immediately because brains are at stake! This leads to a #calzona date. They’re seated, side-by-side, in the balcony section at the surgery opera.
Don’t think I forgot about you flirting with Geena Davis.
Callie is still highly upset about the fornicating teens and tells Arizona,”If I were her mom and this brain bleed didn’t kill her, I would totally kill her.” Callie is stunned by her own words, like gutted, like devastated. Freak Out Callie realizes that she sounds just like her dad. She is suddenly struck by the resounding truth: she doesn’t want to be a sex-negative, slut-shaming mom. Spliff Queen Arizona’s just like ‘Word, babe. Chill. I mean, what’s good with that surrogate biz tho?’
They share a Network TV Chaste Gay Kiss and their date ends because someone is probably dying somewhere.
No breasts were touched during this episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Callie’s next date is with Teen Ween’s Mom but it’s less of a date and more of a moment for a very sad parentlogue. The Mom gives a tear-filled speech about how parents can’t protect their kids because no matter what parents do at any moment a hospital gurney can fly off the top of a hospital and impale your kids while they bang each other in your minivan. Callie’s facial expressions are everything in this scene. I mean, she doesn’t get any lines so she better be serving some face. She vacillates between “omg gurneys fly off roof tops” to “maybe me and Zona should get a cat” and then to like “damn, I hate when good white ladies cry” all in one scene.
Something something a mother’s love something when your kids grow up more tears life is scary.
Both teen lovers live! Because sex isn’t bad and sex when you have life-threatening illnesses is so not bad. And because teenagers will always be f*cking somewhere and goddess bless them. Their survival renews Callie & Arizona’s chaste affection for each other. They hold hands and smile at each other the way two women in a relationship tend to do.
True Life: Gal Pals in Love
Callie is filled with the spirit and decides that having more children, despite all the huge risks, is totally a worthwhile thing. She shares her Just Do It attitude with Arizona. Callie even gets to the ‘let’s get our surrogate on’ part. Arizona unleashes her very best “It’s All About Me” channeling her inner Mya feat. Dru Hill and waxes mad poetic about that fetal neonatal something with babies surgery fellowship with Dr. Dottie Hinson.
Callie is crushed, like muy crushed. Arizona doesn’t get why it can’t be about her. Pause, baby. What they need to do is smoke that spliff in the morning together and actually talk to each other about their mega important life decisions while they’re not at work.
Pero like, none of our life goals match up? For realz?
Til next week! Grey’s Anatomy Recaps, only the gay parts plz.
What did you think of #calzona? How do you feel about gurneys flying off of roof tops? Does teen sex abhor you? Should Callie and Arizona have another baby or maybe get a house plant? Tell me the things.
This is transcendent.
and you are a gift from the universe.
Not gonna lie, I watched Grey’s as bonding time with my aunt(and that brandi carlile video they played every episode) and moved out waaaaaaaay before the gay parts. But. What happened to Callie’s eyebrows?? Did they ask for too much money and have to be recast?
Listen, Callie’s eyebrows deserved everything on their rider and a separate paycheck. I’m not surprised they walked.
Ok, I love Grey’s. Like, love love. And I WORSHIP Geena Davis. I’ve met her, I adore her, I think she’s done so much for women. But I thought How To Get Away With Murder super overshadowed Grey’s. One, because it was the shit. Two, because the presence of this new half-sister of Meredith’s (how many secret half-sisters showing up randomly can one person have) is making me miss Lexi. I MISS LEXI SO MUCH. sob.
But for reals, How To Get Away with Murder was the most amazing thing. Viola Davis, man. SO EFFING GOOD.
yo this whole “new sister” shit is so so old. how many sisters is Meredith going to have? I’m waiting for the Chief to be Mer’s real dad or something.
I can’t believe they gave her another sister. I’m almost as annoyed about that as I was about Buffy all of a sudden having that annoying ass michelle trachtenberg as a magical last few seasons sister.
but anyway how to get away with murder was fucking brilliant and i could watch it for 3 hours. it’s the best show i’ve seen on the teevee in many moons.
viola davis is miraculous.
Yeah, exactly! And like, wouldn’t she remember that her mom was pregnant? Exactly when did this “secret pregnancy” happen that Meredith doesn’t remember it happening and Ellis’s husband stuck with her when she was carrying a baby that clearly was not his? The timing confuses me.
And just like with Lexi, Meredith has to fight with this one, too! What the heck. It’s like they ran out of plot lines (which, you know, Grey’s has been going on a long time, so I can’t really blame them) but COME ON Shonda, you’re better than this.
I’m just going to bask in the glory of How To Get Away With Murder and the perfect ending of that perfect premiere and the beautiful expectations of this season and Viola’s goddessness. Just the perfect healing balm to the batshittery over at Grey Sloan.
@yaykaas This is what I’ve put together so far from watching this week’s episode and having watched some of the past seasons over the summer (which have clues to the Ellis-Richard love child plotline because they’ve been planning since Season 4).
The “secret pregnancy” happened when Meredith was five years old. Maggie’s birth happened on the same day as this event (Ellis decided to cut herself in front of Meredith and forbade her to call an ambulance. When her mother passed out, Meredith rang an ambulance and her mother lived. Years later with the help of her psychiatrist, Meredith realized that her mother wasn’t trying to commit suicide, she cut her wrists in the hopes that Richard would find out and take her back. However, Richard never heard about the incident and she was too stubborn to ask.) So the event that sticks in Meredith’s mind from that day at the hospital is seeing her mother’s “suicide attempt”/self-harm, and the details of the birth seem to be more of a confusing blur to her where all of the pieces don’t add up. And if she asked her mother any questions about the things that didn’t make sense to her, I’m sure Ellis shot her down from looking for any answers with her tough, threatening, I’m-in-charge demeanor (at least this is how I’ve read Ellis so far – I still have a few of the early seasons to watch). And Ellis left Thatcher when Meredith was five (probably because she knew that she was pregnant and wanted to be with Richard instead), so I’m figuring that Thatcher wasn’t around to know about Ellis’s pregnancy.
Thanks for the timeline Lauren.
But if Meredith’s sister is 5years younger how come she seems to be higher up than Meredith in the carreer department?
@carmensandiego You’re very welcome, Carmen SD! :) And that isn’t even an extensive timeline because I still have to watch Seasons 1-3 (aka some of the ones that actually have Ellis in them) so I don’t fully understand things like the carousel scene (though I could piece things together with Grey’s Wikia page).
Maggie is further ahead in her career than Meredith because she finished high school and college/medical school early (don’t yet know how many years sooner) despite being 5 years younger.
I think, based on my recent rewatch of like the first 6 or so seasons, that Meredith didn’t go straight to med school and instead did some crazy travelling around Europe or something with that risky Australian Doctor Lady that showed up when Lexi was an intern and let her remove her appendix illegally.
She was played by the actress who was Angel on Home and Away, which you won’t have heard of, also she was Emma’s nanny on friends.
Anyway, my point is that can probably explain the age difference sitch which also works with Lexi who had to be quite a bit younger than Meredith but was only a year or two behind her in Doctor age.
@yaykaas I MISS LEXIE SO SO MUCH TOO!!! SHE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS!!!
Now I don’t think that Lexie’s absence messes up or ruins the show in any major way, because it is an ensemble, and all of the other characters are so great, and I love them too. So it’s not like every episode I’m actively thinking about how she isn’t there, but her presence is definitely missed and does change the dynamic of the show. But somehow life goes on. :(
Yeah, Maggie has a lot to live up to. And her relationship with Meredith needs to be distinctly different than Lexie’s, because you can’t replace one half-sister with another, and if you tried to it would be a bit insulting to fans and reopen the wound of Lexie’s death.
Well, props go to Carmen SanDiego for instigating this marvellous thing, and for somehow intuiting what it was that has been missing from my internetz.
Fine work, Gabrielle. Very fine indeed.
(Incidentally, I stopped watching this pile o’crap show years ago so have no idea about any of it anymore. I do however enjoy both Callie and Arizona’s faces rather a lot, so I’m delighted to see them get regularly straddled now on my computer screen. Yup.)
Thanks, old chap.
Stop it, you’re making me blush…
But yeah, Gabby and Shonda is match made in heaven
please tell me there will be a full season of Grey’s recaps because this was a wonderment.
yo give or take a hurricane, helicopter accident, a zombie virus, and/or a plague sent by shonda rhimes to thwart these efforts, we will be recapping the whole season and by we, i mean probz me for sure.
there are no word/gif combinations to express my delight. i look forward to reading all your recaps and again laughing so loud that i scare / annoy / bemuse my office mates. i hope you stay away from hurricopterzombieplagues is what i’m trying to say.
This is wonderful. Maybe now I can stop watching and just read you recaps, maybe. Thank you! Also I think Meredith’s new sister should be the third in Calzona’s relationship, maybe that’s why she’s here on the show now. It all makes sense.
yo, yes. that makes me feel so much better. xox
I stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy a few years ago, after I starting working in an operating room and the medical hogwash and mumbo jumbo on the show started to irritate me. But let me say, I will read the shit out of these recaps because I can hear your voice in my head as I read and it makes me giggle and feel warm. Just sayin’.
you mean to tell me that someone can’t wipe DNA clean, insert the HIV virus into the empty DNA pouch, stick it inside a child, directly into their brain and their toes to cure them of multiple sclerosis diabetes vertigo color blindness? all of that is mumbo jumbo?
“Spliff Queen Arizona” I fuckin love you Autostraddle
My life is complete now that autostraddle has gay grey’s recaps. My wife will be super happy that she no longer has to listen to my complaining. She thanks you I’m sure.
aw but i bet your wife thinks your grey’s complaining is cute tho. maybe.
I wouldn’t say I think it’s cute, but I think you’re pretty cute, bae. In your face area.
– Zack’s wife aka me
This recap is perfect, please keep it up! I understand that everyone here is most interested in Calzona since this is a website for queer women (and they’re the reason I started watching Grey’s in the first place), so even though I also love the rest of the show, I would rather have a recap that is just about the gay parts with a more positive tone, than one that is about all of the show with a more negative tone (even to the point of excessively bashing the stories or characters that the recapper will never like in any way).
Step aside other lesbian recapping websites, Sheriff Gabrielle has arrived.
Autostraddle Greys recaps. My life is now complete.
But seriously, is no one gonna talk to the legal department about gurneys flying off of roof tops?
And I really really hope that there is no baby
i feel like you’ve been gone forever. welcome back, dear friend.
#nonewbaby
Cheers, Gabby! Thank you for the stellar recap!
#nonewbaby
Again, I can’t say thank you enough times for making this happen, Carmen SD and Gabby! These Calzona-centric recaps are glorious with all of the gorgeous pictures of one of my favorite queer female couples. :)
I’m now leaning more towards no baby (for now, if they want one later in the future they should totally have one). Because first Calzona just need to both get on the same page again. Then they need to talk together to work through any of their unresolved past issues, have way more kisses and sexy times together to bond again, and finally just let everything settle for a while before jumping the gun to make any more major life decisions.
that’s exactly how i feel too. i’m not anti-baby. but i don’t think babies should be brought into relationships that aren’t being well cultivated/cared for. i want to see Callie and Arizona fall in love with each other again, all the time.
i want them to have hot sex in the on-call room and leave each other love notes and go on park dates with Sofia, the baby they have right now.
i’m over adding more babies or new jobs or freak accidents to their storyline.
Oh my gosh Gabby, this is EXACTLY what I want for Calzona! Thank you for reading my mind and putting all of my gloriously sapphic thoughts into words – no, even better, poetry (because after all Callie is named after the muse of epic poetry Calliope).
Out of all the things in your recap it’s “True Life: Gal Pals in Love” that makes me giggle snort.
Calzona has a special place in my heart because for one it wasn’t the bisexual partner that cheated. And their smiles are just so beamy and cute, but seriously don’t get another baby y’all. House plant.
cactus
Team House Plant, all the members be cacti yar.
I blame this for me staying up until 4 fast forwarding to all the gay parts… This is something I actually did on a Friday night.
friday nights were made to do weird loner shit too tho
I totally agree. How else would I explain the glitter and glue all over my toilet.
However, Grey’s Anatomy is on a whole other level that I’m not quite comfortable with.
Oh, one more thing. Meredith’s rando half-sister is a dumbass if she thinks fighting with/being kind of a dick to the owner of the hospital in which she’s working is a smart move. Like, c’mon, dude. Aren’t you supposed to be intelligent?
JUST. SAYING.
i think she was expecting them to have an instant connection. she had no idea that meredith is an ice queen/emotionally stunted/not interested in family ties. so half-sister came in hoping to find a bestie and got a beeotch instead.
Just realized I forgot to mention something important: Yang, I miss you! It’s not Seattle Grace Mercy West Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital without you…
I miss Cristina Yang too! No more Twisted Sisters (until her return for the series finale, but I’m not rushing for the forever end of Grey’s anytime soon). :(
Still I think the show will end up being just fine without her after taking the first several episodes to adjust to her missing presence because the show has always been fine when all of the other great characters have left. But I’m not willing to say that with absolute certainty yet because I just can’t be sure until I see it actually happen.
True, the show will be fine but she was such a gem, an ambitious, unapologetic, witty, competitive, sex-positive, brutally honest, female character. You don’t see those every day…
But yeah, take your time coming back… Let’s not be done with Greys yet…
Yes, all of this is so true. Cristina was a real and complex female character. I love that she never apologized: for her ambition to excel, to be the absolute best she could be, to devote herself to her career, for not wanting kids even though she was expected to want them. And Sandra Oh was brilliant, a wonder to behold playing her. She made me realize what a truly great actress looks like.
Now it’s only been one episode since she left, so it wasn’t very noticeable or make that big of a difference. Losing her character as a regular is one thing (Sandra said she plans on at least coming back for the series finale). The thing I’m concerned about is losing the dynamic of the amazing female friendship between Meredith and Cristina. I’m not sure if that can be replaced in any way and if we’ll start missing some of that several episodes in this season. Because Shonda Rhimes has said that for her Meredith and Cristina’s friendship is the love story of the series and that it’s always to her been firstly about their relationship, not about a boy.
Anyone else feel like this is better than the episode itself? I’ve been super bored with calzona lately. I don’t like this angry whiny Callie and they took all the spunk out of Arizona, making her an annoying asshole.
And what’s with Meredith in this episode? She gets what she wants and pouts at the end anyway.
Still, no matter how much the storyline suffers and how much I whine I can’t seem to stop watching this show.
I just hope the writing gets better.