7 Alternatives to Your Stupid Valentine’s Day Traditions

snickers

1. Not a Box of Chocolates

Just get a regular ass candy bar. Why bother with a mystery box of disappointment when you can go with the tried and true candy bar of your choice. Do you really want to take your chances with a box of eerily similar yet differently disgusting chocolates? Why is divinity the name of a chocolate? Why was white chocolate invented? Will white people let us have ANYTHING.


 

seeds

2. Sunflower Seeds

This is my counter to flowers. Giving someone flowers is placing a burden on them. There’s more work for the end receiving the flowers than there is for the giver and what do you get out of it? Nothing. And don’t assume people have vases. I don’t like your vase privilege. It’s hard enough to take out the trash, now I have to be reminded of my own laziness with the smell of decaying flowers (which only reminds of the decaying relationship). Plus, who doesn’t like sunflower seeds? Keep your mouth busy.


 

cider

3. Sparkling Apple Cider

I am not exaggerating when I say I would take sparkling cider over wine or champagne 100 out of 100 times. What even is the point? To get drunk you say? Just pour some whiskey in that bitch if that’s what you need to do. Otherwise, a bottle of sparkling apple cider has all the elegance and occasion of wine or champagne. The only exception I will even consider is if you and your boo are going to perform “Champagne” from In the Heights. Then live your life and dibs Usnavi.


 

houseofcards

4. House of Cards Season 2

Instead of having sex just prop up those pillows and catch a couple eps. This doesn’t need further explanation, it’s just a great show that is equally deserving of your love and attention. You can get in a quickie while the credits play between episodes.


 

record

5. Sitting in Silence

Did you know that 50% of all songs you’ve ever heard will remind you of an ex? Well that’s true for everyone so if you try to make someone a romantic playlist, chances are you’re just going to remind them of someone else and that fleeting smile will only fleet for half a second but that’s long enough to notice. Just sit in silence, it’s not worth it.


 

FiveCheeseZitialForno

6. Going to Olive Garden

Everyone wants to make fun of Olive Garden and it doesn’t make sense. Olive Garden isn’t trying to be anything other than Olive Garden. Let Olive Garden live and let yourself THRIVE. Frankly, hating any establishment that has unlimited anything is un-American.


 

sweatpants

7. Sweatpants

Fuck dressing up. There are enough other reasons to dress up throughout the year: weddings, fancy parties, days where you just need to convince yourself you have a purpose and think that will help. Soft pants are probably the only thing you love more than your partner. And who are you people that prefer the sweatpants with the opening instead of the scrunchie part? If that’s you, dump yourself.

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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 274 articles for us.

37 Comments

  1. Thumb up 6

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    “And who are you people that prefer the sweatpants with the opening instead of the scrunchie part? If that’s you, dump yourself.”

    RIGHT!?! Who are these people for real though? I always just imagine a huge warehouse of all the open leg sweatpants ever made rotting in darkness.

    • Thumb up 14

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      I like open-leg sweatpants and I will not be shamed! I have long legs and the scrunchy ones always ride up too high and make my ankles cold. The open-leg ones droop pleasantly over my fuzzy slippers and ensure a maximal coziness factor. SO THERE.

    • Thumb up 8

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      No no, it depends on your level of sweatpants commitment. If you are running errands in sweatpants, you want the open leg to protect those shy, cold ankles.

      And also to not look like a ten year old at softball practice. (That might be less of an issue if you are a normal size adult, and not…travel sized.)

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      it totally depends! If I’m doing things in my sweatpants then scrunchy bottom ones win because the leg narrows and they fit in my winter boots. If I’m staying inside though… I’m currently in love with my open legged ones. I can wear my giant house slipper/boots and get layers of fleece around my ankles.

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        Oh I fully respect everyone’s right to their sweatpants choices! In my mind though there aren’t actually people who buy the open leg ones haha. I just feel that sweatpants are like a hug for the lower half of my body which is incomplete without an elastic snuggling with my ankles.

  2. Thumb up 14

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    For the second year in a row, a friend and I will be dressing up in our best and going out to Olive Garden in the hopes that we can confuse everyone into thinking we’re a couple.
    (This morning we made funfetti pancakes, it was glorious.)

  3. Thumb up 3

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    “How do you get this gold shit off?” is perhaps the greatest moment in the history of musical theatre, so I thank you for that reminder.

    Also, yes. Olive Garden is bland and dull but it’s everywhere and it’s safe and I could eat unlimited amounts of that salad forever.

  4. Thumb up 8

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    Having worked Valentine’s Day at the Olive Garden some years ago, I would suggest to all patrons attempting suggestion #6 that you prepare yourself for a long wait by perhaps bringing a book of crossword puzzles or a candy bar of your choice

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    “Why was white chocolate invented? Will white people let us have ANYTHING.”

    THIS. I hate white chocolate with a passion. I worked at an ice cream shop one summer and dipping waffle cones into white chocolate was the bane of my existence.

  6. Thumb up 3

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    During yesterday’s snow day, I was scolded by my sister for not wearing sweatpants. In my defense, I was wearing my crappy but comfy skinny jeans that have a hole in the crotch so I wasn’t exactly dressing for leaving the house.

    Also Camp Takota anyone? The best Valentine’s gift I’ve given myself ever.

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