55 Ways To Leave Your Lesbian Vampire Lover (According To True Blood)

by vanessa and cara

Have you noticed how much of the dialogue in True Blood is basically lifted from lesbian breakups? Well, we have.

true_blood_breakup_collage

1. “Tell her to get the fuck out of my life forever.”

2. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Well if you don’t want to hurt me, why don’t you… just not?”

3. “We are a team! And when I came to you to offer my resources, my money, my connections, and my love, you said nothing would separate us!”
“I said it, and I meant it.”
“Then do not walk out that door.”
“I have to go.”

4. “You assured me this would be violent.”

5. “Will you shut up about your shit when the world’s about to end?”
“Honey, I don’t know about the world, but I’m about to end your face.”

true_blood_608

6. “How long have you known this was going to happen?”
“I didn’t.”
“But you can see the future!”
“These visions, they come to me as they come. I have no way of controlling what I see.”
“HOW VERY CONVENIENT FOR YOU.”

7.  “You’re no fucking god.”
“I never said I was.”
“Get out. Leave my house.”
“I’m already gone.”

8. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Oh sweetie I know, life is really a shit-sandwich sometimes.”

9. “I am dead and you’re still overprotective, isn’t that just perfect.”

10. “I’m scared. It feels like the world is spinning out of control and… I have been greedy, and lustful, and wrathful.”

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11. “You know this wasn’t just sex, this isn’t just some simple infatuation.”
“No, it never is.”

12. “Where’s Emma?”
“In the bathroom, crying.”

13. “I know you said you wanted to be left alone but I’m going to need you to tie me up.”

14. “Don’t you think she should put some clothes on?”

15. “I’m your number one bitch, don’t you ever forget it.”

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16. “Butch the fuck up.”

17. “I just think we have the kind of friendship where we can give each other keys, is all.”

18. “If you agreed to be mine it would all be over. We could be a closed circle, you and me. We could live wherever we want, go wherever we want, day, night! We would be everything to each other because we would need only one anothers’ blood to survive. And we would never have to hurt anybody else, there would never be anybody else, just you and me.”

19. “Pain is a worthless emotion.”

20. “Do not take a tone with me!”

pam_true_blood

21. “You know love doesn’t have to be a competition between you and everybody else.”
“Fuck off. I mean it.”
“You just don’t want me to see you cry.”
“I’m not crying. Alright I’m crying but it’s because I’m fucking pissed.”

22. “When god’s message is this clear I am a truly unstoppable woman.”

23. “You don’t think that just because we had sex that that means I’m agreeing to marry you?”

24. “I can’t believe I’m leaving all of this in a voicemail.”

25. “What’s your longest relationship, two weeks? We fucked once now it’s you and me, girlfriends forever, that’s what you think?”
“No, I think you’re too busy crying over some unavailable asshole to give what’s happening between us a chance.”
“Oh honey, this isn’t going to be some epic fucking love story.”

pam_tara_epic_true_blood

26. “BULLSHIT, YOU’RE A LIAR AND A VOODOO QUEER!”

27. “I believe you. I believe in you. I believe that you are divine.”

28. “I’m alright, I’m a little better. Before, it was like someone was scalping my brain away one slice at a time and plucking out my heart with one of those little crab forks. But now, thanks to this [alcohol], it just feels like someone’s crushing my windpipe.”

29. “Excuse me Bitch Sergeant, who the fuck are you and why are you telling me what to do?”

30. “You have always known how I felt about you but you never cared! You always kept me waiting in the wings because there was a more dangerous guy in the picture and now you walk in here and Jesus fucking Christ, your timing could not be worse!”

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31. “Yeah maybe you were an asshole, but right now you have the opportunity to make this right.  At the beginning of all this you said I had to protect your humanity. Please do not make a failure out of me.”

32. “I’d rather walk the earth as a corpse than spend another minute thinking about you.”

33. “You’re fucking crazy!”
“I’m getting there!”

34. “Listen, you always seemed like a nice lady, behind the crazy and the hate. But I ain’t the same dumb kid…you know, I’ve been places. I’ve done things.”
“And I am a different woman than the girl you used to know. But you and me, we got some sort of connection. That’s why I’m not giving up on you…I have never felt more holy than when I was with you. And I truly believe god wants me to fuck you.”

35. “Destiny’s too much of a bitch to keep fighting.”

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36. “You’re not a killer, don’t do this.”
“Oh it’s not me honey pie, it’s Jesus!”

37. “Did you ever love me?”
“Sure. There were times, hell yeah! Definitely love.”

38. “Don’t you dare leave me!”

39. “Be careful. When your heart runs away with you it’s easy to believe that someone will have your back forever. But I’m learning that forever is a rare thing in this world…”

40. “Meet Violet. She’s European.”

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41. “I’ve changed. I can be trusted again.”
“That’s the thing though… even at your best, I could never really trust you.”

42. “It’s our destiny to be together!”
“Fuck destiny.”

43. “Don’t you dare say you love me you psycho freak!”

44. “I feel like I wanna have sex, or die, or die while having sex.”

45. “You’re a filthy fucking liar. You come in here and you say that you love me, and you want me… but you just want to fuck me and own me… well get it through your fucking head, I’m not yours or anybody’s, none of you know shit about love.”

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46. “Now you want to save me? I thought I was dead to you.”

47. “I’ve been thinking. Even though your heart is breaking now, maybe it’s a sign. Maybe you and I should think about having a baby!”

48. “Death ain’t the end anymore, we all know that now. Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going. With no end in sight.”

49. “I’ve done an unspeakable thing.”

50. “Do not take me for granted… I won’t have it. When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”

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51. “You’re a demon whore!”

52. “You know I wasn’t lying when I said I keep my promises, but a lot has changed since I last saw you.”
“You’ve been gone four hours.”

53. “You will drain me of all of my blood until I am but one inch from the true death, do you understand me?”

54. “I feel nothing.”

55. “Have fun with your sluts.”

via true-blood.net

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Vanessa is a queer feminist writer, NYU grad, crush monster, and Jewish Grandma In Training. She has a radical brain, a mushy heart, and a million floral print dresses. She's currently on a big adventure but she'll be back one day, pinky swear. In the meantime, she can sometimes be found on twitter and instagram.

Vanessa has written 198 articles for us.

35 Comments

  1. Thumb up 9

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    AS, you filthy fucking liars, why don’t you just not hurt me? Because every child knows, vampire lovers are always bisexual. Always. The official bisexual codex says so. On page one in gigantic bloody letters.

    … I’m not crying.

    … Alright I’m crying.

    … But just because the list is so fucking funny.

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        “Don’t you dare say you love me you psycho freak!”
        “It’s our destiny to be together!”
        “Fuck destiny. We fucked once now it’s you and me, girlfriends forever, that’s what you think?”

        “Did you ever love me?”
        “Sure. There were times, hell yeah! Definitely love.”

        “Don’t you dare leave me!”
        “Now you want to save me? I thought I was dead to you.”
        “Then do not walk out that door.”

        “I have to go. Meet Violet. She’s European.”
        “Have fun with your sluts.”

        Aaaaaand scene.

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        taken a bit more liberties…

        A: You know I wasn’t lying when I said I keep my promises, but a lot has changed since I last saw you.
        B: You’ve been gone four hours.

        A: Do not take me for granted… I won’t have it. When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!

        B: You’re a demon whore!

        A: You assured me this would be violent.”

        *fade into black fade back out*

        B: I’ve done an unspeakable thing.

        A: You don’t think that just because we had sex that that means I’m agreeing to marry you?

        B: I just think we have the kind of friendship where we can give each other keys, is all.

        A: Do not take a tone with me!

        The End?

  2. Thumb up 3

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    I am so behind on True Blood, but I love this list so much. Mostly because I just finished Season 2 and had to contain my self from shouting “OMG Evan Rachel Wood BISEXUAL!” in front of my parents, who were also watching.

  3. Thumb up 3

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    ya know, even for a fantasy-creature-living-in-our-world-kinda-show, there is quite a bit of queerness. On all sides.

    That’s kinda cool. I never really thought about that before.

    Although granted, I was originally taken in by the show after seeing the Queen of Something feeding from a woman’s inner thigh in the first episode I saw, so maybe I just have not analyzed this show like I do literally everything else in my life…

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      oh it’s super queer. like obviously this list is purposefully taking dialogue out of context, but even if you keep everything in context true blood (and vampire narratives in general) tends to be very queer. it’s part of why i love it so much and cannot quit it no matter how weird/bad seasons 4 and 5 were!

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        This is true. I jumped on the bandwagon at around season 4 I think and even though I thought these writers must be batshit crazy I stayed with it…because I keep expecting someone to literally turn into a unicorn. But that might be a little too obvious, right?

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          no i want that to happen so badly. also desperately awaiting the pam/tara/jessica threesome. like, amidst all this wild and wacky stuff that we just accept because we love the show too much to leave, they HAVE to give us that, right?

          …right?

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