Learning to feed yourself can be one of the most terrifying things. Am I about to give myself food poisoning? If I eat this too often will I end up with scurvy? How can I get the most nutritional bang for my buck? Why does this still taste like ass?
With Ode to My Pantry, learn to navigate a grocery store without having a meltdown in aisle three. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a queer to cook and stave off malnutrition for another semester.
It’s almost new years and all that jazz! Like most of you folks I’m more apt to break a resolution than make a resolution this year. Jogging? Saving money? Calling my mom on a regular basis? I’m going to try, but, to be brutally honest, I’ll probably fail before I have a chance to turn my calendar page. But hey, while I can’t promise I’ll go to the gym, I can promise that I’ll go to my kitchen! While some people can confidently say, THIS IS THE YEAR I GO VEGETARIAN, THIS IS THE YEAR I EAT LOCAL or I’M GOING TO PLANT A GARDEN I’m going to try for 14 attainable goals for 2014.
- I will remember to buy more Nutella before it’s too late and I’m only left with heady memories of chocolate-hazelnut goodness and knife streaks at the bottom of the jar.
- I will start labelling all of my leftovers, sauces and other Citizens of Chill Chest with their opened dates. Accidental soy cheese? Never again.
- One way or another, I’m going to discover what the fuck a cronut is and maybe try a ramen burger while I’m at it.
- I promise to eat a banana this year to see if they’ve stopped tasting like plaque and regret.
- I will limit take out thalis to once a
month fortnightweek, no matter how cheap they are. Um, unless I’m really effing hungry.
- I will buy a kilogram of discounted Cadbury Mini Eggs on Easter Monday! And I will not eat them within a week.
- I will clear my freezer of all of my vegetable and animals carcasses and make some fucking delicious stock.
- I will take the extra 10 seconds to grab my goddamn splatter screen when I’m sauteing to avoid 15 minutes of cleanup.
- I will turn some of my pumpkins into Edible Things instead of Decorative Mold Globes.
- I will figure out how to cook the broad beans, navy beans and kidney beans that have been glaring at me from my pantry for the past two years.
- I will unpack my waffle iron, use my waffle iron, write an Ode about my waffle iron or just donate the ol’ dust collector.
- I will grow a plot of tomatoes, bat my eyelashes and pilfer all of my retired neighbours’ secrets to their Gardens of Eden.
- I will get off my ass on a Saturday morning and start making my own bread again.
- I will floss. I know, not exactly food-related, but I should probably do it so I can continue having food resolutions in 2054 that aren’t exclusively “Learn to puree better.”