2014 Golden Globes Liveblog and Tina Fey/Amy Poehler Crushfest

Welcome to the Golden Globes! The only award show that sticks a bunch of TV actors and a bunch of movie actors in one room, feeds them a mediocre meal and forces them to pretend to care about each other’s craft.

This years show is brought to you by these two lovely ladies!

Are those flowers or red pelicans on Tina Fey's dress?

Are those flowers or red pelicans on Tina Fey’s dress?

And also Jennifer Lawrence’s dress….

that looks like the lesbian version of the one that The Little Mermaid created after she showed up naked on the beach with legs.

I just loved you in Silver Lining's Playbook

I just loved you in Silver Linings Playbook

8:00pm EST: Yay it’s starting!

Hi I'm Tina Fey and this is Amy Poehler. We're best friends and you're jealous.

Hi I’m Tina Fey and this is Amy Poehler. We’re best friends and you’re jealous.
Via LATimes.com

100 points for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for correctly assessing that I am watching this award show with all women and one gay man.

Best moment of the intro

Best moment of the intro

Which is why even though Tina and Amy are killing it we’re all obsessed with this picture of JLaw chasing down Taylor Swift.

JLaw wins

JLaw wins

Also I’m very glad that Tina and Amy changed dresses because if there isn’t a dress change every half hour I’m out.tumblr_mzbfz3HX4j1sfv6u7o2_250 tumblr_mzbfz3HX4j1sfv6u7o4_250

8:09pm EST: I appreciate how uncomfortable Tom Hanks is. Okay, let’s be real: I enjoy watching any men uncomfortable.

tumblr_mzbg0iV8Hs1qh0b3jo1_250 tumblr_mzbg0iV8Hs1qh0b3jo2_250

It absolutely kills me that Tam Honks and Sandra Bullock have to hike up their skirts and awkwardly walk up from their dinner table in order to present Best Supporting Actress in a Movie.

God I can't wait to get back to my chilled beet salad.

God I can’t wait to get back to my chilled beet salad.
Via LATimes.com

Shocker: Jennifer Lawrence wins for Best Supporting Actress With a Gay Haircut in a Movie

Re: coming out

Re: coming out

General consensus in the room is that JLaw is perfect even as she has an on stage panic attack and tries to exit into the wall.

8:15pm EST: Is Channing Tatum’s facial hair causing his face to get wider but his eyes to the same size?

Jacqueline Bisset wins Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series

And shove this up your assssssss

And shove this up your assssssss
Via LATimes.com

Apparently this is for Dancing on the Edge which is not the same as Dancing With the Stars. As someone who is well aquatinted with drunk people I feel completely comfortable labeling this a drunk train-wreck situation.

8:15pm EST: Mark Ruffalo is presenting for Best Mini-Series! He’s my girlfriend’s Man Crush. I’m not impressed. He’s the gentlest Hulk ever. Also he broke up the fam in The Kids Are All Right. So.

Homewrecker.

Homewrecker.
Via LATimes.com

Also what is this award order? This makes no sense.

Behind the Behind The Candelabra wins for Best Mini Series or TV Movie
I swear that somehow won this last year. Or maybe that was the Emmy’s…

Who runs the world? Men.

Who runs the world? Men.
Via LATimes.com

8:26pm EST:

Elisabeth Moss wins Best Actress in a Mini-Series for Top of the Lake
There is a strong debate about whether or not Elisabeth Moss has an undercut going on. Or that she straightened her own hair. In middle school.

This never would have happened to Peggy Olson

This never would have happened to Peggy Olson
Via LAtime.com

8:29pm EST: So wait. Let me get this straight. Matt Damon just forgot his glasses, completely winged the Captain Phillips introduction and… kept his shit together? This might be the best anti-alcohol PSA I’ve ever seen.

Go Red Sox.

Go Red Sox.
Via LAtimes.com

8:35pm EST: I appreciate that the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association knows that no one wants to hear from him. Womp womp.

I like that the chick from the Wolf of Wall Street didn’t want to improvise. I appreciate sincerity and terror.

The Autostraddle Story

The Autostraddle Story

8:42pm EST: It’s important that we speak deeply about the sea anemone situation taking over Paula Patton’s body. I want to dig into her more but I just feel so bad that she has to be married to Robin Thicke. That must be hard.

You should have seen my first dress-- it looked like a vagina! Via LAtime.com

You should have seen my first dress—it looked like a vagina!
Via LAtime.com

Bryan Cranston wins Best Actor in a TV Drama for Breaking Bad

I know Breaking Bad has been on for years, but I still see him as the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. Maybe that’s the point… Literally Malcolm in the Middle is just what comes before Walter White gets cancer and starts cooking meth.

My acting: a gift to you all! Via LAtime.com

My acting: a gift to you all!
Via LAtime.com

Breaking Bad wins for Best TV Drama

Not a surprise but again I appreciate the horribly awkward way in which all these actors have to pull themselves up from their meal.

Also I like that Bryan Cranston had this moment where he had to figure out where the fuck to put his award for a minute.

8:45pm EST: Did everyone else just see that feminist ad that was so exciting until it turned out to be an add for Bing. I mean who uses Bing? I thought we were all using Ask Jeeves.

Also we all know The Good Wife wasn’t going to win because it’s definitely that show that everyone else’s mom watches.

8:50pm EST:  I want to see Philomena so badly. It’s sort of weird that a lot of these movies just came out sort of recently. It’s making me feel like the Golden Globes are a bit of an ad to figure out what movies to watch in the next few months before the Academy Awards.

What’s Usher doing here? He’s not associated with the movie business in my knowledge… Maybe he composed an upcoming film score. Just kidding!! He’s in the new Muppets Most Wanted that’s coming out!! Plus he was in She’s All That.

Usher got the voice make ya booty go (clap)

Usher got the voice make ya booty go (clap)
Via LAtimes.com

Alex Ebert wins Best Original Score for All Is Lost.
My girlfriend thinks he looks like Devendra Banhart. I agree but only because I think all men look the same.

Alex Ebart

Alex Ebert
Via LAtimes.com

U2 and Danger Mouse win Best Song for “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Remember that time P.Diddy almost kissed Bono?

Remember that time P.Diddy almost kissed Bono?

Wow Taylor Swift lost an award! How is she going to come back form this? Spoiler alert: crying at home and writing a song about a boy.

I’m unable to focus on U2 accepting an award because I’m so busy wondering if the screen keeps panning to Hayden Panettiere because tonight is the night she’s going to come out. Just a thought.

9:00pm EST:  Okay back on track! Apparently we’re still doing Mini Series/TV Movie things? I feel like this is a lot of Mini Series time.

Jon Voight wins Best Supporting Actor for Ray Donovan

Only men over 50 get to wear the white scarf over their shoulders. And orchestral performers.  Via LAtimes.com

Only men over 50 get to wear the white scarf over their shoulders. And orchestral performers.
Via LAtimes.com

The pilot for Ray Donovan was icky.

Holy shit. Everyone needs to stop and look at the hottest pregnant woman alive. I think I just got seduced by Olivia Wilde… through my TV. I’ve never felt like this before.

Dream pregnancyVia LAtimes.com

Dream pregnancyVia LAtimes.com

Maybe it’s all the green sparkles. Or all the sparkly smiles.

I want this for my life.

I want this for my life.

9:05pm EST: Even without the machiavelli goatee, I still just assume at any moment Robert Downey, Jr is going to transform into Iron Man.

Amy Adams wins Best Actress for American Hustle

And don't you ever steal my cheetos again! via LAtimes.com

And don’t you ever steal my cheetos again!
via LAtimes.com

Who did Amy Adam’s hair? Her daughter? This is a rough hair night. Still, is Amy Adams the star of this scene? No. It’s J.Law staring slack-jawed and wide eyed.

9:15pm EST:  What on earth is Miss Golden Globe? Unimportant because Amy Poehler is Mr. Golden Globe. And yes, we have confirmation that Amy Poehler makes a really hot dyke.

Hi I need her tailor's name ASAP via LAtimes.com

Hi I need her tailor’s name ASAP
via LAtimes.com

Really hot.

So much girl drama.

So much girl drama.

Is it just me or do a lot of people look kind of orange tonight? Like, c’mon people it’s January and tanning is really bad for you. Put on some sunscreen.

Robin Wright wins Best Actress in a TV Series for House of Cards as Claire Underwood

Matched her dress to her award. via LAtimes.com

Matched her dress to her award.
via LAtimes.com

She also wins the award for best side boob of the night. I feel like a lot of women are wearing the same dress cut tonight and it has a really high risk for side boob. I salute you all.

9:20pm EST: I find Jim Carrey Difficult to look at.

No thanks. via LAtimes.com

No thanks.
via LAtimes.com

Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor in a Movie for Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon

And here I thought Thirty Seconds to Mars would be the award winners via LAtimes.com

And here I thought Thirty Seconds to Mars would be the award winners via LAtimes.com

That’s right. This man has a Golden Globe:

Gonna be honest: I haven’t seen Dallas Buyers Guide yet. But upon hearing that Rayon is a trans woman character, she definitely should have been played by a trans woman.

9:28pm EST: Wow tonight is hard. Emma Thompson just walked up on stage with her shoes off and drink in hand. I think she’s my soulmate.

Okay the bidding starts at $1,000

Okay the bidding starts at $1,000

Spike Jonze wins Best Screenplay for Her

9:35 EST:  Is Seth Meyers wearing the same suit at Jim Carrey? I think so.

Andy Samberg wins Best Actor in a TV Comedy for Brooklyn Nine-Nine as Jake Peralta

I feel like this is a little bit like when Melissa McCarthy won an award for Mike and Molly. Like is this award for Brooklyn Nine-Nine or I’m On A Boat?

Well this is the second most important commercial since that weird feminist Bing one:

9:41pm EST:  I am in a room full of lesbians and one gay man and not one of us has seen Blue is the Warmest Color

The Great Beauty wins for Best Foreign Language Film

Well at least it wasn’t that blue tribfest.

I really love whenever Melissa McCarthy does basically anything. I would pay one hundred million dollars for her to impersonate me on stage. Although very secretly I still think of Gilmore Girls every time I see her.

Fist pump for feminism via latimes.com

Fist pump for feminism
via latimes.com

Michael Douglas wins Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie for Behind the Candelabra as Liberace

Do we know how he ended up with Catherine Zeta-Jones? He must be super good at the sex.

9:53pm EST:  Omg Emma Watson. Look at her dress. Did you guys know she’s single and goes to my school?! I bet she’s ready for her experimental phase. Emma: call me.

Again, I love Emma Watson’s dress. Actually, I’m not sure if it’s actually a dress. I think this outfit is kind of androgynous. It’s center of center.

It's great because I can just pull the skirt forward and throw it over my shoulder!

It’s great because I can just pull the skirt forward and throw it over my shoulder!

Frozen Wins for Best Animated Feature Film

Adorable. Frozen: the story of a young girl who has feelings and turns everything to ice. I can relate.

10:00pm EST: 
Amy Poehler FINALLY fucking wins for Parks and Rec!!

amy poehler rashida jones

And then she kisses Bono. Feels right. Also Rashida Jones is such a babe. I would marry her forever.

I can’t stop staring at Emma Stone’s mouth. Can someone tell me why I can’t stop staring at her mouth? I can’t stop. I think I have a disorder. Emma Stone Mouth Staring Syndrome.

So distracted by her mouth I didn't notice that dress Via latimes.com

So distracted by her mouth I didn’t notice that weird dress
Via latimes.com

Woody Allen receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award aka the Man Is Famous And Stuff Award is sort of an exercise in a whole room of twenty-something year olds alternating between blank stares and “OH MY GOD I LOVED MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.”

10:10pm EST:  Wow Woody Allen doesn’t even show up to receive the award. So I guess Diane Keaton is accepting for him. More importantly she’s giving a nice little fashion tribute to Annie Hall.

This speech is so uncomfortable. I can’t decide is Diane Keaton is drunk or just super nostalgic. This feels like that awful best man speech where the guy doesn’t write anything beforehand but really does love his best friend so he speak genuinely from the heart but it’s still awkwardly long and ends in a creepy rendition of their favorite song.

I'll have what she's wearing Via LATime.com

I’ll have what she’s wearing
Via LATime.com

For those of you playing at home, my girlfriend and I just got in an actual fight about whether Woody Allen is a genius or if his male characters are all kind of the same.

10:15pm EST:  Hey Ben Affleck where the hell have you been all year? Did he even direct a movie this award season?

Alfonso Cuarón wins Best Director for Gravity 

Okay Gravity was all fine and good but I think we all know Cuarón’s best film was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

10:20pm EST: Uma Thurman went to the same Middle School as me!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine wins for Best TV Comedy

I haven’t watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine much because it’s kinda like watching an entire series of an SNL sketch. And I guess if I wanted to watch that I would just watch SNL.

Is this the part where I drop the award and walk off?

Is this the part where I drop the award and walk off?

10:27pm EST: Does this year’s Golden Globes feel sort of low budget?

Leonardo DiCaprio wins Best Actor in a Comedy for The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort

Do you think when you’re Leonardo DiCaprio winning a Golden Globe is officially just not a big deal anymore?

I’ve always thought that Reese Witherspoon looks a lot like a pixie. I wasn’t sure why but tonight I think that maybe it’s because she has a cute tiny chin.

10:35pm EST:  Wow with the addition of Chris Hemsworth I think 90% of the cast of the Avengers is at the Golden Globes. I hope they Assemble.

Wow Drew Barrymore is SUPER pregnant! I love that.

I was going to wear some alternative maternity wear but then I just figured, "Fuck it" and decided to dress up as a cherry blossom.  Via LATime.com

I was going to wear some alternative maternity wear but then I just figured, “Fuck it” and decided to dress up as a cherry blossom.
Via LATime.com

American Hustle wins for Best Comedy

WHO IS THIS LESBIAN

I did a little digging for you guys and that huge huge lesbian standing up there with the cast and crew of American Hustle is Megan Ellison, film producer and founder of Annapurna Pictures.

10:45pm EST:  Update: my fight with my girlfriend over Woody Allen is over. In case you were wondering, yes, I was the one who thought all the characters he plays are the same. There was a miscommunication and she thought I meant every single character he’d ever written. I just meant the ones he personally plays. Thank you for joining me for Golden Globes fight 2014. If you have anything to add you can tweet about it with #WoodyFight.

Cate Blanchett wins Best Actress in a Drama for Blue Jasmine as Jeanette “Jasmine” Francis
God this dress. I want to get married in this dress. I want to die in this dress. Or maybe, less dramatically, just wear it.
cate blanchette
Matthew McConaughey wins for Best Actor in a Drama for Dallas Buyers Club as Ron Woodroof
Matthew McConaughey isn’t wearing a real bow tie. Like it’s pretied. I’m trying to respect him but I just can’t now. He’s lost.

10:58pm EST:  Around now I start to lose steam with the Golden Globes. I think in the future they should schedule a musical interlude. Or a 7th inning stretch.

12 Years a Slave wins for Best Drama

Coolbeans guys lets do this again at the Academy Awards! Via LATime.com

Coolbeans guys lets do this again at the Academy Awards!
Via LATime.com

Because I haven’t had the chance yet, let’s just oggle Lupita Nyong’o aka Best Dressed of the night.

You have to look this good to wear a cape

You have to look this good to wear a cape

That’s a wrap guys! Tina and Amy brought up a perfectly on time ending to this award show! Now, as usual, I’ll use this as guide to making sure I’ve seen all the winners by the time the Academy Awards happens!

This shits over! Let's get drunk!

This shits over! Let’s get drunk!

Avatar of Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 273 articles for us.

65 Comments

  1. Thumb up 16

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    If this event was happening at A-Camp, I think in our post-camp debrief call we would make a collective decision that next time everybody who’s gonna give a speech needs to at least sketch a brief outline of what they’re gonna say ahead of time and seat themselves strategically. Except J-Law. She can do and say and wear whatever she wants.

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    The HFPA is now accepting nominees for next year’s acceptance speech cut-off song. So far they have “Let It Go” and “Goodbye, Goodbye” in the running, but they will be accepting nominees until Jacqueline Bisset is finished with her acceptance speech.

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    As much as I was pissed that Tatiana Maslany didn’t win, I was impressed that Robin Wright actually sprinted up to the stage.

    And then Emma Thompson upstaged everyone by showing up holding her shoes and a cocktail.

  4. Thumb up 6

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    Okay. So. Things:

    1) Trans woman. Not transwoman. Repeat it with me. Over and over and over. Trans people are not hybrids. They are not special-type-women. They are women who are trans.

    2) In early interviews Jared said he FELT that Rayon was a trans woman because the character was written as a person who always wore women’s clothes and used a non-birth name in daily life. I’d have to see the script, but based on how he’s spoken about the role, that’s his interpretation of a character that was basically written as one of those straight cis people think drag queens are in drag 24/7 issues and Jared actually added nuance and realism to it. Writers shit? Yes. Leto shit for schooling them and reinterpreting the character? No.

    The writers most definitely should have understood the queer community more
    and distinguished clearly between what they wanted the character to be. The writers should have cast a trans woman if they were writing a trans woman. But if the writers wrote an ambiguous, “I don’t know, it’s like a queer person in dresses always, I guess?” then that’s shitty writing and questionable casting, but not Jared’s fault for actually trying to be more honest and realistic with the character that seems poorly explored.

    3) 30 Seconds to Mars is a pretty decent band and all, but Leto’s been acting for like 20 years so not surprising that after all of that he eventually gets an award. He’s done some quality acting in some seriously amazing films.

    In short, though, if you call people transwomen you can’t actually be pissed off that Jared Leto interpreted the character AS a trans woman (space important) after being cast.

      • Thumb up 2

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        It’s more that it happened multiple times over the post itself and comments and I feel like when you’re writing an article and trying calling out something that undermines trans women and you then undermine trans women it kind of… makes your point look less legit. And Autostraddle DOES inform people who are still learning how to talk about trans people so if the post does it wrong, more people will LEARN IT incorrectly.

        Like, there were multiple interviews with Leto where he spoke out and said that maybe Rayon wasn’t quite fleshed out and his interpretation of the character was that, in 2013, she’d have identified as trans but that in the 80s that was a term less in common usage and even less often spoken outloud so that’s how he played her. And if you’re going to publicly blog about it on a mainstream queer website, you need to be familiar with the reality of it and call out the crappy writing by people who don’t know the community or our history.

        So when I see people getting up in arms about the fact that he was cast to play a trans women… well, he wasn’t. He was cast to play a poorly written queer to a straight savior type and he made her more real.

        That’s the thing we should be pissed about, more of the LGBTQ characters with drug addictions and sex work pasts who need to be saved by straight cis people trope.

        • Thumb up 2

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          Except I object to the claim he made the character more real… as someone who is trans and lived through the 80s and saw that film, I thought it was completely unbelievable on so many levels. The closest analogue to the character was Holly Woodlawn in Paul Morrissey’s 1970 film ‘Trash.’ Watch that film (even with all its raunchy humor, zero pretension to artiness or good filmmaking and over-the-top performances) and tell me which film or performance has more ‘reality’ to it. Leto’s performance is fake, badly mannered and acting class self-conscious.

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          ginapdx – I’m not saying that it was a great film. I think the entire thing was horrifically written, extremely problematic, and as I said, a really tragic pity the queers/look at the straight hero plot. I’m saying that at least Leto was able to distinguish what the writers couldn’t. I’m saying he went in and said, “Okay, so, this character doesn’t make sense as written.” But the entire film is ridiculous so it’s not really ever going to be less than a horrible depiction.

          Also, as someone who is agender and cannot name a single cis friend outside of their sister, who also lived through the 80s, I’m saying his was an improvement on a non-existent, hollow character concept, not in any way a representation of reality or an ideal characterization of a trans woman.

          By making her “more real” I’m comparing the character pre- and post- Leto, not to what the character should have been. What the character SHOULD have been is not there because it’s a shitty, poorly written fictional character in a “based on real events” film added only to gain sympathy/pity points from the cis audience and hopefully draw a small queer and trans audience by dangling any representation in front of us.

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          “I’m saying his was an improvement on a non-existent, hollow character concept, not in any way a representation of reality or an ideal characterization of a trans woman.”

          Sorry, we agree to disagree. What his performance (and the inane PR surrounding it) has done is to make people deluded into thinking they’re seeing some degree of reality 1980s style, and all they’re seeing is fake, fakey, fake and a dumb level of fake at that. Hey, if you’re willing to have cis actors give their ‘interpretation’ of an agender person, be my guest, but I’m sick of having pretentious straight, cis people endlessly rummaging around my community of trans women so they can drool their acting chops all over us. Honestly, it’s not better than nothing… it’s worse.

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      I trust that that’s probably super definitely true. But I think a lot of people would be worried that if they award them for the acting then they are inherently awarding the film and director. Also, I don’t know. If I had participated in the making of the film and was awarded for my acting, I’d probably feel extremely uncomfortable because I’d feel like I’d been handed an award for being coerced and abused, like a dummy prize to reinforce my accepting that abuse.

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    I have you beat on famous people who went to same middle school that a fellow straddler went to. Monica Lewinsky went to the same school as me about 14 years earlier. And let’s not get statrted on high school, cause I went to Beverly High, which includes Jon Voight as an alum.

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    I think I’m experiencing Jennifer Lawrence fatigue this time around. Like, I loved her last awards season and now she’s still everywhere and it’s like… okay cool but that dress is kind of awful? Probably just me, but I always feel like she could do /so/ much better gownwise.

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    Good to know that Olivia Wilde can still seduce through the TV while pregnant (2011 Natalie Portman-style), because she first seduced me through the TV on The O.C.

    I was pretty sad that Frozen didn’t win best song!

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    1. Kate Beckinsale is my everything.
    2. Yay a for Brooklyn 99. Wonderful cast full of beautiful people. Especially Stephanie Beatriz
    3. Never cared for Jen Lawrence and I really don’t think she deserved the award over the other women in the category. But the voters have boners for her so I expected it.
    4. How does film of the year not win anything else? And why does pretty much the only non white thing to win was about slavery?

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    Woody Allen is a pedophile and a disgrace and Cate Blanchett should be ashamed for working with him. If she was some actress trying to get established it might be excusable, but Blanchett is hardly hurting for work. Once again the tone-deaf shallowness of Hollywood makes me gag.

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      I agree about the award for Woody Allen, ugh… and Diane Keaton singing a children’s song while accepting his award was just the creepiest. But the Hollywood whitewashing of him had already begun several years ago, courtesy of allies of Roman Polanski.

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    I wanted Blue to get recognition, which I guess did by getting nominated. I haven’t watched The Great Beauty yet but it’s in my To Watch list for sure.

    And I’m so glad Amy Poehler FINALLY won something for Parks. It was starting to get ridiculous.

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    Didn’t see it (hate watching awards shows because the winners are shows I’ve not seen and shows I love never win). But I have to say . . . Cate! OMG! I want that dress! As for the Rayon and Woody Allen controversies . . . I’d rather not as they both make me sad about our society in general. Thanks, Lizz, for watching for us and making us laugh with your running commentary. :)

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