Sure, The MTV Movie Awards have never been known for bestowing great rewards upon spectacular works of cinematic genius. But with the advent of the Twilight franchise, it’s sort of become a really really long commercial for Twilight. There’s a limited number of Twilight movies, right? Like eventually this insanity will end?
– my intern
We wondered out loud if maybe we’re just too old for MTV now, but I think my 16-year-old self would have had a lot of snobby avant garde artist opinions about the exclusion of Blue Valentine and Robert Pattinson beating Jesse Eisenberg and Harry Potter for the Best Male Performance Crown.
Twilight: Eclipse won five awards, which is ridiculous because it was a terrible movie and there are only 12 awards total. Black Swan lost everything, which is probably because it’s rated R and none of the voters were old enough to get in the theater and it was either fantastic or awful. Harry Potter did not win enough things. The whole ceremony, actually, was not as gay as it was last year.
Here’s who won:
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment: Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment Nominees:
– Justin Bieber – Never Say Never (From the MTV website: “Who knew getting a Bieber lap dance would only cost as much as a movie ticket?”)
– James Franco – 127 Hours
– Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page – Inception
– Natalie Portman – Black Swan
– Steve-O – Jackass 3D
Have you ever noticed that Justin Bieber, who one “Best Jaw-Dropping Moment” for appearing on a screen in front of a bunch of 12-year-old girls with crushes on him, looks like a lesbian?
Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Best Female Performance Nominees:
Have you ever noticed that Kristen Stewart sometimes looks like a lesbian?
Best Kiss: Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Best Kiss Nominees
– Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson – Eclipse
– Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Inception
– Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter (“I can’t believe this one. It’s like they didn’t watch the movie. It’s not really a relevant plot point. Ugh. Dumb.”)
– Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner – Eclipse
– Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis – Black Swan
This year Robby & Kristy updated their traditional “should we kiss on stage, it’s so awkward” bit — but with a twist involving Rob Pattinson leaving our lovely tomboy all alone up there in her red mini-dress as he leapt over audience members to plant a giant kiss on Taylor Lautner. I believe this was the highlight of the evening.
Generation Award: Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon told the audience that Robert Pattinson “underestimated her lesbianness.” We’re guessing this is actually a perpetual issue for Robert and the women he’s possibly attracted to. From the self-congratulatory MTV Movie Awards Website:
The actor [Robert Pattinson] went on to suggest that Witherspoon had trouble speaking while in a girdle, has a penchant for tequila and that she may or may not be “33 percent lesbian,” as an embarrassed Witherspoon hid her face and laughed from her seat. Pattinson concluded his remarks by saying, “It’s not always a bad thing to have sexual chemistry with your mother,” once again referencing his unseen part in “Vanity Fair.”
“It was good — except for Rob Pattinson. I mean, really: He called me 33 percent lesbian, which was a gross underestimation of my lesbian-ness.”
Best Movie: Twilight
Best Comedic Performance: Emma Stone, Easy A
I take it back about the gay kiss — the fact that a female won for Best Comedic Performance is the highlight of the evening, although she used her acceptance speech to mention: 1) everyone else in the category is funnier than her, 2) thank you fans, this is so nice.
Best Movie Nominees:
– Emma Stone – Easy A
– Adam Sandler – Just Go With It
– Ashton Kutcher – No Strings Attached
– Russell Brand – Get Him to the Greek
– Zach Galifianakis – Due Date
Best Villan, Tom Felton – Harry Potter
Best Villan Nominees:
– Tom Felton – Harry Potter
– Christoph Waltz – The Green Hornet
– Leighton Meester – The Roommate
– Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2
– Ned Beatty – Toy Story 3
Other winners include Ellen Page in Inception for “Best Scared-As-Shit Performance,” Chloë Grace Moretz in Kick-Ass for “Best Breakout Star,” and Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel in Eclipse for Best Fight.
Did you watch? Do you care? Was Twilight like the best movie of all time in the history of the whole world? Are the cast of Twilight the only people who still actually show up?