10 Best Ways To Throw a Citric Acid Party In Your Mouth

For like three years or so I semi-believed that I was allergic to citric acid due to a dentist’s suggestion that I was allergic to citric acid. It was a sad life, not only for me, but for everyone who tried to feed me. I didn’t want to be a bother so I ended up eating a lot of toast. Laneia even started a tumblr named “ketchup and an orange” in my honor.

Anyhow about a year ago I overcame my allergy simply by employing THE POWER OF THE MIND! My mother had suggested this “allergy” was just my latest food neurosis as I seem incapable of existing without at least two or three of those at a time, but ultimately I did discover the true culprit — ambien. I’m leaving out all of the relevant details here because I want to retain an air of mystery and illusion.

 

Ten Best Ways To Eat Citric Acid

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10. Mozzarella A Caprase/Bruschetta-Type Situations

Do children eat fresh mozzarella? I feel like that’s something I didn’t hear about ’til I was older.

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9. Mojitos

“They’ve got great mojitos” is a line I get a lot. People really pay attention to these kinds of things.

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8. Hummus

Lesbians love hummus. Hummus is the Switzerland of dietary restrictions, where Vegetarians and Meat-Eaters can live together in harmony. Hummus is a safe space.

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7. Berries in my Cereal

When I’m not enjoying a ladle of yogurt bowl, I’m enjoying a nice bowl of an otherwise mediocre cereal (usually a Kashi brand I buy to “feel healthy”) with raspberries on top. Raspberries are the best things ever invented besides girls and Easy Mac. Actually to be honest I never gave raspberries up, which should’ve been a red flag. Red — the color of RASPBERRIES. See what I did there? That’s what I do.

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6. Ketchup

It was tough but I think I learned a lot from this experience regarding “dips for french fries.” Fast food restaurants generally have excellent honey mustard. I’d also highly recommend ranch dressing, Ken’s Steakhouse Honey Mustard dressing, and whatever honey mustard sauce it is that they serve at Mr.Greek’s on State Street in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

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5. V8

There are eight entire vegetables in v8! On airplanes, I always get tomato juice. It complements the pretzels.

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4. Margaritas

probably involved in a tropical lesbian love triangle of some kind

The best thing about margaritas is that they come in pitchers, the weirdest thing about margaritas is that after about two of them, you feel sort of sleepy and full even though you actually are neither of those things. Margaritas are appropriate to drink in the afternoon.

At The Olive Garden, we served Italian Margaritas, which comes with a side of amaretto. They were being crazy about trays when I worked there, like we had to put everything on a tray, even one drink. So carrying an Italian Margarita to a table was almost as impossible as carrying a Martini or Cosmo to a table.

olive garden's italian margarita

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3. Orange-Pineapple-Banana Juice

This is the best juice ever invented. FACT. Who invented it? Mother Nature? Probably it was a lesbian. She likely got paid a few hundred dollars and then Mr. Pineapple went on to make ten billion dollars. Like what happened to the woman who invented the Nike Swoosh.

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2. Cream of Tomato Soup

As a child, my mother would make me cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese as a kind of comfort food. As an adult, I either do it myself or enlist the help of a significant other.

That “time you made her grilled cheese” and “that time you made her pancakes” (and vice versa) are usually milestones in a relationship.

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1. Pasta W/Tomato-Based Sauce

It was really all Italian Food that I missed — including spaghetti with meatballs, sausage & peppers rustica, lasagna, pizza, etc. This was the hardest food to lose, as it’s my go-to Budget Dinner. (Budget lunch is peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.) I switched to pesto (Alfredo sauce is a way for people to feel fancy about eating macaroni and cheese). It was marinara sauce that called out to me in the night, begging me to eat it, which initiated me overcoming completely my allergy to citric acid which maybe I never had.

For additional ways to consume citric acid, check out the following issues of Get Baked With Autostraddle: LemonsRoasted Bell Pepper SaucePizzaBerriesBitchin’ SoupsBreakfast, Comfort FoodBlender-Style Juicing and Dips.

What’s your favorite way to consume citric acid?

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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1762 articles for us.

38 Comments

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    “Do children eat fresh mozzarella? I feel like that’s something I didn’t hear about ’til I was older.”

    I think it’s a right of passage into adulthood. First they start you off with those kraft singles, then you graduate to string cheese, and then suddenly BAM. You hit adulthood and someone hands you bruschetta and you’re all “WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS COMBINATION OF BREAD CHEESE, HERBS AND TOMATOES?!”

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      My mother did it all wrong – she’d taste something new to her and delicious and would yell, “Kids! You’ve gotta try this!” Meanwhile Dad’s standing behind her and shaking his head, because she’s gotten the kids hooked on expensive cheese.

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      My little sister LOVES mozzarella. My mom buys the cartons with the balls of cheese floating around in liquid and my little sister will just stick a fork in there and eat them. She is 8 years old. She also refuses to eat all meat except salami. Feeding her involves some weird mixture of berries, cheese, and pasta. An interesting palate for a little kid XD

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      As a child of Italian descent, we skipped right to the good cheeses. I had an argument in pre-K with my teacher about how I didn’t like mac n cheese, I liked pasta with cheese (in this case ricotta) ON IT, and that there was a big difference between the two.

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    One time I had a horrible allergic reaction and mu gums swelled up and covered my teeth and were soooo sore that I couldn’t even eat anything. After about three days of not eating, I had a massive craving for tomato soup, but the citric acid in it burned my gums so much it made me cry.

    So, eventually I figured out that if I sucked up the soup in a syringe and squirted it directly down my throat without letting it touch my gums, I could eat it! Best discovery ever.

    I hope deepthroating that syringe of soup is the closest I will ever get to giving a blowjob.

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    I never learned to like mozzarella. Too mild and squishy. Go fig.

    I adore good fresh tangerines, clementines, and tangelos. I’ll eat them like candy. Earl Grey tea and some other varieties have citrus in them (bergamot, generally), I know not how much but even though I’m only an occasional tea-drinker I would really miss that warm cup of tastiness. I LOVE lemon bars and lemon scones and lemon pepper chicken.

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    If mojitos are for the evening, margaritas for the afternoon, then you should start the day off with a bloody mary, which will happily get more tomato juice in. I often feel the nutritional value of cocktails is overlooked – I can’t think of any other meal where I consume as many vegetables/different food groups.

    Margarita with Amaretto – why had no-one told me about this before? I love Amaretto. My friends and I have a drinking song just for it. Which is kind of weird. I feel like it would be the kind of thing gay vikings would sing about.

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    I’m getting sick and therefore need citric acid and, lo and behold, there is this post.

    That’s good to know about the hummus. No wonder I eat so much hummus… it’s gay AND it has citric acid!

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    You guys, cranberry sauce, also!! I made approximately three times too much of it this Thanksgiving because I love it so much, and still have another package of berries in the fridge. I made cranberry negronis, too, which are great if your cocktail palate tends toward the bitter side.

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    Wow, from reading this thread I really did not know there were so many people who could not eat/drink various forms of citrus! I always thought I was the only one, I never hear about other people with my allergy…

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    Another interesting thing to try is the Miracle Berry (or M Berry – you can buy the tablets at Amazon.com). After dissolving a tablet on your tongue it makes everything tart taste sweet and everything sweet taste really sweet. Freshly squeezed lemon/lime juice tastes like lemonade/limeade. My favorite is making margaritas with fresh lime juice, tequila and cointreau (no sweet and sour). It pretty much alters the flavor of everything for like an hour.

    I apologize that this totally sounds like spam but I swear it’s not.

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